Condoms? Condoms!

January 14, 2011 10:46 AM

It happens to everyone eventually. My anonymous AskMeFi sex question is within! NSFW details included.

My wife and I have been together for 8 years or so now. During this time, we never used condoms. She was on the pill. We were exclusive, then married, so it never really was an issue.

Now, as she investigates some health issues, she's made the decision (in consultation with her gynecologist) to stop taking birth control and get back to a hormonal "baseline" so to speak.

This means that for a as-of-yet undetermined amount of time, I will likely need to wear a condom when we do the dirty.

I'm OK with this. Obviously my wife's health and her level of comfort with what she takes into her body is my (and our) paramount concern - so if I need to put on a jacket for the next couple of months, hey, shit happens. Small price to pay.

But the thing is, our first time with it last night was absolutely horrible. For me. And it makes me have absolutely no interest in sex. And that's a problem.

I mean, seriously? Maybe it was the brand? Or the style? Or the alignment of the stars? But after being away from the condom game for nearly a decade, I honestly couldn't even tell I was "inside" without visual verification.

From there, it was a struggle to maintain my erection.

She came. She rolled over and went to sleep.

I was left, semi-limp and unfulfilled, to toss my condom in the trash and consider whether I wanted to go to the bathroom and finish myself off. Hooray. It is my sincere hope that maybe there are some things we can do so that this is not the prospect of my sex life for the next several months, because if it is, I'm going to be honest - I'm not going to have a whole lot of interest in getting it on.

I guess my question is - are there some strategies to help this transition to "condom"-life? Are there brands or styles that might help? Are there things that we can do, either before or after, that might help it be a more fulfilling experience?

Obviously millions and millions of people have sex with condoms every day, and manage to reasonably enjoy themselves.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (38 answers total)

More oral, more manual, less focus on intercourse. Drop of lube inside the condom seems to help some dudes.

Communicate this to your wife. Did you tell her, "Hey, this isn't really working, let's try something else?"

Get a vasectomy.
posted by mollymayhem at 10:52 AM on January 14, 2011 [8 favorites]

Well I'd suggest trying a couple more condom varieties before writing them off. Some are better than others. Also, you've been married 8 years and since you don't mention kids I gotta say... vasectomy? I mean, if you're not having them then birth control is as much your responsibility as hers.
posted by GuyZero at 10:52 AM on January 14, 2011 [2 favorites]

My husband and I went to condoms when I went off the pill due to worries about blood clots. I ain't gonna lie, it SUCKED. But what helped a lot was going to our local awesome sex shop and picking up a large sampler of different styles; some were way, WAY better than others.

Do you have children? Are you planning on ever having children (or more children)? Once your wife's hormones re-regulate and she gets into a regular cycle, the Fertility Awareness Method is actually a really effective form of birth control. It is NOT NOT NOT the calendar-based "rhythm method," it's far more subtle and effective than that. My husband was never comfortable enough with it to trust it entirely, but I do know many couples who have used this method for decades and ended up with only the children they conceived on purpose. It doesn't mean ditching the condoms entirely, unless you also want to have an abstinent week+ in the middle of her cycle, but it does mean you can cut down on them.
posted by KathrynT at 10:55 AM on January 14, 2011 [3 favorites]

Your wife could get a diaphragm! No hormones + full sensation for both of you.
posted by red_rabbit at 10:55 AM on January 14, 2011 [2 favorites]

Since you don't have to worry about disease, you might try lambskin condoms instead of latex, which feel more natural. Or try poly condoms, which conduct heat better than latex.

I would also try masturbating with a condom on a few times, just to get back in the saddle. Prep yourself to succeed by watching or reading erotica that especially appeals to you. It could just just be a matter of getting used to having that barrier again, and working on that alone might prevent bad feelings and performance anxiety.
posted by headspace at 10:55 AM on January 14, 2011

Your penis is lubed up before you put the condom on, right?

My boyfriend had your problem, and he used to practice masturbating with a condom on. It helped with sensitivity when we were actually having sex.
posted by pluot at 10:57 AM on January 14, 2011

Why don't you offer to get a vasectomy. You'll be able to have sex without condoms because your semen won't have any sperm in it! Win for everyone!
posted by parmanparman at 11:00 AM on January 14, 2011 [2 favorites]

Are there things that we can do, either before or after, that might help it be a more fulfilling experience?

