Is this grounds for DTMFA?
October 19, 2010 3:46 PM Subscribe
I know I tend to overreact, take things personally and get my feelings hurt easily. I tend to feel abused at times it isn't warranted. I'm working on these things in therapy and improving. But my tendencies make me question my response every time, even when hurt and self-protection might be warranted. Please help me figure out if this is one of those times.
My husband and I split expenses and don't pool our money. Both of us feel that this is fair, and we both tend to keep score.
We are both low on money right now, which of course causes us both anxiety.
Recently my husband loaned our car to a friend who left paraphernalia in it, and we happened to be stopped and searched. The paraphernalia was found, and as I was driving, I got the ticket.
I had no idea the stuff had been there, and I was very angry with him for lending the car to an irresponsible person. He promised he'd call a lawyer and pay the ticket himself.
After a couple weeks he changed his tune. He claims he doesn't have the money to pay all of it and will pay half, and doesn't have time to call the lawyer either. He admitted he had just said he would to pacify me because I was hysterical. I was not at all hysterical at the time.
I insisted he make good on his word, told him what he was doing was a real dick move, and said that if my carelessness had caused something valuable of his to be stolen, for example, he would rightly insist that I replace it.
He grumpily agreed to pay the whole thing and he didn't seem angry with me, but it felt like a wheeling and dealing type of negotiation with manipulation of me thrown in for good measure.
Part of me is considering leaving him over this, because to me this just isn't how you treat your spouse. I wanted him to apologize and humbly make good on his mistake. I'm outraged and disappointed in him and I respect him less for staying friends with the guy who did this.
I know he doesn't have much money, but most courts will take payment plans. I was humiliated by being stopped and searched, especially since I kept insisting there was nothing in the car.
He dismisses this. "It's not like you lost a limb," he says. "In the grand scheme of things, this is so minor."
I just feel really betrayed and resentful, and I feel unloved and unsupported.
He won't go to counseling, so there's no need to suggest that.
I know anyone would be angry, but is feeling this victimized appropriate?
My husband and I split expenses and don't pool our money. Both of us feel that this is fair, and we both tend to keep score.
We are both low on money right now, which of course causes us both anxiety.
Recently my husband loaned our car to a friend who left paraphernalia in it, and we happened to be stopped and searched. The paraphernalia was found, and as I was driving, I got the ticket.
I had no idea the stuff had been there, and I was very angry with him for lending the car to an irresponsible person. He promised he'd call a lawyer and pay the ticket himself.
After a couple weeks he changed his tune. He claims he doesn't have the money to pay all of it and will pay half, and doesn't have time to call the lawyer either. He admitted he had just said he would to pacify me because I was hysterical. I was not at all hysterical at the time.
I insisted he make good on his word, told him what he was doing was a real dick move, and said that if my carelessness had caused something valuable of his to be stolen, for example, he would rightly insist that I replace it.
He grumpily agreed to pay the whole thing and he didn't seem angry with me, but it felt like a wheeling and dealing type of negotiation with manipulation of me thrown in for good measure.
Part of me is considering leaving him over this, because to me this just isn't how you treat your spouse. I wanted him to apologize and humbly make good on his mistake. I'm outraged and disappointed in him and I respect him less for staying friends with the guy who did this.
I know he doesn't have much money, but most courts will take payment plans. I was humiliated by being stopped and searched, especially since I kept insisting there was nothing in the car.
He dismisses this. "It's not like you lost a limb," he says. "In the grand scheme of things, this is so minor."
I just feel really betrayed and resentful, and I feel unloved and unsupported.
He won't go to counseling, so there's no need to suggest that.
I know anyone would be angry, but is feeling this victimized appropriate?
I'd be pissed if my husband loaned our car to anyone, much less some clown who can't keep track of his belongings, esp. when funds are tight.
Your husband is either a person who keeps his word or he's not. He can't say one thing and then, when you ask him to actually follow through, claim he had his pinkies crossed or that you were acting nutsy or whatever. He said it, you heard him, he does it-- that's the deal.
He might have trouble saying "sorry" and acting all humble, and while I wouldn't like that, I could live with it, if he made good on the mistake.
He's trying to tell you that your feelings about this don't matter, which is demeaning. I can't tell you what to do, but I'd really take a hard look at the total package. Does he think that only loss of a limb warrants any distress on your part? Does he usually have trouble putting himself in another's situation?
