"Getting the girl."
February 2, 2009 3:17 PM   Subscribe

A tricky "getting-a-girl" question. Nothing that might cause trouble, but still worth asking anonymously.

Recently, I started sending e-mails back-and-forth to a girl living about 40 miles from me via online dating site OkCupid. She was listed as single at the time. We had a date planned but not scheduled. Recently, I contacted her to find that she had stumbled upon someone in her city and they had started dating.

So, obviously, I want to "get the girl," so to speak. She's certainly not committed, and hanging out is still an option, but as the ratio of nerd girls to guys is about 1 to 9, I don't want to give up just yet. Is there a good way to go about this?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (13 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
I'm not sure I fully understand your question.

Uh....ask her out for a specfic day/time. Note her response. Act accordingly, e.g., if she says yes, go out with her. If she says no, don't go out with her.
posted by December at 3:22 PM on February 2, 2009 [1 favorite]

Speaking as one of those rare (who knew?) nerd girls, I would strongly advise you to be up-front and let her know that, while you certainly don't want to step on anyone's toes, you're interested in her, and you, you know, like like her. If she and the other gentleman are seeing each other, but not committed at the moment, this may very well be your last chance to make your feelings known. You could come out and say this point blank. You could also pull some kind of sweet Lloyd Dobler move and send her something like an extremely cute, hinty mix. That may not be your style, though. Best of luck.
posted by teamparka at 3:23 PM on February 2, 2009 [1 favorite]

It's always very tricky to know when someone is off limits.

Some people would say you can't ask this girl out if she has seen this other guy more than x times?

Some would say you can ask her out unless this other guy is her boyfriend

Others would go so far as to say everyone is far game unless there is a ring on the finger.

In my opinion, if you are sure that she is not serious about this other guy, just ask her out. You will always reret it if you don't. If she says she wants to see where it goes with the guy, wish her good luck and mark it up as the one that got away.
posted by Man_in_staysis at 3:33 PM on February 2, 2009

I like sarabeth's suggestion, just because I feel like it's nice to acknowledge, in asking her, that this new guy does exist -- or it could look like you're just wilfully ignoring the unhappy facts, which isn't a good look. Noting that you don't want to step on anyone's toes (...but...!) is awesome: it's up-front without being pushy, it's opening her options but only if she wants them open.
posted by springbound at 3:42 PM on February 2, 2009

Speaking as a nerdy girl (we only seem rare because we don't wear a uniform) I gotta say take the direct approach. Ask her out. Make sure she knows you're into her, and that she knows you know she's dating someone else. Ask her how serious she is about the other person, and tell her you're asking because you are so interested in her and you don't want to misstep. If you're honest, she'll respond with honesty.

None of these "getting the girl" games, please. A girl is not *gotten* nor does she give herself.
posted by Mizu at 3:44 PM on February 2, 2009 [3 favorites]

Okay, you contacted her and she told you she's dating someone else? I think she just said no.
posted by Hildegarde at 3:48 PM on February 2, 2009 [7 favorites]

Think she was trying to drop a nice hint to you but if you want to pursue it...

I'd write her and say "Hey, I'm going to be in (city she lives in) a lot this (whatever few days.) Are you available to get together for a lunch or coffee then? "
If so, exchange cell phone numbers or something, talk, and set it up.
posted by zephyr_words at 3:58 PM on February 2, 2009

Okay, you contacted her and she told you she's dating someone else? I think she just said no.

posted by CunningLinguist at 4:18 PM on February 2, 2009

She found someone closer who she can see in person. It seems like you might just have to move on.

Us nerds, we're really not so rare. It's not like she's your only chance.
posted by cmgonzalez at 5:04 PM on February 2, 2009

Yeah, I think if she said, "I'm dating someone" unless it was followed by, "but it's not exclusive, and we can still meet up and see what happens." she was telling you she's taken. Even if she did follow with that other sentence, it may not be the kind of thing you were looking for and or into.
posted by piratebowling at 5:09 PM on February 2, 2009 [1 favorite]

She's certainly not committed, and hanging out is still an option

Who decided this? You?
posted by micawber at 5:26 PM on February 2, 2009

Okay. I have no option to reply anonymously, so I'll add details because a lot of what was in the original question was ambiguous:

- She didn't tell me she had a boyfriend. I first saw it on her profile and asked her about it. She mentioned it on her Facebook page, too, again before I asked her.

- She was the one who said we could still hang out, as well.

- I don't mean to come across as sexist or objectifying with the phrase "getting a girlfriend"; I encased it in quotation marks to indicate that it was merely a convenient colloquialism.

This probably changes the way you'd address this...
posted by LSK at 6:15 PM on February 2, 2009

Hmm you could have wrote the above about me, only I havn't told the 40 mile away guy..so I hope you havn't!
I've been talking to someone online fairly recently, was quite interested in meeting up with the idea of something starting........until, I started kind of seeing someone who lives right near me. I had no idea whatsoever when I arranged to meet the 40mile away guy that this was going to happen, but, now it has I have no interest in persuing anything else right now.

So if her situation is anything like mine, basically, she probably did want to meet you, she probably does like you, but the other guys already one step infront, and my case at least, taking up her interest. There's not much you can do if that's the case, so don't take it personally.
posted by Tingle at 6:21 PM on February 2, 2009

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