Pregnant woman needs help controlling her moods

October 12, 2009 5:08 AM

Anger management for beginners? Help me deal with pregnancy/hormone related rage at work!

I have never been an angry person, and have never had to control my anger and I have never let my emotions "get the better of me". Until now! I am pregnant and am finding it very difficult to deal with annoying or upsetting situations at work.

I work in a very busy office at an educational institution, and am constantly the recipient of bad attitude and demeaning behaviour from my coworkers. For lack of a better description, my workplace has extremely bad karma and energy. That stuff you can't put your finger on. Smiles are rare and snarky emails and comments are common. The only thing everyone agrees on is that everything sucks.

Normally I'm a very zen and positive person, and have managed this job pretty well by turning the other cheek, so to speak. I am generally very good at finding the silver lining. But now that I'm pregnant I'm no longer in posession of this zenness. I get SO ANGRY at my coworkers, and feel that I am very very close to losing it, I want to scream in their faces and tell them where to shove their menial complaints already. I want to slam doors and scowl and swear at them. All of this is the complete opposite to my normal non-knocked up behaviour, and is quite frankly shocking me!

How do I avoid this? How can I manage my strong feelings and subsequent actions when I'm in a mood (and brain chemistry) that's so very unfamiliar to me? Any experiences? Techniques?

posted by heytch to Human Relations (13 answers total)

I'm like this when I'm not pregnant, meaning I was the world's Most Insane Pregnant Person. You're right, this is not a good way to live your life. You need to try to detach. It will help if you are at least a little anti-social or socially awkward, by which I mean you need to avoid going even a little out of your way to interact with people-- don't say hi, don't join them for lunch, don't stop to chat if you see a group of people. You walk in the door, go to your desk, do your work and at the end of the day, walk out the door. If someone approaches you-- bland look, vague smile, no response (really-- just look at them and then go back to work. It's called the "cut direct" and is brilliantly effective is sending idiots running with their tails betw their legs) then back to work. Find a little mantra to say when you observe or are confronted with bullshit, mine is "this does not concern me," which serves to remind me that the bullshit is first, not my problem and second, I can't do anything about it.

Don't look for silver linings, because it violates the second part of the mantra.
posted by nax at 5:53 AM on October 12, 2009 [2 favorites]

I'm not sure how far along you are but I went through the same thing (and it sounds like we work at the same place). I went off on a person and immediately apologized because like you, that is just not my style (people deal with enough assholes around here. I didn't need to be another one). I didn't know I was pregnant at the time. It passes.

I would say taking a walk, maybe take some yoga if you're able to, or get away every day for a while is the best thing you can do. Good luck and many congrats.
posted by stormpooper at 6:33 AM on October 12, 2009

Get away from the stimulus as much as possible. Shut your office door, only check your email once a day, don't stand around the water cooler gossiping. Wear an ipod or something as much as possible, so you hear less of the sniping.

Get out of the office as much as possible for breaks and such. Walk in nature. Nature isn't angry or buzzing or logged in, which means you don't have to deal with it while you're there.

Then, learn some better coping techniques for when you're dealing with people. Become more rational, and think about what it is that's annoying you, and why. Analyse it. Rather than reacting to the problem emotionally, use your brain to work through the problem. Make it an intellectual thing rather than an emotional one.

Keep a notebook of any amusing situations that happen through the day, and then blog about them.
posted by Solomon at 6:45 AM on October 12, 2009

H.A.L.T. -- never let yourself get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. The angry part you're already dealing with, but if you do your best to mitigate the other three parts of this acronym, you may potentially stave off all sorts of trouble before it becomes trouble. When you catch yourself getting upset, run through the checklist. Maybe you just need some rest. Maybe you need a cookie. Maybe you need to chat with a friend. Etc.
posted by hermitosis at 7:25 AM on October 12, 2009 [7 favorites]

Another thing to do is redirect what you're thinking about. Usually rage starts as annoyance or anger and then we think about it some more and work ourselves into it. With all those hormones, I bet your annoyed to rage time has decreased significantly. So when you notice yourself being annoyed or angry, start thinking about things that make you happy or at least feel better instead of letting it build up to uncontrollable levels. If you start doing this early in your day, it will be less likely that annoying things will build up and be harder to control.
posted by Kimberly at 7:42 AM on October 12, 2009

Can you casually mention the pregnancy hormones to your coworkers and laugh about how you're constantly preventing yourself from flying into a towering rage? I know you're dealing with a bunch of malicious chuckleheads, but maybe alerting them to your propensity to go ballistic will make them behave a bit?

Also, I've recently found that bringing in cookies in a tube and cooking them in a toaster oven on Mondays makes Monday almost bearable.

Alternatively, nerf weaponry is awesome.

I'm sorry work is sucking. Are you looking for a new job? Yeah, I know, not a good time to be doing that, but sometimes it just takes special impetus to get to the point of leaving a toxic situation.
posted by sciencegeek at 8:35 AM on October 12, 2009

My first trimester was my angriest trimester, so if you're still early on you might find the anger goes away (or lessens) on its own.
posted by The corpse in the library at 8:48 AM on October 12, 2009 [1 favorite]

"...have managed this job pretty well by turning the other cheek"

That's the problem right there. I did the same exact thing for 16 years of marriage, until I went "kaboom". Group therapy afterward opened my eyes quickly.

