Need advice on how to accept my daughter spending so much time with her father, his family and his new girlfriend.
May 16, 2010 11:36 AM Subscribe
I had posted a question a little while ago on how to finally move on after ending the on again off again relationship I had with my daughter's father. I received great avice, thanks. I cannot say that I have yet fully moved on, but I am now having more good days than bad. However, one thing I am having such a hard time dealing with is the fact that my daughter is now spending so much time with either his family or his new girlfriend, who he began seeing again only 3 weeks after we broke up. (he dated her briefly during one of our separations)
My daughter's father is very close with his family, and while there is nothing wrong with that, another family member is often caring for my daughter when I believe it should be his responsibility to do so. This new girl is already included in all family gatherings and from what my daughter has told me, she's at his house often, even thought he just told me a month or so ago it wasn't that serious and that he still wasn't over me. Which is another huge thing I struggle with; how did someone who said a couple months ago they still loved me move on with someone else and just begin to act like I meant absolutely nothing to him?
I don't think all of this would bother me so much if his family wasn't so disrespectful to me. They basically just act like I no longer exist and clearly blame me for the break up. It was me who vocalized my unhappiness in the relationship, but it was also me who wanted to go to therapy and he refused. He is also the one who has obviously moved on in a matter of minutes, while I still can't even think of dating anyone 7 months later.
An example of his family not respecting me - I had mentioned to his mother last year that I wanted to wait until my daughter was 5 to get her a certain kind of doll. I have always dreamed of buying my little girl this type of doll but wanted to wait until she was old enough to appreciate it. Come to find out from my daugher, my ex's mother bought it for her for Christmas, and no one told me.
They are not bad people, but having my daughter spend so much time with people who seem to dislike me so much makes me uncomfortable. My daughter's father is a teacher, and now his mother is retired, and this new girlfriend never seems to work; so they will be spending so much time together this summer while I am working my ass off ( I do not receive child support either. He pays for preschool and her insurance - and he also makes me feel bad for that) What makes it worse is that I have caught him in lies about what he is doing; he says he has to work his second job then come to find out he doesn't even work the nights he says he does anymore. he has said for two years he missed the open enrollment for dental insurance. I don't trust anything he says anymore.
It does drive me crazy that they are out and about acting like a little family, while I sit and home and wonder how my little girl is doing. I get her all dressed up in pretty outfits and do her hair, he comes and picks her up so they can go to a party with his family and girlfriend. It just makes me so sad and I don't know how to deal with it.
I guess my questions are:
-do I have a right to know what my daughter is doing when she is with him during his time to care for her? do I even want to know or should I just trust him? If he told me they were going to a family party together, I would just sit home and cry anyway.
-do I have a right to be concerned she is spending so much time with this new girlfriend?
-should I say anything to his mother about how I feel she disrespects me?
-Finally, just how can I get through this? I know so many people seem to deal with this, but I honestly don't know any.
Thanks so much in advance for any advice.
My daughter's father is very close with his family, and while there is nothing wrong with that, another family member is often caring for my daughter when I believe it should be his responsibility to do so. This new girl is already included in all family gatherings and from what my daughter has told me, she's at his house often, even thought he just told me a month or so ago it wasn't that serious and that he still wasn't over me. Which is another huge thing I struggle with; how did someone who said a couple months ago they still loved me move on with someone else and just begin to act like I meant absolutely nothing to him?
I don't think all of this would bother me so much if his family wasn't so disrespectful to me. They basically just act like I no longer exist and clearly blame me for the break up. It was me who vocalized my unhappiness in the relationship, but it was also me who wanted to go to therapy and he refused. He is also the one who has obviously moved on in a matter of minutes, while I still can't even think of dating anyone 7 months later.
An example of his family not respecting me - I had mentioned to his mother last year that I wanted to wait until my daughter was 5 to get her a certain kind of doll. I have always dreamed of buying my little girl this type of doll but wanted to wait until she was old enough to appreciate it. Come to find out from my daugher, my ex's mother bought it for her for Christmas, and no one told me.
They are not bad people, but having my daughter spend so much time with people who seem to dislike me so much makes me uncomfortable. My daughter's father is a teacher, and now his mother is retired, and this new girlfriend never seems to work; so they will be spending so much time together this summer while I am working my ass off ( I do not receive child support either. He pays for preschool and her insurance - and he also makes me feel bad for that) What makes it worse is that I have caught him in lies about what he is doing; he says he has to work his second job then come to find out he doesn't even work the nights he says he does anymore. he has said for two years he missed the open enrollment for dental insurance. I don't trust anything he says anymore.
