How to make friends at the college library?
March 30, 2011 9:22 PM Subscribe
You’re crushing on someone, hell, multiple someones, at the school library. Considering the ambiance, how do you approach that someone/s? Or DO you approach? Is the library off-limits? I really hope the library isn’t off limits. More on my hopes will follow …
A little background first: I’m a male in a small program at a large state university in the middle of no where; this is not exaggeration but a fact of geography. For the most part, the student body appears fairly homogenous—an unfair generalization probably; I know insides count. But it takes guts to look different here, or desperation. Guts or desperation.
In any case, I’m attracted to anomalies of both genders and the place where I most spot them is the library. There are cutie pies at the library. But also there are folk who exude my kind of folkiness. In fact, I’d qualify my crushing with “friend”—these are friend crushes, not so much Oh my loins ache for you type crushes. Although, yeah, okay, there’s some of that too. (It’s been a long winter.) But how to proceed?
Helpful scene setting: I tend to work and intermittently cast shy glances at folk in an area of the library that is pretty loungy. Big comfy seats, that kind of thing. Kindly enough, the someones I glance at return my glances. It’s pretty thrilling. Occasionally, they even position themselves strategically across from me. Then the glancing becomes more and more awkward until I run away. My impression is that the friend crush might be mutual??? But as loungy as the chairs and area of the library may seem, it’s still a library—we are working. Not even ostensibly working, but really being scholarly here. Plopping down beside a person whose voice is a mystery to you and chatting them up would be weird I think, if not shocking. I’d be rattled if it happened to me, and have to clear my throat excessively.
So what do I do? Anybody ever in a similar position? What worked? What didn’t? I don’t want to be a creep-o here; help me steer clear of creep-o territory. I don’t think I give off that vibe, but it could be like how you can’t smell yourself. Okay, basically, I need to hear that it’s somewhat appropriate to make exciting connections at the library and also possible.
Thanks.
A little background first: I’m a male in a small program at a large state university in the middle of no where; this is not exaggeration but a fact of geography. For the most part, the student body appears fairly homogenous—an unfair generalization probably; I know insides count. But it takes guts to look different here, or desperation. Guts or desperation.
In any case, I’m attracted to anomalies of both genders and the place where I most spot them is the library. There are cutie pies at the library. But also there are folk who exude my kind of folkiness. In fact, I’d qualify my crushing with “friend”—these are friend crushes, not so much Oh my loins ache for you type crushes. Although, yeah, okay, there’s some of that too. (It’s been a long winter.) But how to proceed?
Helpful scene setting: I tend to work and intermittently cast shy glances at folk in an area of the library that is pretty loungy. Big comfy seats, that kind of thing. Kindly enough, the someones I glance at return my glances. It’s pretty thrilling. Occasionally, they even position themselves strategically across from me. Then the glancing becomes more and more awkward until I run away. My impression is that the friend crush might be mutual??? But as loungy as the chairs and area of the library may seem, it’s still a library—we are working. Not even ostensibly working, but really being scholarly here. Plopping down beside a person whose voice is a mystery to you and chatting them up would be weird I think, if not shocking. I’d be rattled if it happened to me, and have to clear my throat excessively.
So what do I do? Anybody ever in a similar position? What worked? What didn’t? I don’t want to be a creep-o here; help me steer clear of creep-o territory. I don’t think I give off that vibe, but it could be like how you can’t smell yourself. Okay, basically, I need to hear that it’s somewhat appropriate to make exciting connections at the library and also possible.
Thanks.
Dude, there are millions of ways to meet people in college. Join clubs, talk to people in class, go to parties/bars/frat events, be that guy who makes friends while standing in line if you must. Please don't spit game in the library.
posted by 2bucksplus at 9:29 PM on March 30, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by 2bucksplus at 9:29 PM on March 30, 2011 [5 favorites]
I went to a school that doesn't have a student union. We just had the campus library. It was our everything.
If you're on a "quiet study" floor and you take an interest in someone, the protocol states that you discreetly suggest the two of you take a study break and head to the library coffee shop. That way you're not being a nuisance to others around you, you have a built-in conversation start topic ("Man, studying is tough. Midterms are coming!"), and you have a definite out if the conversation doesn't go as well as planned ("All right, gotta go back and study some more!").
posted by Nomyte at 9:32 PM on March 30, 2011 [1 favorite]
If you're on a "quiet study" floor and you take an interest in someone, the protocol states that you discreetly suggest the two of you take a study break and head to the library coffee shop. That way you're not being a nuisance to others around you, you have a built-in conversation start topic ("Man, studying is tough. Midterms are coming!"), and you have a definite out if the conversation doesn't go as well as planned ("All right, gotta go back and study some more!").
posted by Nomyte at 9:32 PM on March 30, 2011 [1 favorite]
Just realize that if people are regulars, they will notice if you are hanging out there just to pick up people.
