Your mother said, your father said

August 10, 2008 7:00 PM

My parents have announced they're separating. I'm an independent adult, my sibling's a dependent adult. Any advice on how to support them and each other, and how to stay out of the mudslinging?

I'm in my late twenties and living in another town, and my brother's in his very early twenties and living with my parents. When I visited last week, they sat us down and announced they were separating. Neither of us were surprised.

My parents have obviously been unhappy for years and I don't know the particulars, but I don't think there was infidelity involved. However, a few years ago we all took part in a failed intervention for one parent who is functional but has a drinking problem, and the intervenee was absolutely livid, denied it all and blamed the other parent for making it up and dragging us into it.

Somehow, they've lived together since. They're still living together but have separate rooms.

I am reasonably close with both of my parents but the addiction and the extreme tolerance of the other parent's bad behaviour, I gotta admit, giving me a slight bias even though I know neither has been without fault.

They're not announcing any particular course of action but there's a house they own and since they can barely be around each other for minutes without passive-aggressive bickering, I am hoping they move apart soon. While visiting, I was a bit of a pawn in the arguments (they both offered to collect me when I arrived in the city) and while I care a huge amount about them both, that bothered me a lot.

I don't plan to indulge either in talking about the other but I don't want to be cold or shut them out.

My brother and I are friendly and get along, but we don't do a whole lot of deep Feelings conversations. I don't know that he does them with anyone. He's been quite spoilt (starting due to his own history of health problems) but is a good guy with great supportive friends, and he's in vocational training now that should lead to him being financially independent in a few years.

I am single, female, doing fine otherwise in life aside from recovering from an abusive relationship, and no longer drink after too much exposure to my parent's problem. Not in therapy and in my current location it's not viable but I can plan it if it's vital, and I'm not in the US.

* How should I behave to support them while making it clear that neither my brother nor I can be the supportive listener while they badmouth the other parent?

* What should I expect in the coming months/years, and how should I look after myself through it?

* How can I support my brother? He won't read self-help books, doesn't meditate and already has a therapist.

* Any other miscellaneous issues I haven't thought of here?

Any advice would be hugely appreciated, as my friends with separated/divorced parents all went through this as kids or teenagers and the issues were quite different.

Throwaway email at [e-mail], happy to clarify via someone else, anonymous only for my family's sake. Thanks!

posted by anonymous to human relations (3 comments total)

My parents also split when I was was an independent adult (well, not financially, but I was in grad school and lived across the country). I don't have any sibblings, so I don't have any suggestions for relating to your bro. I think the strongest emotion I felt was grief although I'm not sure I knew that's what it was at the time. Although my parents' relationship was strained for a long time, I definitely grieved for the loss of our family unit.

Although fortunately neither of my parents has a substance abuse problem, my dad was the "instigator" of the separation and I felt a lot of animosity towards him about it. It took a while before I realized that being mad at him was pointless. I have had a lot of long, honest discussions with him since the split, and I feel so much closer to him now than ever before. Actually, I am closer to both of my parents now. I can relate to them one-on-one instead of as a unit. I can honestly say that they are each so much happier now, and they've each grown as individuals.

The badmouthing is definitely hard. You need to be very firm with both of them. For me, it was hard with my mom because we used to have a lot of jokes about my quirky dad. Post-split, I wouldn't realize that a joke would suddenly turn into something much more negative until it was too late. Just have a zero-tolerance policy. I actually suggest not talking about either to the other at all. It's very hard in the beginning, because you're used to relating anecdotes about one to the other. However, either the parent a) won't want to hear it because it brings up hurtful emotions, b) will hang on to your every word so s/he can use it against the other later, or c) it will turn into badmouthing.

Also, let them both know that when you're home, you will make an effort to spend time with both of them and their respective families (if applicable), but you refuse to be guilt tripped.

If they are selling the house, I'd also advise staying out of that as well. If they are doing any staging, I don't recommend being home for that - it's freakin weird. (I was home for the staging/selling, but only because a bitch named Katrina forced me out of New Orleans for a few months!)

If I think of anything else I'll come back and add it.

It sounds like you are taking things well and being a good big sister. Best of luck.
posted by radioamy at 7:29 PM on August 10, 2008

As far as your brother goes, I think the best course of action is to let him deal with it his own way, while being clear that you are always there for him in whatever capacity you can be.
Essentially, sit him down and say something big sisterly asserting that he is an adult and you're confident that he can handle himself in this sort of situation, but if he ever needs to talk or just get out of the house for the weekend or whatever (tailor to what is possible.), you always have an ear and a couch and a whatever set aside just for him.
posted by The Esteemed Doctor Bunsen Honeydew at 10:13 PM on August 10, 2008

I'd say the best thing you can do is to take care of your brother. Whatever happens between your parents is between grown adults with a lifetime of dealing with emotions and each other. Your brother is the perfect pawn, because he is dependent while he is living in the house and easily accessible to both your parents. From experience, the biggest problem will be when the house is sold and he goes to live with one of them, thus making him the 'enemy' of the other.

As The Esteemed Doctor suggested, make sure he knows there's someplace else he can go for a break and a friendly ear. If you usually act big sisterly, talk to your parents (individually) directly about him and make it a condition to you supporting both of them as long as they don't force your brother to take sides.

Refusing to hear them badmouth each other is very hard to enforce, my solution was just to say I'd leave if I heard another word about mom/dad. After actually leaving a few times, they mostly got the point even if they can't stop the occasional snide remark.

As far as the coming years are, it really depends on your parents' attitude towards each other. If they part in a 'friendly' manner (i.e. split the house in equal shares and don't fight about who keeps the dog), it's not unreasonable to be able to see them together in the same room some time later as they won't have anything/any reason to fight about anymore so bitterly. However, if it turns out to be a big conflict... Let's say my father will still slip into badmouthing my mother to me and my sister, 9 years after the divorce, and refuse to enter a house she is in. Refusing to enter the conversation and deflecting to another subject is the usual attitude we adopt. You just have to get used to not making reference to the other while visiting. Interestingly, they are still curious about what the other one does at the moment and can turn it into a new reason to dislike the other. Those questions are the hardest to avoid, we just say as little as possible.

You can take heart in the way your parents acted responsibly, announcing the separation to both you and your brother. It seems they are working together on that separation, which should lead to a positive outcome for everyone. Just make sure your little brother knows he can call on you anytime for help if it gets just too much for him.
posted by tweemy at 2:13 AM on August 11, 2008