(Not that you asked, but I think keeping score is a bad thing in a marriage, unless you're keeping track of yourself only.)
You're right to be mad about the car, you're right to expect more support and consideration from your husband.
posted by Ideefixe at 3:59 PM on October 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
Your husband is either a person who keeps his word or he's not. He can't say one thing and then, when you ask him to actually follow through, claim he had his pinkies crossed or that you were acting nutsy or whatever. He said it, you heard him, he does it-- that's the deal.
He might have trouble saying "sorry" and acting all humble, and while I wouldn't like that, I could live with it, if he made good on the mistake.
He's trying to tell you that your feelings about this don't matter, which is demeaning. I can't tell you what to do, but I'd really take a hard look at the total package. Does he think that only loss of a limb warrants any distress on your part? Does he usually have trouble putting himself in another's situation?
(Not that you asked, but I think keeping score is a bad thing in a marriage, unless you're keeping track of yourself only.)
You're right to be mad about the car, you're right to expect more support and consideration from your husband.
posted by Ideefixe at 3:59 PM on October 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
You are not the unreasonable one in this situation. If this were me I would also feel betrayed, victimized, resentful, unloved, and unsupported. You didn't do anything wrong, yet you experienced all the negative consequences of your husband's friend's bad judgement. Personally, while I would be livid and hurt, this situation alone would probably not make me leave a partner, especially if he took responsibility and tried to make up for it. But your guy isn't doing that, and if this was the latest event in a pattern (as I suspect it is, otherwise why would you be considering splitting up), then it sounds like maybe you're justified in feeling that this is close to the straw to break my camel's back. I know you said "no counselling", but counselling is a less expensive and less traumatic first step than leaving him. Does he know you're THIS upset?
How about, "This issue may seem minor to you, but it was a very big deal to me. I feel like we are developing a pattern where I say that something is important to me, and you tell me it's minor. This was NOT minor to me; I am really upset. This is a bad enough problem for me that I am starting to feel like our relationship is in serious trouble. If you value me and our relationship, we need to go to counselling together in the next two weeks. If you say no to this request, I am going to be extremely upset and it will make me seriously doubt that you take our partnership seriously."
posted by pseudostrabismus at 3:59 PM on October 19, 2010
How about, "This issue may seem minor to you, but it was a very big deal to me. I feel like we are developing a pattern where I say that something is important to me, and you tell me it's minor. This was NOT minor to me; I am really upset. This is a bad enough problem for me that I am starting to feel like our relationship is in serious trouble. If you value me and our relationship, we need to go to counselling together in the next two weeks. If you say no to this request, I am going to be extremely upset and it will make me seriously doubt that you take our partnership seriously."
posted by pseudostrabismus at 3:59 PM on October 19, 2010
I don't really have a direct answer to this... but shouldn't the friend be the one paying this ticket, not either of you?
posted by brainmouse at 4:01 PM on October 19, 2010 [48 favorites]
posted by brainmouse at 4:01 PM on October 19, 2010 [48 favorites]
I assume this isn't a single bad incident in an otherwise flawless marriage. Two things about this stand out to me:
1. He's trivializing the experience, the consequences, and your feelings. That's a bad sign, trivializing. (It's part of why I suspect you're having bigger marital problems than just this incident.)
2. His line about "I loaned the car to a friend and HE left that paraphernalia in the trunk"? Is he for real?
I might not leave over his dickish behavior w/r/t paying the fine. But I would consider leaving him over lying about his own drug habit. (Not to mention, the drug habit itself.) I mean, honestly.
posted by ErikaB at 4:01 PM on October 19, 2010 [4 favorites]
1. He's trivializing the experience, the consequences, and your feelings. That's a bad sign, trivializing. (It's part of why I suspect you're having bigger marital problems than just this incident.)
2. His line about "I loaned the car to a friend and HE left that paraphernalia in the trunk"? Is he for real?
I might not leave over his dickish behavior w/r/t paying the fine. But I would consider leaving him over lying about his own drug habit. (Not to mention, the drug habit itself.) I mean, honestly.
posted by ErikaB at 4:01 PM on October 19, 2010 [4 favorites]
Recently my husband loaned our car to a friend who left paraphernalia in it, and we happened to be stopped and searched. The paraphernalia was found, and as I was driving, I got the ticket.