Also, if someone does not appear interested after an initial approach, do not make them feel uncomfortable as you could make the library seem "unsafe" for them if they dread running into you there which would suck if they need to go there frequently.
posted by Elminster24 at 9:33 PM on March 30, 2011
Also, if someone does not appear interested after an initial approach, do not make them feel uncomfortable as you could make the library seem "unsafe" for them if they dread running into you there which would suck if they need to go there frequently.
posted by Elminster24 at 9:33 PM on March 30, 2011
Don't do it. Libraries are work spaces.
It's one up from interrupting people trying to study to talk about Jesus.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 9:33 PM on March 30, 2011 [4 favorites]
It's one up from interrupting people trying to study to talk about Jesus.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 9:33 PM on March 30, 2011 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Real quick before I get anymore "Dude, just join a club" responses, or "Dude, go par-tay and just like throw caution to the wind and ask her to be your beer pong partner." Are those supposed to be helpful? Can we keep it in the library please? Like make all answers specific to that environment and if you think the books smell dusty and I should keep my piddly game to myself then say that, but God, don't tell me to join a club and or join the kayaking society.
posted by sleeperhit11 at 9:35 PM on March 30, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by sleeperhit11 at 9:35 PM on March 30, 2011 [2 favorites]
Librarian here, it is ok to say "Hi" and give a little nod and smile. Don't be a pest. Then when you see the person on campus, say Hi again and start a conversation.
posted by fifilaru at 9:36 PM on March 30, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by fifilaru at 9:36 PM on March 30, 2011 [5 favorites]
Don't do it. Libraries are work spaces.
It's one up from interrupting people trying to study to talk about Jesus.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 12:33 AM on March 31
This. Speaking as someone who was approached multiple times in the college library* when I was a student, nothing pissed me off more than being approached by a man while I was deep in my study groove. I went to the library to study, not to flirt.
*...a library at a large college in the middle of one of America's larger cities, I might add. Couldn't these guys just go to a college bar like everyone else?
posted by magstheaxe at 9:48 PM on March 30, 2011 [3 favorites]
It's one up from interrupting people trying to study to talk about Jesus.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 12:33 AM on March 31
This. Speaking as someone who was approached multiple times in the college library* when I was a student, nothing pissed me off more than being approached by a man while I was deep in my study groove. I went to the library to study, not to flirt.
*...a library at a large college in the middle of one of America's larger cities, I might add. Couldn't these guys just go to a college bar like everyone else?
posted by magstheaxe at 9:48 PM on March 30, 2011 [3 favorites]
Real quick before I get anymore "Dude, just join a club" responses, or "Dude, go par-tay and just like throw caution to the wind and ask her to be your beer pong partner." Are those supposed to be helpful? Can we keep it in the library please? Like make all answers specific to that environment and if you think the books smell dusty and I should keep my piddly game to myself then say that, but God, don't tell me to join a club and or join the kayaking society.
This response makes you sound like the sort of person who maybe shouldn't be hitting on people in the library.
posted by grouse at 9:56 PM on March 30, 2011 [18 favorites]
This response makes you sound like the sort of person who maybe shouldn't be hitting on people in the library.
posted by grouse at 9:56 PM on March 30, 2011 [18 favorites]
One university I went to had a very social library; lots of big tables for groups study; lots of chatter; people would camp there all day, and inevitably it became a social place and you could even go there to sort of cruise around and meet people. Kind of annoying atmosphere if you were trying to study, but it is what is is. Another library on the same campus had a very different vibe: quiet, and everyone kept to themselves. So I don't think there is a universal standard here.
Can I suggest two courses of action, depending on which feels most appropriate:
1. Go say hi to the people who return your glances; or
2. Leave them a note with your name and phone number, before you run away.
posted by PercussivePaul at 9:58 PM on March 30, 2011
Can I suggest two courses of action, depending on which feels most appropriate:
1. Go say hi to the people who return your glances; or
2. Leave them a note with your name and phone number, before you run away.
posted by PercussivePaul at 9:58 PM on March 30, 2011
Don't hit on people in library. It's rude.
posted by PareidoliaticBoy at 10:03 PM on March 30, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by PareidoliaticBoy at 10:03 PM on March 30, 2011 [1 favorite]
I think if you want to connect with the person but don't want to interrupt his or her work, you can just walk up to the person and say something like: "Hey, I'm so sorry to interrupt you, but I noticed your [tattoo/pink hair/obscure band t-shirt/textbook from interesting class] and had to tell you [I think it looks awesome/they're my favorite band/I'm interested in taking that class too]. When you're ready for a study break, would you like to grab a cup of coffee [and discuss ___]?"
And/or you could go more heartfelt and say, "Hi, sorry to interrupt; I noticed ____ about you and it piqued my interest. It's been hard to meet cool people out here in the middle of nowhere. Would you like to grab a cup of coffee sometime? Great, let's exchange info, I'll let you get back to studying!"
