Don't bake my heart

December 10, 2009 2:44 PM

Help me brainstorm a way to ask out a girl. But wait! There are complications.

Anonymous because people I know, know I'm on here.

Most days for lunch I pop down to the local bakery (a 15 minute car journey), and in the last couple of weeks a new girl started working there. She is absolutely beautiful, and I of course have developed a crush on her. This is pretty unusual as I don't meet too many women, and the last crush I had was probably about 2 years ago. But she had just gotten married, and was therefore off-limits.

Anyway, now for the interesting bit. This girl doesn't work on the counter, she works in the kitchen, and I only really see her briefly when she comes out with customer's sandwiches. So i've never really spoken to her but to say thanks as she's handed over my own sandwiches a couple of times (this sounds so lame).

The women (all middle aged) who do work on the counter are all very nice, although I think a bit intimidated by me as I'm 6'5" and look a bit unusual.

So, the questions are:

1. Can you think of a way to ask this girl out that wouldn't involve me asking someone on the counter first, or performing a 'stake out'.
2. If the best course of action is asking someone at the counter about her, how can I broach the subject? Remember, I see these people most days, and they are involved in my lunch.
3. How would you feel if someone did this to you? Would you see it as charming, or a bit weird, or something else? Taking into account that I'm not exactly a looker.

Thanks in advance for your answers.

posted by anonymous to human relations (25 answers total)

Go to the place at closing time so maybe she's not in the kitchen? When she brings out your sandwich, say "Hi, what's your name?" Ask one of the middle-aged ladies if she's single?
posted by jckll at 2:52 PM on December 10, 2009

Meeting her accidentally somewhere else would be easiest: "Hey, you look familiar. Do you work at the bakery?"

Also, there's more than enough info in your question to identify you to anyone who reads MeFi and knows you, so unless you made some of that up, the "anonymous" is sort of moot.
posted by rokusan at 2:57 PM on December 10, 2009

I don't see an easy (emphasis on easy) way you can ask her out without going through the middle aged women.

My suggestion: show up at a not-busy time (e.g.: not when the place is packed for lunch and she's got ten thousand things to do,) be perfectly polite and an absolute dear to the counter ladies and they'll probably think it is cute, no matter what you look like. At the least they can clue you in to whether she is single or not.

It is fortunate that you seem like a pretty (visually) memorable person, so even if you don't get to see her and just leave your phone number they'll be able to tell her that"oh, the tall guy with the dreadlocks/mohawk/eyepatch/robot arm left this."
posted by griphus at 2:59 PM on December 10, 2009 [2 favorites]

Hmm... Given the number of complaints from women on this site about annoying guys bugging them for dates all the time perhaps this isn't the best idea. If she is as beautiful as you say, she probably gets asked out all the time, and may not be interested in dating some random person she knows nothing about and likes her based on nothing but her appearance.

For example this comment in particular complaining about, among other things, being hit on random men in non-social situations (in this case waiting for the bus).

I remember when I was teenager once chatting with a woman who worked at a gas station. She had a name tag and at some point I called her by that name. She said it wasn't actually her name, she wore a different name tag because guys would call up the store trying to ask her out.

So I would say don't bother. If you really want to you should eat there more and hope that she brings out your sandwich again and then ask her out then.

Also, maybe you should just try online dating. Girls online wouldn't have any more reason to reject you out of hand then this girl would.
posted by delmoi at 3:09 PM on December 10, 2009 [2 favorites]

Can you think of a way to ask this girl out that wouldn't involve me asking someone on the counter first, or performing a 'stake out'.

Yeah, post a "missed connection" to CraigsList.
posted by Jaltcoh at 3:09 PM on December 10, 2009 [4 favorites]

Cater some sort of small party/lunch/whatever and ask the middle age ladies if your crush can do the delivery (they'll know where this is going).
posted by teg4rvn at 3:10 PM on December 10, 2009

If she is as beautiful as you say, she probably gets asked out all the time, and may not be interested in dating some random person she knows nothing about and likes her based on nothing but her appearance.

If she's as beautiful as he says, then she might not get asked out as often as you might think, as I've found that guys assume that extremely beautiful women are already taken or wouldn't give them a second thought.

Anyway, smile at her if she brings out your lunch. Say hello. If you catch her at a slower moment, ask her how her day is going. Start small, and work your way up. I dated a guy that I met in such a fashion: he was one of my customers, and he took the time to smile and make brief small talk and ask my name. I'm sure the counter ladies will pick up on your efforts, and may be interested in helping you out; if it wasn't for one of my coworkers my customer and I never would have stopped fumbling and overthinking long enough to exchange phone numbers.

