How do you deflate an over-inflated ego?

December 9, 2007 7:17 PM

How do you deflate an over-inflated ego?

I have heard that I am difficult to work with, that I am aloof, elitist, distant. That I have an over-inflated ego. People don’t mention this to my face — I found this out over three corners, but I did hear it more than once and I need to get a handle on this before it damages my career. I depend on people wanting to work with me. Being perceived as having a huge ego is something I can sparsely afford. At least until I reach world domination.

I’m currently reading Robert Dallek’s “Nixon and Kissinger” and this seems to be exactly the kind of problem Kissinger had at Harvard. His answer to it seems to have been self-deprecating humor. I’ve tried that but people rarely ‘get it’ when I try to be funny. People seem to take it at face value when I call myself one thing or another, which doesn’t work very well for me. (While I am comparing myself to people larger than myself — I also recognized Nixon’s grumpy ‘tricky dick’ personality traits in myself and that scares the living hell out of me. I already am grumpy and impatient but I don’t want to be a crook in ten or twenty years. Someone save me from myself.)

Obviously I need to get a handle on how I act around people. I would love to be better at social interaction but I find it difficult and tedious to idly chat when I don’t have a real topic to discuss. To give you an example: when going for lunch, I prefer the company of a thick nonfiction book to that of the nice but not terribly enlightened girl in the office who has been flirting with me and when I do get stuck at a party in a conversation with someone who doesn’t have anything interesting to say, they’ll most likely find me drifting away or notice that I am faking it to be nice. In either case, they’ll usually end up telling someone later that I am not a very nice guy, which is what I would like to avoid.

Clearly the rest of humanity has something figured out that makes them less objectionable and more likable to the rest of our species. I wished I had the insight. Comments like the over-inflated ego leave me feeling misunderstood and frustrated, yet I am aware of the fact that I am a loner. I am most happy when I don’t have to fight for the affection of others. (Btw: I am tall and intimidating looking. People say I never smile, which sounds odd to me, who thinks he grins and blushes all the time but hey, there it is again. I seem to not know myself very well.)

I doubt I am going to get three clear rules that will solve my social inaptitude issues out of this but feel free to suggest anything that might come to mind anyway. What I am really hoping for is a reading list. I would like to get more insight into myself and given that reading up on a topic is my method of choice when it comes to personal growth, I’d appreciate any pointers to great books on …erm… this topic that I find so tough to put into words. I feel like there are things I do that I haven’t even considered as being the potential problem and hope to stumble open them.

(For the record: I would have totally posted this under my usual mefi username but thought that a potential employer finding this and realizing right off the bat that I might be a difficult person to work with was less than a stellar idea. Anyone wishing to communicate via email just indicate so and I will contact you.)

posted by anonymous to human relations (38 answers total)

Are you productive? Do you perform with excellence at work? If you do, I don't think you have anything to worry about.

Your ability to get the job done is the single most important aspect about yourself in your work life. It's unfortunate that you work with boring people, or people that may not "get you," but I don't think you should concern yourself with some office grapevine. Your reputation as a reliable, industrious, or creative employee matter billions of times more then some falsely perceived air about you, or the way you hold your head. Don't drink the office kool-aid.

Did you hear your friends say you have an over-inflated ego? Or your family? If you did, well then I would recommend doing some self-examination.
posted by dendrite at 7:29 PM on December 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

It doesn't actually sound like you have an over-inflated ego. It sounds like you are a quiet, serious person and there is nothing wrong with that. You may want to consider the possibility that you are being too hard on yourself. Being judged as aloof, stuck up and arrogant is the curse of the quiet person.

I recommend Party of One: The Loner's Manifesto by Anneli Rufus.
posted by pluckysparrow at 7:38 PM on December 9, 2007 [2 favorites]

This might not be the world's most helpful response, but: you need to start believing that other people have something interesting to say. If you've already decided that they don't, then it's going to be difficult: try to look at it with the journalist's or the documentarian's eye: even the most inane stories have interest in the somewhere.
posted by awesomebrad at 7:39 PM on December 9, 2007 [7 favorites]

On preview, pluckysparrow has it right. People who are shy (like me) get this All. The. Time. I don't think it's due to being bad at talking to people as much as it is due to not wanting to talk to them at all. Overanalyzing it and thinking that it happens because people hate you only makes the problem worse. Suck it up and make boring small talk instead of reading the book and it will die down.
posted by phoenixy at 7:42 PM on December 9, 2007

If you want to appear less aloof, you'll have to take an honest interest in other people. Even the boring ones, which I'm guessing make up a large part of humanity from your point of view.

In my own life I find that social expectations get in the way of interesting communication -- party conversation is supposed to be surface and mundane, which really doesn't do it for me. So I keep a terribly rude question in my back pocket: I ask people, point blank, what they are passionate about.

I'd say I get about 70% interesting answers to that question, and it makes the rest of conversation a breeze for me (even if I'm feeling shy that day) because people *like* to talk about what they find important.

As for your above-the-fold question:

You deflate an over-inflated ego by learning and practicing meditation. Afterwards your ego will just self-inflate again, but that's what egos do.
posted by tkolar at 7:53 PM on December 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

I have had the social problem you mention (boredom or impatience with people who don't seem very interesting), and awesomebrad nails it. Self-deprecating humor is good, but as you note, it can show as affected, which doesn't help.

The key, I think, is to accept that everyone out there, no matter how un- or differently-educated, knows something that you do not, has experiences you have not, and genuinely offers something that you could learn. (They do. Yes, they do.)

This will sound cynical, but if it helps, approach it as a challenge: "It's not obvious, but there must be something... I *will* figure out what this person knows about, and I will learn about it myself."

