How to develop realistic expectations for starting a relationship?
January 26, 2010 8:05 AM Subscribe
How do I flush out my unrealistic-due-to-mental-illness expectations for starting a relationship? (Way more after the fold.)
I have and am on medication for bipolar disorder. Usually I'm pretty good but then winter comes around and my relative sanity comes crashing down around me. This year isn't so bad (I got a therapy light and am in a generally better and more stable state of mind) but I'm still feeling aftershocks from last year. Skip down to the last paragraph for the actual question if you'd like.
Long story medium: After a recent-at-the-time (and awful, and unnecessarily prolonged) breakup and while not realizing that I needed a (received, eventually) medication adjustment and suffering from SAD, I met a girl. Cue brainfire, limerence, intense crushing, whatever. She kept me at arm's length all the while (as we irregularly slept together,) and I remained incredibly determined to win her over if for any reason then because my previous relationship spent four months decaying into a mutual enmity and she was the first girl since to have shown me genuine (if limited) affection. Barely any of this 'relationship' was remotely healthy, 75% of it taking place entirely in my mind. She was always there, intruding on everything, all the time. I tried all sorts of mental tricks to get her out, to no avail.
(NB: one of the biggest components of my mental illness is thought-feedback-loops. The utter inability to get thoughts out of my head. It's usually limited to abstract things: song lyrics, phrases, etc. but this time it was experiences with a person. The mood stabilizers work wonderfully to stop that, but, like I said, I needed and adjustment and didn't realize it.)
Six months later, my perseverance having worked out somewhat, we were seeing one another regularly, meeting one another's friends, etc. I couldn't stand it being 'unofficial' anymore and told her that I was in love with her. The sentiment was not returned. I broke it off then and there, at the very apex of my feelings for her. If I had ever done anything in my life that made me consider myself a Man, that was it right there. It was the right thing to do and I have never doubted or regretted it. My relationship after her was intensely colored by her memory. All the time. Having recently left this latter relationship (on the mutual grounds that neither of us were actually into each other and just keeping up appearances for sex and comfort) I more-or-less got over her (the person) as well.
I can't get over the desire to be in a relationship as INTENSE as that one. Even though I'm well aware that the intensity was almost entirely due to a flare-up of the symptoms of mental illness. No part of the relationship was healthy and I felt mentally stressed and exhausted and generally shitty most of the time, mainly from feeling "neglected." I feel like a recovered addict trying to adjust to a drug-less life and missing the ephemeral highs while ignoring the horrible, ever-present withdrawal symptoms (and considering this is a neurochemical thing, I pretty much am.) I'm surrounded by close friends in generally healthy relationships (relationships that I have watched form) I know I shouldn't expect to have my heart go up in an inferno like it did. How do you, person who isn't me, deal with this? How do you acknowledge that luke-warm mutual appreciation and attraction can be a good start for a relationship?
"Therapy," unfortunately, isn't a workable solution just yet. I'm having a rough enough time paying for my psychiatrist (who is very, very good,) going to school and holding down a job.
I have and am on medication for bipolar disorder. Usually I'm pretty good but then winter comes around and my relative sanity comes crashing down around me. This year isn't so bad (I got a therapy light and am in a generally better and more stable state of mind) but I'm still feeling aftershocks from last year. Skip down to the last paragraph for the actual question if you'd like.
Long story medium: After a recent-at-the-time (and awful, and unnecessarily prolonged) breakup and while not realizing that I needed a (received, eventually) medication adjustment and suffering from SAD, I met a girl. Cue brainfire, limerence, intense crushing, whatever. She kept me at arm's length all the while (as we irregularly slept together,) and I remained incredibly determined to win her over if for any reason then because my previous relationship spent four months decaying into a mutual enmity and she was the first girl since to have shown me genuine (if limited) affection. Barely any of this 'relationship' was remotely healthy, 75% of it taking place entirely in my mind. She was always there, intruding on everything, all the time. I tried all sorts of mental tricks to get her out, to no avail.
(NB: one of the biggest components of my mental illness is thought-feedback-loops. The utter inability to get thoughts out of my head. It's usually limited to abstract things: song lyrics, phrases, etc. but this time it was experiences with a person. The mood stabilizers work wonderfully to stop that, but, like I said, I needed and adjustment and didn't realize it.)
Six months later, my perseverance having worked out somewhat, we were seeing one another regularly, meeting one another's friends, etc. I couldn't stand it being 'unofficial' anymore and told her that I was in love with her. The sentiment was not returned. I broke it off then and there, at the very apex of my feelings for her. If I had ever done anything in my life that made me consider myself a Man, that was it right there. It was the right thing to do and I have never doubted or regretted it. My relationship after her was intensely colored by her memory. All the time. Having recently left this latter relationship (on the mutual grounds that neither of us were actually into each other and just keeping up appearances for sex and comfort) I more-or-less got over her (the person) as well.
