He's nice, but I don't want to be friends with someone I don't really want to be friends with

January 17, 2007 9:46 PM

How do I go about NOT making friends?

So about a month or so ago, I was out with a group of friends. A guy I had met a few times before was there. Nice guy, whatever. He asks me out. We go out twice, no chemistry, I'm not really looking for a relationship anyway. I send him a message essentially saying "hey you are a nice guy, but I'm not really interested, I'm sure I'll see you around". He writes back saying "yeah, I'm not all that into it either, but let's hang out as friends, let's get coffee".
Thing is, we have nothing in common as friends either. Our conversation is awkward and forced and I don't really want to be 'just friends' with him either for two main reasons A) I'm pretty busy and I'm happy and pretty solidly socially booked with the friends that I have and B) he runs in the same crowd I do and I don't totally want to blow him off bc I don't want to have an awkward run in.
I've already cancelled on one coffee date last minute hoping that he would kinda get the hint, but he hasn't. I really don't think he's trying to try and weasel his way into a dating situation or anything bc I know he goes out with lots of different women and he's not lacking for company and he's just a really nice guy. I just don't think he feels as awkward as I do.
So, what do I do?

posted by greta simone to human relations (23 comments total)

Answers previous
posted by Listener at 9:50 PM on January 17, 2007

There's a great moment in The Simpsons (I think) when one character says to another who they are trying to shake at a party: "I have to go and stand over here now". They then walk away and stand about ten feet distant as if they had come in alone..
posted by unSane at 10:00 PM on January 17, 2007

I have the opposite problem. I just don't really like people, or interacting with people IRL.

Kid sat in front of me in class the other day. Kept asking questions and talking. I finally just said "I'm working here." He muttered something and walked off. It got rid of him - and I didn't feel bad, I was working and he was annoying.

Just ignore him. When he emails you, delete it. When he talks to you, say "I'm too busy to have any kind of relationship with you".

Or send him this thread.
posted by jesirose at 10:03 PM on January 17, 2007

This question about Dodging a nice person might also be relevent.
posted by occhiblu at 10:04 PM on January 17, 2007

He's hoping he'll grow on you. Be busy for a month, see him once, busy for a month, see him once. That covers you with the friends, and you have the space you need.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:05 PM on January 17, 2007

Ok, well then let me re-phrase in a way to emphasize a certain part of my question:

I live in a very small town where whoever you do not want to see you will run into. Everyone walks. Everyone hangs out at the same place. He is friends with my friends. I can't really avoid him or make up excuses (I have to go out of town, etc) bc I will run into him. I just happens. Also I feel like I can't be too straight-forward bc our mutual friends will be all "what the fuck, what's wrong with him" and I'll be seen as bitchy.

Mostly, I want to be friends with him in a large group, just not one on one. And that's what the previous links don't seem to be helping me with. I already gave him the "see ya 'round" line, but he doesn't get it.

I'm thinking there's just not a solution here.

help
posted by greta simone at 10:16 PM on January 17, 2007

Oh ok. Ironmouth has a good suggestion. Keep them coming
posted by greta simone at 10:17 PM on January 17, 2007

Mostly, I want to be friends with him in a large group, just not one on one

Tell him that. You'll be being honest, and as a bonus he'll probably feel so horrible and humiliated he'll start avoiding you completely.

Ok, I am being sort of sarcastic, but there is no such thing as "want[ing]... to be friends with him in a large group [only]" That is an acquaintance at best, actually more like a stranger you tolerate. You have no interest in being friends with him, so say whatever you need to say to get rid of him while saving face among your social group.
posted by drjimmy11 at 10:25 PM on January 17, 2007

Does your group of friends make plans for group activities? I'd probably just start answering his requests for one-on-one activities with "I'm really busy right now, but I'll see you at the party on Saturday" or "Things are just really a bit crazy. Maybe we'll run into each other at the X next week" or whatever. You don't want the one-on-one, you do want the group interaction, so say no to the one-on-one requests and stay positive about the group interactions.
posted by occhiblu at 10:29 PM on January 17, 2007 [1 favorite]

I think I would keep answering requests to do something together with group suggestions. "Am I doing anything? Well, I was thinking of going to the movies with Alice and Bob, why don't you go too?" Or, "well, are you going to be at Carol's party? Maybe I'll see you there." He'll either get it from that after a while, or fall for someone else anyway.