I think it's fine to approach someone in the library as long as you keep it light, short, etc. But I also think you should try to catch the person somewhere else if possible to try to avoid interrupting their work. However, I don't think it's that uncommon for people to have short, friendly, quiet conversations in the library. People who need Absolute Silence and Uninterrupted Concentration tend to study elsewhere whenever possible.
posted by hansbrough at 10:06 PM on March 30, 2011 [5 favorites]
And/or you could go more heartfelt and say, "Hi, sorry to interrupt; I noticed ____ about you and it piqued my interest. It's been hard to meet cool people out here in the middle of nowhere. Would you like to grab a cup of coffee sometime? Great, let's exchange info, I'll let you get back to studying!"
I think it's fine to approach someone in the library as long as you keep it light, short, etc. But I also think you should try to catch the person somewhere else if possible to try to avoid interrupting their work. However, I don't think it's that uncommon for people to have short, friendly, quiet conversations in the library. People who need Absolute Silence and Uninterrupted Concentration tend to study elsewhere whenever possible.
posted by hansbrough at 10:06 PM on March 30, 2011 [5 favorites]
Usually I am like Greta Garbo, but in this specific instance I think my rigid no talking to people in public stance must be amended.
If people are making eye contact with you and it happens over an extended time period (like, you see them tuesday and then sunday and get the same eye contact and smile each time) you may proceed to greeting them with a quiet hello and observing their body language.
If they turn toward you and open their body like an interviewer on television (I use it as a helpful example of what I mean) and respond to your hello, you may proceed the next time (not the same occasion on which you initiate hello protocols!) to quietly introducing yourself and possibly offering a coffee break.
If at any point they rebuff you in the slightest way, do not proceed further. If you say hello on tuesday and they are open and smiling, but then on sunday they're closed off and cold shoulder you, you may not assume it is a fluke if on monday next they catch your eye again. The ball is in their court at that point to pick up or not.
And none of this presumes (and you may not presume) that even if you move through this labyrinthine dance to a coffee break that any romantic gestures would be appreciated. This advice assumes that you will get to know them before you drop your heart at their favored book carrel.
posted by winna at 10:07 PM on March 30, 2011 [7 favorites]
If people are making eye contact with you and it happens over an extended time period (like, you see them tuesday and then sunday and get the same eye contact and smile each time) you may proceed to greeting them with a quiet hello and observing their body language.
If they turn toward you and open their body like an interviewer on television (I use it as a helpful example of what I mean) and respond to your hello, you may proceed the next time (not the same occasion on which you initiate hello protocols!) to quietly introducing yourself and possibly offering a coffee break.
If at any point they rebuff you in the slightest way, do not proceed further. If you say hello on tuesday and they are open and smiling, but then on sunday they're closed off and cold shoulder you, you may not assume it is a fluke if on monday next they catch your eye again. The ball is in their court at that point to pick up or not.
And none of this presumes (and you may not presume) that even if you move through this labyrinthine dance to a coffee break that any romantic gestures would be appreciated. This advice assumes that you will get to know them before you drop your heart at their favored book carrel.
posted by winna at 10:07 PM on March 30, 2011 [7 favorites]
winna's post reminded me -- I meant to mention that if you are having this exchange of glances, it would be perfectly acceptable to approach the person. I like winna's method.
In fact, I think having lengthy reciprocal glances and not speaking at any point is kind of weird and venturing into creepy.
posted by hansbrough at 10:10 PM on March 30, 2011
In fact, I think having lengthy reciprocal glances and not speaking at any point is kind of weird and venturing into creepy.
posted by hansbrough at 10:10 PM on March 30, 2011
The first most important thing is to let people study undisturbed, unless it's very clear that they are open to communicating.
The second most important thing is to make sure that you leave your fedora at home when you go to the library.
posted by anonnymoose at 10:27 PM on March 30, 2011 [3 favorites]
The second most important thing is to make sure that you leave your fedora at home when you go to the library.
posted by anonnymoose at 10:27 PM on March 30, 2011 [3 favorites]
Exchange of glances could also mean, "Why is this guy staring at me while I'm trying to study? Do I know him or something?"
Honestly, I would feel very uncomfortable if someone approached me in the library as it's where I go to be alone and concentrate.
Like someone else mentioned, if you see them outside of the library, say Hi or something and see where it goes from there.
posted by KogeLiz at 10:29 PM on March 30, 2011 [2 favorites]
Honestly, I would feel very uncomfortable if someone approached me in the library as it's where I go to be alone and concentrate.
Like someone else mentioned, if you see them outside of the library, say Hi or something and see where it goes from there.
posted by KogeLiz at 10:29 PM on March 30, 2011 [2 favorites]
The protocol in my day was pretty clear: after you've seen each other a few times on different days, and you guys are familiar but still haven't said hi, one of the parties walks over to the other and says, "Hey, are you going to be here a while? I'm just going to be gone five or ten minutes, can you keep an eye on my things for a sec?", pointing at all the books and notes sprawled over your table or study cubicle.