I had no idea the stuff had been there, and I was very angry with him for lending the car to an irresponsible person. He promised he'd call a lawyer and pay the ticket himself.
Surprise! Your husband is the owner of the paraphernalia in question and the reason he isn't pressuring the friend to accept responsibility and try to intervene on your behalf is because the friend is as clueless as you were. Now he's trying to make you eat the cost of the ticket as well. You know what you have to do.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 4:06 PM on October 19, 2010 [15 favorites]
I had no idea the stuff had been there, and I was very angry with him for lending the car to an irresponsible person. He promised he'd call a lawyer and pay the ticket himself.
Surprise! Your husband is the owner of the paraphernalia in question and the reason he isn't pressuring the friend to accept responsibility and try to intervene on your behalf is because the friend is as clueless as you were. Now he's trying to make you eat the cost of the ticket as well. You know what you have to do.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 4:06 PM on October 19, 2010 [15 favorites]
This is not a minor thing.
Say this:
"This issue may seem minor to you, but it was a very big deal to me. I feel like we are developing a pattern where I say that something is important to me, and you tell me it's minor. This was NOT minor to me; I am really upset. This is a bad enough problem for me that I am starting to feel like our relationship is in serious trouble. If you value me and our relationship, we need to go to counselling together in the next two weeks. If you say no to this request, I am going to be extremely upset and it will make me seriously doubt that you take our partnership seriously."
posted by freshwater at 4:13 PM on October 19, 2010 [2 favorites]
Say this:
"This issue may seem minor to you, but it was a very big deal to me. I feel like we are developing a pattern where I say that something is important to me, and you tell me it's minor. This was NOT minor to me; I am really upset. This is a bad enough problem for me that I am starting to feel like our relationship is in serious trouble. If you value me and our relationship, we need to go to counselling together in the next two weeks. If you say no to this request, I am going to be extremely upset and it will make me seriously doubt that you take our partnership seriously."
posted by freshwater at 4:13 PM on October 19, 2010 [2 favorites]
I personally can't imagine breaking a marriage over something this petty (albeit upsetting, and you have every right to be upset.) However, continuous trust and respect issues are very real and serious things to threaten a marriage, along with the obvious tension surrounding finances.
I recommend marriage counseling to address those underlying issues, and at least try to fix things before you leave him over this. He deserves a chance to take this problem as seriously as you're taking it, to understand WHY it's so destabilizing to your relationship, and to perhaps change his behavior accordingly. He also deserves a chance to air any grievances he may have from his side of things (and give you a chance to examine your own tendency to overreact,) with the guidance of an experienced professional.
posted by np312 at 4:14 PM on October 19, 2010
I recommend marriage counseling to address those underlying issues, and at least try to fix things before you leave him over this. He deserves a chance to take this problem as seriously as you're taking it, to understand WHY it's so destabilizing to your relationship, and to perhaps change his behavior accordingly. He also deserves a chance to air any grievances he may have from his side of things (and give you a chance to examine your own tendency to overreact,) with the guidance of an experienced professional.
posted by np312 at 4:14 PM on October 19, 2010
Whoops, I just read that he won't go to counseling. Well-- that's a pretty big red flag to me, right there.
posted by np312 at 4:15 PM on October 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by np312 at 4:15 PM on October 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
You're showing us a single isolated incident, one that shows your husband at his worst and then asking random strangers on the internet to judge whether you should stay married. Frankly, I and no one else in this thread are capable of advising you on that, we literally have too little information, presented in an extremely biased way, to judge that.
That said, your husband is behaving like a jackass. He loaned the only car you have to a friend. He quite possibly knew the guy was up to no good. He put both at you at extreme risk and when called on it said you were hysterical and didn't take you seriously, going so far as to manipulate you to shut you up.
No, that's not good behavior at all, especially from a spouse. You should tell him everything you've written here. You make your feelings clear and explain that you won't tolerate repeats of this incident. You should think and weigh the weight relationship, everything you know about him and his behavior and whether it's something you wish to continue dealing with. You should think about whether you love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him and then remember that sometimes even that isn't enough. You should decide just how much of this you're going to put up with. You should talk it over with your therapist.
