How to become proactive?
October 4, 2010 6:48 PM Subscribe
therapy vs.... what??
I have trouble getting things done (yes I've read the book, didn't help). Talk therapy doesn't seem to help with this, I don't find talking about my childhood very useful, nor do I find venting about my problems particularly helpful either, other than letting off steam.
I've tried CBT, but when I read about the doing everything like my hair was on fire I started laughing, I get what they meant, but the therapist wasn't laughing when I said, "Oh,like what? Run around screaming in panic? Put it out! Put it out!". (Actually no one seems to find that funny. But they don't know my family. I digress.) Plus I could never get the homework done. I did try, there were some exercises that I could take seriously...
The only way I seem to get anything done is if someone else is physically present, I don't know what it is about it, the act of sounding off ideas to see if they make sense, or that they keep me from wandering off track (which I'm prone to do), or they give me enough encouragement. I do a lot better when people are calm and not screaming (funny, huh).
Or the other option is to have someone constantly terrorize me into doing things, but that would be stressful. And I've found I build a tolerance to it...
Obviously this isn't really feasible or practical unless I'm rich and can afford a personal assistant, I am currently at a loss how people proactively get things done without some sort of impending crisis to get going.
The crisis thing is getting old. I'm in one now. I need to function like a normal human being.
Is this a therapy thing? Do you take classes? What does someone do for this?
I have trouble getting things done (yes I've read the book, didn't help). Talk therapy doesn't seem to help with this, I don't find talking about my childhood very useful, nor do I find venting about my problems particularly helpful either, other than letting off steam.
I've tried CBT, but when I read about the doing everything like my hair was on fire I started laughing, I get what they meant, but the therapist wasn't laughing when I said, "Oh,like what? Run around screaming in panic? Put it out! Put it out!". (Actually no one seems to find that funny. But they don't know my family. I digress.) Plus I could never get the homework done. I did try, there were some exercises that I could take seriously...
The only way I seem to get anything done is if someone else is physically present, I don't know what it is about it, the act of sounding off ideas to see if they make sense, or that they keep me from wandering off track (which I'm prone to do), or they give me enough encouragement. I do a lot better when people are calm and not screaming (funny, huh).
Or the other option is to have someone constantly terrorize me into doing things, but that would be stressful. And I've found I build a tolerance to it...
Obviously this isn't really feasible or practical unless I'm rich and can afford a personal assistant, I am currently at a loss how people proactively get things done without some sort of impending crisis to get going.
The crisis thing is getting old. I'm in one now. I need to function like a normal human being.
Is this a therapy thing? Do you take classes? What does someone do for this?
What have your therapists told you? Have they ever suggested you might have issues with concentration and distractibility? Because that is coming across loud and clear in your question.
I get that you are not into therapy b/c of all the talking and processes and whatnot, so here is a results oriented suggestion. Ask a therapist or MD if you can be tested for ADHD.
Approximately 10 years ago the Brown Scales were used to assist in diagnosis. I have no idea if this test is still used or if it is the right one for you so I would use it as starting point in a conversation, e.g., "I am interested in a test administered by a professional not some multiple choice test from a pop-sci website and I have read that the Brown Scales were once used, would that test be appropriate for me or is there a similiar one I could take?"
posted by mlis at 7:27 PM on October 4, 2010
I get that you are not into therapy b/c of all the talking and processes and whatnot, so here is a results oriented suggestion. Ask a therapist or MD if you can be tested for ADHD.
Approximately 10 years ago the Brown Scales were used to assist in diagnosis. I have no idea if this test is still used or if it is the right one for you so I would use it as starting point in a conversation, e.g., "I am interested in a test administered by a professional not some multiple choice test from a pop-sci website and I have read that the Brown Scales were once used, would that test be appropriate for me or is there a similiar one I could take?"
posted by mlis at 7:27 PM on October 4, 2010
You said: I don't find talking about my childhood very useful.
And then you said: Actually no one seems to find that funny. But they don't know my family. I digress.
They don't know your family because you aren't talking about them. You aren't talking about them because they are precisely the kind of family that would cause you to say "they don't know my family." Which is exactly why you should be talking about them.
CBT is fast and focused and for people who equally focused. You are not focused. You said, "Plus I could never get the homework done. I did try, there were some exercises that I could take seriously." You are supposed to take all of them seriously, because they are all about getting you where you want to be.
Yes, this is a therapy thing. The talking isn't what helps you. The patient talking is basically a fictional story told by an unreliable narrator. You're supposed to do enough talking to allow the doctor to spot the cracks in your story and nudge you so you can see them yourself, so you start to critique your own story.
posted by Pastabagel at 7:31 PM on October 4, 2010 [8 favorites]
And then you said: Actually no one seems to find that funny. But they don't know my family. I digress.