Then when the person that leaves eventually comes back, they just make some comment like, "Hey, thanks, I'm back now... You look so engrossed in the books; I bet you study [history/law/whatever], right?"
And if the other person is receptive they'll start chatting. Unreceptive would be "Yeah, history." and that would be a sign that the person didn't feel like chatting.
Of course, I didn't know any of this shit back then, so I got really sick of having to look after all of this stuff for these cute, shy studious girls, when all I wanted to do was trying to concentrate on the pages of lecture notes in front of me. And I kept wondering how come I could never meet girls. Truly.
posted by surenoproblem at 10:48 PM on March 30, 2011 [23 favorites]
Then when the person that leaves eventually comes back, they just make some comment like, "Hey, thanks, I'm back now... You look so engrossed in the books; I bet you study [history/law/whatever], right?"
And if the other person is receptive they'll start chatting. Unreceptive would be "Yeah, history." and that would be a sign that the person didn't feel like chatting.
Of course, I didn't know any of this shit back then, so I got really sick of having to look after all of this stuff for these cute, shy studious girls, when all I wanted to do was trying to concentrate on the pages of lecture notes in front of me. And I kept wondering how come I could never meet girls. Truly.
posted by surenoproblem at 10:48 PM on March 30, 2011 [23 favorites]
Data point for future commenters: our OP's account is disabled...already.
posted by mykescipark at 10:51 PM on March 30, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by mykescipark at 10:51 PM on March 30, 2011 [2 favorites]
Okay, basically, I need to hear that it’s somewhat appropriate to make exciting connections at the library and also possible.
Problem is, when you ask a question, you're going to get answers that may not be what you want to hear.
Obviously.
posted by KogeLiz at 10:54 PM on March 30, 2011 [1 favorite]
Problem is, when you ask a question, you're going to get answers that may not be what you want to hear.
Obviously.
posted by KogeLiz at 10:54 PM on March 30, 2011 [1 favorite]
As a data-point, I went to a respectable midwestern private college where, after four years, if you hadn't had sex in the school library something was deeply wrong with you. (Usually in the government document repository. Nobody ever went down there except for boning down.)
posted by bardic at 10:57 PM on March 30, 2011
posted by bardic at 10:57 PM on March 30, 2011
As a frequent library flier, I'd like to request anybody who uses the library as a pick up zone to please be considerate of the other people around you. If you approach somebody and it turns out they're receptive to chatting, good for you. But keep the conversation quiet and short. Like under 5 minutes short. If the conversation's going well after 5 minutes then it's time to relocate; the rest of us aren't interested in listening to you two flirt. Besides, the dirty looks are going to cramp your style.
posted by lilac girl at 11:09 PM on March 30, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by lilac girl at 11:09 PM on March 30, 2011 [2 favorites]
I never did any flirting in the library (or, i guess, in college period) but there was certainly a chair in the school library's upper floors inscribed with a brief description and date to commemorate someone's conquest.
posted by pullayup at 11:15 PM on March 30, 2011
posted by pullayup at 11:15 PM on March 30, 2011
I have always been told never to pick up women at the beach. Walking up to a woman in a bikini is declaring you care more for looks then personality, and you don't want to date women that puts up with this.
I think libraries offer the opposite and the chance to be classy.
Every library I have ever been in has a social spot and a study area. I have actually...drum roll please...hung out in a library for fun. I have friends who met future girl friends in a library. The trick is having a classy excuse to talk to someone, and knowing who to not talk to.
If someone has their nose two inches from a book or screen and is doing nothing but typing or writing notes and reading, chances are the want space. On the other hand, someone looking for a book, someone talking to a friend, someone waiting for someone else, much more approachable.
The real trick with any campus is to have a good excuse to talk with someone, libraries offer great examples of this. I can look at a stack of books and tell you the exact class someone is taking in my department. Any book someone is reading that you have already read is a good conversation starter. Seeing someone more then a few times is also a good excuse. Accept rejection and move along fast. Good luck, and remember that in general; a smile and genuine interest is always better then a cheap pick up line.
posted by Felex at 12:30 AM on March 31, 2011
I think libraries offer the opposite and the chance to be classy.
Every library I have ever been in has a social spot and a study area. I have actually...drum roll please...hung out in a library for fun. I have friends who met future girl friends in a library. The trick is having a classy excuse to talk to someone, and knowing who to not talk to.
If someone has their nose two inches from a book or screen and is doing nothing but typing or writing notes and reading, chances are the want space. On the other hand, someone looking for a book, someone talking to a friend, someone waiting for someone else, much more approachable.
