Can someone grow on you?
July 7, 2010 10:15 PM Subscribe
Will he grow on me? Should I take the chance?
Recently, a friend of a friend has declared their intense like for me and took the plunge by finally planting one on me the other night. After telling him I was neither No or Yes about dating him, I slept with him. On paper, we work. He has all the qualities I'm looking for. However, when I'm around him, I don't want to jump him. This is probably hard to believe since I had sex with him, but that was more out of curiosity than honest to goodness attraction. I keep wondering if this is the time of my life when I realize the high school nerd is the way to go and to stop chasing after guys who don't return my phone calls. (I'm 31 and he's 34 with a kid). Here are my questions:
1) If there's no spark, what are the odds he'll grow on me?
2) If you were him, would you want to be my experiment/trial, or would you prefer I just leave you alone?
Recently, a friend of a friend has declared their intense like for me and took the plunge by finally planting one on me the other night. After telling him I was neither No or Yes about dating him, I slept with him. On paper, we work. He has all the qualities I'm looking for. However, when I'm around him, I don't want to jump him. This is probably hard to believe since I had sex with him, but that was more out of curiosity than honest to goodness attraction. I keep wondering if this is the time of my life when I realize the high school nerd is the way to go and to stop chasing after guys who don't return my phone calls. (I'm 31 and he's 34 with a kid). Here are my questions:
1) If there's no spark, what are the odds he'll grow on me?
2) If you were him, would you want to be my experiment/trial, or would you prefer I just leave you alone?
1) If there's no spark, what are the odds he'll grow on me?
Relationships don't work that way. It's not a million-to-one shot, doc. Nor is it a sure thing. What would you do if you knew the answer to this question?
2) If you were him, would you want to be my experiment/trial, or would you prefer I just leave you alone?
Doesn't matter. Some guys would say the former and others the latter. What matters is what this particular guy wants.
posted by sanko at 10:20 PM on July 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
Relationships don't work that way. It's not a million-to-one shot, doc. Nor is it a sure thing. What would you do if you knew the answer to this question?
2) If you were him, would you want to be my experiment/trial, or would you prefer I just leave you alone?
Doesn't matter. Some guys would say the former and others the latter. What matters is what this particular guy wants.
posted by sanko at 10:20 PM on July 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
I keep wondering if this is the time of my life when I realize the high school nerd is the way to go and to stop chasing after guys who don't return my phone calls...
..there's no spark..
Seriously? If you're really his friend you already know the answer.
posted by snuffleupagus at 10:29 PM on July 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
..there's no spark..
Seriously? If you're really his friend you already know the answer.
posted by snuffleupagus at 10:29 PM on July 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
1) Sparks? You don't always get sparks. Sometimes you have to really get to know someone before you fall for them. He's in intense like. You're currently curious, at the very least. Give it a whirl.
2) If I were him, I'd be glad someone I liked was having sex with me/spending time with me. But who knows what he wants. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
posted by inturnaround at 10:29 PM on July 7, 2010
2) If I were him, I'd be glad someone I liked was having sex with me/spending time with me. But who knows what he wants. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
posted by inturnaround at 10:29 PM on July 7, 2010
On paper, we work.
Usually when this phrase enters my mind it's the kiss of death, because it really means "On paper, we work--but in the flesh, something is off."
That said, it absolutely could still work. Maybe the things that would make you intensely like him back are there, but he's been so nervous about pursuing you (and about working to get you to like him) that you haven't gotten a chance to see them yet?
It's not like you're making a lifetime commitment, though. This is what dating is about! Have fun while things are still so casual. (I'm assuming he's not trying to get you to hang with his kid yet--if he is, that's a different level and a different issue.)
posted by sallybrown at 10:30 PM on July 7, 2010
Usually when this phrase enters my mind it's the kiss of death, because it really means "On paper, we work--but in the flesh, something is off."
That said, it absolutely could still work. Maybe the things that would make you intensely like him back are there, but he's been so nervous about pursuing you (and about working to get you to like him) that you haven't gotten a chance to see them yet?