If that means you learn about shoe shopping or plant care, so what? Consider that a score! The less obviously interesting the person is, the more you will be challenged to find something to talk about, and the more "advanced" the challenge. You may learn to enjoy this "game", and as a nice side-effect, you'll learn about things that you'd probably never have planned to learn about. This can also be fun, after the fact.

As a further bonus, these people will probably remember you as a good listener: someone genuinely interested in their own interests.

The fact you have an "ulterior" motive doesn't matter, and it does not hurt them. Win-win.
posted by rokusan at 7:53 PM on December 9, 2007 [22 favorites]

Everything I wanted to say rokusan said much better.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 7:57 PM on December 9, 2007

I have some related problems, maybe for different reasons than you, but I think I've overcome them. I also know some people who come across, to me, as arrogant, and I've thought about why they strike me this way. So based on all that, here are my thoughts:

-- when you're in a conversation with someone, even a fleeting one, make eye contact (and I don't mean just a quick glance). If someone is talking to you, and you're staring at a screen (or whatever) saying "uh huh," they'll likely interpret your actions as meaning they're not worth your time. This is a huge curse for shy people, but -- unfortunately it's true.

-- Don't interrupt people. I have a hard time with this, because I'm a quick thinking, and I can often predict where someone is heading before they get all the words out, and because I have that New York, "get-there-quickly" nature, it's a bit irritating to have to wait for them to finish when I already know what they're going to say and what my response is going to be. But no one likes being cut off. I don't like it, myself. So I owe people the courtesy of letting them finish.

-- Really listen to people. There's a guy I know who, if I say, "I don't know what to eat here, because I don't like chicken and I'm allergic to beef," will say, "Well why don't you just eat some beef?" I can tell he listens to the first half of everything I say.

-- GOLDEN RULE: you are not allowed to say something about yourself unless you ask the person you're talking to something about him. In natural conversation, this shouldn't be a hard-and-fast rule, but you may need to make it one, until you get used to doing this. Sometimes, "ask the person" can be as simple as saying, "What do you think?"

he: I'm wondering how whether we should charge these clients our normal rate or a higher rate?

you: I'd say a higher rate. What do you think?

That's just the basic basic way of doing this. Make sure if someone says, "How were your holidays?" that you ask him about his holidays, etc. And it would be great if you took it on yourself to start these conversations sometimes.

-- BONUS POINTS: do something nice for the people you work with. Buy donuts for the office or whatever.

If you're like me, there may be part of you saying, "But I shouldn't have to...." or "All I want to do is do my job and read my book..." or "I'm not good at..."

Get over it. You're dealing with a force of nature (in this case, human nature). People have social needs. If your house was on fire, you wouldn't say, "I shouldn't have to get out of bed and run outside!" Think of it that way. If you want to solve your problem, you have to act like you care about other people.
posted by grumblebee at 7:57 PM on December 9, 2007 [17 favorites]

You SO need to read this.
posted by tomierna at 7:59 PM on December 9, 2007 [2 favorites]

People who are shy (like me) get this All. The. Time.

Yes. I just want to make it really clear that I'm NOT saying "It's bad to be shy" or that shy people have a responsibility towards more gregarious people. I'm just trying to be pragmatic. IF you want to solve this problem, you either need to learn to love yourself the way you are (as some have suggested) or change to meet other people's expectations. Other people probably aren't going to change to meet your expectations.

I think there are ways that you can do little things to make people feel like you care about them without having to turn yourself inside out. There ARE shy people who people recognize as shy but don't feel threatened by.
posted by grumblebee at 8:01 PM on December 9, 2007

You could start by not thinking of people as "nice but not terribly enlightened." Maybe some people aren't your cup of tea, but as others have said, everyone has something interesting (and probably enlightened) about them.
posted by Airhen at 8:14 PM on December 9, 2007

I hope I'm not betraying admin confidences by saying I knew who posted this just by reading it.

I have a variety of this problem which is that I'm really driven and get along well with people and move within groups of geeks and nerds where this is sort of considered "high functioning" I have a distaste for drama and have a tendency when someone wants to talk about the "OMG my commute was horrendous and what is that stupid governor of ours doing NOW..." discussions to semi-politely bow out and go someplace else. Also I would often rather read a book than talk to people if the conversations are going to go like that. And I don't care if people think this is standoffish. This is not good in a work environment.

That said, I can usually make things go okay by staying on message about a few things.

- "I am really a super dork and work hard to not seem that way, thanks very much for noticing"
- "I need a lot of downtime in order to be able to doo XYZ effectively so I'm going to go read so that I can come back after lunch and do XYZ effectively again, please excuse me"
- "I know my affect can be a little blunt (or explain however you need to here) I can be a bit of an emotional robot about these things"

So explaining that the problem isn't them not being interesting enough (which makes you seem aloof) but that you're sort of emotionally quirky. The "it's not you it's me" thing. And then you need to make a few choices.

- Do you care if people think you are nice? If so then sit down and BE NICE WiTH THEM. Ths can mean talking to people you don't think are that fascinating and/or worth your time, I suppose, but I see it as a bit of a character flaw i you can't find something about someone that is worthy of your attention for 15 minutes in the interests of people not thinking you're standoffish. I mean at some level this is a choice and you choose the not-nice path. Now you seem to be wondering why people think you're not nice. Dale Carnegie is the standard text on this. If you want to make people like you or think about you postively, read it.
- Do you think this is really an ego problem or maybe just a self-centered problem. Like it doesn't sound to me that you think you're so great, more that you like your view of the world better than others'. I see these as different issues. This may make people think you're stuck up, but it's not maybe what your problem is. In some way you're not communicating that by being standoffish or just a loner you're not doing it because you think you're better. This is why the girl keeps flirting with you, you're not being clear that you're unavailable or otherwise uninterested, you're just a brick wall of "maybe"
- you may also have a friend who is different from you who pushes this issue because he or she knows you're concerned about it. make sure before you go on a self-improvement campaign that you've assessed what you think is really going on and what you think you'd like to do about it. My mother calls me "the rudest person" she knows but that says more about her flat out bitchiness and lack of tact than it does about the way I come across to the average not-my-Mom person which frankly is what I am more concerned about.