Set your boundaries. Demand they be respected. This wasn't happening in your work environment. You were turning the other cheek. Despite your best efforts, this feeds a long smouldering resentment that can be sustained for a very long time. You may not even know it's there.

Now you are pregnant, and the hormones have changed the game for you. It's no longer possible to tolerate the poor attitudes and poisonous atmosphere..

So don't. Tell people, politely, gently, in a positive manner, where you stand on the issues, and what you will tolerate from them. Snarky comments and bad attitude have no place in your life. It's like when people complain about how hot it is, one of my pet peeves. We know it's hot, the complaining doesn't help a damn bit.

Tell them. Demand respect. Be patient. If they won't step up, then you need to find a way out.
posted by Xoebe at 9:49 AM on October 12, 2009

A really helpful thing for me is to keep checking in on my stress/annoyance level before it gets to Def Con 5 - when it's too late to head things off at the pass. If you can set an alarm every couple of hours (or every hour) to check in on your stress level, you can take steps to manage. So, if on a level of 1 to 10, 7 is where you start to feel in the danger zone, when you check in and feel that you're at a 5, go take a moment along somewhere and focus on breathing or babbling brooks, or whatever meditation/personal exercise is helpful. Focusing on breath is something that's good for me because every time my thoughts start to scatter, it forces me back into the here & now.
posted by witchstone at 9:52 AM on October 12, 2009

Best answer: I respectfully disagree with Xoebe. Your hormones have you on the tremulous edge of anger on a pretty constant basis. Now's not the time to "demand" anything or engage in any kind of loaded interaction. Why? For one, your demanding respect is not going to fundamentally change these people or your work environment. For the other, your reaction in these discussions, because of your hormones and because they are idiots, is not going to be balanced. You'll be setting yourself up for additional frustration and escalation, and you really, really want to avoid that.

Keep your head down, fuck 'em for right now. Later on, when you have solid ground under your feet and a strong, steady, balanced self, then you can consider how you'd like to change your interactions with your coworkers, or whether you'd like to move to a different place.

I've gone through the hormonal hell. Here's what helps:

*Reduce as much stimuli as you can. Keep it quiet and calm. Minimize interruptions. If it gets bad, try for a full stop if you can get it: find somewhere dark and quiet and alone, and do a progressive relaxation. Visualize or think about something happy to help dislodge the negativity that's swamping you.

*Consciously relax your body throughout the day. Pay attention to tension in your shoulders and neck, or wherever else you bunch up, and relax, relax, relax. And breathe, big and deep.

*Minimize your daily stress in as many ways as possible.

*Spend your day doing "cheerfulness practice": focus on the beauty or the funny in things. Constantly keep gratitude at the forefront of your mind in very specific statements to yourself.

*Take care of your body. Consider eating more often, in smaller meals. Exercise.

*Identify things that set you off and make a plan for them.

*Do not interact with somebody if you find yourself suddenly pissed off. Disengage as quickly as possible.

*Address difficult topics or people when you're not on the edge of violence. Problem-solve in writing first, if that helps. Do not make important decisions unless you know you're absolutely free of anger.

*Keep a close eye on your state of mind and emotions. Think before you speak. Avoid words like "always," "never," "must," "demand," and "should."

*Don't allow your mind to go in circles on what's pissing you off or what you'd like to tell somebody. Be aware of it happening, stop it, and replace it with other thoughts. Have some thoughts/topics prepared. Dead serious.

*Venting escalates anger.

Be prepared for this to continue after you give birth. Have a plan in place.
posted by moira at 6:53 PM on October 12, 2009 [2 favorites]

Back to clarify: "Be prepared for this to continue after you give birth. Have a plan in place." That is, be prepared in case it continues.

And to add: you may find the mantra "Let it go," in conjunction with a deep breath and a relaxing of tensed muscles, to be particularly helpful.
posted by moira at 7:49 PM on October 12, 2009

Sorry, one more: get enough sleep.
posted by moira at 9:35 PM on October 12, 2009

Response by poster: Thanks for all your replies!

I forgot to say I work in a front office which is not only a reception, but a 'go through' place for a large number of staff and students. It is like Mumbai, there are people everywhere, and as a massive introvert it is a huge challenge for me to not be able to close the door once in a while and be alone. I occasionally resort to the emergency stairway or the toilets for some peace of mind. Not very sustainable, I know.

I like your suggestions and observations, moira. 'Let it go. Let it go. Ohmmm'

Yes I have considered getting a new job, and unsuccessfully applied and interviewed for a few before commencing my pregnancy. The reason I want to stick it out is that my workplace offers Australia's probably most generous maternity leave. I will get a full year of paid leave and probably won't return (HAH! suckers).
posted by heytch at 1:43 AM on October 13, 2009