It's not like you're making a lifetime commitment, though. This is what dating is about! Have fun while things are still so casual. (I'm assuming he's not trying to get you to hang with his kid yet--if he is, that's a different level and a different issue.)
posted by sallybrown at 10:30 PM on July 7, 2010
nerds don't need your pity, but they can make wonderful boyfriends (and husbands!). go on a date, hang out, hold hands. if you're not feeling it after a month, let him down gently but firmly.
also: don't spend time with his kid as his date/girlfriend/whatever until you know you like him and you'll be around for a while.
posted by nadawi at 10:30 PM on July 7, 2010 [12 favorites]
also: don't spend time with his kid as his date/girlfriend/whatever until you know you like him and you'll be around for a while.
posted by nadawi at 10:30 PM on July 7, 2010 [12 favorites]
oh, and i was friends with my husband for 10 years before we got together. neither of us considered bone jumping until it actually happened. just because there aren't immediate sparks, doesn't mean you won't get there. fwiw, now i count the minutes until he's home so i can pounce him.
posted by nadawi at 10:32 PM on July 7, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by nadawi at 10:32 PM on July 7, 2010 [4 favorites]
Deciding to enter a relationship based solely on the presence of "The Spark" is like basing your financial life on having found a five-dollar bill in the parking lot and expecting more to appear again in the future. Love ain't free; it's not some kind of cold-fusion energy release that occurs when you simply put the right pieces together. You both have to work for it. You need to ask, is this the sort of person I could build a life with? Would they be a good spouse/parent/provider/nurturer/companion?
Give it a shot. It may be a little difficult if the "love balance" is out of whack and he's REALLY into you, but if he's got what you're looking for and you're not opposed to intimacy with the guy, I say give it a chance.
posted by holterbarbour at 11:26 PM on July 7, 2010 [28 favorites]
Give it a shot. It may be a little difficult if the "love balance" is out of whack and he's REALLY into you, but if he's got what you're looking for and you're not opposed to intimacy with the guy, I say give it a chance.
posted by holterbarbour at 11:26 PM on July 7, 2010 [28 favorites]
Can you update this question later and let us know if he grew on you and why or why not?
As far as your question, I'm a firm believer that at the beginning of a relationship things should be very easy.
I find this especially true if the parties are like you describe (he's really into you, you're not so into him) That gives you a good base to work on things when something tough actually comes along.
SO, it sounds like it's been mostly an easy start except for the lack of fireworks on your side.
There must be SOME sparks though if you slept with him. I know you say you did it out of curiosity but I can't think you were curious to see if he had two penises or something.
Was the sex good? If not, do you think it will be good or get better?
(Put me in the "give it a shot" camp)
posted by zephyr_words at 11:28 PM on July 7, 2010
As far as your question, I'm a firm believer that at the beginning of a relationship things should be very easy.
I find this especially true if the parties are like you describe (he's really into you, you're not so into him) That gives you a good base to work on things when something tough actually comes along.
SO, it sounds like it's been mostly an easy start except for the lack of fireworks on your side.
There must be SOME sparks though if you slept with him. I know you say you did it out of curiosity but I can't think you were curious to see if he had two penises or something.
Was the sex good? If not, do you think it will be good or get better?
(Put me in the "give it a shot" camp)
posted by zephyr_words at 11:28 PM on July 7, 2010
I am all for giving it the ol' college try. I had a couple of nice, satisfying relationships start as getting frisky with a friend of a friend. They're not total strangers and you both trust the mutual friend's judgment. You have plenty of time for sparks to show up. Who knows, something might just click down the line. If it doesn't, well, that's okay too. You don't owe him anything just because he likes you. You can quit anytime if you feel he's not growing on you.
posted by troika at 11:37 PM on July 7, 2010
posted by troika at 11:37 PM on July 7, 2010
We need more information. Do you very much enjoy being with him? Do you miss him when you don't talk for awhile? Do you have similar goals? When something goes wrong, do you want to turn to him? Does he make you laugh, cheer you up, brighten your day? Would you prefer to hang out with him or with your close friends? What does "on paper, we work" mean -- what works about you two? Furthermore, what doesn't work? Is it just pure physical chemistry that's lacking?
Also, what's your personal history like? Do you tend to go for a certain type of guy, and if so does that seem like a good match for you? (E.g., are you a high-strung person who likes hanging out with laid-back people?) Do you have a history of being attracted to the Wrong Types (and hence a reason to actively avoid that spark)? Do you have a history of interfering with or avoiding intimacy? Do you have a history of not getting involved, being afraid of getting hurt in relationships, or a fear of admitting that you really like someone? Also, if you try this and it's not good, will you disentangle easily, or will you stay involved and let things drag on?