It does drive me crazy that they are out and about acting like a little family, while I sit and home and wonder how my little girl is doing. I get her all dressed up in pretty outfits and do her hair, he comes and picks her up so they can go to a party with his family and girlfriend. It just makes me so sad and I don't know how to deal with it.
I guess my questions are:
-do I have a right to know what my daughter is doing when she is with him during his time to care for her? do I even want to know or should I just trust him? If he told me they were going to a family party together, I would just sit home and cry anyway.
-do I have a right to be concerned she is spending so much time with this new girlfriend?
-should I say anything to his mother about how I feel she disrespects me?
-Finally, just how can I get through this? I know so many people seem to deal with this, but I honestly don't know any.
Thanks so much in advance for any advice.
I do not receive child support either. He pays for preschool and her insurance - and he also makes me feel bad for that
Is this an arrangement that's been mandated by a court, or have you guys just worked this out between you two? Because from what you've posted, I'd say you need to make sure everything is going through a court.
Also, he might try to "make you feel bad" for anything he pays for, but you should feel free to REJECT that bullshit AS BULLSHIT. He is your daughter's father. Helping pay for her expenses is not some sort of goddamn favor he's doing you; it is his fundamental moral and legal obligation.
posted by scody at 12:02 PM on May 16, 2010 [9 favorites]
Is this an arrangement that's been mandated by a court, or have you guys just worked this out between you two? Because from what you've posted, I'd say you need to make sure everything is going through a court.
Also, he might try to "make you feel bad" for anything he pays for, but you should feel free to REJECT that bullshit AS BULLSHIT. He is your daughter's father. Helping pay for her expenses is not some sort of goddamn favor he's doing you; it is his fundamental moral and legal obligation.
posted by scody at 12:02 PM on May 16, 2010 [9 favorites]
First, what's the deal with no child support? Are you not entitled to it, or is it just not set up?
As for who's spending time with whom, though: You're making this part too much about you. This, for instance: "My daughter's father is a teacher, and now his mother is retired, and this new girlfriend never seems to work; so they will be spending so much time together this summer while I am working my ass off." That sounds awesome for your daughter, to spend the whole summer having fun with her dad and grandma. Why would you rather he be working his ass off than spending time with your little girl?
You feel left out. But for your daughter, spending a lot of time with her dad is great for her. It's great for her to have a grandmother who loves her.
In answer to your specific questions, as long as you don't fear for her health or safety, I don't think you're entitled to details of who she's spending time with; don't say anything to his mother (you have no power there anymore anyway); and, again, try to see this through your daughter's eyes, and thus see the advantages for her of having a whole bunch of doting family taking her to parties all summer!
posted by palliser at 12:16 PM on May 16, 2010 [3 favorites]
As for who's spending time with whom, though: You're making this part too much about you. This, for instance: "My daughter's father is a teacher, and now his mother is retired, and this new girlfriend never seems to work; so they will be spending so much time together this summer while I am working my ass off." That sounds awesome for your daughter, to spend the whole summer having fun with her dad and grandma. Why would you rather he be working his ass off than spending time with your little girl?
You feel left out. But for your daughter, spending a lot of time with her dad is great for her. It's great for her to have a grandmother who loves her.
In answer to your specific questions, as long as you don't fear for her health or safety, I don't think you're entitled to details of who she's spending time with; don't say anything to his mother (you have no power there anymore anyway); and, again, try to see this through your daughter's eyes, and thus see the advantages for her of having a whole bunch of doting family taking her to parties all summer!
posted by palliser at 12:16 PM on May 16, 2010 [3 favorites]
Seconding everyone above. It sounds like your hurt feelings over the breakup with your ex are keeping you from being objective about the equity of your respective contributions to the upbringing of your child. If you've been trying to be generous with him because you hoped he might still care for you-- or if you've been feeling guilty for asking him to contribute because you know you secretly resent his girlfriend-- just stop it. Your relationship with him at this point is separate from both of your relationships with your daughter. And likewise, fair child support is something he owes, not to you, but to your daughter.