Seconding the idea of catching her when she's not busy; during the slower times at my restaurant it was nice to be able to take a moment out of the kitchen and chat with the customers that I had come to know.
posted by alynnk at 3:21 PM on December 10, 2009 [2 favorites]

The women (all middle aged) who do work on the counter are all very nice

These women are your potential allies. Be nice to them and politely inquire if she's seeing anyone at that moment and see what the answer is. They may be willing to play a bit of matchmaker if you seem decent enough, i.e. they could put in a good word for you and let her know you're interested.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 3:25 PM on December 10, 2009 [10 favorites]

For example this comment in particular complaining about, among other things, being hit on random men in non-social situations (in this case waiting for the bus).

There's a world of difference between all the crap in that comment and the situation in this Askme. To equate the two is a grossly wrong judgement.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 3:54 PM on December 10, 2009

I'm with Mr Blatcher on this one. Chat with the counter ladies, and let them be the filter or buffer between her and you. They'll understand what's up; there's no need for you to be pushy.
posted by Forktine at 3:58 PM on December 10, 2009

To get a date, you have to meet her first. I don't think she'll say yes if you first come on her radar when you ask her on a date. You need to start ordering a lot of sandwiches. A LOT. Start with small talk, see where things go. You could ask the ladies if she's single to save yourself some embarassment, but that could cut down on the fun anticipation.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 4:00 PM on December 10, 2009 [3 favorites]

[comments removed - please stop with the sarcasm and the derails and either answer the question or feel free not to, thanks.]
posted by jessamyn at 4:11 PM on December 10, 2009

The next time she comes out with your sandwich, ask her if she's the one in the back that makes the sandwiches, because you really liked the [last one you had.] If she's noticed the distinctive you previously and is already interested, she'll respond with something like "then why didn't you order it this time?" which gives you a couple of flirty potential responses about being adventurous or whatnot. If she hasn't noticed you before, your opening should be enough for her to notice you, and you can try again next time (say, if she says she doesn't make the sandwiches, "they teaching you how to make the sandwiches yet?" next time) and see if she runs with it. Based on how the conversation goes, standard friend-or-acquaintance-or-potential date rules apply.

However, in light of women getting harassed as much as they do, if by the second time she's not engaging you in conversation beyond very short answers, let it go and meet more women so you have more to crush on.
posted by davejay at 4:14 PM on December 10, 2009 [2 favorites]

The women (all middle aged) who do work on the counter are all very nice, although I think a bit intimidated by me as I'm 6'5" and look a bit unusual.

These middle aged women are your allies. use them--tell them you have a crush on the beautiful girl that works behind the counter. They will do the rest.
posted by Ironmouth at 4:29 PM on December 10, 2009 [2 favorites]

On preview, what everyone else said.
posted by Ironmouth at 4:30 PM on December 10, 2009

What everyone else said was creepy. The "charm the pants off the other women" answer is correct.
posted by Zambrano at 4:37 PM on December 10, 2009

How would you feel if someone did this to you? Would you see it as charming, or a bit weird, or something else?

It's hard to say. I had people ask for my phone number when I was a waitress, and I was a combination of flattered and put-off by it. I never had anyone be outright skeezy or anything about it, so the only reason it was off-putting was because it would be another "argh, now I have to reject another guy again" situation and it gets tiresome to have it happen most nights you're on shift. Also, I would never go out with someone I just met who doesn't know anything about me; though the gesture can be endearing when the guy is nice, I'm just not attracted to people I hardly know.

That said, I never begrudged anyone for asking; I had coworkers who were happy to date customers and you can't read someone's mind before you ask them out to know if it'll be bothersome or not. When it comes down to it, bothering me a little bit isn't a big deal; it's just part of life that sometimes people will bother you without doing anything wrong. If I had it my way, no one except close friends would ever ask me out EVER, but that's not a reasonable way for the world to function. What's more, a different woman could find the same gesture quite sweet and date you for that alone.

There's a whole other level to your situation because you don't have much interaction with her and you'll probably have to go through the ladies at the counter. Personally, I wouldn't think there was anything creepy/stalkerish/whatever about that because you don't have any other ways to approach her, but other people -- especially people who never seem to put themselves in other people's shoes -- might think it's creepy, sure.

In other words, you can't know how she's going to feel. However, what you're trying to do is reasonable enough and you know you're not trying to stalk her and you don't have nefarious intentions, so that'll have to be enough to keep you from feeling too bad if things don't go the way you hope.