Assuming that you absolutely love hanging out with him and it's just the physical chemistry, that will likely develop as you develop a deep affection. But many other things won't change, so if that lack of spark is actually any significant difference, anything related to the interpersonal dynamic that makes you happy in a relationship even if you can't put it into words, I'd say don't bother. Of course, if you were saying "is it ok to have a fling when this might be going nowhere," I'd say, "yeah, sure!" But it sounds like you're asking "could this turn into something serious?"
tl;dr We need more info. In general I believe physical chemistry can develop. But interpersonal spark (a real joy in being together) likely won't develop since personality traits don't change significantly, so if it could be something like that, I'd go with your gut and move on, particularly if you might end up letting things drag on too long in lukewarm limbo-land.
posted by salvia at 12:32 AM on July 8, 2010 [4 favorites]
Also, what's your personal history like? Do you tend to go for a certain type of guy, and if so does that seem like a good match for you? (E.g., are you a high-strung person who likes hanging out with laid-back people?) Do you have a history of being attracted to the Wrong Types (and hence a reason to actively avoid that spark)? Do you have a history of interfering with or avoiding intimacy? Do you have a history of not getting involved, being afraid of getting hurt in relationships, or a fear of admitting that you really like someone? Also, if you try this and it's not good, will you disentangle easily, or will you stay involved and let things drag on?
Assuming that you absolutely love hanging out with him and it's just the physical chemistry, that will likely develop as you develop a deep affection. But many other things won't change, so if that lack of spark is actually any significant difference, anything related to the interpersonal dynamic that makes you happy in a relationship even if you can't put it into words, I'd say don't bother. Of course, if you were saying "is it ok to have a fling when this might be going nowhere," I'd say, "yeah, sure!" But it sounds like you're asking "could this turn into something serious?"
tl;dr We need more info. In general I believe physical chemistry can develop. But interpersonal spark (a real joy in being together) likely won't develop since personality traits don't change significantly, so if it could be something like that, I'd go with your gut and move on, particularly if you might end up letting things drag on too long in lukewarm limbo-land.
posted by salvia at 12:32 AM on July 8, 2010 [4 favorites]
Sorry if you think this is a terribly personal question, but...how was the sex?
posted by dzaz at 4:47 AM on July 8, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by dzaz at 4:47 AM on July 8, 2010 [4 favorites]
1) If there's no spark, what are the odds he'll grow on me?
Who knows? He's not a race horse, with a certain record, you know? This the grey area of feelings, where logic dare not tread.
2) If you were him, would you want to be my experiment/trial, or would you prefer I just leave you alone?
That all depends on what you are like. Some women, IMO, are worth that risk. Others are not. I strongly suspect the criteria for that risk varies from male to male.
You're asking impossible questions here, in the sense that only you can answer them, not a group of random internet strangers. The larger point is that you sound strongly ambivalent about dating him and it sounds like you need to do a bit of growth on your own (chasing after people who never return your calls). Throw in the fact that he has a kid and I'd recommend staying away from him because you don't seem to know what's good for you (" I keep wondering if this is the time of my life when I realize the high school n"), you just know what you want, which may be different from what you need.
It doesn't matter if he's good for you if you don't realize that and cherish it.
posted by new brand day at 5:37 AM on July 8, 2010
Who knows? He's not a race horse, with a certain record, you know? This the grey area of feelings, where logic dare not tread.
2) If you were him, would you want to be my experiment/trial, or would you prefer I just leave you alone?
That all depends on what you are like. Some women, IMO, are worth that risk. Others are not. I strongly suspect the criteria for that risk varies from male to male.
You're asking impossible questions here, in the sense that only you can answer them, not a group of random internet strangers. The larger point is that you sound strongly ambivalent about dating him and it sounds like you need to do a bit of growth on your own (chasing after people who never return your calls). Throw in the fact that he has a kid and I'd recommend staying away from him because you don't seem to know what's good for you (" I keep wondering if this is the time of my life when I realize the high school n"), you just know what you want, which may be different from what you need.
It doesn't matter if he's good for you if you don't realize that and cherish it.
posted by new brand day at 5:37 AM on July 8, 2010
Give it up. It's either there or it isn't. Forcing it won't work.
posted by fso at 5:51 AM on July 8, 2010
posted by fso at 5:51 AM on July 8, 2010
Does he smell good? No, seriously -- at the end of the day, when he hasn't showered in hours, give him a hug and take a big sniff.