You might find it easier to think through these things if you remove your own feelings from the equation and consider primarily what's best for your daughter. What does she need and deserve? Plenty of fun, relaxed, loving time with both parents. Equitable financial support from both parents. A conflict-free environment where she feels good about the people she loves. Not only should you not "feel bad" for demanding these things, it's your job as her mom to fight for them on her behalf. And frankly, introducing the legal system into this might not be a bad idea, if for no other reason than it'd give you an impartial intermediary in what sounds like a pretty complicated situation with the father.
posted by Bardolph at 12:24 PM on May 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
You might find it easier to think through these things if you remove your own feelings from the equation and consider primarily what's best for your daughter. What does she need and deserve? Plenty of fun, relaxed, loving time with both parents. Equitable financial support from both parents. A conflict-free environment where she feels good about the people she loves. Not only should you not "feel bad" for demanding these things, it's your job as her mom to fight for them on her behalf. And frankly, introducing the legal system into this might not be a bad idea, if for no other reason than it'd give you an impartial intermediary in what sounds like a pretty complicated situation with the father.
posted by Bardolph at 12:24 PM on May 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
Firstly- the child support issue is something you should take care of- you really want to make sure that you have it in court documents, because that can easily lead to resentment.
Secondly- and this has been the VERY hardest thing for me to come to terms with when dealing with my own situations, it's really tough to realize that you can't expect to have the full control after not being with my child's father. As hard as it might be, it's not your place to ask what they are doing every minute she's there, provided you think that she's being cared for.
You can try to talk to your daughter's grandmother about her respect for you, but also realize that sometimes people just won't listen. I was in a similar situation, and it took me about 6 years to finally make it so it didn't get to me anymore.
posted by Zophi at 12:25 PM on May 16, 2010
Secondly- and this has been the VERY hardest thing for me to come to terms with when dealing with my own situations, it's really tough to realize that you can't expect to have the full control after not being with my child's father. As hard as it might be, it's not your place to ask what they are doing every minute she's there, provided you think that she's being cared for.
You can try to talk to your daughter's grandmother about her respect for you, but also realize that sometimes people just won't listen. I was in a similar situation, and it took me about 6 years to finally make it so it didn't get to me anymore.
posted by Zophi at 12:25 PM on May 16, 2010
I went through this with my ex, and it was hard, SO HARD, to let go have having my daughters' with me 24/7 and knowing what went on with them. And the girlfriends et all. It was so painful but I grew up with out a dad and wanted my girls to have a different experience. I knew too from therapy and also my own experiences(both in relation to my mother and father and with experiences with my ex and his girlfriend) that any big fuss I made would ultimately be a disservice to me- and give those folks a reason to let my girls know exactly why they didn't like me.
It terms of your questions I would say that in a perfect world some of your expectations are normal-but if your ex could meet your terms you most likely would still be together! You need to not personalize what is happening, which is hard when it involves your child. You also should try and do things that are fun for you and that you enjoy when your daughter isn't there with you. Go to the movies, see friends etc anything to get your mind off your daughter and your ex. In time, you will love the freedom that you have. I know I do now-5 years on, I enjoy my kid free weekends and know my girls are building a relationship with their dad when they are with him.
And in terms of child support, you need to look into what is fair in your state. And then if your state has a system to collect the child support and disperse it, use it. I went from having to request a check from my ex to the DOR sending it out, and it made some of the emotional stuff with the money less of an issue.
And honestly, and I know it sounds glib, but the way you get through this is putting one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward.
posted by momochan at 12:26 PM on May 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
It terms of your questions I would say that in a perfect world some of your expectations are normal-but if your ex could meet your terms you most likely would still be together! You need to not personalize what is happening, which is hard when it involves your child. You also should try and do things that are fun for you and that you enjoy when your daughter isn't there with you. Go to the movies, see friends etc anything to get your mind off your daughter and your ex. In time, you will love the freedom that you have. I know I do now-5 years on, I enjoy my kid free weekends and know my girls are building a relationship with their dad when they are with him.
And in terms of child support, you need to look into what is fair in your state. And then if your state has a system to collect the child support and disperse it, use it. I went from having to request a check from my ex to the DOR sending it out, and it made some of the emotional stuff with the money less of an issue.
And honestly, and I know it sounds glib, but the way you get through this is putting one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward.
posted by momochan at 12:26 PM on May 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
I can hear and understand that you are very sad and frustrated about all of this, miss your daughter when she is away, and fear ... losing her in some way.
As much as I feel for you here, I'm worried your daughter is going to end up in the middle of it. It seems like you're doing a lot of thinking about what they think about you and whether they respect you, and what his actions mean about his feelings for you. You want respect from them, and you look for that in how they act toward her, putting her in the middle. That's a hard place to be. She can't feel happy about the doll gift because it's a symbol of disrespect towards you? -- That's what I'm hoping you can avoid.
