Should I insist he tell me he loves me?
July 22, 2008 7:31 AM Subscribe
I'm verbal. He's not. Is our relationship doomed?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (23 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
I have been with my wonderful S.O. for nearly five years. I truly adore him and can't even begin to describe the ways he's contributed to my life; he is my best friend, is an amazing lover, and an all-around great guy.
Problem: I'm hyperverbal and expressive. He...is not. Add past relationship trauma to the mix and you get a whole lot of insecurity.
He blames some messed-up relationships for the fact that he can't (or won't) tell me he loves me. I am too afraid of rocking the boat to insist he expresses his love in words. To clarify, he is considerate, kind, and loving in deed, just not in words. On occasion he will go into hermit mode and refuse to touch or be touched (he has ultra-sensitivity issues and insomnia that prevent us from sharing the same bedroom), but this tends to be the exception rather than the rule and I do my best to be understanding and give him space.
Still, something inside me yearns for A Declaration. I feel in my heart that if I insisted on it, he would be unable to do so. This hurts, but not as much as the thought of not having him in my life.
I guess my question is, is a relationship without verbal expressions of love doomed? How have you dealt with similar issues? If you have a hard time saying "I love you," how come? Should actions speak louder than words? Am I obsessing over something that's irrelevant?
DTMFA advice is really unnecessary, as I have no plans to break up with this person any time soon. Questions or more personal advice welcome at firstname.lastname@example.org.