I know that I can overthink myself into and out of "sparks," but I've found the sniff test to be a pretty good indicator of what I guess I think of as chemistry: the pheromones are compatible, or they aren't. The rest of it is comparatively window dressing (assuming that he meets the baseline standards like "treats you well," "is a good person," and "isn't an abuser").
So if he smells ok, I'd say give it some time and see how things play out. A lot of us (maybe pretty close to all) end up with someone who isn't quite what one had imagined originally, and that's ok. You have to make sure you aren't so inflexible that you reject what would make you happy in your search for imaginary perfection... but you also have to maintain standards and make sure you are going to be happy with your choices. It's a tough balance to hit.
posted by Forktine at 5:55 AM on July 8, 2010 [12 favorites]
I know that I can overthink myself into and out of "sparks," but I've found the sniff test to be a pretty good indicator of what I guess I think of as chemistry: the pheromones are compatible, or they aren't. The rest of it is comparatively window dressing (assuming that he meets the baseline standards like "treats you well," "is a good person," and "isn't an abuser").
So if he smells ok, I'd say give it some time and see how things play out. A lot of us (maybe pretty close to all) end up with someone who isn't quite what one had imagined originally, and that's ok. You have to make sure you aren't so inflexible that you reject what would make you happy in your search for imaginary perfection... but you also have to maintain standards and make sure you are going to be happy with your choices. It's a tough balance to hit.
posted by Forktine at 5:55 AM on July 8, 2010 [12 favorites]
Someone can grow on you. In my personal experience, though, someone has to grow on me before even a kiss. Afterwards... there is no delicious tense buildup. But not everyone thrives on the drama.
posted by millipede at 5:59 AM on July 8, 2010
posted by millipede at 5:59 AM on July 8, 2010
There are two very, very common beliefs women hold re: dating:
- It's not okay to decline to date (or to stop dating) someone for totally "shallow" reasons (IT IS! YOU HAVE MY PERMISSION! They usually prove NOT so shallow in the long run).
- It's a good idea to mentally wheedle yourself into liking someone (not every relationship needs to begin with explosions and fireworks... but you're not doing the dude or yourself any favors if you're incessantly having to convince yourself, "Uh, yeah, this is a good idea...").
Sparks alone are not enough to sustain a relationship - hell, LOVE alone isn't. But they are not inconsequential.
posted by julthumbscrew at 6:19 AM on July 8, 2010 [5 favorites]
- It's not okay to decline to date (or to stop dating) someone for totally "shallow" reasons (IT IS! YOU HAVE MY PERMISSION! They usually prove NOT so shallow in the long run).
- It's a good idea to mentally wheedle yourself into liking someone (not every relationship needs to begin with explosions and fireworks... but you're not doing the dude or yourself any favors if you're incessantly having to convince yourself, "Uh, yeah, this is a good idea...").
Sparks alone are not enough to sustain a relationship - hell, LOVE alone isn't. But they are not inconsequential.
posted by julthumbscrew at 6:19 AM on July 8, 2010 [5 favorites]
Deciding to enter a relationship based solely on the presence of "The Spark" is like basing your financial life on having found a five-dollar bill in the parking lot and expecting more to appear again in the future. Love ain't free; it's not some kind of cold-fusion energy release that occurs when you simply put the right pieces together. You both have to work for it. You need to ask, is this the sort of person I could build a life with? Would they be a good spouse/parent/provider/nurturer/companion?
I want to agree with this, but I don't. It would be one thing if she'd just met the guy and wasn't so attracted to him, but they hadn't had sex yet. But early sex without a feeling of chemistry or excitement? That's a kiss of death.
And this is coming from someone who is married to someone she probably wouldn't have given a second glance when she first met him. But by the time we made out for the first time, I was pretty much hooked. You need some passion and chemistry or else the relationship isn't really realistic or sustainable--in order to build a foundation for a family or a life you need to feel more than just okay about being with the person. Because otherwise, someone you do feel passionate might come along and then the other party--even if he's a great nurturer, spouse, parent, or whatever--risks getting left behind.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:22 AM on July 8, 2010
I want to agree with this, but I don't. It would be one thing if she'd just met the guy and wasn't so attracted to him, but they hadn't had sex yet. But early sex without a feeling of chemistry or excitement? That's a kiss of death.