The real trick with any campus is to have a good excuse to talk with someone, libraries offer great examples of this. I can look at a stack of books and tell you the exact class someone is taking in my department. Any book someone is reading that you have already read is a good conversation starter. Seeing someone more then a few times is also a good excuse. Accept rejection and move along fast. Good luck, and remember that in general; a smile and genuine interest is always better then a cheap pick up line.
posted by Felex at 12:30 AM on March 31, 2011
Depends on context and situation. At my college some areas of the library were very social and people went there specifically because they wanted to be seen and socialize. If someone is sitting in a very public, visible part of the library, is looking around, and displaying open body language, I think it's okay to aproach and make small talk. But if they're in a secluded area and clearly concentrating on something, I'd say best not to approach at that moment.
posted by bearette at 1:38 AM on March 31, 2011
posted by bearette at 1:38 AM on March 31, 2011
No chatting in the library. But if you've been exchanging glances for a while, by all means drop a note with your number at their desk when you leave. Or if you have both been working for an hour or more, walk past them on your way to go get coffee and say something like, "Hey, I'm off for a coffee break. Would you like to join me?"
The latter only works if you are very bold, or if the glance exchanging and shy smiles has been going on for weeks.
posted by lollusc at 3:28 AM on March 31, 2011
The latter only works if you are very bold, or if the glance exchanging and shy smiles has been going on for weeks.
posted by lollusc at 3:28 AM on March 31, 2011
I'll expand on my previous answer.
When I was at uni I ran with the student politicians, and I and my colleagues were absolutely shameless about approaching people for whichever cause it was we happened to be talking about at that time. The war(s), the Government's higher ed policy, industrial relations, the SRC elections, anything. We were a great deal more relentless than the most assertive of evangelical religious groups in getting in the faces of students. I, myself, have crowded lecturers from out in front of the start of their own classes. Makes the hair stand up on my neck just to think about the social lines I stamped across.
The one sacred zone everybody always respected, though, was the library—you just don't mess with people's reading time.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 3:33 AM on March 31, 2011
When I was at uni I ran with the student politicians, and I and my colleagues were absolutely shameless about approaching people for whichever cause it was we happened to be talking about at that time. The war(s), the Government's higher ed policy, industrial relations, the SRC elections, anything. We were a great deal more relentless than the most assertive of evangelical religious groups in getting in the faces of students. I, myself, have crowded lecturers from out in front of the start of their own classes. Makes the hair stand up on my neck just to think about the social lines I stamped across.
The one sacred zone everybody always respected, though, was the library—you just don't mess with people's reading time.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 3:33 AM on March 31, 2011
Librarian here, and I think it's totally appropriate in the right context. My small liberal arts college didn't have a student center; the main floor of the library was a very social place. Other areas of the library were quiet study areas, but the loungey chair areas were ok for chatter. If it's in keeping with the library culture at your school, go for it!
posted by banjo_and_the_pork at 4:06 AM on March 31, 2011
posted by banjo_and_the_pork at 4:06 AM on March 31, 2011
"Hi. Whatcha reading?"*
I kid. If you have a library with a relaxed social space and they're just hanging out in there, it's okay, but otherwise I recommend avoiding this. The people who go to the library go there because they want to study uninterrupted, otherwise they'd be studying in their rooms.
More importantly, people in the library don't have a comfortable out. They've got all their books and notes spread out around them, and often un-checked-out books, so they can't easily pick up and leave if someone approaches them and overstays their welcome (I'm not saying you would, but it's best to approach new people by giving them lots of space).
If you've been exchanging glances and especially smiles, asking the other person to go on a coffee break is a really good idea and might be really charming, but don't take it the wrong way if they decline - maybe they're just in a studying groove. Or try and start a conversation if you see them outside the library - "hey, I see you in the library all the time, and it's weird that I know your face but not your name."
*Since you are new here, OP (if you're still reading this or un-disable your account), you might not be aware of the epic epic thread of this title - the tl;dr version is that most women get approached startlingly often, and many of the men who approach them will either fail to pick up the woman's discomfort, or turn aggressive and harsh no matter how diplomatically she rebuffs them, or worse. As a result, most women often tend to be uncomfortable with strangers approaching them in public, and want to flee. This doesn't mean that you are a creep - you might be the coolest guy ever - but it's impossible for me to figure out whether the guy who's just interrupted me is a potential new BFF or someone I need to avoid. Anyway, that thread is a really good (if sometimes uncomfortable) read, and still in a lot of people's minds around here, and many of the responses to "how do I approach people?" AskMes are going to be tinged with that. That said, it is AWESOME that you want to take the initiative and make friends, and I don't think anyone wants to discourage you from that. Just be sensitive about your creepometer. If you think something might come off as creepy, better to avoid.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:47 AM on March 31, 2011 [6 favorites]
I kid. If you have a library with a relaxed social space and they're just hanging out in there, it's okay, but otherwise I recommend avoiding this. The people who go to the library go there because they want to study uninterrupted, otherwise they'd be studying in their rooms.