Just in reading your post you toss in a lot of jabs at people who aren't like you - tedious, not terribly enlightened - and that sort of thing even though it's a casual aside to your internet friends, people know it if you think they're boring you or wasting your time. Try to find ways to shift your perceptions so that interactions are useful somehow, even if it's just useful to get you a better level of interactions with people.
posted by jessamyn at 8:15 PM on December 9, 2007

Just from reading your post above, I get the impression that you don't like nice girls who flirt with you, people who read fiction, people who go to parties, or Richard Nixon. You do seem to like Henry Kissinger, but I'm not sure that's a good thing.

As others have said, in order for people to think you're a nice person you actually have to be a nice person. To them.

Ask them questions about their lives. Listen to the answers and then ask pertinent follow up questions. Maybe the things they tell you will not be as informative as the thick nonfiction books you prefer, but you can treat it as an exercise in expanding your conversational skills, even if you learn nothing else.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:29 PM on December 9, 2007 [2 favorites]

You may find the book, The Introvert Advantage helpful.

I can empathize with you. Social interaction is something of a puzzle with fuzzy rules that nobody can clearly explain. Some people just get it, while others don't. It is something like traveling to a foreign country. No matter how well you know the language, no matter how much you read about the people and their culture, you will show up missing something. The subtleties, the nuances of a foreign culture can only be learned by living in the culture. Actually it isn't just living in the culture -- it is living in the culture while actively studying it.

Learning a few tricks (some good ones are listed in earlier comments) can help. However, the best way to learn is through dedicated practice. By 'dedicated' I mean not just interacting with lots of people, but interacting with people while trying to detect patterns. It's a game to try and figure out those fuzzy rules -- rarely is 'do X' the solution, instead it seems to be 'do X in certain ways, at certain times.' Take eye contact. There's a fine line between natural eye contact and freaky psychopath eye contact. Some people figure this out naturally, some people never learn it, and some people have to actively try to learn the patterns of their culture.

You may find that you get along well with certain types of people and not others. There's nothing wrong with that. If you have some friends who share your interests or world view, then you can be yourself around them, while playing the interaction 'game' with other people. You do have a right to be comfortable, but if you want to get along in society you have to learn how to fake it when you aren't in your comfort zone. In social situations, you can't go wrong with letting other people talk about themselves.

Sure, most people are idiots. No, you really don't care about their stupid lives, but they don't care about yours either. They want to be listened to and liked. I guess that's the secret: spend time with people you like, and when you have to interact with the idiots, try to convince them that you don't think they're idiots.
posted by i love cheese at 8:36 PM on December 9, 2007 [2 favorites]

I suspect you actually don't really like yourself, let alone love yourself. Just a hunch. I think your ego protects you from dealing with the pain of not being able to connect with other people and being lonely. Your ego convinces you that you have totally rational reasons for not having people close to you in your life.

The truth is that you really want the niceness that people sometimes offer, but you're afraid that it's not genuine, or that it can be taken away too easily.

Like I said, just a hunch.
posted by mpls2 at 8:59 PM on December 9, 2007 [2 favorites]

You're incredibly judgmental of other people, and in your post you come off as a snob.

not terribly enlightened girl - Not sure what you mean here exactly, but it sounds elitist and condescending. Maybe she's not as well-read as you are, or maybe she likes mass-marketed movies and reality tv -- that doesn't mean she doesn't have other interesting traits. And she's interested in you! (Or, so you think. That could be your ego talking. Maybe she's just a really nice girl who feels bad for you, and is spending time with you out of pity. Did you even consider that?)

someone who doesn’t have anything interesting to say - Everyone has something interesting to say if they're asked the right questions. If you're just lurking silently around people, waiting to be dazzled by their wit and intelligence, then you're setting yourself up for disappointment. Conversation is a two-way street buddy; make sure you're holding up your end properly before you go judging someone else's.

You may be a loner and an introvert, but that doesn't give you the right to sit silently in the corner and decide that everyone else is silly and stupid because what's coming out of their mouths doesn't meet the high expectations you've silently set in your head. jacquilynne is right -- if you want to stop seeming like your ego is over-inflated, you've got to learn to ask people questions and find a way to be interested in the answers you get. Maybe that means broadening your definition of "interesting," or just ignoring the part of yourself that's constantly criticizing and judging other people.
posted by junkbox at 9:04 PM on December 9, 2007 [5 favorites]

Oh, and the quickest route to likability is to SMILE. You can't dislike somebody who smiles (frequently) unless you're an asshole. Some people will be neutral towards you, but no nice person will actually dislike you.
posted by mpls2 at 9:32 PM on December 9, 2007

Obviously I need to get a handle on how I act around people. I would love to be better at social interaction but I find it difficult and tedious to idly chat when I don’t have a real topic to discuss. To give you an example: when going for lunch, I prefer the company of a thick nonfiction book to that of the nice but not terribly enlightened girl in the office who has been flirting with me

Don't put the blame for your bad social skills on other people. It's not that the girl is "nice but unenlightened", it's that you are bad at talking to people. Which is not to say that you can't learn this skill, but the problem lies with you, not with your company.