I feel like this is stating the blindingly obvious, but... can't she give you a blow job? Or a hand job? Or do something sexy-sexy while you masturbate? I don't know if these are part of your guys' normal repertoire or not, but either way, this is a conversation that definitely needs to be had -- NOT in the moment, when there's more potential for feelings to get hurt, but sometime out of the bedroom in a nonconfrontational, loving, "we're in this together" sort of way. Your pleasure is as important as hers. She would agree with that, right?

on preview: Honestly, if your wife came, rolled over and went to sleep, without a concern for your satisfaction, it's not an issue with the condoms.

I agree that the issue of mutual satisfaction definitely needs to be talked about. That said, there are some condoms that seem to be better than others (from what my boyfriend has said) in terms of preserving sensation -- after some trial and error, his preference (when we've had to use condoms) turned out to be Crown.
posted by scody at 11:00 AM on January 14, 2011 [1 favorite]

Re: trying new brands, if you're in the U.S. or Canada, Condom Depot has sampler packs, and ratings for all the different types. I know there's a bunch of brands on there that my partner and I can't find where we are, not sure if they're more common in the U.S.. Good way to branch out, anyways :)
posted by torisaur at 11:01 AM on January 14, 2011 [1 favorite]

You might want to try an inspiral condom. They aren't just a dumb gimmick (the way f'rinstance ribbed ones are) — they actually do feel significantly less awful than plain ones.
posted by nebulawindphone at 11:03 AM on January 14, 2011

There's tons of different non-hormonal birth control options besides condoms. Vasectomy, sponge, diaphragm, copper IUD.
posted by Lobster Garden at 11:12 AM on January 14, 2011 [3 favorites]

You can also -- with care and self-education -- go the natural route. Taking Charge of Your Fertility is really helpful, whether you're trying to get pregnant or avoid it.
posted by kestrel251 at 11:16 AM on January 14, 2011

I realize that last night was really not good for you, but I wouldn't write off the idea that you'll happen to get used to it. Millions of 21-year-old guys loooooove having sex with condoms on. It may not be as super-super-amazing as having sex without condoms, but from what I hear, it's not all that bad.
posted by salvia at 11:18 AM on January 14, 2011

We both hated latex condoms, but the Avanti polyeurethane ones were not bad at all. They conduct heat better than latex plus they don't have that sensation of "drag" against your skin. It helps sensation if you put some lube in the tip before putting it on, as well.

My husband was able to keep an erection just fine using the Avanti, but it was rare that he could actually orgasm during intercourse with the condom on. We'd usually fool around until the point we wanted penetration, then we'd screw for awhile with the condom on until I was satisfied, and then I'd take the condom off him and finish him orally or manually.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 11:18 AM on January 14, 2011

OK, back to the original question...

I like Lifestyles best. Durex & Trojan condoms are thicker; in the case of one partner, Lifestyles were thin enough to prove fragile (unusual interior body architecture). That being said, each brand has its own line of "ultra-sensitive" (generally thinner) and "performance enhancing (generally thicker).

Squirt a bit of lube into the end, and leave an inch or so unfilled (pinch it off when putting the condom on, so you don't capture a big pocket of air). In this way, the "bottom" of the condom can slide back & forth on your corona, the way her body would.

Also, there are condoms out there built to accomplish just this, with a wider "bulb" at the end.
posted by IAmBroom at 11:24 AM on January 14, 2011

2nding lube inside the condom and the variety pack of different kinds. (I personally prefer Durex Extra Sensitive, the kind in the purple box, some people I know swear by Kimonos.)
posted by NoraReed at 11:25 AM on January 14, 2011

P.S. sorry if my comment above seems insensitive (no pun intended). I'm not trying to be a jerk to you. Last night clearly sucked, but the first time in a new situation is often not good. I actually know about four non-hormonal-BC married couples for whom condoms are the long-term solution, so it can be done.

And it sounds like the situation was tough for more than purely-physical reasons ("I was left, semi-limp and unfulfilled..."). The vibe I get is that feeling uncared-for added some "oh hell no!" fuel to the "wait this kinda sucks" fire. Hopefully you'll find a good option, good luck.
posted by salvia at 11:31 AM on January 14, 2011

Try some Japanese-made condoms. Especially the Okamoto 003 or Sagami 002, or the Beyond Seven, or the Crown, as suggested above. They are extremely thin (claim to be thinnest in the world) which may help with sensation.
posted by banishedimmortal at 11:34 AM on January 14, 2011 [1 favorite]

thirding lube inside condoms. And paying a little extra for better brands.