I would recommend that you prioritize your relationship with her and find other avenues for feeling respected and liked to the point that your ex- and his family are irrelevant. I don't know what it would take for you to find real peace and generosity of spirit toward your daughter's father and his family. I'm not suggesting you fake it; I'm suggesting you do what it really takes to get beyond how you are feeling now. Having some love and compassion for them will make it easiest on your daughter and allow you to truly be a support for her over the coming years.
posted by salvia at 12:31 PM on May 16, 2010
As much as I feel for you here, I'm worried your daughter is going to end up in the middle of it. It seems like you're doing a lot of thinking about what they think about you and whether they respect you, and what his actions mean about his feelings for you. You want respect from them, and you look for that in how they act toward her, putting her in the middle. That's a hard place to be. She can't feel happy about the doll gift because it's a symbol of disrespect towards you? -- That's what I'm hoping you can avoid.
I would recommend that you prioritize your relationship with her and find other avenues for feeling respected and liked to the point that your ex- and his family are irrelevant. I don't know what it would take for you to find real peace and generosity of spirit toward your daughter's father and his family. I'm not suggesting you fake it; I'm suggesting you do what it really takes to get beyond how you are feeling now. Having some love and compassion for them will make it easiest on your daughter and allow you to truly be a support for her over the coming years.
posted by salvia at 12:31 PM on May 16, 2010
Disclaimer: I am not divorced, and my parents are not divorced. I have several friends who are divorced, some quite unpleasantly, and I've observed their interactions, though.
He's her father. As a result, he has as much right to parent her as you do; he can take the kid to his family, he can buy her toys on his own schedule, he can take her to family parties. However, he does not have the right to keep secrets from you, and he absolutely should not be disrespecting you or allowing anyone else to do so to her face.
Also, he needs to be contributing to her upkeep. The preschool and insurance is great, but he needs to understand that that's a bare not-even-minimum of his responsibility, not some great and wonderful gift. He is her father, and she deserves and is entitled to his support.
I definitely would not dress her up to go to him -- he can dress her up himself. Does he have any of her clothes at his place? If not, he can buy some. If he wants her hair braided, he can learn to do it himself. He's not some sort of glorified child-minder; he's her father. As far as your daughter is concerned, this is no different than what my husband does every other Saturday when he takes my daughter down to see his mother and his sister. Now, obviously, it is Very Different for you, and that's OK; but my point is, when Erik takes Lily down to see his family, he dresses her, packs her diaper bag, makes sure she has snacks and clothing appropriate to the weather, &c. He does all these things not because he's my husband, but because he's our daughter's father. Your daughter's father can do the same.
The girlfriend, sadly, may be there to stay, and unless she's doing things that are physically or emotionally harmful, you probably can't do much about it. He has the right to hang out with and associate with whomever he wants. But he does NOT have the right to lie to you about who is present and what's going on. I'd definitely visit this issue with a court-appointed mediator, because it sounds like he wants to have all the fun parts of parenthood and none of the draggy parts, and that's not on.
posted by KathrynT at 12:31 PM on May 16, 2010
He's her father. As a result, he has as much right to parent her as you do; he can take the kid to his family, he can buy her toys on his own schedule, he can take her to family parties. However, he does not have the right to keep secrets from you, and he absolutely should not be disrespecting you or allowing anyone else to do so to her face.
Also, he needs to be contributing to her upkeep. The preschool and insurance is great, but he needs to understand that that's a bare not-even-minimum of his responsibility, not some great and wonderful gift. He is her father, and she deserves and is entitled to his support.
I definitely would not dress her up to go to him -- he can dress her up himself. Does he have any of her clothes at his place? If not, he can buy some. If he wants her hair braided, he can learn to do it himself. He's not some sort of glorified child-minder; he's her father. As far as your daughter is concerned, this is no different than what my husband does every other Saturday when he takes my daughter down to see his mother and his sister. Now, obviously, it is Very Different for you, and that's OK; but my point is, when Erik takes Lily down to see his family, he dresses her, packs her diaper bag, makes sure she has snacks and clothing appropriate to the weather, &c. He does all these things not because he's my husband, but because he's our daughter's father. Your daughter's father can do the same.
The girlfriend, sadly, may be there to stay, and unless she's doing things that are physically or emotionally harmful, you probably can't do much about it. He has the right to hang out with and associate with whomever he wants. But he does NOT have the right to lie to you about who is present and what's going on. I'd definitely visit this issue with a court-appointed mediator, because it sounds like he wants to have all the fun parts of parenthood and none of the draggy parts, and that's not on.
posted by KathrynT at 12:31 PM on May 16, 2010
This could have been me writing this about 20 years ago. Mom's House, Dad's House was recommended to me by my therapist. It is one of the most helpful books I've every read.
