Staying on good terms with SO's ex?

August 18, 2008 7:33 AM

Staying on good terms with SO's ex?

Protagonist was friendly acquaintances with X & Y separately, having a lot in common with both--he even met X through Y. X & Y had ugly break-up, with X deciding she never wanted to speak to Y again, something she's held to. Protagonist was shoulder to both parties in immediate aftermath, though begged off speaking to Y about it once it became awkward to be keeping confidences from both.

After it was clear matters were irreconcilable, and giving notice to Y that he was going to make a move, Protagonist started dating X and a year later moved in with her. No apparent hard feelings from Y, who's moved on--Protagonist and X (and Y and his new partner) have now been dating for years, more than twice as long as X & Y were. Protagonist and Y have left the matter unspoken, though have cordially sporadically corresponded via e-mail on the "Congratulations on the new job" or a "Here's an academic article on the subject of your blog post question" level.

But X is still quite angry at Y, gets mad even when hearing his name, or about his employer.

As Protagonist sees it, both Protagonist and X are better off because X and Y broke up, and X says she's happier, too. But that hasn't translated into forgiveness; X holds grudges. Meanwhile all three are likely to move in the same small academic circles in our obscure field. This is awkward for Protagonist, who doesn't like unnecessarily snubbing people.

Y has a made "friend" request to Protagonist on Facebook--Y just moved to Protagonist & X's city; they have 17 friends in common, which perhaps understates the number of common friends, given how many they have outside of Facebook.

Protagonist's first duty is obviously to X; he's not going to accept the friend request. How to explain to Y politely and keep open the lines of communication while not betraying X's confidences? (Protagonist thinks Y's Facebook request is sincere, though acknowledges it's not outside the realm of possibility that he's passive-aggressively needling X.) Raising subject with X just upsets her, so we're at a dead end there.

posted by anonymous to human relations (19 answers total)

X needs to grow up, really. This is high school crap.

However, you've decided to play along, so... send Y a message through Facebook saying "Hi, great to hear from you and I'd love to keep in touch, but X gets all snakey when she hears/sees your name, and I'd like to avoid the stress. So how about we keep in touch via email, rather than friending?"

Of course, now you're going to have to be duplicitous with X. Especially if you (re)develop your friendship with Y.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 7:43 AM on August 18, 2008

The question, with pseudonyms:

Jes was friendly acquaintances with Pat & Joe separately, having a lot in common with both--he even met Pat through Joe. Pat & Joe had ugly break-up, with Pat deciding she never wanted to speak to Joe again, something she's held to. Jes was shoulder to both parties in immediate aftermath, though begged off speaking to Joe about it once it became awkward to be keeping confidences from both.

After it was clear matters were irreconcilable, and giving notice to Joe that he was going to make a move, Jes started dating Pat and a year later moved in with her. No apparent hard feelings from Joe, who's moved on--Jes and Pat (and Joe and his new partner) have now been dating for years, more than twice as long as Pat & Joe were. Jes and Joe have left the matter unspoken, though have cordially sporadically corresponded via e-mail on the "Congratulations on the new job" or a "Here's an academic article on the subject of your blog post question" level.

But Pat is still quite angry at Joe, gets mad even when hearing his name, or about his employer.

As Jes sees it, both Jes and Pat are better off because Pat and Joe broke up, and Pat says she's happier, too. But that hasn't translated into forgiveness; Pat holds grudges. Meanwhile all three are likely to move in the same small academic circles in our obscure field. This is awkward for Jes, who doesn't like unnecessarily snubbing people.

Joe has a made "friend" request to Jes on Facebook--Joe just moved to Jes & Pat's city; they have 17 friends in common, which perhaps understates the number of common friends, given how many they have outside of Facebook.

Jes's first duty is obviously to Pat; he's not going to accept the friend request. How to explain to Joe politely and keep open the lines of communication while not betraying Pat's confidences? (Jes thinks Joe's Facebook request is sincere, though acknowledges it's not outside the realm of possibility that he's passive-aggressively needling Pat.) Raising subject with Pat just upsets her, so we're at a dead end there.
posted by bigmusic at 7:47 AM on August 18, 2008

"Dear Y, While I appreciate the gesture, I can't accept your friend request out of loyalty to X. I do wish you well, and hope you enjoy your time here in city." From the sounds of it, X's feelings about Y are well known by all parties involved, so while any rejection stings, this shouldn't come as a surprise. Most people would understand that you would have to support your partner over a casual acquaintance.
posted by katemcd at 7:48 AM on August 18, 2008

Sometimes you simply have to make the choice between two folks when they break up, and can't have it both ways. You're risking your relationship with X to covertly be friendly with Y, and if you continue you should be aware of the blow-up that will eventually result when X finds out (and she will, eventually).