More importantly, people in the library don't have a comfortable out. They've got all their books and notes spread out around them, and often un-checked-out books, so they can't easily pick up and leave if someone approaches them and overstays their welcome (I'm not saying you would, but it's best to approach new people by giving them lots of space).
If you've been exchanging glances and especially smiles, asking the other person to go on a coffee break is a really good idea and might be really charming, but don't take it the wrong way if they decline - maybe they're just in a studying groove. Or try and start a conversation if you see them outside the library - "hey, I see you in the library all the time, and it's weird that I know your face but not your name."
*Since you are new here, OP (if you're still reading this or un-disable your account), you might not be aware of the epic epic thread of this title - the tl;dr version is that most women get approached startlingly often, and many of the men who approach them will either fail to pick up the woman's discomfort, or turn aggressive and harsh no matter how diplomatically she rebuffs them, or worse. As a result, most women often tend to be uncomfortable with strangers approaching them in public, and want to flee. This doesn't mean that you are a creep - you might be the coolest guy ever - but it's impossible for me to figure out whether the guy who's just interrupted me is a potential new BFF or someone I need to avoid. Anyway, that thread is a really good (if sometimes uncomfortable) read, and still in a lot of people's minds around here, and many of the responses to "how do I approach people?" AskMes are going to be tinged with that. That said, it is AWESOME that you want to take the initiative and make friends, and I don't think anyone wants to discourage you from that. Just be sensitive about your creepometer. If you think something might come off as creepy, better to avoid.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:47 AM on March 31, 2011 [6 favorites]
Try to get a work study job at the library desk! You're sure to meet some of the library regulars this way.
posted by bubonicpeg at 4:55 AM on March 31, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by bubonicpeg at 4:55 AM on March 31, 2011 [1 favorite]
If you combed through MetaFilter and looked for every place where someone requested that nobody ever approach them for purposes of potential dating, then combined that into a list, that would be identical to a list of pretty much all places, ever. Were everyone to then take that as gospel, the human race would have its sole method of reproduction reduced to a lot of anonymous IVF.
It's about the social cues you can hopefully pick up, not the location.
posted by adipocere at 5:00 AM on March 31, 2011 [3 favorites]
It's about the social cues you can hopefully pick up, not the location.
posted by adipocere at 5:00 AM on March 31, 2011 [3 favorites]
Well, the poster seems to have had an epiphany of sorts. ( Cripes! Maybe he met someone) .
Anyway, if you're still reading, as much as some people might like to think that life is a non-stop hook-up fest, it really isn't. Women who need to study should be free to go the place on their campus specifically designed and equipped to facilitate this, and not also be burdened by any need to diplomatically deal with guys hitting on them. They get hit-on in class, in the halls, on the street, in the grocery store, in the cafeteria, in their residence. They have no choice in the matter, they need a place where they can get some frikken work done.
While it's possible (and likely) that a good proportion of the student body want, and are flattered by, this kind of unremitting and unsolicited interaction, it's definitively true that a significant proportion are not. The error in behavior here then needs to be skewed toward that side of the equation, or else you've eliminated that person's right to study in the space specifically intended to be used that way. It's not fair to those who find this constant fending-off of unwanted attention unnerving and jarring. There is a time and place for this kind of the thing, but the library ain't it.
posted by PareidoliaticBoy at 5:21 AM on March 31, 2011 [2 favorites]
Anyway, if you're still reading, as much as some people might like to think that life is a non-stop hook-up fest, it really isn't. Women who need to study should be free to go the place on their campus specifically designed and equipped to facilitate this, and not also be burdened by any need to diplomatically deal with guys hitting on them. They get hit-on in class, in the halls, on the street, in the grocery store, in the cafeteria, in their residence. They have no choice in the matter, they need a place where they can get some frikken work done.
While it's possible (and likely) that a good proportion of the student body want, and are flattered by, this kind of unremitting and unsolicited interaction, it's definitively true that a significant proportion are not. The error in behavior here then needs to be skewed toward that side of the equation, or else you've eliminated that person's right to study in the space specifically intended to be used that way. It's not fair to those who find this constant fending-off of unwanted attention unnerving and jarring. There is a time and place for this kind of the thing, but the library ain't it.
posted by PareidoliaticBoy at 5:21 AM on March 31, 2011 [2 favorites]
I think people are being pretty harsh on the OP. Yes, libraries are for studying, not flirting...just like churches are for praying, workplaces are for working, hospitals are for sick people. But sometimes you're in a particular environment that is conducive to meeting like-minded people - and while I wouldn't advocate a cold approach on someone who is clearly in the midst of studying and hasn't shown any bit of interest, I don't see the problem in going over to say hello to someone who has made eye contact a few times and smiled.
