Like a snake sheds its skin.

February 27, 2008 6:29 PM

Why do I seem to "change" friends every 2-3 years?

This is not a thread about how to make friends, or how to repair past friendships. The truth is, I am pretty good at making friends and I don't have trouble in new social situations.

What I'm curious about, though, is that every 2-3 years, I seem to change my circle of friends. It doesn't happen consciously or intentionally, but I seem to stop spending time with the same 6 or 7 people and I start pursuing other groups. I am well aware that it is common to change friends throughout life (i.e. many people just retain their closest 2 or 3 friends from high school, and make a fresh start in university/the working world). I am not distressed by these changes. I just want to know why.

Possible factors I have brainstormed include: in 90% of my friendships, the effort I put into it (e.g. thoughtfulness or kindness) is not reciprocated; perhaps I have a poor friendship attention span; maybe my love of travel and change extends to this area of my life, too?

I don't think it is because of: compatability issues (the friends I have "shed" have always been ones with whom I shared common interests and got along with); a mutual desire to end the friendship (usually it's just me who, well, moves on); moving a lot (I was not uprooted as a child, so I don't think this stems from a childhood phenomenon).

What got me thinking about this was my preparation to leave university next year, and I am not too worried or anxious about "shedding" my friends. Don't get me wrong - I love my close friends and roommates...but I can see the "shedding" happening again. It isn't that we've grown apart or that we no longer enjoy the same things. In fact, throughout my life, I have been rather consistent in my interests - but I still don't maintain friendships for very long.

(Exception: My best friend and I have been friends for 7 years now, and I do maintain 1 friendship from high school)

Any idea why?

posted by gursky to human relations (15 comments total)

You're leaving university next year. Bachelor's program, right in after high school? That'd put you right on the front end of your twenties, then. So what's up? You're still growing up and figuring out who you are and who you want to be around and why. This is pretty standard issue stuff for early adulthood; folks drift apart, drift together, get tired of one flavor of social interaction and take interest in another.
posted by cortex at 6:36 PM on February 27

Maybe you only have a dozen good jokes and you need a new audience, therefore subconsciously create one.

Kidding, of course. I clicked in here because I often wonder the same thing. It's less apparent in my situation, since I actually tend to move every 2-3 years, and haven't stayed in any one place for longer since I was a child.

All I can tell you is its a fairly common and natural thing. Hopefully a sociology major will stumble in here and enlighten us.
posted by pedmands at 6:36 PM on February 27 [1 favorite]

You're really young and your personality is changing as you grow. After 2-3 years you've outgrown your current group and look for a new group.
posted by lemur at 6:38 PM on February 27

Especially in their high-school and collegiate years, people are still developing a sense of who they are. Think back to when you were a freshman - I'm willing to bet that your beliefs and attitudes are quite a bit different now from what they were then.

Since you aren't quite sure who you are yet (and no one else is either), it's not surprising that your social groups are somewhat fluid, as you 'try on' new things. As you get older and more set in your ways, there tends to be less change and more stability (or stagnation, depending on your attitude)

In short, don't worry - you're completely normal.
posted by chrisamiller at 6:39 PM on February 27

I would worry about this if you weren't able to maintain friendships or if you switched social groups because you burned through people in some way (dated all the guys and/or made enemies of al the girls). It doesn't sound like you're doing that.

For many people, friendship can be very situational. I have a lot of good friends from college, but they don't live near me, so we keep in touch in various ways and talk/chat when we can. I have other friends who are local pals and activity partners and I see them more regularly but the friendships aren't as "deep" or don't start out that way. I am contemplating a move. At some point my local friends will probably shift. Some will become long distance older friends and some may fall by the wayside unless I'm back in the area.