Agree with the above about child support, mine laid the guilt trip on me for several years before I wised up and went to court. Don't do this! He has a legal requirement to share the expenses of raising your daughter.
One other thing to remember is that you can not change people, you can only change how you react to them.
posted by JujuB at 12:42 PM on May 16, 2010
Agree with the above about child support, mine laid the guilt trip on me for several years before I wised up and went to court. Don't do this! He has a legal requirement to share the expenses of raising your daughter.
One other thing to remember is that you can not change people, you can only change how you react to them.
posted by JujuB at 12:42 PM on May 16, 2010
Also chiming in to ask why no child support?
In the broader picture, you are right that you have not fully moved on; that would not be a reasonable expectation seven months in. (There is some metric that it takes half as many years as the relationship lasted to fully get over a partner; in my experience it's pretty accurate.) But it does get better - so much better.
-do I have a right to know what my daughter is doing when she is with him during his time to care for her? do I even want to know or should I just trust him? If he told me they were going to a family party together, I would just sit home and cry anyway.
You have a right and a responsibility to know where your daughter is and who is caring for her when she is not with you (and the same is true for him), although not specifically what they are doing. I am assuming, based on your previous post, that you trust your ex to be a good parent and to make good decisions to keep your child safe, warm, and fed.
-do I have a right to be concerned she is spending so much time with this new girlfriend?
I'm sure a million people will chime in to say yes but on a purely practical level, I'd just skip this one. Unless you have evidence that the GF is irresponsible, it's really out of your control and that particular horse has already left the stable. She's here, she's part of your child's life, and that doesn't appear like it will be changing any time terribly soon.
-should I say anything to his mother about how I feel she disrespects me?
No. This is likely to gain you nothing. You will be involved in this family through your child for a long, long time and good relations are what's best for her, so pick your battles.
-Finally, just how can I get through this? I know so many people seem to deal with this, but I honestly don't know any.
One of the reasons it's transparent that you have not moved on is that you are still living your life relative to him. You can't understand how he can have a girlfriend when you are not ready to date. That family gets to spend more time together because of their specific circumstances while you have to work, etc.
Stop focusing on what's going on over there and focus on yourself.
If he's responsible for dental, than he's responsible for dental. He missed open enrolment? Tough shit; not your problem. He wants to take her to a party? Let him sort out her clothes. His work schedule has changed? Doesn't matter as long as he's providing care when he's scheduled to. All of that is not relevant to you.
A lot of this, it seems to me, would take up less psychic space if you had a normal, legal separation and custodial agreement in place, but I'm not clear what's going on there.
Meanwhile, work on making some new friends and getting a new hobby so that you can spend the time without your daughter relative to yourself and not your ex.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:42 PM on May 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
In the broader picture, you are right that you have not fully moved on; that would not be a reasonable expectation seven months in. (There is some metric that it takes half as many years as the relationship lasted to fully get over a partner; in my experience it's pretty accurate.) But it does get better - so much better.
-do I have a right to know what my daughter is doing when she is with him during his time to care for her? do I even want to know or should I just trust him? If he told me they were going to a family party together, I would just sit home and cry anyway.
You have a right and a responsibility to know where your daughter is and who is caring for her when she is not with you (and the same is true for him), although not specifically what they are doing. I am assuming, based on your previous post, that you trust your ex to be a good parent and to make good decisions to keep your child safe, warm, and fed.
-do I have a right to be concerned she is spending so much time with this new girlfriend?
I'm sure a million people will chime in to say yes but on a purely practical level, I'd just skip this one. Unless you have evidence that the GF is irresponsible, it's really out of your control and that particular horse has already left the stable. She's here, she's part of your child's life, and that doesn't appear like it will be changing any time terribly soon.
-should I say anything to his mother about how I feel she disrespects me?
No. This is likely to gain you nothing. You will be involved in this family through your child for a long, long time and good relations are what's best for her, so pick your battles.
-Finally, just how can I get through this? I know so many people seem to deal with this, but I honestly don't know any.
One of the reasons it's transparent that you have not moved on is that you are still living your life relative to him. You can't understand how he can have a girlfriend when you are not ready to date. That family gets to spend more time together because of their specific circumstances while you have to work, etc.
Stop focusing on what's going on over there and focus on yourself.
If he's responsible for dental, than he's responsible for dental. He missed open enrolment? Tough shit; not your problem. He wants to take her to a party? Let him sort out her clothes. His work schedule has changed? Doesn't matter as long as he's providing care when he's scheduled to. All of that is not relevant to you.
