Friends shouldn't have an expiry date

December 18, 2009 2:54 PM

I can't seem to keep any friends for more than two years. Why do I do this and how can I stop? (somewhat long, sorry)

I don't have very many friends, but I tend to be very close to the four or five that I have at any given time, and we form into some sort of a group or circle. But almost inevitably, within two years or so, I find myself feeling like I'm tired of them or I've grown away from them, a new group of friends comes along, and the old one gets ditched (sometimes those first two events happen the other way around).

The thing is, I'm not sure that I really am tired of them. There have been groups where I can tell, objectively, that they are not as good to/for me as my old group, and yet when that two-year mark rolls along I suddenly want to spend all my time with the new people and end up treating the old ones like so much rubbish. I changed schools a lot when I was a kid - pretty much every year or every two years - so I never really have had a friend for longer than this time limit (except one; we've been friends 6 years. But she is the only one).

This question was precipitated by one of my most recent old-group friends sitting me down and telling me that I've barely been around at all, it feels like I'm blowing them off a lot of the time, they have no clue what's going on with me and I'm not saying anything. I've been really busy as a thesis student in a lab, so it hasn't been entirely this abandonment thing, but it's true that when I do have a little bit of spare time I try and spend it with my new friends or my new boyfriend (who, for the purposes of this question, I will count as a "friend", since I met him along with this new group).

On the one hand, I do still want to be friends with my old group, because they're really great people and probably better friends than the new group, who I only met through a joint project. On the other hand, I really don't seem to enjoy spending time with the old group the way I used to, and not nearly as much as I do time with the new group. On the gripping hand, what am I supposed to do or say? "Yeah, I've replaced you guys with new people"? "No, I still want to be friends, I'm just never going to put you guys first, and when I do hang out with you, I'm not going to have much fun"?

All of these feel like cruel and despicable things to say or even think. I'm beginning to feel like I shouldn't make friends anymore, if I'm just going to end up treating them like crap in a couple of years. Is this something that I can ever fix? How do I stop being a horrible person? Thank you for any help you can give; the guilt is crushing me right now. Throwaway email at [e-mail], if you'd rather answer there or want more info.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (10 answers total)

"If a man does not make new acquaintances as he advances through life, he will soon find himself alone. A man should keep his friendships in constant repair."
— Samuel Johnson

I'm guessing you're young, which means both that your social circumstances are liable to change a lot, and that you're pre-disposed to worry about it a lot. It's right to put a bit of effort into maintaining friendships you value, but it's also right to move on when frankly, you don't. Guilt is not required.
posted by Phanx at 3:09 PM on December 18, 2009 [3 favorites]

Think about it like a romantic relationship. After a year or two, the glow has worn off a bit and you find yourself occasionally crushing on somebody else or wistful to play the field or just plain annoyed at the way your lover never does his laundry, like, god, wouldn't it be nice to see the floor sometimes? Sometimes when the glow wears off, you realize the relationship isn't meant to be. And sometimes, you realize it is - and you make a commitment to working through your problems and dealing with the little annoyances and not putting other people and things above your relationship, even though it's tempting some times.

Friendships can be like that. Sometimes the glow wears off, or you switch jobs and you suddenly aren't getting lunch with them everyday, or you learn they're actually secretly anti-semitic or something, and you decide they're not worth your time. But sometimes they still are.

And here's the awesome thing. Unlike most romantic relationships, you can pursue that friendscrush or go out looking to meet new people - it's not one or the other. But you have to respect the friends you already have, and spend time with them and keep working on your relationships, even if you really want to be out with that cool band you met at a concert last week. It sucks a little, but hey, you can always go out with them tomorrow.

This doesn't mean you should stay with your friends if they're treating you badly or you're just not enjoying your friendship at all anymore. It just means you think twice before ditching a good friend in favor of a new one. Because as you're learning, no friend can be new forever. And while it's easy to make new friends now, as you get older people will tend to become more insular - they'll have families, careers, other commitments - and it may become harder to find the next group to leap to once you're bored. Cultivation of long term friendships is a skill that will make you very, very happy in the long term.
posted by shaun uh at 3:54 PM on December 18, 2009 [6 favorites]

In my opinion (not like this helps) I bet it does have to do with moving so much.
I haven't stayed in one place either for more than two years...until high school, then I moved away and back again after that though. (And I'm moving again next year!)
And I can't keep my friends either. Coincidence?
posted by lhude sing cuccu at 4:02 PM on December 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