Then, and only then, should you and you alone decide whether you want to continue being married to him.
posted by nomadicink at 4:22 PM on October 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
That said, your husband is behaving like a jackass. He loaned the only car you have to a friend. He quite possibly knew the guy was up to no good. He put both at you at extreme risk and when called on it said you were hysterical and didn't take you seriously, going so far as to manipulate you to shut you up.
No, that's not good behavior at all, especially from a spouse. You should tell him everything you've written here. You make your feelings clear and explain that you won't tolerate repeats of this incident. You should think and weigh the weight relationship, everything you know about him and his behavior and whether it's something you wish to continue dealing with. You should think about whether you love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him and then remember that sometimes even that isn't enough. You should decide just how much of this you're going to put up with. You should talk it over with your therapist.
Then, and only then, should you and you alone decide whether you want to continue being married to him.
posted by nomadicink at 4:22 PM on October 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
Your husband put his friend/his own actions (it might be his stuff) before you and tried to make you feel bad about it (his perspective - you were blowing it out of proportion - you are at fault here).
He behaved poorly and you're entitled to feel as hurt as you do. Your expectations about the relationship (and how one behaves towards a loved one) are not matching with his and this is why it hurts so much.
Maybe you can work through it - or maybe he can't really give you what you need.
But who has told you that you take things too personally? Him? Other people? You?
Be careful about that - if it's him, then yes I think you should definitely leave him.
Having expectations about how you want people to behave around you is not a bad thing. You should be allowed to feel as if you can trust people and be loved.
But be mindful that those people who are behaving badly are under no obligation to change. He might change because he loves you enough; or he might not. But you can control the situation you're in. And, ultimately, that might mean that you need to leave.
posted by mleigh at 4:24 PM on October 19, 2010
He behaved poorly and you're entitled to feel as hurt as you do. Your expectations about the relationship (and how one behaves towards a loved one) are not matching with his and this is why it hurts so much.
Maybe you can work through it - or maybe he can't really give you what you need.
But who has told you that you take things too personally? Him? Other people? You?
Be careful about that - if it's him, then yes I think you should definitely leave him.
Having expectations about how you want people to behave around you is not a bad thing. You should be allowed to feel as if you can trust people and be loved.
But be mindful that those people who are behaving badly are under no obligation to change. He might change because he loves you enough; or he might not. But you can control the situation you're in. And, ultimately, that might mean that you need to leave.
posted by mleigh at 4:24 PM on October 19, 2010
I wonder whose idea it was not to share funds and expenses within your marriage in the first place? (Be honest!)
Some here on AskMe will disagree, but I feel (from personal experience, and seeing how this financial choice plays out in other marriages...) that when a husband and wife don't share money and expenses (you know, because marriage=A SINGLE FAMILY UNIT) then the parties involved are really only living together until that divorce they both (demonstrably) feel is inevitable.
YMMV.
Anyway, it seems you are realizing something fundamental about marriage and what it means to you, personally. I suggest you follow this inkling you are having to whatever you find the logical conclusion to be...
And YES. This is TOTALLY effed up. Especially if "our" car was loaned to an outside party without permission! You and your husband can't keep both "keep score," and then have it be OK when one person unilaterally decides to loan shared assets to outside parties w/out the other's permission. The friend is responsible. Since your husband loaned the car without permission, your husband covers the ticket and is then free to seek reimbursement from friend. Or not. But either way, you don't owe a dime.
posted by jbenben at 4:25 PM on October 19, 2010 [9 favorites]
Some here on AskMe will disagree, but I feel (from personal experience, and seeing how this financial choice plays out in other marriages...) that when a husband and wife don't share money and expenses (you know, because marriage=A SINGLE FAMILY UNIT) then the parties involved are really only living together until that divorce they both (demonstrably) feel is inevitable.
YMMV.
Anyway, it seems you are realizing something fundamental about marriage and what it means to you, personally. I suggest you follow this inkling you are having to whatever you find the logical conclusion to be...
And YES. This is TOTALLY effed up. Especially if "our" car was loaned to an outside party without permission! You and your husband can't keep both "keep score," and then have it be OK when one person unilaterally decides to loan shared assets to outside parties w/out the other's permission. The friend is responsible. Since your husband loaned the car without permission, your husband covers the ticket and is then free to seek reimbursement from friend. Or not. But either way, you don't owe a dime.
posted by jbenben at 4:25 PM on October 19, 2010 [9 favorites]
So, let me get this straight.