A lot of this, it seems to me, would take up less psychic space if you had a normal, legal separation and custodial agreement in place, but I'm not clear what's going on there.
Meanwhile, work on making some new friends and getting a new hobby so that you can spend the time without your daughter relative to yourself and not your ex.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:42 PM on May 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
You need to find out if you are entitled to collect child support. That way the resentment over the money won't be there. Do you have an actual custody arrangement with set days and stuff? That might help to, so it's not like they're always making you feel obligated to send her with them to some party when you are entitled to be spending time with her during that time.
If he misses open enrollment, and it's his responsibility to maintain her dental in your agreement (if you have one, which it sounds like you may not if there's no child support), he probably then has to get her private dental insurance or pay for her dental out of pocket and you should pursue this rather than paying yourself or not getting her the dental care she needs.
posted by ishotjr at 1:10 PM on May 16, 2010
If he misses open enrollment, and it's his responsibility to maintain her dental in your agreement (if you have one, which it sounds like you may not if there's no child support), he probably then has to get her private dental insurance or pay for her dental out of pocket and you should pursue this rather than paying yourself or not getting her the dental care she needs.
posted by ishotjr at 1:10 PM on May 16, 2010
Response by poster: Thanks for the replies. In regards to the child support, at first I did not want to go that route because I had felt guilty for leaving him. I felt that his paying for daycare then, preschool now, and the health insurance would be fair. (he claims he pays a ton for a family plan.) However, I did bring it up to him a few times and his reaction is always the same:
-he will not pay for my mortgage. That's what he claims the child support will be doing.
-he will insist on taking her 50% of the time, now it is more like 40%. He takes her 3 nights, I have her 4. But he does pick her up after school more days than me because I get out of work later. I don't want her away from me less, but I also know he would never have her 50%. We work around his schedule except for the days he picks her up from school.
Also, I am afraid he might try to play the irrational woman card. He knows I have been to therapy for anxiety and depression. I am also starting a new job and might be making more money than him, and I don't want to end up paying him.
I feel selfish for my post; I DO TRY so hard to see this through my daughter's eyes, but I am afraid of losing her to "them" in a way. They are a very in your face family, outgoing and everyone in town knows them. I am not from here and I feel like everyone on the street dislikes me because of the small town gossip. It's just hard.
posted by aprilc34 at 2:30 PM on May 16, 2010
-he will not pay for my mortgage. That's what he claims the child support will be doing.
-he will insist on taking her 50% of the time, now it is more like 40%. He takes her 3 nights, I have her 4. But he does pick her up after school more days than me because I get out of work later. I don't want her away from me less, but I also know he would never have her 50%. We work around his schedule except for the days he picks her up from school.
Also, I am afraid he might try to play the irrational woman card. He knows I have been to therapy for anxiety and depression. I am also starting a new job and might be making more money than him, and I don't want to end up paying him.
I feel selfish for my post; I DO TRY so hard to see this through my daughter's eyes, but I am afraid of losing her to "them" in a way. They are a very in your face family, outgoing and everyone in town knows them. I am not from here and I feel like everyone on the street dislikes me because of the small town gossip. It's just hard.
posted by aprilc34 at 2:30 PM on May 16, 2010
Don't feel selfish. Your concerns are real, and valid. However, I would _strongly_ encourage you to set up a support and custody agreement so that the rules and boundaries are well-established and clear. This will also affect his ability to play the irrational woman card, and the mediator you hire through the court system will ensure that nothing is in place that is bad for your daughter.
In particular, whatever he claims the child support will be doing is irrelevant. She deserves support from him. It may be that the contributions he's already doing are enough; it might not be. But either way, what he thinks is good enough ain't got nothing to do with it.
You clearly love your daughter very much and are very keyed into her concerns and well-being. You will never, ever, ever lose her. You are her mother. My own husband's parents split up when he was very young, and there was a period during which he spent every summer with his father, who was also a teacher. His dad was also independently wealthy, and could shower him and his sister with stuff, while his mother was working two jobs and scraping to make ends meet. There was never, ever a time at which he wouldn't have walked on hot coals to be with and support his mother, not even when he was a horrible teenager.
posted by KathrynT at 3:02 PM on May 16, 2010
In particular, whatever he claims the child support will be doing is irrelevant. She deserves support from him. It may be that the contributions he's already doing are enough; it might not be. But either way, what he thinks is good enough ain't got nothing to do with it.