I can't get over the desire to be in a relationship as INTENSE as that one. Even though I'm well aware that the intensity was almost entirely due to a flare-up of the symptoms of mental illness. No part of the relationship was healthy and I felt mentally stressed and exhausted and generally shitty most of the time, mainly from feeling "neglected." I feel like a recovered addict trying to adjust to a drug-less life and missing the ephemeral highs while ignoring the horrible, ever-present withdrawal symptoms (and considering this is a neurochemical thing, I pretty much am.) I'm surrounded by close friends in generally healthy relationships (relationships that I have watched form) I know I shouldn't expect to have my heart go up in an inferno like it did. How do you, person who isn't me, deal with this? How do you acknowledge that luke-warm mutual appreciation and attraction can be a good start for a relationship?
"Therapy," unfortunately, isn't a workable solution just yet. I'm having a rough enough time paying for my psychiatrist (who is very, very good,) going to school and holding down a job.
Just curious, how many relationships have you been in in your life? Have you ever had one of those spectacular fireworks relationships with a person who you ended up dating for years?
Because by the two-year mark, the overwhelmingly vast majority of those relationships move past that explosions-going-off-in-your-brain stage. Ideally, they move into the warm, comfortable, deep love stage. But sometimes (maybe often) you wake up one day and look at the person and realize you can't even remember what you were thinking in the explosions stage
Maybe you're going to have to have another of those really intense relationships and be in it long enough to watch the intensity burn out, before you really feel the normalcy and okay-ness of all of this.
posted by Ashley801 at 8:32 AM on January 26, 2010 [2 favorites]
Because by the two-year mark, the overwhelmingly vast majority of those relationships move past that explosions-going-off-in-your-brain stage. Ideally, they move into the warm, comfortable, deep love stage. But sometimes (maybe often) you wake up one day and look at the person and realize you can't even remember what you were thinking in the explosions stage
Maybe you're going to have to have another of those really intense relationships and be in it long enough to watch the intensity burn out, before you really feel the normalcy and okay-ness of all of this.
posted by Ashley801 at 8:32 AM on January 26, 2010 [2 favorites]
Now, I am not a doctor, and I'm certainly not your doctor, but you mentioned having repetitive "thought-feedback-loops," which sounds to me like obsessive compulsive disorder. In other words, you may have a dual diagnosis: bipolar disorder and OCD. If you're not taking Prozac already, perhaps Prozac might work, because it has been effective in treating both depression and the obsessive thoughts that come with obsessive-compulsive disorder.
posted by jonp72 at 8:40 AM on January 26, 2010
posted by jonp72 at 8:40 AM on January 26, 2010
Long story medium: After a recent-at-the-time (and awful, and unnecessarily prolonged) breakup and while not realizing that I needed a (received, eventually) medication adjustment and suffering from SAD, I met a girl. Cue brainfire, limerence, intense crushing, whatever. She kept me at arm's length all the while (as we irregularly slept together,) and I remained incredibly determined to win her over if for any reason then because my previous relationship spent four months decaying into a mutual enmity and she was the first girl since to have shown me genuine (if limited) affection. Barely any of this 'relationship' was remotely healthy, 75% of it taking place entirely in my mind. She was always there, intruding on everything, all the time. I tried all sorts of mental tricks to get her out, to no avail.
This sounds completely normal. A previous relationship fails, you rebound into someone else, that person is somewhat indifferent (which makes you more determined/obsessive), you can't stop thinking about that person. I think the term you're looking for isn't "flare-up of mental illness" but rather "ordinary but unnecessary drama." Mental illness will certainly complicate things, but that really isn't an Oh God This Person Is So Crazy! series of events.
Plenty of relationships start off great but turn boring quickly, and you get out of them, and then you get into another one, and it gets boring, and eventually you find one that gives you the same sort of high as the emotionally unhelathy one except you'll end up feeling good all of the time. The reason people date is to test-drive other people - you don't get into these things looking to get married forever to the perfect person right off the bat. Just relax, keep looking for whatever you want to look for, no big deal, you'll figure it out eventually.
posted by soma lkzx at 9:19 AM on January 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
This sounds completely normal. A previous relationship fails, you rebound into someone else, that person is somewhat indifferent (which makes you more determined/obsessive), you can't stop thinking about that person. I think the term you're looking for isn't "flare-up of mental illness" but rather "ordinary but unnecessary drama." Mental illness will certainly complicate things, but that really isn't an Oh God This Person Is So Crazy! series of events.
Plenty of relationships start off great but turn boring quickly, and you get out of them, and then you get into another one, and it gets boring, and eventually you find one that gives you the same sort of high as the emotionally unhelathy one except you'll end up feeling good all of the time. The reason people date is to test-drive other people - you don't get into these things looking to get married forever to the perfect person right off the bat. Just relax, keep looking for whatever you want to look for, no big deal, you'll figure it out eventually.
posted by soma lkzx at 9:19 AM on January 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
Limerence happens to plenty of non-crazy people too.
posted by Jacqueline at 10:30 AM on January 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Jacqueline at 10:30 AM on January 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
Intensity of emotion is a hallmark of bipolar illness. It must have been difficult for her when you abruptly ended the relationship because she did not share your intensity. You may have more success if you date others with bipolar illness, but I recommend you learn to enjoy relationships with a lower fire; they are more sustainable.
posted by theora55 at 10:48 AM on January 26, 2010
posted by theora55 at 10:48 AM on January 26, 2010
"Therapy," unfortunately, isn't a workable solution just yet. I'm having a rough enough time paying for my psychiatrist (who is very, very good,) going to school and holding down a job.