Your husband, the man who's supposed to be your partner, and back you up in everything:
lent your only car to someone who left drug stuff in it (or left drug stuff in it himself), potentially exposing you (not him or his friend) to:
- arrest
- criminal record
- jail or prison
- impounding, confiscating and auctioning the car
- losing your job and/or not being able to get another one
- fines, court costs, attorney fees, probation fees
and he thinks you're blowing this out of proportion?
and he won't go to counseling?
Do I have all that right?
We've seen the cons - what are the pros in this argument?
posted by toodleydoodley at 4:35 PM on October 19, 2010 [24 favorites]
Your husband, the man who's supposed to be your partner, and back you up in everything:
lent your only car to someone who left drug stuff in it (or left drug stuff in it himself), potentially exposing you (not him or his friend) to:
- arrest
- criminal record
- jail or prison
- impounding, confiscating and auctioning the car
- losing your job and/or not being able to get another one
- fines, court costs, attorney fees, probation fees
and he thinks you're blowing this out of proportion?
and he won't go to counseling?
Do I have all that right?
We've seen the cons - what are the pros in this argument?
posted by toodleydoodley at 4:35 PM on October 19, 2010 [24 favorites]
From what little info you have provided us, it seems that in a normal disagreement between you two is that you get upset and he tries to calm you down asap. Then you later re-evaluate things, and sometimes yes it was excessive on your part. I don't find this unusual.
However you are in the delicate situation of having been in therapy for overreacting, are uncertain of what's reasonable, and are trying to improve here. So this gives him the general perspective that in all disagreements you will blow up now, but probably give in later if he plays his cards right. In this case, you've calmed down, have thought it over, and still feel he should pay up because it's his fault, not yours. Entirely logical in my opinion. You stuck to your guns, and told him he's still on the hook for the ticket, which is exactly what you should do - good for you!
Yeah it was a dick move, you called him on it - again, good!. You're still angry and don't trust him, that's perfectly fine. He's not being considerate of your feelings in a situation where you had every reason to feel hurt, embarrased and angry through his actions. Sometimes guys have a hard time putting value on emotions. Divorce seems a bit hasty, but I'd have an honest talk with him about how you need his emotional support - it's a key part of being married. Without it, what's the point?
posted by lizbunny at 5:25 PM on October 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
However you are in the delicate situation of having been in therapy for overreacting, are uncertain of what's reasonable, and are trying to improve here. So this gives him the general perspective that in all disagreements you will blow up now, but probably give in later if he plays his cards right. In this case, you've calmed down, have thought it over, and still feel he should pay up because it's his fault, not yours. Entirely logical in my opinion. You stuck to your guns, and told him he's still on the hook for the ticket, which is exactly what you should do - good for you!
Yeah it was a dick move, you called him on it - again, good!. You're still angry and don't trust him, that's perfectly fine. He's not being considerate of your feelings in a situation where you had every reason to feel hurt, embarrased and angry through his actions. Sometimes guys have a hard time putting value on emotions. Divorce seems a bit hasty, but I'd have an honest talk with him about how you need his emotional support - it's a key part of being married. Without it, what's the point?
posted by lizbunny at 5:25 PM on October 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
My husband and I have separate finances and it works well for us since he's self-employed and we also have different ideas on what to spend any discretionary funds on - it also works well because I lost my job awhile ago and he will still give me any amount of money I need if I'm low on cash for whatever reason. So I disagree that split finances lead to divorce or a lower level of commitment - when the going gets tough, we help each other out, no questions asked. But I don't want to be questioned about my IKEA or etsy purchases, he doesn't want to be questioned about bike stuff or new shirts at Marshalls. I think there would be more "keeping score" if we had everything shared.
But wow, your husband's acting like a teenager about the car. What you endured was completely humiliating and you're very lucky you only walked away with a ticket. You are completely within your rights to feel unsupported and disappointed and angry. I've been in situations where I felt my SO was being unsupportive, childish, and disappointing - it sucks. We can't tell you to leave or not, only you know how the rest of the relationship is going. In my case, my SO is awesome and the times I feel angry and unsupported are very few and far between, and we talk them through and counseling is totally an option.
