Toucha-toucha-toucha touch me

July 11, 2008 2:06 AM

How do I go about finding platonic physical affection?

Due to a lifestyle that involves lots of travelling and an awkwardness with meeting people, it's been about 19 months since I've had any kind of physical affection with much of anything and it's driving me up the wall at the moment. I hear that a pet is one solution, but not only do I not like pets, my travels prevent me from owning one. Any suggestions on finding someone/thing to touch?

I specify platonic because I find one-night stands dissatisfying, plus it's hard to start a relationship when you simultaneously have difficulty meeting people and don't live in any one place for more than eight months.

posted by Ndwright to human relations (33 comments total)

Massage. Legit massage, I mean.
posted by orthogonality at 2:12 AM on July 11, 2008

Could you work on increasing your tactileness in a non-sleazy way? You know, getting used to shaking hands, patting someone on the back to congratulate them, hugging people when you say hello and goodbye, that sort of thing. Just slowly, increment by increment, work on getting more physical contact in your everyday interactions with friends and colleagues. Learning how to be tactifully tactile, as it were, sends cues to other tactile people that you're comfortable with that, and you'll gradually find yourself getting more of it back.

I also suspect that finding ways of addressing your awkwardness around meeting people would help. As above, you can take baby steps. Join a book club/yoga class/circuit training group/chess club/insert interest where it won't matter if you miss sessions because of travel commitments. The more time you spend interacting with people in a purely social setting, the easier it will get. I mean, sure, you could buy a jumbo teddy and hug that as a stop gap, and there's nothing wrong with that, but you seem to want someone who can maybe hug you back a little. Sorry if this advice sounds ridiculously patronising - it's not meant to be! Good luck.
posted by RokkitNite at 2:50 AM on July 11, 2008

I totally agree with orthogonality. A nice hour long massage would probably help a lot.
posted by gwenlister at 4:24 AM on July 11, 2008

Possibly consider volunteering to work with small children, the elderly, or the mentally challenged? None of those would place huge demands on your social skills, and all three groups seem like they might be more open about giving and receiving physical affection than the average adult. Plus, you'd be helping people who might be every bit as lonely as you are.
posted by Bardolph at 4:26 AM on July 11, 2008

You say you want to touch something, but is it OK if you are the being touched and not doing any touching? If so, I agree with orthogonality. Go get yourself some regular massage.
Massage provides one-on-one, non-judgemental, physical contact for however long the session is. Even though it's one way touch, it might be sufficient to satisfy your tactile need and I'm sure it would have other benefits as well (yay endorphins).
I see many clients who I know/suspect are lacking physical affection in their lives. Sadly many people don't get much touch, or "strings-free" touch and I think that's terribly unfair. Massage can get your body used to touch & help you to feel comfortable in your own body, which can boost your confidence when you're looking to form other tactile relationships. Please free to memail me if you have questions you'd rather ask in private.
posted by goshling at 4:45 AM on July 11, 2008

yeah, massage therapy is good stuff.
posted by rmd1023 at 4:57 AM on July 11, 2008

Oh, just to clarify, I am a massage therapist, and "get a massage" is pretty much my stock standard answer to most AskMe questions (and to all life's problems).

Also, many adult education institutes offer Introduction to Massage courses. I can't tell where you are, but if massage piques your interest, I bet you can find short courses that last from 1 weekend or 1 night a week for a few weeks/months, where you can learn basic massage skills. In these classes, attendees usually practice on each other, so you could go along, learn a great skill that will enhance your future personal relationships and maybe make you some new friends as you learn. Again, do feel free to memail me if you want some pointers on massage classes & what to avoid.
posted by goshling at 4:58 AM on July 11, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

The media was reporting on a trend a year or so ago about slumber parties for adults where the participants would platonically snuggle (no sex was allowed; the whole point to the party was exactly your unmet need). I'm sure these are still going on somewhere but I can't think of the right search terms.
posted by desjardins at 5:03 AM on July 11, 2008

Free Hugs.
The video, the song, the story move me to tears every time. A brilliant and beautiful lesson in how to attract affection. It's the old old story - to get it, you gotta give it.
posted by Kerasia at 5:09 AM on July 11, 2008 [4 favorites has favorites]

desjardins: "The media was reporting on a trend a year or so ago about slumber parties for adults where the participants would platonically snuggle (no sex was allowed; the whole point to the party was exactly your unmet need). I'm sure these are still going on somewhere but I can't think of the right search terms."

