Mysterious new relationship sadness and uncertainty
August 7, 2008 5:26 PM Subscribe
I'm having trouble understanding and dealing with a sudden wave of sadness which came over me while leaving a new romantic partner's house. (Overly long relationshipfilter details follow.)
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (16 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
I have been seeing X (who is a woman, I'm a man, we're in our early 30s) on and off for a month and a half or so, and overall things have been going well. We've spent a lot of time with each other, and have talked in great detail about our lives and past relationships, and had lots of good sex. But a few days ago when I was leaving her house I was suddenly struck by an overwhelming feeling of sadness, and ever since then I've been feeling really depressed and obsessing about our relationship. I need help understanding where the feeling comes from and getting some perspective on the relationship.
I've heard of people getting sad after sex, but it's never really happened to me before. The thing that is most puzzling to me is that I can't tell what the cause of the sadness is. I definitely feel that it's about X, but I can't tell what the actual cause of it is. I almost feel as if I'm mourning the loss of her before we've actually broken up. Directly before that we'd been talking about her past sexual experiences and my previous long-term relationship.
As a little background, we've been seeing each other a lot but we haven't really had the talk about whether we're dating other people and if we want to be monogamous. I feel like we're going to need to have the talk pretty soon for my own comfort, but I've been a little put off because I'm having a hard time reading her and what her romantic feelings towards me are. I've occasionally felt that when I've made overtures to her that hinted at deeper feelings, she didn't quite reciprocate. She does seem to enjoy hanging out with me, but in moments of doubt I wonder if it's a sexual thing. And I always seem to be the one who initiates contact with her.
X is extremely independent, and that's something that really attracts me to her and also something I value highly in myself. It really bothers me that my own emotional state suddenly seems to be so affected by her in such a negative way - it makes me feel vulnerable and needy. My last relationship was kind of unhealthy that way and I hoped I had outgrown that.
So here are the things I need help with:
1. How can I get a gauge on her feelings towards me without seeming clingy or desperate? In particular, I'm worried that if I bring up the whole monogamy / relationship talk at this point, I'll be rushing things.
2. How can I disengage a little and not be so worried about (1)? I need some practical techniques to obsess over her and the whole situation less, or at least to become more at ease with things being sort of up in the air right now.
3. The sadness I was talking about is still with me several days later and I'm having trouble understanding what its source is and getting over it. Right now I can't really talk to my good friends who I'd ordinarily consult about this (logistical reasons) and I would appreciate any advice about it.
(Private advice is also welcome at omne.animal.triste.est at gmail.)