Will writing him a long note or email explaining everything you said here make any impact? Or, perhaps, asking for a real attempt at counseling or separation if you feel it's that bad? If he's got a choice between counseling or you looking for your own place for awhile, would he go to counseling then?
posted by kpht at 5:28 PM on October 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
But wow, your husband's acting like a teenager about the car. What you endured was completely humiliating and you're very lucky you only walked away with a ticket. You are completely within your rights to feel unsupported and disappointed and angry. I've been in situations where I felt my SO was being unsupportive, childish, and disappointing - it sucks. We can't tell you to leave or not, only you know how the rest of the relationship is going. In my case, my SO is awesome and the times I feel angry and unsupported are very few and far between, and we talk them through and counseling is totally an option.
Will writing him a long note or email explaining everything you said here make any impact? Or, perhaps, asking for a real attempt at counseling or separation if you feel it's that bad? If he's got a choice between counseling or you looking for your own place for awhile, would he go to counseling then?
posted by kpht at 5:28 PM on October 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
Is it possible you are feeling "victimized" as an after-effect of the cop stop??
I was recently pulled over in the middle-of-nowhere warehouse district in downtown LA for chatting on the cellphone (my bad) and spent the entire traffic stop sobbing uncontrollably after the police asked for my id and registration. I couldn't drive for like 20 minutes afterwards, even though they only gave me a warning. Ditto that one time at the airport when the TSA mistook my hand cream for a glycerin bomb and recorded my id info in a book and made me sign it! Otherwise, I love the police. But when it comes to shit like "show me your papers" (or a car search - holy toledo!!) I just feel violated.
If this is the case for you, I imagine your husband's reaction in the aftermath must be compounding the sense of injustice you must have felt during the traffic stop.
posted by jbenben at 5:42 PM on October 19, 2010 [3 favorites]
I was recently pulled over in the middle-of-nowhere warehouse district in downtown LA for chatting on the cellphone (my bad) and spent the entire traffic stop sobbing uncontrollably after the police asked for my id and registration. I couldn't drive for like 20 minutes afterwards, even though they only gave me a warning. Ditto that one time at the airport when the TSA mistook my hand cream for a glycerin bomb and recorded my id info in a book and made me sign it! Otherwise, I love the police. But when it comes to shit like "show me your papers" (or a car search - holy toledo!!) I just feel violated.
If this is the case for you, I imagine your husband's reaction in the aftermath must be compounding the sense of injustice you must have felt during the traffic stop.
posted by jbenben at 5:42 PM on October 19, 2010 [3 favorites]
I'd give an ultimatum about going to therapy (much as I think ultimata are a pretty bogus tactic) long before I just left a marriage. It sounds like there are real communication issues here that leave you both uncomfortable. It sounds like there's a pattern of him giving in because you are angry. You have a right to be angry. But he should have a relationship with an emotional tenor that allows him to express his views, perhaps by him gaining comfort with a wider range of expression, or you both gaining an understanding of how to modify your patterns of communication. It doesn't sound like you're having much productive discussion about this. I think you're right in sensing a big problem, but you're a bit wrong in placing the blame on him rather than on some emergent dynamic of the relationship that probably developed over time in a complex way. It's more like: "honey, we have a problem. I'm really upset. And I'm sure this is really unpleasant for you too. Let's go get some help on this."
posted by salvia at 6:16 PM on October 19, 2010
posted by salvia at 6:16 PM on October 19, 2010
All of what I just said is separate from the car thing, where you're entirely in the right. But in my view breaking up because he once took a wrong position wouldn't make sense. To sum up, the small stuff is too small to break up over, and the big stuff seems likely to be one of those complex things that you both had a hand in creating over time.
posted by salvia at 6:33 PM on October 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by salvia at 6:33 PM on October 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
i am a little confused by this post. i am deeply in favor of the friend stepping in with some cash, or even taking responsibility for whatever was in the car. i am curious as to why the car got searched, that seems pretty unusual for a routine traffic stop, but i could be way off.
but okay, yeah, you are totally being stepped on here. it is fucked up that your husband reacted the way that he did to your feelings about this crappy situation. it's a tricky thing, being the victim. you seem to already be aware that you have a hard time standing up for yourself. consider that your relationship is set up with that dynamic in place. when you say you tend to feel abused when it isn't warranted, are you sure that you are not just putting yourself in abusive situations by default? one great resource is the center for nonviolent communication. there are bound to be classes in your area. perhaps if you begin to recognize the signature of abusive and violent communication, you will be able to really ascertain where you stand in your own life, and a possible result of this would be DingTMFA and starting over.