Is it difficult and tedious to talk to some people? Sure. From your description of how to talk to others, I'd find it difficult and tedious to talk to you. But there's always a "real" topic to discuss, if you take the time (any amount of time will do) to get to know the person. There are things that you can learn by talking to a person that you will never ever learn from a book. People have stories about their lives. Those stories are the topics of your discussions. Also, stories about yourself. If you know things about someone, and they know things about you, and you're not talking crap about others, people will be much less inclined to think that you're stuck-up.
posted by 23skidoo at 10:06 PM on December 9, 2007

Just because you may not find what other people have to say at all interesting, their interest in the subjects should be what is important to you. By not even pretending to care what they have to say, you're demonstrating to them that you don't care about them in general. Just remember - their relatives or friends could be your future employers (salesmen fake it all the time). Self-depreciating humor may not work just yet because they'll probably agree with what said or they may not know it's a joke because they don't know anything about you and may not realize that it is, in fact, a joke.
Although you state your issue is regarding an overinflated ego, the wanna-be psychologist in me sees a major flag with the lack of social skills. This tells me that you believe your intellectual superiority is the only means to achieve respect. I used to work with a gentleman who had zero social skills but was very nice when talked to, was extremely quiet, and was extremely intelligent (funny thing is that his brother was a politician - complete opposite personality). He had the same problem, it seems, that you do. Except that he DID make an effort - he would attend company get-togethers, he would attempt small talk (even though he was not good at it, he impressed me by trying), and he would continue being himself. We did not want him to be something he wasn't, yet his efforts made it much easier for us to accept and respect him for who he was and to cut him some slack when he didn't show up.
So if you do want to be liked more, I suggest making more of an honest effort. Start counting the number of times you smile during the workday - you might surprise yourself and find out it's only once or twice. (Most people probably can't see you blushing, by the way.) Or perhaps start saying hello and making eye contact with coworkers more often. Ask how that project is going, how their week is going, or if they have big plans for the weekend. Simple, small efforts can have drastic effects. Also, get your head out of a book for a week and try people-watching (NOT staring or menacing). Watch humans interact, try to pick up ideas. You really can learn a lot by just watching people interact in the cafeteria. Check out their cubicle walls - pictures of children? pets? comic strips? - so you can at least attempt the small talk when the situation does arise. And spice up your own area - help them to understand you and learn more about you. People generally don't want to approach someone without having something to relate to or to ask questions about.
That all being said, if your concern is actually regarding how your employers view you (which you obviously know can be determined by your coworkers' perceptions of you). Have you considered self-employment? Unless you want to change your attitude from impressing potential employers to getting along with coworkers simply for the sake of "personal growth", you might want to give self-employment a shot. If you're already a contractor, though, making an effort to understand people may make your life easier (people like to do others favors and talk them up when they enjoy their company).
Let us know if anything works for you! Good luck! (Holy crap this is long!! Sorry!!!)
posted by s77v at 10:09 PM on December 9, 2007

One more thing (sorry) - your topic question "How do you deflate an overinflated ego?" -- By realizing that you may be extremely intelligent and an expert at one thing (e.g. computers), but there are thousands of other areas where you are not an expert and someone else is.
posted by s77v at 10:18 PM on December 9, 2007

a quick fix might just be to give out accurate compliments whenever you get a chance.

"hey, nice work on that meltdown last week- i've noticed you're usually good at solving problems like that."
"your desk is so tidy. you're very well-organized."
"hey, i like those boots. you have excellent taste in shoes."
"i liked that DVD you suggested. you know a lot about film."

try to say stuff like this when the person you're talking to is already on a related tangent, so you get them with praise about something they're already proud of. it's hard to dislike someone who notices nice things about you.

you probably still need to work harder on smiling, seeking the interesting part of everyone you meet, small talk, etc- but this is a good stop-gap to heal any small rifts that are already forming.
posted by twistofrhyme at 10:35 PM on December 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

I'm a lot like you but I rarely get the ego, elitist, or difficult to work with comments or vibes from other people about me. I get the nice-guy-but-a-little-shy comments from other people. The only thing that I do differently is smile all the time. It's usually a genuine smile in that I like most people, but I still prefer my solitude over their company.

On the few prolonged occasions that I have noticed that I am not smiling much, I get the exact kind of comments you're describing.
posted by 517 at 11:04 PM on December 9, 2007

I know EXACTLY what you're talking about. Fucking planet full of idiots we've got here, and if you think you've got anti-social tendencies, y'all ain't added in the grumpiness and righteous anger that I have. I'm not even afraid of it anymore. Part of me regrets, sometimes, that I'm not nicer, but then I think that I've got lots of people in my life that I am nice to, and who are nice to me, so screw the rest of the breeder idiots. I'm not actually bitter, it's just cathartic to talk like this sometimes. :)

Like dendrite said, are you good at what you do? Are you productive? Are you someone that most people in your industry would be glad to employ? Sue me for saying so, but I am. I think. I hope. But so far, it's been born out that I'm actually pretty decent at this translating thing; letters from satisfied clients and the fact that people recommend me and continue to hire me proves it. But more than that, to succeed in a field like translating, you have to be one of those nerdy, "high-functioning", introverted individuals. You have to prefer the finer intricacies of grammar and the attention to detail it takes to appreciate one turn of phrase over the other, to the inane company of someone who wants to rehash a conversation you've had thousands of times before about the weather, politics, the latest atrocities in the news. If you don't do those things, you'll never be worth your salt as a translator, and there is no personality better suited to detail-mongering than the one you're describing. It's a strength, and you should present it to the world at large as such, as jessamyn has suggested.

