Getting past a stupid first
September 14, 2010 4:44 PM   Subscribe

After questioning and coming to terms with my sexuality and yet a lower sex drive due to somewhat not sure causes (though I'm getting tests done out of curiosity), I was invited over for some fun.

A couple of gay friends of mine (he and his bf) asked me about trying it out with them as a first time. When I got to their house, I was nervous. Plus besides that there was the thought of getting home earlier to avoid detection and also other worries as to my religion, family views.

They tried some bjs, hand jobs, and porn and even though I could get hard, I was really nervous and so I didn't finish even once even on my own. They got tired and gave up.

How do I get past this in my quest of personal discovery and not let this slow me down and make me requestion myself?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (12 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
I don't know of anyone who had a mind blowing first time. Quit questioning everything. Just go with it. If something you did during your "fun" made you feel good - do it again. If something didn't make you feel good put it on the back burner.

Also - a threesome for a first time? Not exactly conducive to gentle exploration. Find yourself a single and go for it.

And, FWIW, if this anonymous comes from who I think it does - huzzah! congrats and good luck!
posted by FlamingBore at 4:49 PM on September 14, 2010 [13 favorites]

Something that people often don't tell you is that sex isn't instantly super-fun. For many people the first few times they are physical with someone there's a lot to think about and it can be kind of overwhelming. Lots and lots of people don't orgasm their first time. That's okay.
posted by kate blank at 5:03 PM on September 14, 2010 [1 favorite]

Echoing FlamingBore and Kate, my first time was a complete snore. But I thought, well, I'm a fag; this is what I've signed up for. Then, a few months later, a guy swept me off my feet and I never looked back.

As to "lower sex drive," my own experience is that if I don't already have feelings for a guy, I'm not interested in sex. YMMV, but I think that's a good thing.
posted by Short Attention Sp at 5:09 PM on September 14, 2010

Honestly...? I'd say to approach it from the opposite angle. Rather than thinking about and worrying about sex and sexual experiences, you should try focusing on people and romantic experiences. It's soooo different when you're with someone you love (or at least are really into, in that "new love, puppy love, first love" kind of thing).

My first time wasn't great, but it didn't matter since it wasn't an all or nothing deal. We were dating. The first time we had sex it was weird and new. The second time we were still figuring stuff out. By the time we'd been together a few months, it felt natural and wonderful. And, it felt even better because we were experiencing these things together.

I was in love with the first woman I slept with. That really made a world of difference. So, if I were you, I'd focus on finding a guy you really connect with. Build a happy relationship and the sexual part will happen naturally and (hopefully) wonderfully.

Best of luck to you!
posted by 2oh1 at 5:24 PM on September 14, 2010 [1 favorite]

All signs point to this being about nervousness and awkwardness on this occasion, not any innate problem with you as a sexual being.

A threesome with a couple as your first time sounds ridiculously overwhelming.

And hey, maybe you just weren't that attracted to them. Or maybe they didn't have a great attitude. Reading between the lines, it sounds like they grabbed the opportunity to -- I don't know how else to put this -- use you for purposes of "let's have a threesome" or "let's spice up our sex life," but then they were disappointed that it turned out not to meet their fantasy expectations, so they quit.

Next time, maybe think more about finding just one other person, someone who's more in sync with what you need. I'm a straight man so I'm not going to claim my views should apply to you (I wouldn't even claim that if we had the same sexual orientation), but I can tell you that I've always thought it was nonsense that men aren't emotionally attached to sex, and that their first time in particular should be something meaningless to "get it over with." If I try to imagine my first time being with two experienced women who viewed me as an interesting experiment, instead of one woman I'm in a relationship with, I can't imagine I would have performed well.

This was one sexual experience. It is not any of the other experiences you will have in your life. It does not represent "your sexuality." You don't even need to think of it as "your first time." It didn't work out. Bleh! Don't focus on it. Move on.

Everyone who's sexually active has some times now and then that just don't work. The odds of this are surely higher-than-average when it's your first time. Everything about what you've described (except the decision to have a threesome as your first time) sounds normal. Don't worry.
posted by John Cohen at 6:00 PM on September 14, 2010 [1 favorite]

One more thing: good for you -- for getting out there, having experiences, and being yourself. That's true even though you were disappointed. There's every reason to expect that in the future, you will do a better and better job at being yourself. It doesn't need to all happen immediately and perfectly.
posted by John Cohen at 6:05 PM on September 14, 2010 [1 favorite]

I want to second Short Attention Sp - I'm a gay guy for whom casual sex is just not really worth it; perhaps you are too? It's hard to say.

Also yeah, wow, threesome as my first time would not have been for me.

Just, you know, keep being you. You'll meet someone eventually, and for me anyways, the sex just gets better the longer I've been with someone.
posted by kavasa at 6:56 PM on September 14, 2010


It was so overwhelming and I didn't really feel comfortable enough to relax and orgasm. I'm pretty much like this the first time with every new partner. No big deal, practicing is quite fun, too.
posted by the young rope-rider at 8:04 PM on September 14, 2010

Definitely sensible advice above, but I'd also pursue the medical/physical angle as well. Mainstream society often focuses on the emotional aspects of sex, which obviously play a role, but there are many, many conditions that can affect sex drive/performance that have little/nothing to do with feelings or relationship matters per se. Side effects from seemingly unrelated medications, undiagnosed conditions, general health issues involving diet, exercise, and overall health, etc., can impact performance/interest. Especially if you're younger, when wild hormones might partially compensate and society assumes you should be doin' it all night long, it's worth checking what's going on under the hood along with happening in your heart and head.
posted by 5Q7 at 8:26 PM on September 14, 2010

I like to say that I lost my virginity 3 times. The first time was lousy, the second time was nice but had no real zest to it. My third time was with a long-term girlfriend and was really wonderful.

Here's the thing: I'm straight, know that I'm straight, and don't have to worry about religious or family issues. Nonetheless, this sort of situation happened to me pretty much whenever I fooled around with someone new.

Sexuality with someone else is different than on your own and it takes a while to get comfortable.

If you have this problem consistently (i.e. for a few months, say) then pursuing the physical aspect might make sense but, seriously, this was your first timetotally normal for a first time.

Find someone you like, have fun with them, take it slow, don't worry about performance. If you're with someone who gets tired and gives up, you're not with the right person. Find someone kind and patient who is willing to spend a while with you.

I'm straight and never had to deal with this, but: At some point, you may grow tired of having to play the pronoun game (assuming you start a relationship), or hiding yourself from your family. There is genuinely no shame whatsoever in who you are and who you are sexually attracted to. It's a shame that their incorrect attitudes are standing in the way of a peaceful healthy situation.

Also, yeah, if this is who we all hope it is I'm happy for you although I do wish your first partner(s) had been a bit more tender towards you.
posted by Deathalicious at 9:27 PM on September 14, 2010

Threesomes are pretty much always weird. My first time with my husband, we were in a threesome and that was a strange intro into a relationship. But dammit, I kept trying group sex over and over until I finally decided it was really not working for me.

I often say that my first time with my husband was the worst sex I've ever had. There were extenuating circumstances, but, yeah, wretched sex. It doesn't mean anything. Twelve years later, we're very happy.

Hang in there. It'll come. So to speak.
posted by threeturtles at 10:21 PM on September 14, 2010

Orgasms often don't happen the first time with a new partner (or with new partners.) Wouldn't worry about that. It takes practice, is all.
posted by Ouisch at 12:21 PM on September 15, 2010

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