My bet (unsubstantiated except for a gut feel) is, he's got a buddy telling him you'd be perfect for him and look interested in him, for secret evil reasons of this buddy's own.
posted by ctmf at 10:34 PM on January 17, 2007 [1 favorite]

Pick someone else you don't like and keep telling them they are perfect for each other. Bonus points if they are of the opposite sex.
posted by magikker at 11:03 PM on January 17, 2007

Keep your meetings with him but always invite along a few other people. Common friends shouldn't make it that suspicious and should probably make awkward coffee a tad more interesting.
posted by kaydo at 11:10 PM on January 17, 2007

Just keep cancelling the 'coffee' dates. They will move on.
posted by Totally Zanzibarin' Ya at 12:42 AM on January 18, 2007

Cancelling the coffee dates is a sucky thing to do to anybody. Sorry. Ditto other forms of indefinite dodging. Plus, it's a lasting burden on you.

You have the same circle of friends? Send a message. Shouldn't be hard to pick someone who will understand and convey the right amount of "she doesn't want me to say anything, but..."
posted by dreamsign at 1:51 AM on January 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

Invite some of your common friends to join you. That way you don't blow him off and you may still have a good time.
posted by chrisch at 4:28 AM on January 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

Just be too busy. That's what "busy" usually means anyway, if you really like the person, you make time for them regardless of how busy you actually are.
posted by desuetude at 6:49 AM on January 18, 2007 [2 favorites]

Best way to keep a weirdo away is to A) answer as many questions that he asks you with one-worded answers. For example:
guy: "what did you do this weekend?" you: "nothing"
guy: "you like coffee?" you: "no"

Also pretend you can't understand or hear him after everything he says so he's forced to repeat:
guy: "what are you up to?" you: "huh?"

Throw in "why?" whenever possible:
guy: "so where are you from?" you: "why?"

This will make talking to you difficult and not appealing. Therefore he will refrain from doing so.
posted by deeman at 6:49 AM on January 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

He writes back saying "yeah, I'm not all that into it either, but let's hang out as friends, let's get coffee".

I think the consensus advice from this thread applies here as well. "I'm afraid that won't be possible." No "excuse" or further explanation is necessary. In fact, doing so is detrimental: giving an excuse why you can't just invites a further request at a later time, or a counterargument as to why your excuse doesn't apply. I especially liked desuetude's comment in that thread.

Just scheduling coffee dates and cancelling at the last minute is bad because it counts on him being clueful enough to pick up on the hint, and he may not be that clueful. Also, it's just plain rude.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 7:04 AM on January 18, 2007

"You want to go out and [blah blah blah]?"

You: No, thank you.

Seriously, you either can be polite but firm, or you can continue to dodge this guy forever. He's an adult, and so are you.
posted by canine epigram at 7:24 AM on January 18, 2007

Give this guy a little consideration and stop expecting him to read your mind.

If you don't have the ability to be straightforward then invite other friends when you go out with him.
posted by loiseau at 7:40 AM on January 18, 2007

Keep the next coffee date, and invite other people. SHouldn't be a problem since you are just going out as friends. After the first or second time, he'll get the hint that you don't want to be one on one friends.
posted by necessitas at 7:45 AM on January 18, 2007

I nth the idea of inviting some other people along (or at least one other person)--both for your own amusement and so he won't think there's potential for anything beyond group acquaintance. (And I'm in Chapel Hill, so I know what you mean about the small-town-running-into-people issue.)
posted by paleography at 9:48 AM on January 18, 2007

Try to convert him to scientology. Or tell him he reminds of you of someone who touched you innapropriately as a child, and that you'd really prefer to not be around him. I have successfully used both those tactics to get rid of friendly-yet-annoying people I went to University with. Pretending to be extravagantly rascist also tends to unsettle people.
posted by chudmonkey at 1:37 PM on January 18, 2007