Also -- okay, I kid you not, but those "magnum" size condoms really are not a joke designed to make some guys feel all macho about having a big schlong. I've had a multiple number of partners who've been of a bigger....er, girth than the norm, and they've all said that the bigger size makes a HUGE difference for them; the normal size is a little too uncomfortably snug, and it affected their sensation. If you're a bit....huskier, try that.

If you guys decide to give up condoms anyway and are looking for a plan C, there's always the cervical cap -- it's a little tricky to find anyone in the US who will distribute it, but it is still FDA approved, and I absolutely love mine; it works like the diaphragm but is yards more convenient.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:36 AM on January 14, 2011

The difficulty with giving recommendations on brands is that just like recommendations for hats, not everyone has the same size/shaped head... nthing using lube, but also try a sampler pack from one of the online vendors like Condomania.
posted by Runes at 11:50 AM on January 14, 2011

You just need to get used to the feeling. Tell your doctor, he'll happily write you a scrip for Leviagralis or whatever, take it the next couple of times you use a condom.
posted by nicwolff at 11:53 AM on January 14, 2011

try polyurethane condoms (durex avanti for example)....

also, the vasectomy.
posted by uauage at 11:56 AM on January 14, 2011

Seconding Crown condoms, they are the best (and usually cheap! They're always on sale at drugstore.com but I can never find them in brick & mortar drugstores). I have no idea if this is an issue for you, but when my fiance and I switched to using condoms (for the same hormonal-baseline reasons), the whole grabbing a condom, opening the package etc. process tended to really break the mood. We found that getting a nice, super-easy-access decorative box to keep them in helped a lot, and that as we got used to it, it got a lot easier to maintain the momentum.

Diaphragms are fine, but if you try that, your wife should definitely watch out for the spermicide - all I could ever find was nonoxynol-9 products, which I am apparently very sensitive to (boy was that a fun lesson to learn). They used to make some sort of lactic acid product, but it's no longer available in the US and it's pretty expensive and difficult to import (although I was able to find a forum community that would go in on big orders).

Most important is probably patience - it will take time to figure out what you're comfortable with and what feels good. Don't write things off after one try (unless it's just horrible). Make sure to communicate very clearly with each other in the early stages so that resentment doesn't build. Tell her how you felt about last night - but keep in mind that the really big issue is that she didn't seem to care about your experience, not just the condoms.
posted by dialetheia at 12:15 PM on January 14, 2011

There are psychological issues at hand here- if you can get her to communicate more during sex 'acting' as though there were no condom (I presume you can imagine what the dialogue would consist of) it might more closely approximate your previous experiences as a couple
posted by MangyCarface at 12:35 PM on January 14, 2011

Is it possible the condoms are too small? I suspected this with my partner, and we found Vivid Large condoms to be worlds better. I'd look into trying out different types, notably ones that are not simply found in the drugstore.
posted by wondershrew with a helping of potato salad at 12:44 PM on January 14, 2011

Also, there is a Large Size Condom Sampler from Condomania, one of which might work out perfectly. There are other samplers as well if you don't think size is the problem. This one looks promising: The Pleasure Condom Sampler, which is "built on the concept that shape and fit can dramatically enhance sensitivity and sensation," and this sampler seems to have a wide range. Good luck.
posted by wondershrew with a helping of potato salad at 12:54 PM on January 14, 2011

The roll-over thing is not cool. I'll assume that this may have been exacerbated by the frustrations with keeping the lead in your pencil - perhaps this had gone on longer than she was used to and she was similarly frustrated. It seems unfair to us men that anyone else can get as annoyed by our lofting difficulties as we are, but many women have a hard time not taking it personally even when they know better.

And who knows how else this has impacted her biologically and mentally. We know a couple who made the conscious decision to have kids... and yet in their first unprotected encounter the wife, so stressed out by having unprotected sex with her husband of five years, had to have a few drinks first. While we had a good laugh at her need to get liquored up in order to let her husband take advantage of her, it shows just how ingrained some of these reactions can get.