And this is coming from someone who is married to someone she probably wouldn't have given a second glance when she first met him. But by the time we made out for the first time, I was pretty much hooked. You need some passion and chemistry or else the relationship isn't really realistic or sustainable--in order to build a foundation for a family or a life you need to feel more than just okay about being with the person. Because otherwise, someone you do feel passionate might come along and then the other party--even if he's a great nurturer, spouse, parent, or whatever--risks getting left behind.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:22 AM on July 8, 2010
Sparks.
Sparks.
Sparks are such bullshit, really. I sometimes think that it's a bit inflammatory around here to say so, but it's the gods' honest truth.
Sparks are the stuff of movies, pulpy novels with shirtless beefcakes on the cover, and of wedding magazines.
I'm not saying they don't exist, mind, so much as that they are simply inconsequential bullshit. Sure, there are people that say they felt instant sparks. It happens, from time to time -- no lie. But you know what? I have known far more relationships that have utterly dissolved on account of "sparks" than I have known to have began with these sparks.
People get their head in the clouds and buy wholesale into pop culture ideas of romance, and then they refuse to give perfectly reasonable partners an adequate chance because they don't feel some sort of vague, esoteric "spark"....or they leave a long-term, stable relationship because they felt a "spark" with somebody else -- which of course means that they are compulsively required to follow that rabbit down the hole.
Does this sound like I have a chip on my shoulder? Maybe. It's happened to me before, sure...but what colors my feelings on this even more so than my own experience is the ridiculous way I have seen other people behave over "sparks."
And the funny thing is that none of them can ever even adequately describe or quantify this spark thing. Ask somebody sometime. Ask yourself, even. What is this spark? How do you recognize it? Are you sure? What if you're second guessing that it's there? Does that nullify it entirely?
It's vague because it's bullshit. People don't work that way, we don't have magical, electrical "on/off" switches for our attractions, and just because we feel an attraction to somebody doesn't mean that they are the one for us and we are fated to be with them against all odds.
Case in point:
The lady in my life is wonderful. We have been together for two years now, and will be moving in together at the end of the summer. We are basically inseparable. Was there an initial spark? I think we would both describe our relationship as "falling in love in reverse." We were two curious individuals who wanted to get to know each other better, so that's exactly what we did. We had open minds and open hearts. We talked about our differences. We took things slowly. Now, I can't imagine my life without her.
Many people would have thrown away this wonderful relationship, all because of some esoteric spark that they can't even define. Don't be that person. Stay with this fellow -- or cut him loose -- based on his qualities, mutual respect, your compatibility on big issues, what you want from a relationship, where you see that relationship progressing, etc. Don't determine the viability of your relationship over "sparks", unless you are 13.
Something else worth considering, that I don't know if anybody here has touched on yet: The feeling of sparks is oftentimes tied to dysfunction. Our parents fuck us up. This is pretty much true for everybody. In fucking us up, our parents predisposition us to be compatible with their own set of dysfunctions. Frequently the people we feel the largest initial magnetism towards are people who push our parental buttons the most. These people can frequently be the very worst people for us because of this.
A child growing up with a NPD parent, for instance, will be conditioned to enable and support NPD relationship partners. They may find that they have a higher than normal percentage of NPD individuals in their social circles, etc. People find cohorts that match their own issues.
Not saying this is you, but it is definitely something else to keep in mind when you consider the phenomenon of sparks... and why sparks are a bullshit reason to act on anything one way or the other.
posted by kaseijin at 8:11 AM on July 8, 2010 [12 favorites]
Sparks.
Sparks are such bullshit, really. I sometimes think that it's a bit inflammatory around here to say so, but it's the gods' honest truth.
Sparks are the stuff of movies, pulpy novels with shirtless beefcakes on the cover, and of wedding magazines.
I'm not saying they don't exist, mind, so much as that they are simply inconsequential bullshit. Sure, there are people that say they felt instant sparks. It happens, from time to time -- no lie. But you know what? I have known far more relationships that have utterly dissolved on account of "sparks" than I have known to have began with these sparks.
People get their head in the clouds and buy wholesale into pop culture ideas of romance, and then they refuse to give perfectly reasonable partners an adequate chance because they don't feel some sort of vague, esoteric "spark"....or they leave a long-term, stable relationship because they felt a "spark" with somebody else -- which of course means that they are compulsively required to follow that rabbit down the hole.
