I Know We Are All Weird, But This Was Too Much

January 11, 2010 2:37 PM

I need to get out more. Problem: Back when I was outgoing, the people I ended up meeting through meetups were totally weird.

When I was a young college graduate, I tried to get involved and meet new people through a group that had debates on political topics (an interest I had at the time), and through an adventures group for singles. I tried a few other activities, but these were bad ideas.

A few times, during these group activities, I would somehow attract the weirdest people who simply did not get the hint to go away.

When I thought a person and I might click and wanted to hang out more (platonically, like new female friends), it just seemed silly. I felt uninteresting and the whole point of making a new friend seemed pointless when it became apparent that they (and I, to some extent) were interested in meeting potential romantic partners, and we didn't instantly click anyway, so what was the point of trying to forge a friendship? Also, this one time, a girl mistook my interest for a romantic interest and tried to casually explain to me that she didn't get why people thought she was a lesbian. (Super embarrassing. I just wanted to know if she wanted to go see a rom com with me.)

As a result, I've been really scared of meeting new people. I've moved to yet another new city and am so lonely. Also, I'm starting to feel so desperate for friends that I'm worried I don't even care about clicking with the person.

I also recently got out of a longterm relationship with an introvert who managed to make me feel bad about myself because I didn't have a million friends (he was a reluctant introvert, meaning that he wanted to have tons of friends but never managed to put in the energy necessary to keep up friendships or get out of the apt).

I really want to find a best friend, I suppose. I just don't know how to find normal people who are nice and won't be weird at me.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (9 answers total)

Have you taken a look around some of the other threads about moving to new cities and meeting new people? Lots of good advice in them, and almost all of it applies to you. The thumbnail sketch is this: find people who share your interests and meet up with them for one-off indulgences in your interests. E.g., if you like hiking, find someone else who likes hiking and go on one day hike together. If it's fun, do it again. If it's not, don't. This is easiest if your interest has a pre-existing forum. I've met some very good friends through kayaking, and met a few of them through a kayaking message board. Craigslist or okcupid or, depending on your area, meetup, are decent alternatives as well.

If you don't have any of these sorts of interests, think of a hobby you might like to pick up and get someone to teach it to you.
posted by craven_morhead at 2:46 PM on January 11, 2010

In my experience, the "join a club" route to making new friends works less well than the "take what social contacts you already have, and mine them as much as you can" route. For example, do you work in an office, or similar social setting, where you could propose an evening out with one or more others? Do you have friends back home, or in other cities, who have friends in your city they could put you in touch with? Do you have relatives with friends in your current city? Or relatives in your current city? Has anyone said "Oh, I know someone in [x], you should have a coffee with them" anytime recently? (I've made it a rule always to accept such suggestions.) You might waste a few afternoons having coffee with people you don't click with, but it won't really be a waste. The moment they invite you to a party, or whatever, there's 15 more people waiting for a potential click.
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 2:51 PM on January 11, 2010 [6 favorites]

Unfortunately that whole "kiss a bunch of frogs before you find a prince" thing tends to go with a lot of social interaction -- you will (or at least I do) find a lot more people that you just don't click with than those that you do.

But it is worth it to find those that you do click with. Good luck!
posted by cestmoi15 at 3:01 PM on January 11, 2010

I find that taking a class to learn a specific thing is a better way to meet people than a group event type of thing. In a class, you're all working towards a common goal, you can always help each other (or ask help from each other) as you go, and ultimately if you're having a good time while working together on a common goal you'll likely have a good time doing other things together.

The trick, if there is one, is to find people you like engaging with in the class, assuming your relationship will end when the class is over -- but on the last day of class, if there's someone you realize you'd like to see outside of class (as a friend, a lover, whatever) you simply say so and see if they feel the same way.

don't do that before the last day of class, in case it backfires and you'll have to end up feeling weird for the rest of the class.
posted by davejay at 3:52 PM on January 11, 2010 [2 favorites]

The "join a club" route to making new friends works less well than the "take what social contacts you already have, and mine them as much as you can" route.
Wholeheartedly agree. Speaking as a fellow introvert, I think part of the awkwardness with group activities comes from imbalanced interest. Apparently the people that you met were much more interested in talking to you than you were with them. (I know this problem well...) In theory, I think davejay is also right, but I've had trouble trying to meet up with classmates on personal time.

You have to keep trying, though. I've met well over 50 new people since moving to a new city 6 months ago. Maybe that's not a lot for some people, but I do have to push myself to socialize so it was a big deal for me. Out of those 50+ people, I think I only clicked with two or three... and one guy moved away about two weeks after I met him. So it's not easy.

If you're in the SF bay area or the DC metro area, I'll introduce you to my friends! :)
posted by tantivy at 4:02 PM on January 11, 2010 [2 favorites]

As a 'nice' person, I've often attracted weird or creepy freaks who don't take my hints to go away. And no one wants to be your friend when you're friends with the weird person.

So I got less nice, and it's helped. Now I judge people based on my first impression, and if they seem annoying or weird in a bad way then I act aloof and cold so that they don't get clingy. And if they do get clingy, I say, sans remorse: "I'd rather be alone right now".

I get the 'feeling inadequate around cool, normal people' bit...but all it takes is one friend and you'll find more. Just be proactive but not too eager, and if you need a little confidence boost to assure you that you're worthy of these people's friendships, then you can read either 'intimate connections' or 'the feeling good handbook' by David Burns. Good luck!
posted by whalebreath at 4:15 PM on January 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

I posted a personal friend-ad that was like your question, but colored for me. I pretty much laid bare everything about my situation, emphasizing the negative to lower expectations (yeah). Anyway, from that I got a respondent who became a very good friend. A direct but anonymous personal ad can let people really know who you are without any risk to you, and can let you find people in your exact situation (they exist) who relate to you.
posted by mnemonic at 6:42 PM on January 11, 2010

Nthing that you'll make your best friends through work or friends-of-friends. If you really have no friends in your city, it's totally ok to ask your coolest/closest friends in other cities if they know anyone where you live. I've done this for a bunch of friends and I'd say they become friends about 50% of the time.

If this doesn't work, and you have a super-non-social workplace, then try the "extracurriculars," but I'd look for something where you're actually working with people on an ongoing project. I think that sustained contact, plus the whole team-effort aspect, really bring people together as friends.

Things that may fit into this category: low-key theater/music groups, club sports, any sort of long-term volunteer opportunity. If you go for the latter route, make sure you find something that is fairly volunteer-driven. This will give you the chance to dive in and get involved. The non-profit I work for is one of the biggest volunteer-led nonprofits in my metro area, and there are all sorts of lifelong friends and even marriages that have come out of it. If you find yourself in a volunteer opportunity where you're not working in a team with other volunteers, find something else.
posted by lunasol at 10:32 PM on January 11, 2010

Also, I don't know what your free-time situation is like, but something you may want to consider is a part-time job someplace with a lot of other young-ish people. Places like restaurants, coffee shops, bookstores, etc. tend to be really great places to make friends.
posted by lunasol at 10:35 PM on January 11, 2010