Everyone else says that being nice to people takes conscious effort, and it indeed does, but also don't forget that there are plenty of people both worthy of your contempt and below it. That's part of human nature. We specialize. You're better at some things than most people, and reminding them of that is what contempt is for. But just like a lot of people have pointed out, everyone else also has something that they're good at, something to teach you, something to offer you. The guy who fixes my motorcycle is an obnoxious twat who sits around with his friends at his shop all day, half-drunk, laughing about how much money the shop makes him and asking how often I get laid. And if it weren't for the fact that he fixes my motorcycle, I wouldn't talk to him for a second. But he not only fixes it, he tows for free, and his staff is generally pretty honest with prices, which is rare in Beijing when they see you're white. There's another shop closer to me who are just ridiculous, asking 3 times what my guy normally does. So I can fake that I'm enjoying my time there for awhile. I can use him. Take that and multiply it by 99% of the relationships you'll ever build, and you've got a recipe for how to get by.

How many people do you meet every day? Probably a lot. I do. And occasionally, I meet someone who I can use. Even less often I meet someone who's, y'know, interesting. And it's with those people that I make an effort. And half the time it doesn't even pay off, but it does pay off to remember why I do it: if I didn't, I'd lose myself. If I didn't push away what wants to change me, what doesn't take the time to address why I'm who I am and what I want, I'd never feel happy. More than that though, it makes room for the people who take me for the arrogant prick I am, who understand I've got some good reasons for it, appreciate them, and use me and appreciate me for those. Thank god I have some of those, because there was a time when I didn't, and I worried constantly about what was wrong with me socially. You could always stand to improve, because imperfection is just the natural state of things, and you definitely should make steps in that direction, but the most important thing to realize is that it's what's wrong with them, not what's wrong with you. Once you get that imprinted on your subconscious, the rest is just refining your technique of faking it to get the best of what's right out of people.
posted by saysthis at 11:28 PM on December 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

Sorry, my previous comment seems kind of simplistic so let me elaborate.

It sounds like what you're dealing with is people projecting their their emotions onto you. They're coming from a lack of understanding about why you want your solitude (or from some of your comments, an actual understanding about why you want your solitude.) They have to draw a conclusion about your motives in withdrawing from them and they are coming to the conclusion that you're an ass because they have no other pieces of information that contradicts this. What you could do to eliminate this is give them another piece of information with which to form a conclusion about your motive for wanting to get away from them. This is simply a smile.
posted by 517 at 11:29 PM on December 9, 2007

As a precursor to my actual comment, I'm surprised to find the sentiment that "everyone has something interesting to say" expressed in a fairly often. I don't think I could disagree more. I realize that relativism is popular these days; just so, some people _are_ boring. It's not a crime, or even a bad idea, to avoid boring people. I can't stand people who aren't passionate about at least one thing and I like my standards.

OTOH, avoiding boring people can be very hazardous to your social health. I employ 3 strategies:

1) Try and make other people less boring

-- Do some conversation control. Lots of people are only boring if you let them be boring. I try to keep at least 3 news stories in my head for conversation starters. I make sure the ideas are general knowledge (politics, psychology, technology), but also things that I find interesting. People love to talk about what's new. I find common ground with people pretty often this way. It also gives people a way to provide you with social details.

-- Remember at least one on-going social detail for every person you see regularly. This can be hard at first, but remembering to ask someone about what happened to their dog, grandma, toaster, etc. can create a high-value personal connection. Social details for boring people can be very boring, but I find them to be high on the cost-benefit-analysis-o-meter. This has often helped me create working relationships with people I have nothing in common with.

2) Manage your social situation.

-- Don't flaunt your introversion. There's nothing wrong with wanting to read a book during lunch. However turning down the nice girl and reading your book in plain view is as good as saying she isn't worth talking to. Maybe she isn't, but that's no reason to be mean about it. If you want to have lunch alone, try doing something right before lunch that makes it inconvenient to go with you. Go for a quick walk in the park. Swing by your apartment to feed your fish. Do errands. "I'm sorry, I need to do X" is much nicer than "I'd rather read my book".

-- Make trades. Ultimately, there's no substitute for actual social interaction. At least once a month, agree to do something small that you would prefer to not do. Go to lunch with some people. Attend the company picnic. Be vigorously determined to make it not suck. Lots of other posters have good suggestions on how to make these events go well.

3) Experience is everything. I used to be in your boat and getting out of it was not easy. Reading did me no good. The only way to get better is to actually get out there and try. You can't make people like you if you won't talk to them.

Good luck.
posted by systematic at 12:32 AM on December 10, 2007 [2 favorites]

I am so sure I know who this is! grumblebee speaks for me. But I wanted to add that that if you're anything like me, when you take a deep breath, turn off your so-fascinating internal monologue and really pay attention to what other people say without speaking yourself, you will discover that there is more information there than you thought, and that you were missing it before, and your so-fascinating internal monologue will scold you for starving it of diverse data. When people think you're a snob (for whatever reason they think that, fair or not), they communicate with you in their most perfunctory and shielded mode. So, the impression you're giving might be contributing to the low quality of input that you get.

It's happened to me a few times at work that someone I initially took for a dim bulb turned out to be an odd, interesting person with a completely different communication style than mine, and the sports talk or tv recap was just a conversational gambit. I was incredibly pissed off at myself for jumping to the wrong conclusion.