posted by lakersfan1222 at 7:04 PM on October 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
but okay, yeah, you are totally being stepped on here. it is fucked up that your husband reacted the way that he did to your feelings about this crappy situation. it's a tricky thing, being the victim. you seem to already be aware that you have a hard time standing up for yourself. consider that your relationship is set up with that dynamic in place. when you say you tend to feel abused when it isn't warranted, are you sure that you are not just putting yourself in abusive situations by default? one great resource is the center for nonviolent communication. there are bound to be classes in your area. perhaps if you begin to recognize the signature of abusive and violent communication, you will be able to really ascertain where you stand in your own life, and a possible result of this would be DingTMFA and starting over.
posted by lakersfan1222 at 7:04 PM on October 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
on preview, nice one erikab:
I assume this isn't a single bad incident in an otherwise flawless marriage. Two things about this stand out to me:
1. He's trivializing the experience, the consequences, and your feelings. That's a bad sign, trivializing. (It's part of why I suspect you're having bigger marital problems than just this incident.)
2. His line about "I loaned the car to a friend and HE left that paraphernalia in the trunk"? Is he for real?
I might not leave over his dickish behavior w/r/t paying the fine. But I would consider leaving him over lying about his own drug habit. (Not to mention, the drug habit itself.) I mean, honestly.
posted by lakersfan1222 at 8:27 PM on October 19, 2010
I assume this isn't a single bad incident in an otherwise flawless marriage. Two things about this stand out to me:
1. He's trivializing the experience, the consequences, and your feelings. That's a bad sign, trivializing. (It's part of why I suspect you're having bigger marital problems than just this incident.)
2. His line about "I loaned the car to a friend and HE left that paraphernalia in the trunk"? Is he for real?
I might not leave over his dickish behavior w/r/t paying the fine. But I would consider leaving him over lying about his own drug habit. (Not to mention, the drug habit itself.) I mean, honestly.
posted by lakersfan1222 at 8:27 PM on October 19, 2010
You have a right to be upset. In some places, just having paraphernalia can get you arrested.
You said you just happened to be stopped and searched. Unless the paraphernalia was in plain view, (and assuming you are in the US) you do know that you can refuse a search, right? Here's some more info on that. I know that won't help you now but it might in the future.
Being low on money isn't an excuse for not having to pay for his friend's (or his own) dumb move. He should pay.
posted by IndigoRain at 8:32 PM on October 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
You said you just happened to be stopped and searched. Unless the paraphernalia was in plain view, (and assuming you are in the US) you do know that you can refuse a search, right? Here's some more info on that. I know that won't help you now but it might in the future.
Being low on money isn't an excuse for not having to pay for his friend's (or his own) dumb move. He should pay.
posted by IndigoRain at 8:32 PM on October 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
I am also an over-reactor but this seems way out of line to me. His friend (or he) put you in jeopardy by leaving that "stuff" in the car and letting you take the fall for it. I agree with the above people who believe it was really your husband's stuff and not his friend's.
I can't even imagine how angry I'd be at being pulled over, searched, and fined for paraphernalia. If I did something that caused my spouse to be humiliated in that fashion I would be doing whatever I could to make it right.
posted by getawaysticks at 5:20 AM on October 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
I can't even imagine how angry I'd be at being pulled over, searched, and fined for paraphernalia. If I did something that caused my spouse to be humiliated in that fashion I would be doing whatever I could to make it right.
posted by getawaysticks at 5:20 AM on October 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
One thing to consider, is that it is not your husbands fault that you were pulled over, and assuming the paraphernalia was not in plain sight (you probably would have noticed it and not adamantly protested that you had nothing illicit in the vehicle) it is not his fault that the vehicle was searched. It his fault directly or indirectly that there was something in the car that should not have been there, but it is your fault that they were found (you should not have been operating the vehicle in a manner that would justify not only a stop but a search), and you should (I am assuming you are American, please disregard most of this message if you aren't) be aware of the 4th Amendment.
That being said your husband could definitely have dealt with this situation better, and if you can talk about this without going into the conversation with a preset outcome in mind, then you can probably work through this.