They don't know your family because you aren't talking about them. You aren't talking about them because they are precisely the kind of family that would cause you to say "they don't know my family." Which is exactly why you should be talking about them.
CBT is fast and focused and for people who equally focused. You are not focused. You said, "Plus I could never get the homework done. I did try, there were some exercises that I could take seriously." You are supposed to take all of them seriously, because they are all about getting you where you want to be.
Yes, this is a therapy thing. The talking isn't what helps you. The patient talking is basically a fictional story told by an unreliable narrator. You're supposed to do enough talking to allow the doctor to spot the cracks in your story and nudge you so you can see them yourself, so you start to critique your own story.
posted by Pastabagel at 7:31 PM on October 4, 2010 [8 favorites]
I have had success lately by finding "working buddies", i.e. arranging with a friend to meet at a specific place and time to do a task. For me this means meeting at a cafe for a set two-hour period to write. For you it might mean meeting in the library to study, or meeting at your house to clean (followed by meeting at their house to clean!) or if you share your office with someone at work, arranging to have a "power hour" where both of you select a task to focus on intensively, and discuss progress at the end of the hour.
The combination of a manageable time-period, company in my misery, and the sense of obligation to another person has meant I get a lot done in these periods. Now I am struggling with how to get stuff done outside of these timeslots, but you know? Even if I never solve that problem, I'm still 100 times more productive than I was before I discovered the buddy system.
posted by lollusc at 8:21 PM on October 4, 2010
The combination of a manageable time-period, company in my misery, and the sense of obligation to another person has meant I get a lot done in these periods. Now I am struggling with how to get stuff done outside of these timeslots, but you know? Even if I never solve that problem, I'm still 100 times more productive than I was before I discovered the buddy system.
posted by lollusc at 8:21 PM on October 4, 2010
Response by poster: The journal thing is a good idea. What do you do to protect it from being read? I wish I knew how to write in code or ciphers or something, but then the government might come after me (ha ha). They'd be pretty disappointed.
I was tested several years ago to see if I was ADD, turned out I was fine apparently. I have tried Ritalin and Adderall (prescribed), both just made me anxious and jittery, and didn't help me focus, the person said given the test results that wasn't surprising. However I agree that I seem ADD.
I tried to explain my family to the CBT therapist in order to explain my joke, he wasn't digging it. I decided to not continue to see him as we weren't getting along too well. We didn't seem to "get" each other and I wasn't doing the homework, so it seemed a waste.
I like the working buddy idea, unfortunately I don't have any "buddies" that I can do that sort of thing with. Call it Failed Social Skills I guess. Either that or extreme social anxiety coupled with being too intense for people to handle (I have fears of borderline personality disorder or something uncurable). The worst is being ignored, or walking up to someone and see that intake of breath like they're bracing themselves.
I'm currently looking for a therapist, I'm broke and unemployed, but I still have credit cards. Whatever gets me back on my feet. Anything sliding scale or reasonable has a four month wait it seems. That's just the way of the recession I suppose.
posted by mbird at 9:20 PM on October 4, 2010
I was tested several years ago to see if I was ADD, turned out I was fine apparently. I have tried Ritalin and Adderall (prescribed), both just made me anxious and jittery, and didn't help me focus, the person said given the test results that wasn't surprising. However I agree that I seem ADD.
I tried to explain my family to the CBT therapist in order to explain my joke, he wasn't digging it. I decided to not continue to see him as we weren't getting along too well. We didn't seem to "get" each other and I wasn't doing the homework, so it seemed a waste.
I like the working buddy idea, unfortunately I don't have any "buddies" that I can do that sort of thing with. Call it Failed Social Skills I guess. Either that or extreme social anxiety coupled with being too intense for people to handle (I have fears of borderline personality disorder or something uncurable). The worst is being ignored, or walking up to someone and see that intake of breath like they're bracing themselves.
I'm currently looking for a therapist, I'm broke and unemployed, but I still have credit cards. Whatever gets me back on my feet. Anything sliding scale or reasonable has a four month wait it seems. That's just the way of the recession I suppose.
posted by mbird at 9:20 PM on October 4, 2010
> I've tried CBT, but when I read about the doing everything like my hair was on fire
Could I possibly get an explanation of this? It's hard to google, plus I'm getting links to BDSM sites when I do.
posted by AmbroseChapel at 9:56 PM on October 4, 2010
Could I possibly get an explanation of this? It's hard to google, plus I'm getting links to BDSM sites when I do.
posted by AmbroseChapel at 9:56 PM on October 4, 2010
Working "buddies" don't have to be real buddies. A group of people at my university recently started meeting up for work dates after arranging it via an email list serv. None of us knew each other beforehand. It didn't work quite as well as when I've done it with friends, because no one felt quite so much obligation to near-strangers, so people were a bit flaky about showing up. But it was better than nothing.