And don't forget that there are lots of smart people out there whose egos aren't bulletproof and don't necessarily want to come out and play with someone they perceive as judgmental, cold and self-satisfied. A relative of mine has a somewhat wounded outlook on the world combined with an ego as big as the outdoors, and he interacts with others primarily via intellectual machismo and testing -- the arguing about anything, the derisive snorting, the pained looks and knowing chuckles. I find him reasonably smart, but you couldn't pay me to have another one of those empty chest-beating exercises of a conversation with him, so we've never gotten past the distant stage. Since I have an ego myself, I figure it's his loss.
posted by Your Time Machine Sucks at 1:43 AM on December 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

You sound like an intelligent, bookish loner who does not know how to deal with people. Rather than thinking of yourself as someone who does not know how to get along with people, you prefer to focus on the aspects of your personality which are positive, such as your intelligence, as opposed to what you actually need to work on, such as your interpersonal skills.

Instead of admitting to yourself that you would like to be able to have fun with people and make them like you, you self-identify as a loner and go over the top with pointing out how bookish you are. I'm not saying that you can't actually be a loner per se, but an actual loner would be secure in his or her position; you do not seem secure at all, even about your intelligence. You know you're hiding your weaknesses behind your strengths. You go out of your way in this very question to point out that you are not only reading a specific book on Kissinger, but that your problem is "exactly" like what Henry Kissinger experienced at Harvard. Why are these unnecessary details there? How does bringing up Kissinger illustrate or solve the problem? Why do we need to be reminded of the fact that Kissinger went to Harvard? It's like you're unable to admit that you need help without first building yourself up as someone with the personal issues of a someone who, as a student at one of the finest educational institutions in the world, would eventually become a world-famous statesman.

You then head us off at the pass, comparing yourself to another world-famous figure, that of Richard Nixon, who is probably one of the most starkly recognizable politicians of all time. You not only feel the need to show you can "think ahead" of us by thinking up another negative comparison, but you pick one of the biggest fish you can find. I'm not impressed that you tried to head me off at the pass, and Nixon is not the figure you remind me of. You have never heard of the figure you remind me of.

This is a patently absurd way to ask for assistance. Neither of those comparisons assist your question, except to elevate yourself as this mythic figure. It makes you come off as someone with not only an overinflated ego, but also severe insecurity, not to mention a streak of self-hatred - you never compare yourself to an actually successful person, only Kissinger as the troubled student with potential. You half-joke about inevitable future domination; this isn't really funny or self-deprecating humor, because it really just comes off as you wanting to state that you are incredibly important, but that you're also so wise and witty that of course you don't seriously think such a thing. It is extremely defensive. I think you do actually have high hopes for yourself, and why shouldn't you? The problem is, nothing in this question requires you to state anything about your actual abilities, outside of basic competence. You feel the need to brag nonetheless, but in a half-serious fashion where you can't be called on it in normal conversation. Secure people do not feel the urge to do this.

You also place the blame for many things on other people. To you, it is not the case that you do not smile very much; that is simply what other people tell you. When you try to be self-deprecating, it is the fault of others for not getting your jokes and thinking your ego is huge regardless. As for that girl who can actually talk to people - well, she's "not terribly enlightened." You dismiss others because it is an easy way to run away from the fear that they are, in some way, winning in a way you cannot. Because they are.

But my intent is not ream you and run. You are smart enough to not only succeed at your job, but also to ask for help, because you do, in fact, know that you do not know everything. It's OK! It's cool! There's hope! You just don't know exactly what it is you are missing, because after all, if you knew what it was, you'd have already found it.

The big thing is to just throw up your hands and admit that interpersonal skills are more challenging than book-learnin'. It is easy to read a book on Kissinger and to remember his history. It is more difficult, but still quite doable - indeed, college students do it every day - to analyze the effects of his actions and so on and so forth. However, social skills are, to many people, either instinctual or not, and they are extremely difficult to learn and then practice in the wild. Having to reshape your entire personality can seem like starting grad school as a first grader. This is especially galling for someone who, like yourself, is intelligent, and has never had a problem before with mastering an intellectual task - especially one whose explanations can be found between the pages of a book.

Indeed, a book is where you're trying to run to now, again. Because you like books, and you understand books. Plenty of self-help books are great, I'm sure. "Surely the answer must lie in a book," you hope! But I say that you should probably go out of your comfort zone here and seek out actual therapy, because you do not appear to be perceiving the universe as your co-workers do, and you do not appear to like yourself very much - although you probably would never admit that out loud. You seem aware that your attitude is holding your back, which is fantastic. You are self-aware, to a certain extent, about your problem and how unhappy it is making you. You should seriously consider taking the next actual step, which is to face the challenge of human behavior by dealing with actual people. It is almost impossible to deal with a personality problem purely by oneself, because you really do need someone else over your shoulder to tell you when you are being weird. You are not bad or unique for having this problem; most of us go through this. Most everyone needs a kick in the pants time and again.

If you are as intelligent as you feel you are, then this should be within your capabilities. Being a loner sucks; be a lonely loner sucks even more. I'm sure it must have been very difficult for you to grow up, feeling alone and misunderstood, but you have the chance now to change all that. Wouldn't it feel nice to have people not only like you, but love you, and you wouldn't even have to try to do so?

Best of luck. Seriously. The world needs more smart people, and it would be a shame to see you grind yourself away because your ego has blinded you.
posted by Sticherbeast at 2:10 AM on December 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

Let me tell you about a friend of mine. This is a sort-of parable, but it's all true. I'll call my friend Q. Q is a smart guy with multiple post-graduate degrees. Q has a chiseled physique and a handsome face. Q reads books, loves poetry, has a soft spot for dogs and children. But Q can't keep a job and has never in his 35 years on the planet had a steady girlfriend. Why?

Because Q is an asshole.

Q knows that he is an asshole, and says he wants to change. But he doesn't, really. What Q wants is a magical cloaking device that will shield his output of assholery from the plebes and pissants surrounding him, allowing him to move in their midst undetected. Q thinks there is a combination of words and actions which when implemented will somehow transmute his asshole behavior into acceptable behavior. Like you, Q believes there is some sort of course of study he can undertake which will change him.