Give it a shot and go through the ladies at the counter.
posted by Nattie at 5:20 PM on December 10, 2009

We middleaged ladies like to matchmake. Please utilize them as they are an advantage!
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 5:43 PM on December 10, 2009 [2 favorites]

I say leave her a short note - give it to her directly, or give it to one of the ladies to pass on. Just tell her you think she looks like a nice person and you'd like to ask her out/get to know her,etc. Ask her to ignore you completely if she's not interested, or if she is, to not be in such a hurry to get back to the kitchen. Don´t leave your number - she won't call you.

Come back to eat - if she ignores you and rushes back to the kitchen, forget about it. If she acknowledges you and actually comes out to serve you, and doesn't seem to be in a super hurry to get back to the kitchen, you´re in.

In doesn't mean she´ll go out with you - it just means she´s open to your attention. Take it from there - the worst is over.
posted by Locochona at 5:46 PM on December 10, 2009

There's a world of difference between all the crap in that comment and the situation in this Askme. To equate the two is a grossly wrong judgement.

I just realized I wrote the comment that was linked... yeah, Brandon Blatcher has it right here. I tried to make a few things clear in that comment: 1) there's nothing wrong with talking to women or asking them out unless they're sending signals that they don't want to talk, and 2) it becomes way problematic and disrespectful to be pushy once it's clear a woman isn't interested in talking/dating. The comment was intended to point out that some men do not respect those signals and that shapes women's behavior to be more terse and closed off to strangers so they leave no room for interpretation. The intention was not to make guys feel like they can't ever ask a woman out unless they're in an especially social situation, it was to let them know not to take it too personally if they're nice to a woman and she's terse in return. The idea is ask women out all you want, just accept their answer and don't try to make them change their mind or tell them they're a bitch for not being friendlier.

People ask each other out all the time, in all sorts of situations. I don't think the OP is doing anything particularly weird or overly bothersome. It might bother her a little, based on her personality and pet peeves, but if we never talked to each other for fear of potentially bothering other people, mankind would die out. OP would only be entering problematic territory if she turns him down and he doesn't immediately drop the issue. Since he seems pretty cautious of the situation and considerate of her feelings, I would be surprised if he's going to get anywhere near problematic territory.
posted by Nattie at 5:58 PM on December 10, 2009 [2 favorites]

So I would say don't bother. If you really want to you should eat there more and hope that she brings out your sandwich again and then ask her out then.

Also, maybe you should just try online dating. Girls online wouldn't have any more reason to reject you out of hand then this girl would.

Please IGNORE everything delmoi wrote! Faint heart never won fair lady.

I've asked out women in similar positions. They've said yes/no. We've gone out on dates/moved on, without disrupting my ability to eat/shop there.

Life is too fracking short & lonely to not try!
posted by IAmBroom at 6:06 PM on December 10, 2009 [2 favorites]

yes, i agree that charming the other ladies is the first step.

how about buying her a drink? when you pay for your order, tell the lady to send a snapple of her choice back to the kitchen, with compliments for the chef. if you have already done your work and have a reputation for being charming and dear to the ladies, the beloved will say, "who's that from?" and the lady will say, "that really nice tall guy."

then she'll know who you are. if she comes out to thank you, just smile, introduce yourself, and say you just wanted to thank her for making your lunches so pleasant. then you kind of have to see how it goes--but understand that she's on the clock at a busy time of day, so she may not be as free to chat as you'd want.

my guess is that she will either (a) not be interested, but since she can "hide" from you pretty easily, it won't be awkward, or (b) buy you a cookie with her phone number taped to it (if she doesn't, she's a dope.)

oh my, i think i just wrote a romantic comedy. good luck.
posted by thinkingwoman at 4:25 AM on December 11, 2009

teg4rvn: "Cater some sort of small party/lunch/whatever and ask the middle age ladies if your crush can do the delivery (they'll know where this is going)."

Ooh, no, please don't do that. "Please make sure my sandwiches are delivered by the beautiful woman in the kitchen..." If I were one of the middle-aged ladies I would make sure not to send her, as I would fear for her safety.
posted by The corpse in the library at 7:51 AM on December 11, 2009 [1 favorite]

@The corpse in the library: Totally understand. What my head was thinking when I typed that was, "Cater an event (e.g., lunch at an old-age home, boys and girls club, religious organization, ANY recognizable organization, etc..)...NOT..."send pretty girl to this apartment address {heavy breathing---heavy breathing}."
posted by teg4rvn at 10:26 AM on December 11, 2009

davejay has it, from my female perspective. Chat her up and see how she reacts. It's a quick way to figure out how she feels without the whole place giggling every time you walk in the door.
posted by caveat at 11:06 AM on December 11, 2009