How does the sudden departure of a person from a group of friends influence the mood of the rest?
January 28, 2011 5:00 PM Subscribe
How does the sudden departure of a person from a group of friends influence the mood of the rest? Or: Is it wrong to simply leave if you don't feel like partying?
I'm currently staying with my brother for a few days to celebrate his college graduation. While he is as relaxed as he hasn't been for the last months, I'm still rather stressed out. In the last days, he and his college friends went to some bars and clubs. I know most of them and get along with them, but still feel like a stranger among them. It now happened the second time that my brother and his friends were at a club or pub, and I returned to his home early and did some work. I don't mind being alone, but I wonder whether I ruined the mood by leaving. My brother always apologized to me about the unfit party environment, when I asked for the keys to his apartment. I don't want to spoil his mood, but I also don't like feigning happiness when all I want to do is get out of the place. What does the hive mind think?
Second question: Is it dangerous to flee back to your comfort zone too often?
I'm currently staying with my brother for a few days to celebrate his college graduation. While he is as relaxed as he hasn't been for the last months, I'm still rather stressed out. In the last days, he and his college friends went to some bars and clubs. I know most of them and get along with them, but still feel like a stranger among them. It now happened the second time that my brother and his friends were at a club or pub, and I returned to his home early and did some work. I don't mind being alone, but I wonder whether I ruined the mood by leaving. My brother always apologized to me about the unfit party environment, when I asked for the keys to his apartment. I don't want to spoil his mood, but I also don't like feigning happiness when all I want to do is get out of the place. What does the hive mind think?
Second question: Is it dangerous to flee back to your comfort zone too often?
Don't worry about it. You'd definitely be spoiling the mood, though, if you stayed on as this stressed-out presence in a group of partiers.
posted by corey flood at 5:23 PM on January 28, 2011
posted by corey flood at 5:23 PM on January 28, 2011
Best answer: Don't just leave... as in disappear. Let your friends know that you are going to leave in, say, 30 minutes, that way it isn't a surprise. Sure, it will be disappointing, but as long as it is 'on the books' it shouldn't be a problem.
I have a friend who would promise to hang out with me on the weekend, and then send my calls to voicemail and not answer the phone. I've told him numerous times that if he doesn't want to hang out, he can just let me know that verbally and I'll be fine with it. But when people are expecting him to come over and he refuses to pick up the phone, it's just childish.
posted by darkgroove at 5:31 PM on January 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
I have a friend who would promise to hang out with me on the weekend, and then send my calls to voicemail and not answer the phone. I've told him numerous times that if he doesn't want to hang out, he can just let me know that verbally and I'll be fine with it. But when people are expecting him to come over and he refuses to pick up the phone, it's just childish.
posted by darkgroove at 5:31 PM on January 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
Leaving the group may influence the mood of everyone else, depending on a lot of variables about which we don't have enough information to really know. But in any event, it is NOT wrong to leave if you don't feel like partying. Further, if your brother is apologizing to you, it doesn't sound like he's bothered by that -- tell him you don't mind being alone and he won't feel guilty, and if he says it's cool, you also definitely shouldn't feel guilty.
posted by J. Wilson at 5:38 PM on January 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by J. Wilson at 5:38 PM on January 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
There's a big difference between "This sucks and I'm bored. Later." and "I wish I could hang, but I've got all this shit to do and I'm worn out. Have a shot of tequila for me!"
It's all in how you do it.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 5:45 PM on January 28, 2011 [13 favorites]
It's all in how you do it.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 5:45 PM on January 28, 2011 [13 favorites]
Trying to see it from your brother's point of view, as well as his friends', I can't see how your leaving would "ruin the mood". I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that they're probably perfectly capable of continuing the party without you. Don't stress about it.
posted by fso at 5:51 PM on January 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by fso at 5:51 PM on January 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I've often been the one who leaves early. I'm an introvert who gets worn out before last call, even with my closest friends.
The less time you spend in these situations while pouty or worn out, the better. As long as you're managing your stress/less-positive emotions well while you are out with the group, you won't be a buzzkill. That said, though, you're really not responsible for their happiness. On preview, darkgroove's points about communication are key.
As for your second question, establishing a pattern of ending the night early can be socially dangerous, especially in your early 20s. You run the risk of having people assume that you're some combination of (a) boring, (b) not interested in spending time with them, or (c) categorically busy and they may stop inviting you to do anything. Issue (b) is the only one you need to worry about and actively work against -- make sure that people know that you do want to spend time with them.
posted by thisjax at 6:08 PM on January 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
The less time you spend in these situations while pouty or worn out, the better. As long as you're managing your stress/less-positive emotions well while you are out with the group, you won't be a buzzkill. That said, though, you're really not responsible for their happiness. On preview, darkgroove's points about communication are key.