That sort of thing aside, yeah, there's a tremendous difference in condoms. Like you, medical issues force us to use them in our long-term monogamous marriage. I would have to look to see which brand I have discovered I like best but I don't know that it matters - it's very personal. I'd suggest looking at some of the online vendors to see if you can find one that sells a variety pack.

Then experiment. Don't feel like you need to use one specific brand for the entire, um, encounter. If you put one on and it's not working out, ditch it and try on another one. Eventually you'll find one you like better.

You might also try the female condom. We've never bothered but if you're not happy with any of the traditional ones then perhaps those will feel more pleasing to you.
posted by phearlez at 12:55 PM on January 14, 2011

I've recently gone off the pill for similar reasons, and Trojan Ultra Thin condoms (grey box) are pretty great. My boyfriend agrees. There's none of that *crinkle* feeling that normal condoms have.
posted by coppermoss at 1:34 PM on January 14, 2011

Non-horomonal (copper) IUD may be the solution in the long term. No muss no fuss for 10 years. And it's as effective as tubal ligation.

Until then, as many have already said: go for the condom sampler pack. Condomania is a great site for that, also your local sex shop. Someone mentioned lambskin - if you can get past the "ick" factor, they're pretty cool.

If you have more questions, you can always call San Francisco Sex Information 415-989-SFSI or http://www.sfsi.org.
posted by bikergirl at 3:23 PM on January 14, 2011

Non-horomonal (copper) IUD may be the solution in the long term. No muss no fuss for 10 years.

It's 12 years, actually.
posted by Lobster Garden at 3:50 PM on January 14, 2011

The Kimono Micro Thin Condom is worth trying.
posted by with the singing green stars as our guide at 3:58 PM on January 14, 2011

Just my $0.02... I hate Trojans. Tried them maybe 4 times, never felt right. The condom that works best for me is the Lifestyles Thyns (I do hate how they spell thin). They fit the best and feel the best. Get a variety pack of condom styles and try them out before giving up.
posted by token-ring at 5:00 PM on January 14, 2011 [1 favorite]

We recently had to switch back to condoms because I was on antibiotics. It had been so long since the last time we used them that most if our stash had expired. We bought some of the Kimonos and my husband said he was surprised that he barely noticed the condom during sex. I think we also used one of the Trojan Ultra Thin (or whichever one is in the gray box) and that worked fine as well.
posted by Terriniski at 3:39 AM on January 15, 2011

well, it was your first time. use it as an opportunity to test drive various condoms? make it fun? think of it as good practice for when life throws other occasions that obligate you to break your sexual routines (one of you breaks a leg, or whatever)

also, if she's just gone off hormonal birth control, she may have some mood issues that could benefit from a partner's patience, especially if the decision was motivated by a health concern. the issue may be bothering her more than she's letting on, or her libido might have changed, or she might feel bad because you have to use a condom and she picked up that you were not into it, and her way of dealing with it was to disengage as quickly as possible.

when i was between birth control solutions, we used the trojan ultra thin and were pretty satisfied.
posted by thinkingwoman at 8:52 AM on January 15, 2011

Everything made by Durex is amazing. The latex ones are fine and you'll barely notice them. The Avanti plastic ones are even better, but harder to find and more expensive (on the order of a couple bucks per condom).
posted by mathowie at 9:13 AM on January 15, 2011

Nthing IUD. It's highly effective and delightfully low maintenance. If you want kids she can have it taken out anytime. If you don't, it'll last 10 years (at least) and when that time is up she can either get a new one or you can return the favor by getting a vasectomy. Plus, tons of unprotected sex whenever you* want! Everybody wins!


*and your lady
posted by Mrs.Spiffy at 9:59 AM on January 15, 2011

I swear by Crown, Mamba, Kimono Microthin, and Beyond 7. World of difference from standard drugstore brands. Are you using lube? And maybe you need more foreplay/mental stimulation to compensate for the change in habits, like dirty talk, more visual positions, fantasizing, etc. Definitely talk about it honestly but lovingly.
posted by ifjuly at 11:02 PM on January 17, 2011

How bad do you not want to a child? Do you not want one ever? A vascetomy is an obvious choice then.

Otherwise, some studies show withdrawl is just an effective as condoms.
posted by idle at 5:50 AM on January 18, 2011