There isn't.

You can't LEARN humility -- it is thrust upon you, always unwillingly.

Until he viscerally experiences being the lowest of the low, until he accepts pity because it's the only human emotion others offer, until he gets so trampled down that any hand that reaches out becomes the hand that can lift him up, Q will still be an asshole.

I suspect there's some sort of narcissism/solipsism in play in Q's case. I really don't think Q fully believes in the reality of other minds. Maybe he's a sociopath. I hope not, because he owes me money.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 4:36 AM on December 10, 2007 [5 favorites]

Read "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. It changed my life; it can change yours. The first couple of chapters address this problem precisely.
posted by seanmpuckett at 5:21 AM on December 10, 2007

When it comes to work interaction, try and spruce up your work area with things that reflect your interests or sense of humor. When I started my new job, I came from a very formal, measured culture to a very "everyone knows your name" relaxed one. So I knew that my work behavior of that past seven years wouldn't fly any more and I needed to find a way to open up (a bit) while still being a decent, results-driven manager.

So my first approach was to buy a couple of Brandon Bird prints and put them up in my office. So while I may have cut a swath through out dated yet traditional procedures, I did so with "Bad Day on the High Seas" behind my desk. This helped give me a core of humanity beneath my Boss Man persona. People would ask about them (because a T-Rex fighting a whale fighting a squid just invites inquiry) and I would talk about them. Then I'd ask them about what's on their desk or their interests. And even though I may have to affect a stand-offish, better-than-thou persona at work, I'm pretty sure that the prints, pictures of my pet rabbits, and questions about how best to snipe in Halo 3 have shown that I'm not a jerk 24-7.

Also, having a few funny, self-depreciating stories helps. Keep'em family friendly, of course, but a heartfelt tale about the time you got yourself so amazingly lost trying to find a local Friendlies because you had your tuna-melt and sundae jones on can help a lot in making you more identifiable.

In your situation, be nice to the flirty girl. She may not be giving you any enlightened statements because she can't get a read on you. Strangers only seem to talk about the weather and all that.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 6:06 AM on December 10, 2007

I would consider whether the problem is maybe that you're not really comfortable in your own skin, not really genuine. That's something that people can sense, and it makes *them* uncomfortable with you too. It's also a yucky way to live. The fact is there's a place in the world for people with big egos, and they can be likable and not likable at not so different rates than the rest of the population (maybe more likable, lots of people will say that it's the under-ego'd people who are really unbearable).

(I'm sorry I don't really know what to suggest for reading, but I'm sure there's stuff out there. Maybe Byron Katie? (though I kind of love her for everything) Or Harriet Lerner's book on fear in relationships?)

You say you don't now yourself very well - I think that may be the truest thing in your question. And it comes through. It's hard to tell even what it is that you're really looking for.

What is it you want, really? Do you want other people to like you? (I haven't read Dale Carnegie, but he's certainly been recommended by people I respect). Do you want to like yourself? Do you want to be happy? Do you want to feel as though you're not going around in the world accidentally/incidentally causing pain and humiliation to others, or at least trying not to? Do you want to figure out the simplest way with the least unintended consequences/collateral to get people to leave you alone? These are all fine things, because it does take all kinds. But if you don't know yourself then it's all just flailing around that has a good chance of leaving you feeling worse than before, because instead of being authentic and pursuing your own destiny/thing, you're putting lots of energy into manipulating yourself, and the very same other people that you say you're not even interested in.

If you *are* happy with yourself, and it's really career considerations behind this, maybe a career counselor who can help you figure out what trajectory would be best suited to your actual personality is a good plan. Life is too short!
posted by Salamandrous at 6:42 AM on December 10, 2007

I endorse what twistofrhyme said above about giving out compliments. Perhaps the deflation of your ego might be facilitated by recognizing and remarking on the value of other people.

The thing is, we all really do have some innate worth, whether it's some general human quality or even the specific ability to repair motorcycles. Even those of us who seem to view others primarily in terms of what they can gain from them are making judgments about what has to be done (or tolerated) to achieve their goal.

Your goal, OP, isn't entirely clear. Is it to be better liked? To feel less socially awkward? To avoid the feeling that others are judging you and finding you wanting? To advance your career? All of these, perhaps?

Not knowing you or more about your specific situation, it's hard to give advice. I can tell you what works for me after years of super-introversion and social anxiety. The number one thing is listening, and developing a skill of "active listening," asking leading questions or making verbal and non-verbal gestures to encourage them to continue. The corollary to this is making a conscious attempt to believe that the other person is worth listening to (whatever your motivation for that may be, whether you really think so or if it's as a means to an end). When you really do listen, as several commenters noted above, you start to learn things. You may get interested in the other person in spite of yourself. You may even get drawn out of yourself, just a little bit.

Back to the compliments: The last several years I've worked at home on the Internets, and I see very few people day to day unless I seek them out. Knowing that it's not healthy for me to be alone at home all the time, I started seeking them out at Wal-Mart. I take an hour out and go shopping. I talk to the greeters. I talk to the checkers. I compliment them on their hair. I ask if their feet hurt. I ask what happened to the Tropical Trail Mix and when will it be back in stock. I ask if the store is getting really busy for the holidays. And so on...