Does this sound like I have a chip on my shoulder? Maybe. It's happened to me before, sure...but what colors my feelings on this even more so than my own experience is the ridiculous way I have seen other people behave over "sparks."
And the funny thing is that none of them can ever even adequately describe or quantify this spark thing. Ask somebody sometime. Ask yourself, even. What is this spark? How do you recognize it? Are you sure? What if you're second guessing that it's there? Does that nullify it entirely?
It's vague because it's bullshit. People don't work that way, we don't have magical, electrical "on/off" switches for our attractions, and just because we feel an attraction to somebody doesn't mean that they are the one for us and we are fated to be with them against all odds.
Case in point:
The lady in my life is wonderful. We have been together for two years now, and will be moving in together at the end of the summer. We are basically inseparable. Was there an initial spark? I think we would both describe our relationship as "falling in love in reverse." We were two curious individuals who wanted to get to know each other better, so that's exactly what we did. We had open minds and open hearts. We talked about our differences. We took things slowly. Now, I can't imagine my life without her.
Many people would have thrown away this wonderful relationship, all because of some esoteric spark that they can't even define. Don't be that person. Stay with this fellow -- or cut him loose -- based on his qualities, mutual respect, your compatibility on big issues, what you want from a relationship, where you see that relationship progressing, etc. Don't determine the viability of your relationship over "sparks", unless you are 13.
Something else worth considering, that I don't know if anybody here has touched on yet: The feeling of sparks is oftentimes tied to dysfunction. Our parents fuck us up. This is pretty much true for everybody. In fucking us up, our parents predisposition us to be compatible with their own set of dysfunctions. Frequently the people we feel the largest initial magnetism towards are people who push our parental buttons the most. These people can frequently be the very worst people for us because of this.
A child growing up with a NPD parent, for instance, will be conditioned to enable and support NPD relationship partners. They may find that they have a higher than normal percentage of NPD individuals in their social circles, etc. People find cohorts that match their own issues.
Not saying this is you, but it is definitely something else to keep in mind when you consider the phenomenon of sparks... and why sparks are a bullshit reason to act on anything one way or the other.
posted by kaseijin at 8:11 AM on July 8, 2010 [12 favorites]
That all said, I would like to also chime in and basically agree with IDS#9 up there -- you gotta want to get your bone on. You need to be at least somewhat attracted to the man, and that's your call as to whether or not you are.
I think people sometimes conflate attraction with "sparks," and it seems more often to me that, in the common vernacular, these two terms are NOT equivalent.
posted by kaseijin at 8:19 AM on July 8, 2010
I think people sometimes conflate attraction with "sparks," and it seems more often to me that, in the common vernacular, these two terms are NOT equivalent.
posted by kaseijin at 8:19 AM on July 8, 2010
You say he's a friend of a friend. Are you *friends*? What's the conversation like? How does it feel being with him? Is it easy or awkward, and is it getting-to-know-you-naked awkward vs uncomfortable awkward? I think it's okay to look for 'spark' but I think you need to define 'spark'. I didn't have a 'spark' the time I met Mr. M. and we took that fork in the road (we had met twice before and 'knew' each other online but that was it) but it was so easy to be with him and he made me laugh (and I made him laugh). I too was tired of guys who didn't call me back and he was a 'nice' guy that I normally probably wouldn't have gone for. But I decided I liked him and thought I'd see if he liked me.
That was almost 7 years ago.
By my usual pre-Mr. M. qualities of 'spark' or 'destiny' this wouldn't have made the charts. But I cannot tell you how blissfully happy I am every day, and how I stand there in the mornings and watch him sleep and still smile. And we still want to jump each other's bones, even when we're sick or tired or crabby because it's hot or someone dented the car (again).
Someone else mentioned smell, that is big.
Also, is he courting you still? Or is he acting like "well, we did it, so my work here is done". Is he *wooing* you? He should still be trying to date you even though you already knew each other & jumped into it.
And please, if the sex isn't good, or you don't think it can be good through a little give-and-take, back out.
posted by micawber at 8:48 AM on July 8, 2010
That was almost 7 years ago.