Could it have been cuddle parties you were thinking about?
posted by esilenna at 5:34 AM on July 11, 2008

There is a type of dancing called "Contact" that some people I knew years ago used to solve this problem...it's granola-ey but not creepy and is just a very touchy type of dance.
posted by sweetkid at 5:45 AM on July 11, 2008

This massage therapist recommends massage as well ... but ... if you are lonely for more than platonic touch then bartering for massage is a good idea. Currently I barter for massage with another therapist, for grey-covering hair color at my local aveda salon, and for guitar lessons for my teenager. These mutually beneficial business relationships are friendly & fun, and they're helping me make social connections in the city I just moved to.
posted by headnsouth at 6:02 AM on July 11, 2008

it's been about 19 months since I've had any kind of physical affection with much of anything and it's driving me up the wall at the moment.

I specify platonic because I find one-night stands dissatisfying, plus it's hard to start a relationship when you simultaneously have difficulty meeting people and don't live in any one place for more than eight months.

Wow people. I don't see a massage - even a good one - coming anywhere close to fulfilling this need. Might just make matters worse.

It seems a "friends with benefits" solution is more what Ndwright is thinking about. Physically, but not romantically involved, but much more than a back-seat bang.

This can work or it can be really awkward. After my own awkward experiences I wouldn't recommend it for myself ever again, but YMMV.
posted by three blind mice at 6:02 AM on July 11, 2008

I also thought he was just asking for the best way to find a fuck-buddy. I hope that doesn't make me shallow... LOL.

If it's merely human contact you're looking for vice a fuck-buddy situation, then I think team-yoga or dance classes might be a good choice. If it's a fuck-buddy you're looking for - well you obviously know how to use the internet.

BTW... I enjoyed the 'free hugs' website and video.
posted by matty at 6:22 AM on July 11, 2008

What is your family situation like? I would think the first place to look would be there; parents and siblings and aunts and grandparents would be much more likely to respond positively to the "Dear family member; let this serve as a warning that from this day hence, hugs will be required at increasingly frequent intervals" talk.
posted by TheManChild2000 at 6:27 AM on July 11, 2008

I think when he said platonic he meant nonsexual.
posted by konolia at 6:32 AM on July 11, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

if you are lonely for more than platonic touch then bartering for massage is a good idea.

Um, by that I mean if platonic touch isn't what you're missing, but human contact, relationships, platonic companionship is really what you're feeling the need for, then the give-and-take of a bartering relationship might work for you.
posted by headnsouth at 6:32 AM on July 11, 2008

Well now I'm confused - since 'platonic' does mean non-sexual in the classic sense of the word. Hello Plato! I think to some in the vernacular it means 'non-loving' though. The OP talks about seeking out physical 'affection' and doesn't want a 'one night stand'.

But then he talks about pets - which sends it in the other direction! LOL

Maybe some clarification??
posted by matty at 6:39 AM on July 11, 2008

Slight derail: if three blind mice is correct (and I read it as such) then this article in New York Magazine provides some good scaffolding. Nussbaum posits that due to hectic work schedules that generate loneliness, we (well, women specifically, but the poster seems to express the same needs) rely on service industry massages to fill the physical void in our lives.
posted by zoomorphic at 7:10 AM on July 11, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Are you religious? How about church? Different affiliations have different traditions, of course, but some services regularly involve shaking hands with the people around you in the pews. Stick around for coffee and conversation afterward and you might get a friendly hug on the way out. Newcomers are generally welcome, and anywhere you are in the world you're likely to be near someplace that's having services on Sunday mornings...
posted by Sublimity at 7:17 AM on July 11, 2008

Although I personally find it strange, what about cuddle parties?
posted by pinksoftsoap at 7:19 AM on July 11, 2008

A friend of mine solved this by taking up swing dancing. The fact that you travel a lot is actually kind of a bonus, because people tend to travel to visit swing dance clubs in other cities and do competitions and such, so it is fairly common to have visitors from swing dance groups from other cities. If you joined a class for a few months and then travelled a bit with them, you would already have friends in other cities. It's also a super-easy way to meet people. To sum up the advantages:

- meet lots of people
- touch lots of people
- learn a new skill
- easy to start a conversation about different types of dance, the vibe of different cities/clubs, etc
- dancing can be sexy but it's no-strings-attached
- fits well with travel
- physical activity = endorphins
posted by heatherann at 8:14 AM on July 11, 2008

Have you tried Craig's List? There's a section specifically for those seeking "strictly platonic" relationships. I've heard good things about CL.
posted by ssnickerer at 8:14 AM on July 11, 2008

You could see if this hugging guru will be touring in your city.
posted by yarrow at 8:17 AM on July 11, 2008

Is LoveTribe in your city?
posted by ottereroticist at 9:21 AM on July 11, 2008

Thanks loads for the suggestions, guys. I can't believe I didn't think of massage. Dur. I'll get right on that. Any tips on finding out whether a massage parlor is seedy or not?