I don't get why everyone is acting like this is some sort of egregious attack on women's rights.
posted by ladybird at 6:17 AM on March 31, 2011 [1 favorite]
I don't get why everyone is acting like this is some sort of egregious attack on women's rights.
posted by ladybird at 6:17 AM on March 31, 2011 [1 favorite]
Let me restate more fairly: I don't get why some people are acting like this is some sort of egregious attack on women's rights.
posted by ladybird at 6:21 AM on March 31, 2011
posted by ladybird at 6:21 AM on March 31, 2011
I like hansbrough's and winna's answers. And I agree with ladybird that people seem in general pretty unnecessarily harsh in here; I think that in the loungey, semi-social part of the library, it is completely okay to make small talk with people who are smiling and making eye contact with you, and it'd be totally reasonable to say something like, "hey, wanna take a study break and grab some coffee?".
Also, I'm pretty awkward, so maybe people disagree, but some people have suggested handing your friend-crushes a note with your phone number. That'd completely weird me out.
One time in the college library, I met someone I didn't know very well in the library and we spent an hour or so putting together a jigsaw puzzle. In retrospect, it was excruciatingly awkward in that "oh man, I really like this girl and I'm really nervous and have no idea what to say and I hope I don't mess up and make her realize how weird and awkward I am but I'm really glad we're hanging out" kind of way, but it was also a very early step in getting to know my best friend. That was a little different from what you're talking about 'cause the library wasn't the first place we met, but maybe it's evidence that exciting connections can be made in the library.
posted by Vibrissa at 6:37 AM on March 31, 2011 [1 favorite]
Also, I'm pretty awkward, so maybe people disagree, but some people have suggested handing your friend-crushes a note with your phone number. That'd completely weird me out.
One time in the college library, I met someone I didn't know very well in the library and we spent an hour or so putting together a jigsaw puzzle. In retrospect, it was excruciatingly awkward in that "oh man, I really like this girl and I'm really nervous and have no idea what to say and I hope I don't mess up and make her realize how weird and awkward I am but I'm really glad we're hanging out" kind of way, but it was also a very early step in getting to know my best friend. That was a little different from what you're talking about 'cause the library wasn't the first place we met, but maybe it's evidence that exciting connections can be made in the library.
posted by Vibrissa at 6:37 AM on March 31, 2011 [1 favorite]
I don't get why some people are acting like this is some sort of egregious attack on women's rights.
It's not. Some people while studying/working in the library don't like to be bothered by strangers.
Also, the OP never mentioned that these people were smiling at him. He said they returned eye contact. Like I mentioned before, while this could be a sign of interest, it very well could be a sign of "Why is this guy staring at me? Do I know him? This is uncomfortable. Who is he?"
I've never been to a library where there is a "social section", so maybe I'm missing something.
Even the OP says But as loungy as the chairs and area of the library may seem, it’s still a library—we are working. Not even ostensibly working, but really being scholarly here
The OP took offense to the advice that maybe he should join some clubs and meet people other ways other than in a quiet library where people are studying. But I agree with that advice. Or at least talk them outside of the library if he runs into them again.
posted by KogeLiz at 9:43 AM on March 31, 2011 [1 favorite]
It's not. Some people while studying/working in the library don't like to be bothered by strangers.
Also, the OP never mentioned that these people were smiling at him. He said they returned eye contact. Like I mentioned before, while this could be a sign of interest, it very well could be a sign of "Why is this guy staring at me? Do I know him? This is uncomfortable. Who is he?"
I've never been to a library where there is a "social section", so maybe I'm missing something.
Even the OP says But as loungy as the chairs and area of the library may seem, it’s still a library—we are working. Not even ostensibly working, but really being scholarly here
The OP took offense to the advice that maybe he should join some clubs and meet people other ways other than in a quiet library where people are studying. But I agree with that advice. Or at least talk them outside of the library if he runs into them again.
posted by KogeLiz at 9:43 AM on March 31, 2011 [1 favorite]
Just take Propinquity / Proximity Theory and leverage it. Day one, exchange glances. Day two, when your leaving walk by them and say "Hi" and keep going. Day three, when your leaving, walk by them and say "How are you?" and keep rolling. Day four, make one stupid small talk comment like "I thought I studied hard, your're here more than I am. I'm Jason. Hope you ace your exam" and keep rolling. After that, you can start engaging them on a more personal level.
Unless you want to be come off as a creep, a player, or a bull in a china shop, you have to start with small interactions and build up from there. It doesn't take long, you just have to ramp up. That is it. It works. I promise.
posted by jasondigitized at 9:45 AM on March 31, 2011 [3 favorites]
Unless you want to be come off as a creep, a player, or a bull in a china shop, you have to start with small interactions and build up from there. It doesn't take long, you just have to ramp up. That is it. It works. I promise.
posted by jasondigitized at 9:45 AM on March 31, 2011 [3 favorites]
I've never been to a library where there is a "social section", so maybe I'm missing something.