You could maybe find people to work with via the internet (craigslist?) or by putting up a flyer at the library or something. Believe me, lots of people have the same issues you do!
posted by lollusc at 1:08 AM on October 5, 2010
You could maybe find people to work with via the internet (craigslist?) or by putting up a flyer at the library or something. Believe me, lots of people have the same issues you do!
posted by lollusc at 1:08 AM on October 5, 2010
Response by poster: Hmm. I'm not so sure about the strangers thing, partly a social anxiety thing. I would probably end up with a lot of weirdos, particularly as I'm in my upper 30s, younger people have a different attitude about these things. Their social circles are more fluid and open. Older people tend to have their set social circles and routines and the odd ones out are the ones that will show. Usually the odd ones out are, well, "odd", if meetup is any indication... you know, misfits like me. I really need more normal people in my life, I crave stability.
posted by mbird at 6:20 AM on October 5, 2010
posted by mbird at 6:20 AM on October 5, 2010
Have you considered that you may have separation anxiety? (Being very present in the thread is a sign of that, too.)
posted by Obscure Reference at 8:45 AM on October 5, 2010
posted by Obscure Reference at 8:45 AM on October 5, 2010
I am not unfamiliar with the symptoms you describe, however you seem to be a more extreme case. I also agree with the notion that your family, or rather how you were brought up, plays a role (doesn't it always).
I have found 'normal' therapy not too helpful for the procrastination stuff either, however what seemed to help me quite a bit was group therapy. This may also be a good choice for you, for two reasons: Firstly I agree that something like the separation anxiety mentioned by Obscure Reference or something similar may play a role, and secondly because group therapy will help with your social skills/anxiety issues.
And in case you do, too: When I was suggested group therapy, I thought something along the lines of "yeah right, like adding more crazy people to the equation is going to help". However once the first few sessions were over, I really started to like it, and learned a lot of stuff about myself and people in general.
Like that the 'normal' people you need in your life don't really exist, what you crave is stability in your own mind. You'll have to get to know your own mind more and find out what's actually going on in there to stabilize yourself.
posted by Lynx at 10:35 AM on October 5, 2010
I have found 'normal' therapy not too helpful for the procrastination stuff either, however what seemed to help me quite a bit was group therapy. This may also be a good choice for you, for two reasons: Firstly I agree that something like the separation anxiety mentioned by Obscure Reference or something similar may play a role, and secondly because group therapy will help with your social skills/anxiety issues.
And in case you do, too: When I was suggested group therapy, I thought something along the lines of "yeah right, like adding more crazy people to the equation is going to help". However once the first few sessions were over, I really started to like it, and learned a lot of stuff about myself and people in general.
Like that the 'normal' people you need in your life don't really exist, what you crave is stability in your own mind. You'll have to get to know your own mind more and find out what's actually going on in there to stabilize yourself.
posted by Lynx at 10:35 AM on October 5, 2010
Response by poster: I hadn't considered separation anxiety, considering how much time I spend avoiding people, because I find being around people stressful, that probably would have been the last thing to occur to me, but I can certainly look into it.
I've been in group, I found it very helpful in validating how I felt, particularly as it provided a safe environment from judgment, but it didn't help with the procrastination. Out of everything I tried I found it the most helpful of all, but still not enough. I think it would work better in combination with something else. I'm actually learning a bit about DBT. From what I read people who don't like CBT seem to like it better, but I don't have problems with drugs/alcohol/cutting etc. Plus it has a skills learning group thing. I wonder if there's something like that for procrastination. I kinda need a combination of "talk" and action I guess...
posted by mbird at 10:55 AM on October 5, 2010
I've been in group, I found it very helpful in validating how I felt, particularly as it provided a safe environment from judgment, but it didn't help with the procrastination. Out of everything I tried I found it the most helpful of all, but still not enough. I think it would work better in combination with something else. I'm actually learning a bit about DBT. From what I read people who don't like CBT seem to like it better, but I don't have problems with drugs/alcohol/cutting etc. Plus it has a skills learning group thing. I wonder if there's something like that for procrastination. I kinda need a combination of "talk" and action I guess...
posted by mbird at 10:55 AM on October 5, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
I've discovered that I can get all these benefits by writing in a journal. I can sound off my ideas, help myself stay on track, encourage myself, and more. It's like self-therapy.
I write on my computer, on paper; on anything.
posted by Theloupgarou at 6:57 PM on October 4, 2010