You clearly love your daughter very much and are very keyed into her concerns and well-being. You will never, ever, ever lose her. You are her mother. My own husband's parents split up when he was very young, and there was a period during which he spent every summer with his father, who was also a teacher. His dad was also independently wealthy, and could shower him and his sister with stuff, while his mother was working two jobs and scraping to make ends meet. There was never, ever a time at which he wouldn't have walked on hot coals to be with and support his mother, not even when he was a horrible teenager.
posted by KathrynT at 3:02 PM on May 16, 2010
For the child support and custody/visitation arrangements you desperately need a lawyer. It will be far more expensive in the long run to not have a lawyer.
posted by 6550 at 3:06 PM on May 16, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by 6550 at 3:06 PM on May 16, 2010 [3 favorites]
You will never lose your daughter. You will always be her mom. Really, you need to try to move beyond this fear, because you are a loving mom, and this just isn't going to happy.
Your daughter is lucky to have two parents who love her so much. It's no fun when your parents don't live together, but at the very least, think of how lucky she is to have an extended family to spend time with.
Listen, my stepmom and I have a rotten relationship going on many years. But what I hate more than anything is when my mom says negative things about my stepmom. Or asks so many questions about what my dad is up to, or what my stepmom is up to. So my advice to you is to try really hard not to ask your daughter too many questions about your ex's new girlfriend. Of course you should listen to what she has to say, but make very sure you are not probing for information you don't really want to do anyway.
Here's another way I think of it: my parents divorce has nothing to do with me, and I try to make the best of a bad situation. It's pretty frustrating when my mom acts somehow like the victim in this, given that the adults made the decisions and the kids did not. For your daughter's sake, do try to take care of yourself.
And, honestly, take advantage of the time she's not with you! Go out with friends, to a movie, late!
posted by bluedaisy at 3:20 PM on May 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
Your daughter is lucky to have two parents who love her so much. It's no fun when your parents don't live together, but at the very least, think of how lucky she is to have an extended family to spend time with.
Listen, my stepmom and I have a rotten relationship going on many years. But what I hate more than anything is when my mom says negative things about my stepmom. Or asks so many questions about what my dad is up to, or what my stepmom is up to. So my advice to you is to try really hard not to ask your daughter too many questions about your ex's new girlfriend. Of course you should listen to what she has to say, but make very sure you are not probing for information you don't really want to do anyway.
Here's another way I think of it: my parents divorce has nothing to do with me, and I try to make the best of a bad situation. It's pretty frustrating when my mom acts somehow like the victim in this, given that the adults made the decisions and the kids did not. For your daughter's sake, do try to take care of yourself.
And, honestly, take advantage of the time she's not with you! Go out with friends, to a movie, late!
posted by bluedaisy at 3:20 PM on May 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
1- Lawyer up!
2- Your leaving him does not exempt him from financial responsibilities to his daughter.
posted by Neekee at 3:36 PM on May 16, 2010
2- Your leaving him does not exempt him from financial responsibilities to his daughter.
posted by Neekee at 3:36 PM on May 16, 2010
You desperately need to get a lawyer and go through the court system. A clear and equitable distribution of responsibilities (financially and otherwise) is essential -- not just for your daughter's well-being, but for your own (and yes, even for your ex).
posted by scody at 3:37 PM on May 16, 2010
posted by scody at 3:37 PM on May 16, 2010
he will not pay for my mortgage. That's what he claims the child support will be doing.
He doesn't get to decide that. The court gets to decide if he has a financial obligation to his child to help support her in her primary residence. That's why it's called child support.
You really need to see a lawyer if only so that you know how far off the deal you're getting now is from what the court mandates as a matter of course. Seeing a lawyer doesn't mean you have to do anything, but it does mean you'll know a lot more.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:01 PM on May 16, 2010 [3 favorites]
He doesn't get to decide that. The court gets to decide if he has a financial obligation to his child to help support her in her primary residence. That's why it's called child support.
You really need to see a lawyer if only so that you know how far off the deal you're getting now is from what the court mandates as a matter of course. Seeing a lawyer doesn't mean you have to do anything, but it does mean you'll know a lot more.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:01 PM on May 16, 2010 [3 favorites]
You sound as though you're in a very vulnerable position right now, and as though you're being bullied by your ex about child support/ visitation in a way that's not good for you, but (most importantly) not good for your daughter. Nthing that you are her mother. She will always love you, no matter how great her dad's family is or how many expensive things they buy her. She will probably love you more if she grows up seeing you as a strong, confident person who fights for what's fair on her behalf.
You are not irrational (at least, based on what you've said here). You are not being selfish. It seems like your view of this situation has been heavily conditioned by the nasty stuff your ex says, and it sounds as though his primary end is to get out of this with maximum facetime and a minimum of actual effort or expense.