Maybe that explains what I'm perceiving as harshness on the part of some answerers. At my college library, it was pretty clearly understood that the more serious you were about studying, the deeper into the library you'd go (the bottom floor was basically silent, and the top was a pretty regular place for group meetings and collaborative work (the assumption on the top floor was that yeah, you were there to work, but you wouldn't necessarily mind being interrupted)). If other people's libraries are more like the lower floors of mine, then I agree, it'd be weird to start talking to strangers.
The OP took offense to the advice that maybe he should join some clubs and meet people other ways other than in a quiet library where people are studying.
The OP took offense to an answer that didn't address his question. I kinda think he overreacted (shared interests being a nice basis for friendship, classes and clubs are both good places to make friends), but I also think the "go to bars and frat parties" part of the answer was pretty out of touch with the tone he set in the question.
posted by Vibrissa at 10:17 AM on March 31, 2011
Maybe that explains what I'm perceiving as harshness on the part of some answerers. At my college library, it was pretty clearly understood that the more serious you were about studying, the deeper into the library you'd go (the bottom floor was basically silent, and the top was a pretty regular place for group meetings and collaborative work (the assumption on the top floor was that yeah, you were there to work, but you wouldn't necessarily mind being interrupted)). If other people's libraries are more like the lower floors of mine, then I agree, it'd be weird to start talking to strangers.
The OP took offense to the advice that maybe he should join some clubs and meet people other ways other than in a quiet library where people are studying.
The OP took offense to an answer that didn't address his question. I kinda think he overreacted (shared interests being a nice basis for friendship, classes and clubs are both good places to make friends), but I also think the "go to bars and frat parties" part of the answer was pretty out of touch with the tone he set in the question.
posted by Vibrissa at 10:17 AM on March 31, 2011
The OP took offense to an answer that didn't address his question.
It totally addressed his question. It said not to do this in the library in no uncertain terms. Then it offered some useful alternative ways of meeting people. He came in here explicitly asking for people to tell him that what he wanted to do is appropriate. When he didn't get the answer he wanted to hear, yeah, he overreacted a bit. And, sleeperhit11, if that's how you react when you don't get an answer you like, you should not be imposing yourself on other people in a sort of dicey situation like the library.
posted by grouse at 10:41 AM on March 31, 2011
It totally addressed his question. It said not to do this in the library in no uncertain terms. Then it offered some useful alternative ways of meeting people. He came in here explicitly asking for people to tell him that what he wanted to do is appropriate. When he didn't get the answer he wanted to hear, yeah, he overreacted a bit. And, sleeperhit11, if that's how you react when you don't get an answer you like, you should not be imposing yourself on other people in a sort of dicey situation like the library.
posted by grouse at 10:41 AM on March 31, 2011
I'd be really interested to know the stats on the longevity of relationships that start based on an across-the-room attraction versus people that meet through mutual interests/friends. (To be honest I'm not even sure if a relationship is what the OP is after).
This is a totally personal thing, but every relationship I've had has started on the basis of friendship. Perhaps I'm too neurotic, but the idea of approaching someone cold, in a bar or even a library, essentially says "Hi, I don't give a damn about your personality, but I noticed you have purty hair."
Don't get me wrong, I am not discounting the importance of a physical attraction, but I feel the split is probably 75/25 personality versus physical attraction (at least for relationships that are long term).
posted by smithsmith at 1:42 PM on March 31, 2011
This is a totally personal thing, but every relationship I've had has started on the basis of friendship. Perhaps I'm too neurotic, but the idea of approaching someone cold, in a bar or even a library, essentially says "Hi, I don't give a damn about your personality, but I noticed you have purty hair."
Don't get me wrong, I am not discounting the importance of a physical attraction, but I feel the split is probably 75/25 personality versus physical attraction (at least for relationships that are long term).
posted by smithsmith at 1:42 PM on March 31, 2011
I'm a library assistant in a library full of high-powered nerdy types. Even in this environment, I see students make (quiet) chit chat all the time -- they go to the same university, do some of the same classes, spend alllll their spare time in the library and have a lot in common. So: if someone seems receptive to chit chat (like, their nose isn't actually buried in an enormous textbook) I think it's totally okay to sort of follow the script offered upthread. I'd start from the assumption that you share a lot of small talk fodder, and segue into having a cup of coffee or something when you're taking a break from studying.
I think other commenters upthread have the "don't be an entitled douche" angle covered: obviously, be respectful of other people's time and space, don't interrupt people when they're concentrating and try not bug other students. But I don't think meeting in a library is that different from meeting in any other space on campus.
posted by the cat's pyjamas at 2:08 PM on March 31, 2011
I think other commenters upthread have the "don't be an entitled douche" angle covered: obviously, be respectful of other people's time and space, don't interrupt people when they're concentrating and try not bug other students. But I don't think meeting in a library is that different from meeting in any other space on campus.
posted by the cat's pyjamas at 2:08 PM on March 31, 2011
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Just keep it down in there, alright?
posted by tapesonthefloor at 9:28 PM on March 30, 2011 [1 favorite]