To clarify the comment about being awkward meeting people. I'm perfectly functional in social situations with people once I've gotten to know them a little, it's only the getting to know them in the first place bit I have trouble with.

I've had a passing interest in dance classes for a while, I never thought of connecting that to this problem. I'll look into what's available wherever I end up next month.

I've heard of cuddle parties (thus the tags "cuddle" and "party"), but they seem a little odd to me, I wasn't sure if they were real or not.

And yes, by "Platonic" I mean "non-sexual". There are already umpteen-thousand askme threads about finding fuckbuddies.
posted by Ndwright at 10:08 AM on July 11, 2008

If the granola-ey dancing sweetkid mentions upthread interests you, the search string you want for googling it is "contact improvisation" or "contact improv". It's neat stuff and the people who do it are often good for frequent platonic hugs as well.

On non-seedy massage: legit places won't call themselves massage parlors; they'll be called therapeutic massage centers or something to that effect, and will often have websites explaining their therapists' credentials and the different kinds of massage and other bodywork they do. Some will seem hippie-ish, some more spa-like.
posted by clavicle at 12:20 PM on July 11, 2008

Seconding dancing. Most dance people I know are very physical, and there is a lot of hugging at the start when you meet people - plus you get to hold them (and be held) while dancing.
posted by Arthur Dent at 12:40 PM on July 11, 2008

Any tips on finding out whether a massage parlor is seedy or not?

spas or salons who have massage therapists are legit, as are individual practicing LMTs (licensed massage therapist). there are also usually massage therapists in holistic centers that might offer yoga and things of that nature as well.
posted by violetk at 12:44 PM on July 11, 2008

Any tips on finding out whether a massage parlor is seedy or not?

The term "massage parlour" is an old euphemism and isn't used in legitimate circles. Most massage therapists hate the term as it conjours up a front for a brothel in the mind. A bunch of people on a mailing list I am on will do a letter writing campaign to any media outlet that uses the term, explaining why they find the term offensive and asking writers to use more appropriate terms. Many therapists also dislike "masseuse/masseur".

I still have no idea where you are located. Most countries have associations to which therapists belong. To join an association therapists must have a minimum level of education, insurance and annual continuing education. Of course, for political reasons, many excellent therapists exist outside of the associations. Many US states require therapists to be either state or nationally licensed.

I would think that where ever you are, you can pretty sure of finding "non seedy" therapists on the internet or in the yellow pages.
If you are in the USA, I'd suggest avoiding the franchise massage places, as they can make you feel like you are in a production line. Day spas will offer you more of a whole "experience", with lounge facilities, change/locker rooms, steam rooms, perhaps snack & beverages etc. but that comes with a higher price tag. If you're staying in hotels on your travels, many of them have in house massage or can recommend someone nearby for you.
posted by goshling at 4:24 PM on July 11, 2008

I went for maybe a handful of shiatsu massage sessions, which I'd recommend. It's a clothed type of massage (it sounds weird to point that out, but it made me feel more comfortable). It's not like the person working with you is trying to twist your body into bizarre contortions, it's very much about breath and being in tune with your emotions and such. It's a form of therapy in itself, and absolutely non-seedy. So, if that sounds up your street maybe look for practitioners in your area.

Also, I think it's easy to send off a "don't touch me" vibe if you're a little nervous around people. I'm not sure if this applies to you, but in Anglo type cultures, where kissing on the cheek to greet someone for example isn't the norm, physical contact can be surrounded by weirdness somehow. But many people are comfortable being more touchy around friends, and things like hugging friends whenever you meet them quickly become natural. So, I think the suggestions above to become more comfortable with being tactile (in a non-intrusive way) are excellent.

Not sure if that advice helped; I sound a bit like a Martian in that last paragraph.
posted by eponymouse at 4:58 PM on July 11, 2008

zoomorphic -- that was a really interesting article. Thanks for linking to it.
posted by wittgenstein at 6:54 PM on July 11, 2008

Previously.
posted by tangerine at 9:54 PM on July 11, 2008