By my usual pre-Mr. M. qualities of 'spark' or 'destiny' this wouldn't have made the charts. But I cannot tell you how blissfully happy I am every day, and how I stand there in the mornings and watch him sleep and still smile. And we still want to jump each other's bones, even when we're sick or tired or crabby because it's hot or someone dented the car (again).
Someone else mentioned smell, that is big.
Also, is he courting you still? Or is he acting like "well, we did it, so my work here is done". Is he *wooing* you? He should still be trying to date you even though you already knew each other & jumped into it.
And please, if the sex isn't good, or you don't think it can be good through a little give-and-take, back out.
posted by micawber at 8:48 AM on July 8, 2010
Of course this guy could grow on you but...
**the high school nerd is the way to go and to stop chasing after guys who don't return my phone calls**
...if you do choose him he needs to become the guy you'd chase after, not the guy you gave up "bad boys" for.
Too many people carry this kind of baggage into relationships. Unsaid attitudes such as, "Well, I've dated strippers and models before her, so I'm the prize." And the female version, "I've had enough drama with bad boys who made my blood and libido boil, but now I need to be pragmatic, so I pick tame Mr. You."
posted by teg4rvn at 8:48 AM on July 8, 2010 [5 favorites]
**the high school nerd is the way to go and to stop chasing after guys who don't return my phone calls**
...if you do choose him he needs to become the guy you'd chase after, not the guy you gave up "bad boys" for.
Too many people carry this kind of baggage into relationships. Unsaid attitudes such as, "Well, I've dated strippers and models before her, so I'm the prize." And the female version, "I've had enough drama with bad boys who made my blood and libido boil, but now I need to be pragmatic, so I pick tame Mr. You."
posted by teg4rvn at 8:48 AM on July 8, 2010 [5 favorites]
Not gonna work. I'll spare you the details of how I know this.... just not going to work.
posted by motsque at 9:13 AM on July 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by motsque at 9:13 AM on July 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
With the "give it a shot" camp - give him some time to seduce you before you make your decision. It can take a while to see him in a different light, you've had him in the friend zone for a long time. But if you decide to do this, let him know you just want to try things out and see how it goes for a month or two. If by then you're not feeling it, I doubt you ever will.
posted by lizbunny at 10:20 AM on July 8, 2010
posted by lizbunny at 10:20 AM on July 8, 2010
Sparks always die off. As my grandma used to say, "All fires end in embers."
Maybe there are no sparks because you already know the guy a bit, so you haven't had that excitement level when you meet someone. Give him a chance -- he's declared himself, you've slept together -- and see how it goes.
posted by vickyverky at 12:13 PM on July 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
Maybe there are no sparks because you already know the guy a bit, so you haven't had that excitement level when you meet someone. Give him a chance -- he's declared himself, you've slept together -- and see how it goes.
posted by vickyverky at 12:13 PM on July 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
Be patient, patientpatient!
I say give him a shot. You're 30 and it's time to get over what people were labeled in high school.
posted by WeekendJen at 12:24 PM on July 8, 2010
I say give him a shot. You're 30 and it's time to get over what people were labeled in high school.
posted by WeekendJen at 12:24 PM on July 8, 2010
Response by poster: Hi All...Thanks so much for your advice/insight/commentary/personal anecdotes. I realize without knowing me or him or witnessing the situation, it all comes across vague and as one person mentioned, something I need to figure out for myself and not from strangers on the internet. I suppose I was just wondering if someone was in a similar position and how that all worked out for them.
To answer some questions: Yes, the sex was good. However, it lacked intimacy, mostly because we have been in the friend zone up until that point. Yes, he is still courting me and wanting to take me out on a date. Yes, there are times I find him cute. Yes, I enjoy his company, though I don't find myself missing or pining for him. We have known one another for about six months now.
To the person who said there is a big difference between spark and attraction, I think you are absolutely right. My instinct is NOT to bone this dude. I think I'm prone to having the ability to detach emotion when I have sex and can therefore do it with someone I'm not totally attracted to just to fulfill a need, whether it's sexually based or a control issue.
There is a lack of chemistry here, in more than just the physical sense as well. I don't know if I should be running for the hills or telling myself to calm down and try it out.
Anyway, again, thanks for your words! All of it was helpful in one way or another.
posted by patientpatient at 12:49 PM on July 8, 2010
To answer some questions: Yes, the sex was good. However, it lacked intimacy, mostly because we have been in the friend zone up until that point. Yes, he is still courting me and wanting to take me out on a date. Yes, there are times I find him cute. Yes, I enjoy his company, though I don't find myself missing or pining for him. We have known one another for about six months now.