Try harder. Therapy could really help. If you're going to school, they probably have resources to help you get free or very cheap therapy.
And if your relationships are anything like mine, if you can't afford therapy, you can't afford a relationship. :-)
posted by callmejay at 11:36 AM on January 26, 2010
Try harder. Therapy could really help. If you're going to school, they probably have resources to help you get free or very cheap therapy.
And if your relationships are anything like mine, if you can't afford therapy, you can't afford a relationship. :-)
posted by callmejay at 11:36 AM on January 26, 2010
Get your heart broken fast and HARD for the nth time and calm sanity, pleasant courtship, and a mature relationship will seem like the best idea ever. Your heart can and will race, it will just race for different reasons, reasons that will nurture and will last.
Nthing those who say that you need therapy, otherwise you will just be playing games with people, and that's not fair to them.
posted by micawber at 1:51 PM on January 26, 2010
Nthing those who say that you need therapy, otherwise you will just be playing games with people, and that's not fair to them.
posted by micawber at 1:51 PM on January 26, 2010
I can suggest four things that worked for me while in the throes of thought-feedback-loops:
1) Be gentle. My mind is pretty unsteady. My thoughts fly around, and my self-image tends to careen between self-aggrandizement and crushing self-flagellation. I want to crush the parts of myself that I don't like. This doesn't work. At all. It's hard to remember, but it's more helpful for me to take an attitude of gentle curiosity with my own mental eccentricities, rather than getting all sanctimonious with myself. If I'm yelling at myself, I'm more apt to listen.
2) Counting has been really helpful to me in getting through mental obsessions. The moment I notice a loop starting, I can count 1,2,3. The loop will try to interrupt. That's okay. That's the nature of loops. I start counting again. 1,2, 1,2,3,4, 1. Sometimes it takes a while but eventually my mind and I get bored and go do something else together.
3) When freaking out, I find it helpful to focus my eyes on something outside myself. Sometimes I also gently pat my chest. It's soothing and helps me calm down. Jon Kabat-Zinn has some mindfulness practices like this on tapes and videos that are not expensive.
4)Think it through. Some of the other postings above might help with this. You can acknowledge that the intensity of a new relationship feels great. A high is a high. But if you can stick with the scenario instead of only playing the romance tape, you might have room to consider the downside of that rush, maybe that it doesn't last, or it doesn't seem real, or it fills your head with intrusive thoughts.
One final thought: maybe there's not a binary here. Maybe there's a middle ground between a passionate but largely fantasy relationship and a real but humdrum relationship. Maybe you could have that kind of relationship with yourself first, and then later on somebody else too. Good luck.
posted by pessoa at 10:49 PM on January 27, 2010 [1 favorite]
1) Be gentle. My mind is pretty unsteady. My thoughts fly around, and my self-image tends to careen between self-aggrandizement and crushing self-flagellation. I want to crush the parts of myself that I don't like. This doesn't work. At all. It's hard to remember, but it's more helpful for me to take an attitude of gentle curiosity with my own mental eccentricities, rather than getting all sanctimonious with myself. If I'm yelling at myself, I'm more apt to listen.
2) Counting has been really helpful to me in getting through mental obsessions. The moment I notice a loop starting, I can count 1,2,3. The loop will try to interrupt. That's okay. That's the nature of loops. I start counting again. 1,2, 1,2,3,4, 1. Sometimes it takes a while but eventually my mind and I get bored and go do something else together.
3) When freaking out, I find it helpful to focus my eyes on something outside myself. Sometimes I also gently pat my chest. It's soothing and helps me calm down. Jon Kabat-Zinn has some mindfulness practices like this on tapes and videos that are not expensive.
4)Think it through. Some of the other postings above might help with this. You can acknowledge that the intensity of a new relationship feels great. A high is a high. But if you can stick with the scenario instead of only playing the romance tape, you might have room to consider the downside of that rush, maybe that it doesn't last, or it doesn't seem real, or it fills your head with intrusive thoughts.
One final thought: maybe there's not a binary here. Maybe there's a middle ground between a passionate but largely fantasy relationship and a real but humdrum relationship. Maybe you could have that kind of relationship with yourself first, and then later on somebody else too. Good luck.
posted by pessoa at 10:49 PM on January 27, 2010 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Afterward, the next time you find someone you are really into, you'll be amazed at how easy it is to have a good relationship. You#re thinking now that passion is about angst and with-holding and drama - it's really not. I'd never get back into the kind of relationship I was in then, because I know this now. But it took time out from the whole rollercoaster to realise what I wanted and needed, and for that to come along naturally.
posted by mippy at 8:12 AM on January 26, 2010 [1 favorite]