Not everyone can get over a bad break-up (particularly if Y cheated on X or otherwise betrayed her, you cannot necessarily expect time to heal this wound) - if you want to be with X, you might simply have to live with that fact and move on from Y, too. (Honestly if Y knows how X still feels it's a bit weasly for him to have sent you a friend request, which is a very public statement should you confirm it.)
posted by aught at 7:52 AM on August 18, 2008

My instinct is to suggest you figure out how to talk to X about your desire to stay on good terms with Y. Knowing more about why she hates him, or in what way, would help.
posted by salvia at 8:04 AM on August 18, 2008

Tell the dude you can't hang out with him because your girlfriend doesn't like it, and call it a day. If your girlfriend has already made it clear how she feels about the situation, then I' not sure it's worth your trouble pissing her off so you can hang out with some random acquaintance.
posted by chunking express at 8:08 AM on August 18, 2008

Let me play devil's advocate here for a second: If Y is an otherwise cool and friendly guy, there's no need to get caught up in something as stupid as playing games with facebook friend status. Just because you're dating X doesn't mean you can't call her on her bullshit. If Y was abusive, cheated on her, etc. that's a whole different story, but if it was just a run of the mill acrimonious breakup, then you're under no obligation to share X's (irrational?) anger toward Y. Explain to her that 1) just because she is angry at Y doesn't mean that anger automatically transfers to you; 2) you work in the same field as Y and it's better that things be awkward between two colleagues/acquaintances than three; and 3) that going along with this whole ridiculous high-school drama thing implies approval of it and you don't want to be a party to it.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 8:24 AM on August 18, 2008 [1 favorite]

This ends up being a Facebook question??

Just use the same standard that you have off the internet. Does she know you keep in contact? Then I don't see why you don't accept the dang thing. You want to spare her having to see the announcement that you are now facebook friends? Can't you delete it or something?
posted by FuManchu at 8:30 AM on August 18, 2008

Raising subject with X just upsets her, so we're at a dead end there.

No, no we're not.

Sometimes people get upset. You can't let that cut off communication completely. You love her, and you need to communicate with her.

More than most things, I think, we need to be able to communicate about hurt with the ones we love.

Practice makes perfect.
posted by sondrialiac at 8:31 AM on August 18, 2008 [1 favorite]

Ask Y straight out, "Are you hoping to antagonise X...?"
Ask yourself - Is this who I want to be?
(Either Y did something unspeakable or you just needed to keep things friendly and follow the 'correct procedure' for these types of things? Or whatever the reason is?? Sometimes wiping someone to make an SO happy can be a good enough reason?)
And X... definitely sounds like she needs to get the fuck over it. Who cares, whatever it is, it's clearly not healthy.
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 8:38 AM on August 18, 2008

It doesn't sound to me like you can continue having a relationship with him. You can always just ignore it, or write a quick email saying that since the breakup your girlfriend wants to keep certain aspects of her life private. Out of respect for her feelings, you'd rather not be Facebook friends, nothing personal.
posted by xammerboy at 8:43 AM on August 18, 2008

You can turn off the automatic announcements to everyone else that you have a new friend. Do this before you accept the friend. Of course, X will still be able to tell.

This is not advice on whether accepting Y as a friend is a good idea.
posted by grouse at 10:25 AM on August 18, 2008

Uh, at some point, the one holding the grudge is just going to have to get over it. But that's not appearing like it's going to happen. What exactly was the breakup about? Why is she still holding a grudge after so long while she's with (who I presume to be) you?

And is it just me or are we having an abundance of anonymous questions that are making references that make it impossible to decipher?
posted by damnjezebel at 10:25 AM on August 18, 2008

Let me understand this, you are academics, and now have a Facebook issue to accept a friend invite? I am going to have to agree upthread and say, that this is a bit juvenile. Instead of holding grudges either get the vengeance or let it go. Your SO also has the option of being patient, and smile before delivering the killing blow, which in academia happens during tenure review time.

As an aside, this does not bode well if you ever decide to break up with your SO if she is holding on to a grudge from long ago. Is she going to continue holding this grudge when the other fellow is married or is this to include the generations down the line?

I think I need more detail but what has been provided so far leads one to a raised eyebrow.
posted by jadepearl at 11:32 AM on August 18, 2008

This is a ridiculous situation, and if I wanted to be friends with Y I would, and X could just deal with it or not.

That said.... there is a work around for this situation. Explain to Y that X would have a problem with you being friends. Ask Y to block X, and then you can accept Y's friend request without X ever knowing about it. X will not be able to see Y in your friends list or see anything Y might leave on your page.
posted by orange swan at 6:19 PM on August 18, 2008

as everyone else has said (or should say) this is a ridiculous situation. i have never understood why people feel they have a right to regulate who other people should be friends with. if a person doesn't want to be friends with a particular person, that is certainly their right. but to have the audacity to dictate to someone else who they should be friends with is beyond the pale. why do you even want to date someone as immature as X? for the love of god…what other thing in the future is X going to demand you refrain from because X doesn't like it?
posted by violetk at 9:37 PM on August 18, 2008

This isn't a ridiculous situation. I know plenty of women that hate their ex's. (And men I suppose as well.) I don't think it's uncommon at all, so people grand standing need to get a grip.

What is ridiculous is the Facebook drama aspect of this question. You can reject his friend request and still be friends. Just because you aren't friends on Facebook doesn't mean you can't be friends in real life. Seriously. My wife is on Facebook, but i'm not. We're still married, even though I don't exist on that site. I shit you not.
posted by chunking express at 6:23 AM on August 19, 2008

This isn't a ridiculous situation. I know plenty of women that hate their ex's. (And men I suppose as well.) I don't think it's uncommon at all, so people grand standing need to get a grip.

Hating your ex is one thing. Forbidding your current from being friends with your ex, when they were friends before you even came on the scene is what is ridiculous. That seriously is highschool bullshit. Junior high, even.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 7:39 AM on August 19, 2008

This isn't a ridiculous situation. I know plenty of women that hate their ex's. (And men I suppose as well.) I don't think it's uncommon at all, so people grand standing need to get a grip.

i never said it was ridiculous to hate your ex. ppl can hate their exes all they want. read what i wrote again. it's ridiculous to try to dictate to someone else who they can and can not be friends with.
posted by violetk at 10:04 AM on August 19, 2008