Making an appointment with a lawyer would not commit you to a protracted custody battle, or mean that you'd necessarily have to do anything at all to change the situation; but it would give you an educated outsider's perspective on how fair the current situation is, and what you'd stand to lose or gain by doing this through the courts. You really sound like you need an advocate in this.
posted by Bardolph at 7:56 PM on May 16, 2010 [2 favorites]
You are not irrational (at least, based on what you've said here). You are not being selfish. It seems like your view of this situation has been heavily conditioned by the nasty stuff your ex says, and it sounds as though his primary end is to get out of this with maximum facetime and a minimum of actual effort or expense.
Making an appointment with a lawyer would not commit you to a protracted custody battle, or mean that you'd necessarily have to do anything at all to change the situation; but it would give you an educated outsider's perspective on how fair the current situation is, and what you'd stand to lose or gain by doing this through the courts. You really sound like you need an advocate in this.
posted by Bardolph at 7:56 PM on May 16, 2010 [2 favorites]
I was once in your daughter's situation, and it was my mother's insecurity (not the "fun times" with my dad that retrospectively were not all that fun) that made my life painful and stressful and lastingly damaged my relationship with my mother. If there is any way for you to get over it, I hope you find it, for both your lives.
I think most importantly you need to get the child support / financial stuff sorted out because it sounds like you are letting your ex take advantage of you and conflating all that resentment with the emotional issues. Lawyer up, hard. You deserve that money.
I don't know if you feel similarly to my mother, but I think with her it was her fear that because she could not provide me with "family", and felt guilty of depriving her child of a "family", and had to work so hard and had so little time for "fun" she would somehow lose me. Then she felt resentful of my dad letting me have a good time (and rersentful of me for being so shallow that I fell for it). She seemed to feel most at peace whenever I had an awful time with my dad - so after a while I would make sure that whenever I saw my dad I would up end up sick or miserable - for her sake. Literally, seeing my dad would make me sick all day. All children are different, many must be more resilient than me, but try to avoid that kind of pressure.
Also, you will always be her mother. Even if your child is swept away in an endless wave of parties and fun, your relationship with her will not change. The same qualities that made her run to you for a hug with a scraped knee or want to share something she made with you will persist. I never understood why my mother was worried in the first place. There was nothing so firmly fixed in my mind as that I loved and trusted my mother.
Perhaps I wooed my father more - but that was because he wasn't there, secure in my life, in the first place, and because he has a funloving but not very reliable personality. I loved my mother because of the way she loved me, and as securely as she herself loved me.
posted by Omnomnom at 2:54 AM on May 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
I think most importantly you need to get the child support / financial stuff sorted out because it sounds like you are letting your ex take advantage of you and conflating all that resentment with the emotional issues. Lawyer up, hard. You deserve that money.
I don't know if you feel similarly to my mother, but I think with her it was her fear that because she could not provide me with "family", and felt guilty of depriving her child of a "family", and had to work so hard and had so little time for "fun" she would somehow lose me. Then she felt resentful of my dad letting me have a good time (and rersentful of me for being so shallow that I fell for it). She seemed to feel most at peace whenever I had an awful time with my dad - so after a while I would make sure that whenever I saw my dad I would up end up sick or miserable - for her sake. Literally, seeing my dad would make me sick all day. All children are different, many must be more resilient than me, but try to avoid that kind of pressure.
Also, you will always be her mother. Even if your child is swept away in an endless wave of parties and fun, your relationship with her will not change. The same qualities that made her run to you for a hug with a scraped knee or want to share something she made with you will persist. I never understood why my mother was worried in the first place. There was nothing so firmly fixed in my mind as that I loved and trusted my mother.
Perhaps I wooed my father more - but that was because he wasn't there, secure in my life, in the first place, and because he has a funloving but not very reliable personality. I loved my mother because of the way she loved me, and as securely as she herself loved me.
posted by Omnomnom at 2:54 AM on May 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
It seems like your resentment is because you have to work so much to pay the bills while they get fun time with your daughter. Let him pay child support so you can have fun mommy-daughter time too. And if he's taking her to a family party, HE (or they) can dress her up. Enjoy the time you can with your daughter.
Why on earth would you allow him to make you feel about about his paying for his daughter's education and health insurance???? He's her father, not some random completely-unrelated person. He can only make you feel bad if you allow him to, because he's not doing anything extraordinary, just what he should.
Are you in therapy? Because it would help.
Your daughter loves you. You will always be her mommy. Don't forget that!
posted by Neekee at 11:54 AM on May 16, 2010 [1 favorite]