Invite all your friends, new and old, to the same parties and stuff. The interaction between the old friends with the new friends may add enough novelty to your time with them to make the old friends fun again.
posted by Jacqueline at 4:42 PM on December 18, 2009 [4 favorites]

We live in a culture that prizes fulfilling your desires, going all the way, pushing past the limits to greater heights of pleasure. The message is that if something isn't satisfying you, you owe it to yourself to find something (or someone) new that does. Not doing that is settling, letting yourself down, etc. This means things like loyalty and commitment aren't as important (or not important at all) - if that's what you happen to get off, then great, but it's not valuable in itself, only for how pleasurable it is for you. When it stops being fun, move on to something better.

The only problem? You can't have your cake and eat it too. For some people, being a "great friend" means being there to the end, even when it's not fun any more. If that makes you think "Well, what's the point then?!", that's not your idea of friendship, and the best thing to do is to make it clear that's not what you're looking for to all your friends, old and new. Don't let them treat you like a lifelong friend if that's not what you signed up for.
posted by AlsoMike at 5:07 PM on December 18, 2009 [2 favorites]

A lot of this sounds like you think of friends as just people whose attachment gives you something. As soon as someone better comes along, you are willing to let them go. As soon as they become mere humans with all the usual problems, they become a drag. New people are always more interesting.

But true friendship is a two-way street. Do you help your friends move when they need it? Have you ever nursed one of them while they were sick? Are you the kind of person who gives someone a ride home if you can?

You should explore the giving aspects of friendship if you answered "no" to all of the above. You may find that giving to people is rewarding, and deepens friendships into lifelong bonds.
posted by scarabic at 6:18 PM on December 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

Sometimes friendships do have an expiry date. I have found that some friends just don't stick around because it takes a little while to realise that we have some fundamental differences and we're better off as aquaintances or even strangers. It's completely natural.

Your gut feeling will tell you which friends to invest your time and energy in, and, if applicable, go back and rekindle a friendship with.

And look, you do have the ability to keep long term friends, you have one of 6 years. As time passes you will most likely add to this number.
posted by heytch at 11:23 PM on December 18, 2009

This happens to me too, a lot. I live in a college town, so most people end up leaving after 2-3-4 years as a matter of course. If you move a lot, same thing. When circumstances change, friendships just tend to die. It sounds like you are used to things having to "move on" around two years. If you are not moving away now or having any drastic changes in your life, maybe you just need to retrain yourself to stick around, and put more effort into spending time with these people.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:57 AM on December 19, 2009

I totally hear where you're coming from. We moved a lot, though interestingly, my reaction has been to not want to make friends with anyone I think won't be around forever.

All I can say is that moving a lot, for me, sucked. I don't blame you at all for having some lingering impacts. And this instinct, to throw yourself into making new friends every two years, is not some evil part of you but a coping mechanism that got you through your childhood in probably the best way possible. It was a very essential part of yourself for a very long time; however, it may not be quite so necessary anymore. It can help you add friends, but you might not need the part of it that completely turns your attention away from your old friends.

In the end, you will have to want to change, for reasons including but going beyond that guilt you have now based in a concern for others. Maybe consider what people have in their long-term friendships that you're not getting from your ever-new crowd. If you do want to change, you probably know better than we do what is going on in your head, and what you could be telling yourself to begin to overcome it ("I don't have to leave?"). These sound like pretty good friends, too, so maybe you could tell them what's going on. Good luck in this effort; for me it has been a long one.
posted by salvia at 11:19 AM on December 19, 2009

It sounds like it has to do with you moving around when you were a child. Since you moved so frequently, you didn't have the stability to make/form a decent, stable friendship. You also knew that you would be gone in 2 years, so it would hurt more to have a deeper, meaningful friendship only to never see that person again. Try not to be so hard on yourself though- since it bothers you so much it shows that you have acknowledged something that concerns/worries you and you want to change it. Have you tried telling your old friends about how you moved around? In life, friendships are constantly changing, evolving, dissolving, etc. We grow as people and sometimes our friends don't grow with us. It also depends on where you meet these people- you said you met your old friends working on a project. Maybe it was just common interest and you had to be together while working, but after that there may not have been a connection once the project was over. Try to meet new people doing something you enjoy so that they also share your interest. That way you'll be more invested in them since they like the same thing you do.
posted by lawgirl at 10:17 PM on January 16, 2010