To the person who said there is a big difference between spark and attraction, I think you are absolutely right. My instinct is NOT to bone this dude. I think I'm prone to having the ability to detach emotion when I have sex and can therefore do it with someone I'm not totally attracted to just to fulfill a need, whether it's sexually based or a control issue.
There is a lack of chemistry here, in more than just the physical sense as well. I don't know if I should be running for the hills or telling myself to calm down and try it out.
Anyway, again, thanks for your words! All of it was helpful in one way or another.
posted by patientpatient at 12:49 PM on July 8, 2010
Follow your gut. It seems to be saying "meh", and you can do better than that.
posted by heatherann at 7:28 PM on July 8, 2010
posted by heatherann at 7:28 PM on July 8, 2010
Don't date someone you feel this "eh" about. I don't think he's gonna grow on you. I kinda wish you hadn't slept with him already, 'cause that'll lead him on more and making the eventual breakup worse.
"Sparks" is code for "I'd like to sleep with him." If you are completely apathetic to sleeping with him, what's the point of dating him? Don't date him because he's a "nice guy" as opposed to a "bad boy," because you're single and you feel obligated to like someone back because you're single and he likey-likes you, or because you "should give him a chance, my taste sucks anyway." This doesn't work. Some people do fall in love slowly and "give him a chance" works for them, but if you're someone who tends to know early on, this probably won't work for you. You've known him for six months, I think other than in the dating context, you know what he's like by now and if he's appealing or not. "Give him a chance" works better with unknown people, not FWB'ing.
I speak as someone who's given too many "chances" and regretted all the ones where I knew from the getgo I didn't likey-like them back.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:18 PM on July 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
"Sparks" is code for "I'd like to sleep with him." If you are completely apathetic to sleeping with him, what's the point of dating him? Don't date him because he's a "nice guy" as opposed to a "bad boy," because you're single and you feel obligated to like someone back because you're single and he likey-likes you, or because you "should give him a chance, my taste sucks anyway." This doesn't work. Some people do fall in love slowly and "give him a chance" works for them, but if you're someone who tends to know early on, this probably won't work for you. You've known him for six months, I think other than in the dating context, you know what he's like by now and if he's appealing or not. "Give him a chance" works better with unknown people, not FWB'ing.
I speak as someone who's given too many "chances" and regretted all the ones where I knew from the getgo I didn't likey-like them back.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:18 PM on July 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
I keep wondering if this is the time of my life when I realize the high school nerd is the way to go and to stop chasing after guys who don't return my phone calls.
It sounds like you're just having a run of bad luck with other men, and this guy is available and... it would just be so easy to be with him. I've done this sort of rationalizing before, but when I have to talk myself into liking someone it never ends well. You don't have to settle! He may be a great friend, but just not the right romantic partner for you.
However, when I'm around him, I don't want to jump him.
This is usually the deciding factor for me. Without that initial attraction (looks, voice, smell, whatever it is), it just doesn't work. Especially since you already had sex and it sounds like that didn't really change your mind.
posted by lucysparrow at 9:06 PM on July 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
It sounds like you're just having a run of bad luck with other men, and this guy is available and... it would just be so easy to be with him. I've done this sort of rationalizing before, but when I have to talk myself into liking someone it never ends well. You don't have to settle! He may be a great friend, but just not the right romantic partner for you.
However, when I'm around him, I don't want to jump him.
This is usually the deciding factor for me. Without that initial attraction (looks, voice, smell, whatever it is), it just doesn't work. Especially since you already had sex and it sounds like that didn't really change your mind.
posted by lucysparrow at 9:06 PM on July 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
You should tell him that you don't feel a spark for him. Ask him if he wants to keep seeing you for a while to find out if maybe the spark will develop. This is more of a risk for him, because he's involved and nothing is at stake for you. Say something like: "This probably isn't going to work and you are probably going to be dissapointed and hurt but if you are willing to take that risk and share the responsibility, we can see each other for a while."
posted by conrad53 at 12:32 PM on July 9, 2010
posted by conrad53 at 12:32 PM on July 9, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
In the name of all nerdy guys everywhere, at least give it a little more time ...
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 10:19 PM on July 7, 2010 [9 favorites]