This is pretty normal. I think for people who move and travel a lot [I fall into this category, you may also] having some situational friendships is pretty normal. As long as you don't feel uncomfortable with the situation you're in and confident of your ability to have the sort of friendships that enrish your life and the lives of those around you, I think you're doing okay.
posted by jessamyn at 6:47 PM on February 27

Why is it an automatic thing that a person doesn't know who they are if they're 'young', or in their mid-twenties? He said that his interests haven't changed. Please don't pull the older-therefore-wiser shtick. I think the question is worthy of more attention than, essentially: "you are growing up! just wait for the chest hair, too!"
posted by pedmands at 6:48 PM on February 27

I think some people like more stimulation than others and hanging with the same people, while not exactly boring (okay, sometimes it is), doesn't have the same excitement and tension as getting to know a new group/person. I like to move a lot (like pedmands), which results in the same thing. I've liked doing this since I was young, and I still don't have hair on my chest. So my guess - same ol = boring. New = exciting. Personal preference, really. Oh, and for a data point, I'm 40 and still working on who I am and what I want because it keeps changing.
posted by b33j at 7:08 PM on February 27

Why is it an automatic thing that a person doesn't know who they are if they're 'young', or in their mid-twenties?
I speak as someone in his mid-20s. I feel like a completely different person than I was 3 years ago. 3 years before that I was yet another person. I don't feel that I am atypical.

This has nothing to do with interests and everything to do with personality.
posted by lemur at 7:11 PM on February 27 [1 favorite]

This has happened to me as well. Like others have said, I don't think this necessarily indicates any pathology on your part. It's common for young people to move around, and in doing so lose or acquire new friends. Example: When you lose one, you may also lose a couple of their friends who you weren't really close friends with, but didn't mind hanging out with, compounding the sense of totally rotating through groups of people. You'll work different jobs, meet new neighbors, have serendipitous encounters with old friends, etc.

As long as you're making a sincere effort to cultivate and maintain the friends you have, don't sweat it. That's how life goes.
posted by Brian James at 7:15 PM on February 27

As a mid/late 20-something, I'm filing this under "normal". I've rotated through situational friends and I've never given it much thought because it seemed obvious why some fell in and out of the circle. New jobs, new relationships, good things, bad things - they all change our priorities and environment. Your best-of-friends will continue to be, while those in the outer circle may come and go without much consequence.

You describe yourself as someone who has no problem meeting people and pretty sociable. I take that to also mean that while you probably have some very good friends, you probably have more "eh, just ok friends" than "great friends". Wider circle = higher turnover. Nothing wrong with it at all. When life settles down - and with a year left in college, that time is far away, my friend - so will your relationships. Not entirely, but you'll notice. You're fine.
posted by littlelebowskiurbanachiever at 9:05 PM on February 27

I think that when we are younger we tend to have more intense friendships that are not sustainable outside of a specific school or work situation. Also, people tend to go through significant life changes in their 20's and it's pretty normal for people to kind of drift apart due to their romantic relationships, jobs, kids, lifestyles, changing values, etc.

You can never have too many friends. I feel like keeping a minimum of communication with old friends is important, even if it's just a twice a year email or phone call.
posted by pluckysparrow at 9:19 PM on February 27

This article from Psychology Today offers some reflections on this topic.

"The conventional wisdom is that we choose friends because of who they are. But it turns out that we actually love them because of the way they support who we are."

"If we view ourselves as a mother first and a belly dancer only on Saturday mornings at the local dance studio, our best friend is likely to be another mom because she supports our primary social-identity (as opposed to our personal identity as, say, someone who loves film noir or comes from the Bronx). Our social-identity might relate to our religion, our ethnic group, our social role, or even membership in a special club."
posted by jchgf at 10:29 PM on February 27

Possible factors I have brainstormed include: in 90% of my friendships, the effort I put into it (e.g. thoughtfulness or kindness) is not reciprocated

This may also be a big reason. These aren't particularly strong friendships, if you're doing most of the work, and it's easy to get tired and move on. I'm going to bet that when you find people who return your effort, they'll stay friends for much longer.
posted by canine epigram at 7:10 AM on February 28

I think this is even normal to have happen when in a university setting. I work at one and am at the late end of my twenties now...over the past 10 years I've had what you described in your post. The only ones that are consistent are co-workers and the 1-2 highschool friends. Everyone else comes and goes.
posted by samsara at 7:23 AM on February 28

Why is it an automatic thing that a person doesn't know who they are if they're 'young', or in their mid-twenties?

Because it's true! And, only someone in their early 20's would question it.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 10:32 AM on February 28