As for your second question, establishing a pattern of ending the night early can be socially dangerous, especially in your early 20s. You run the risk of having people assume that you're some combination of (a) boring, (b) not interested in spending time with them, or (c) categorically busy and they may stop inviting you to do anything. Issue (b) is the only one you need to worry about and actively work against -- make sure that people know that you do want to spend time with them.
posted by thisjax at 6:08 PM on January 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
I've often been the one who leaves early. I'm an introvert who gets worn out before last call, even with my closest friends.
I'm often this person too. I feel that it's different when you're with your peer group and when you're not. Your brother is a great guy and you like him (I'm assuming) but his way of partying may not be your way. If this were your peer group and you always left early it might be a sort of "huh, well why do they hang out with us then?" situation. This is not that.
My thing has always been to leave while I'm still cheery and make it crystal clear that I'm leaving for a reason that has nothing to do with having a bad time just the way BitterOldPunk says it. Leave before you feel trapped. If you know that you're likely to leave early you can let someone know ahead of time ["hey I have to get up early tomorrow so I may scoot out before last call, fyi"] so you can just zipzip when it's time to leave and not have to do all this explaining.
So, in my world, it's fine to spend some hangout time and then spend some alone time. Staying home and saying "you guys go on without me" every night would be less cool and more something I'd try not to do if I were staying with a family member.
posted by jessamyn at 6:17 PM on January 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
I'm often this person too. I feel that it's different when you're with your peer group and when you're not. Your brother is a great guy and you like him (I'm assuming) but his way of partying may not be your way. If this were your peer group and you always left early it might be a sort of "huh, well why do they hang out with us then?" situation. This is not that.
My thing has always been to leave while I'm still cheery and make it crystal clear that I'm leaving for a reason that has nothing to do with having a bad time just the way BitterOldPunk says it. Leave before you feel trapped. If you know that you're likely to leave early you can let someone know ahead of time ["hey I have to get up early tomorrow so I may scoot out before last call, fyi"] so you can just zipzip when it's time to leave and not have to do all this explaining.
So, in my world, it's fine to spend some hangout time and then spend some alone time. Staying home and saying "you guys go on without me" every night would be less cool and more something I'd try not to do if I were staying with a family member.
posted by jessamyn at 6:17 PM on January 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
You aren't one of the friends, you're the brother of one of the friends. Do whatever you want, everybody will give you a brother pass just fine. Brothers hanging out with existing circles of friends get to do whatever they want without worrying about it reflecting on them (save murder or barfing on someone's shoes). If you're weird about it, just disappear, or whatever, you'll just be Bob's brother-who-sometimes-is-eccentric. Anything above and beyond this in manners is a bonus.
posted by rhizome at 6:21 PM on January 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by rhizome at 6:21 PM on January 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
Ruining the party vibe would be leaving in a huff, making some snide comments about the atmosphere, abandoning your bar tab or generally making a scene. Also, this is your brother's friends not yours, right? I think they are probably glad to have you but unless you're buying everyone rounds all night, you're not making the party. The key is to leave well. At an appropriate moment, pay your bill and leave a tip and say, "Well, guys -- I gotta get some stuff done tonight back at the house. Thanks for a great evening. Enjoy!" If you wanna be real classy, pay for a pitcher to be sent over after you've gone.
posted by amanda at 7:10 PM on January 28, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by amanda at 7:10 PM on January 28, 2011 [3 favorites]
I don't see this as a problem at all. When I go out with a group, people trickle off. *Someone* has to be the first to go! Might as well be you. Just don't make a big deal of it, leaving people wondering "What was that about?" Just say, "Hey man, I'm taking off. See ya later!"
posted by iguanapolitico at 7:50 AM on January 29, 2011
posted by iguanapolitico at 7:50 AM on January 29, 2011
Response by poster: Oh, thank you for your advice and perspectives!
What I did wrong was staying until I felt trapped and then leaving in a hurry. However, it doesn't seem like it created any problems, since my brother knew about me being busy and if the others don't care, thats okay.
posted by Triton at 5:39 PM on January 31, 2011
What I did wrong was staying until I felt trapped and then leaving in a hurry. However, it doesn't seem like it created any problems, since my brother knew about me being busy and if the others don't care, thats okay.
posted by Triton at 5:39 PM on January 31, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
Relax, you have a right to your comfort zone..
posted by HuronBob at 5:21 PM on January 28, 2011 [1 favorite]