Good luck.
posted by BobbyDigital at 7:51 AM on October 20, 2010
That being said your husband could definitely have dealt with this situation better, and if you can talk about this without going into the conversation with a preset outcome in mind, then you can probably work through this.
Good luck.
posted by BobbyDigital at 7:51 AM on October 20, 2010
Your husband: showed poor judgment or was generous to a friend
The more positively you perceive your husband, the better for both of you.
You(individually) don't have a problem. He doesn't have a problem. You both have a problem with a ticket. The friend who left paraphernalia in the car should pay the costs. When you loan a piece of equipment, you should tell the recipient "It has 5,000 deductible, which you are responsible for. Bring it back clean and full of gas. Be careful; we rely on our car."
Say "Husband, we need to be in this marriage together. Please help me resolve this problem we have together." That's what marriage is for.
posted by theora55 at 11:11 AM on October 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
The more positively you perceive your husband, the better for both of you.
You(individually) don't have a problem. He doesn't have a problem. You both have a problem with a ticket. The friend who left paraphernalia in the car should pay the costs. When you loan a piece of equipment, you should tell the recipient "It has 5,000 deductible, which you are responsible for. Bring it back clean and full of gas. Be careful; we rely on our car."
Say "Husband, we need to be in this marriage together. Please help me resolve this problem we have together." That's what marriage is for.
posted by theora55 at 11:11 AM on October 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
I would be super angry. Fully and completely a dick move, and I would expect better from a spouse. I'd expect better from a *friend*, let alone a spouse.
But if it's just about this, I don't know if you get to DTMFA - on this incident alone, you're angry and you hash it out, and make him do what he said he would do. But I don't think I'd be thinking divorce just from this. So there has to be a pattern or deeper sense of dissatisfaction here, with him or your marriage or how you feel about yourself in the marriage.
In my experience/opinion, once you start looking at incidents or behaviors and wondering if it's grounds for DTMFA, then you are on that road and you'll get there eventually without some really serious intervention.
So accepting that you're thinking about it, take whatever steps you need to take to make sure that you do all that you want to to not split up, and that you are taken care of if you do split up.
posted by mrs. taters at 12:54 PM on October 20, 2010
But if it's just about this, I don't know if you get to DTMFA - on this incident alone, you're angry and you hash it out, and make him do what he said he would do. But I don't think I'd be thinking divorce just from this. So there has to be a pattern or deeper sense of dissatisfaction here, with him or your marriage or how you feel about yourself in the marriage.
In my experience/opinion, once you start looking at incidents or behaviors and wondering if it's grounds for DTMFA, then you are on that road and you'll get there eventually without some really serious intervention.
So accepting that you're thinking about it, take whatever steps you need to take to make sure that you do all that you want to to not split up, and that you are taken care of if you do split up.
posted by mrs. taters at 12:54 PM on October 20, 2010
I agree with jbenben. To me, it seems like you're just living as roommates if you keep completely separate accounts and don't share finances at all. Both of you should be supporting the family as a whole.
You husband is acting very selfish. It sounds like he's not supporting the family as a whole. He is irresponsible in his actions. I don't think you'd be over reacting if you dumped him. Do you really want to be married to someone who is that irresponsible? That he would lend the family car to a friend who smokes pot, is bad enough in itself, but now he wants you to pay for his friend's mistakes? No way!
posted by parakeetdog at 1:08 PM on October 20, 2010
You husband is acting very selfish. It sounds like he's not supporting the family as a whole. He is irresponsible in his actions. I don't think you'd be over reacting if you dumped him. Do you really want to be married to someone who is that irresponsible? That he would lend the family car to a friend who smokes pot, is bad enough in itself, but now he wants you to pay for his friend's mistakes? No way!
posted by parakeetdog at 1:08 PM on October 20, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
Your husband has badly, badly let you down, choses to remain friends with someone who made a choice that had a bad outcome for you, and is minimising your legitimate emotions so he doesn't have to take responsibility for something uncomfortable. I don't really care what you call that as long as you file it under "totally not acceptable."
I don't know if it's grounds for DTMA. It depends how independently you want to live in your relationship. Some people are actually fine in a relationship where they know they can't really rely on their partner in particular ways, as long as they know what the parameters are.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:54 PM on October 19, 2010 [4 favorites]