At first, some of this seemed artificial, almost patronizing or condescending. I recognized differences in class, race, education levels, income levels -- wasn't I supposed to be shopping at Randall's or Kroger instead? In time, I realized that I really liked the Wal-Mart staffers. I haven't changed them, but in a small way, I think they've changed me. In that sense, well, my ego has been deflated. I'm no longer so elitist that I'm "too good for Wal-Mart." Imagine that.
posted by Robert Angelo at 7:43 AM on December 10, 2007

When people think you're a snob (for whatever reason they think that, fair or not), they communicate with you in their most perfunctory and shielded mode. So, the impression you're giving might be contributing to the low quality of input that you get.
It's happened to me a few times at work that someone I initially took for a dim bulb turned out to be an odd, interesting person with a completely different communication style than mine, and the sports talk or tv recap was just a conversational gambit.

TimeMachine, that's killer perceptive and spot-on. now that you mention it, i've noticed this phenomeon too, just never remarked on it. good to keep in mind.
posted by twistofrhyme at 11:07 AM on December 10, 2007

You sound very much like my older sibling, and that worries me a great deal. I would advise against trying to force it and pretending to be interested, because you'll just end up sounding fake. Instead, stop acting as if everyone else is in on some secret that you don't 'get'. Unless you've travelled to every corner of the globe you cannot make such sweeping generalisations about other people. I urge you to instead find some common ground. Pick up the Inquirer and read the latest trashy stories, then when you are stuck for something to say you can just go "So did you hear what Amy Winehouse did?.." etc, etc.
Watch at least one show (or read about it somewhere like TV Without Pity) so that you can chip in with a quip. The best part is, you can be as snarky as you like. Read about people who haven't been as fortunate as you, and when you meet someone 'unenlightened' try and find out what they know more about than you. And please, PLEASE don't talk to people like you're interrogating them, ie "You liked that song? WHY did you like that song?" because I get the feeling that's what you might end up doing. You really need to work on your empathy, and it's something you can't fake.
posted by gatchaman at 12:04 PM on December 10, 2007

Gosh, you sound like the male version of me. I envied you from your self-description. People think there's something special about you. They want to have lunch with you. So they're a little intimidated -- so what? You could parlay this into having a lot of power if you wanted it.

(I'm a little blonde girl with a similar inner life to yours, but I'm perceived as powerless becasue I'm short, cute, meek. If I were the same person in your tall, intimidating physical body, I'd be ready to run the world. Maybe you should try it.)

What strikes me right away is that people perceive you as powerful, and that's a contrast with how you feel inside. I think it's a good thing that people seem to be attracted to you. If they fear you a little bit, it says more about their own insecurities than anything else.
posted by frosty_hut at 12:52 PM on December 10, 2007

Smart people work hard to be good at social interaction because they realize that we are a social species and to be liked is to be powerful.

Practice. I know when you're an introvert this is quite painful, but the more you do it, the more you'll like it and the easier it gets. It's like exercise. You can't get great abs by reading a book about crunches! You might get some tips on form, but you're going to have to do the crunches eventually.

You've already done one thing, tried self-deprecating humor, and gotten some feedback. Maybe see how someone else in your office uses self-deprecating humor successfully--how do they do it? Can you try doing it more like they do? Try other tactics, see what works on who. If you tell one person a story and they laugh and enjoy it, tell that same story to someone else. The world is full of people who are doing social experiments for you, all you have to do is pay attention. And practice.

Practice, practice, practice. Try to charm the counterperson at the coffee shop. Your mailman.. Say something nice to your sister.

You'll get the hang of it, and then you'll really be applying your intelligence.
posted by sondrialiac at 2:07 PM on December 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

People say I never smile, which sounds odd to me, who thinks he grins and blushes all the time but hey, there it is again. I seem to not know myself very well.

Are you smiling with your mouth, or with your whole face? Are you smiling on the inside, or just on the outside? Maybe what you think of as a pleasant expression just looks like a grimace, or, worse, looks like "I don't really like you, and I don't really like what's going on right now, but I'm going to smile because I should." If that's the thought that's going through your mind, it's possible that it's showing on your face. Changing your thoughts about people may be more effective than just changing the way you treat them. The advantage is that when your thoughts are in line, you won't have to concentrate on your behavior as much. Changing your thoughts just takes practice: Instead of "Crap, that sub-human girl I don't like," it's, "Hey, a human being, with worth and an interesting story."
posted by ramenopres at 3:35 PM on December 10, 2007

Late to the party, but I'd like to make the point that introverts -- that is, introverts that wish they were more outgoing -- are simply bad at social interaction, dumb at social interaction. Let that sink in a bit. You're just really dumb at this. But that's good news: This is a skill, just another type of intelligence, and it can be learned.

You know that ditsy girl who doesn't know a thing about PHP or the stock market (or whatever you're "smart" at), but who's always busy with friends on the weekend while you're playing WoW? She's smarter than you -- at social interaction. You can learn from her. Likewise your simple-minded bartender neighbor. Or that choad in marketing who couldn't tell a web page from a web something-else. (I fail at rhetoric.) So the good news is that there are lots of people out there who HAVE this skill you seek, and you can learn it from them.

Two specific suggestions:
1. Befriend people that are good at making friends. Hang out with them. Learn from them.
2. Check out David DeAngelo's stuff. I know, I know: He's generally known as a "pick-up" guru, teaching how to meet/seduce women, but a lot of the pick-up "art" is really just understanding social interaction and learning how to overcome social barriers. Many of the same techniques can be used for opening conversations, making friends, intuiting social hierachies, etc. It's really fascinating stuff, learning to read body language, learning to consciously subcommunicate ideas and control your subconscious subcommunication, really understanding the conversation beneath the conversation.

Ultimately, I think, this is about bringing social value to other people, making them feel good about themselves -- not because you're needy and want them to like you, but because you truly want them to be happy and fulfilled.
posted by LordSludge at 7:29 AM on December 11, 2007 [1 favorite]