My friend's boyfriend sucks. She knows that, but she doesn't seem to realize how serious it is. Please help me help her.
I should start by saying this is not one of those "oh I don't like my friend's boyfriend, how do I tell her to get rid of him". No. That specific decision is hers to make. I'm completely comfortable giving her some hard to hear advice which she asks from me anyway (and I from her), so that bit is not a problem.
So my friend M. has had a boyfriend, J., for 7 months now. They've been living together for 6 months. As you can gather from that, their relationship escalated very quickly - he's her first real boyfriend, he was in a lot of financial trouble at the time (and still is, for that matter) and about to loose his place, so they shacked up.
From the get-go this guy sounded like a very odd person - he told her he "knows" what people think, that's he's an "excelent" judge of character, that he's highly intelligent (much more so than everybody else he knows), that he can manipulate people into whatever he wants. Everyone, except the people he falls in love with, he said, meaning her. He's fucked up in the head, I thought to myself.
He is depressed. Or at least that's what he told the doctor who wrote his medical leave (unexplained rashes, panic attacks, mood swings, all of it true). He was on a medical leave for 2 months, got back to work and that same day quit his job. This was one month ago. Since the start M. has picked up all the bills (rent, food, cable, etc), and she's always done all the housework. He sits at home all day scratching his nuts. A big part of the problem is he claims he's not depressed. He says it's just a "bad patch". He's on Xanax for this "bad patch", but refuses to see a therapist because there's nothing wrong with him. He blames everything wrong with his life on other people, however illogical his reasoning. He's now taken to insulting some of her friends for no real reason other than he's such a great judge of character (she's point-blank told him to not badmouth her friends, or leave - yay M - and no, I'm not his target). He claims he doesn't get a job because he's too good for any of them. I believe he actually used the words "too special". He doesn't have any real friends of his own apart from a few internet acquaintances.
Today she told me they had this conversation (or something similar, I can only imagine it went worse than she told me):
(They were home. He's sitting behind the computer, she's doing some house chore)
J.: Don't interrupt me for the next 10 minutes. Under no circumstances! I'm betting a lot of money on internet scratch cards!
M. (a bit annoyed I'm sure, but still less than she should be): Okay...
[20 minutes later]
M.: So, how'd it go?
J.: How did it go? Well, obviously I lost. And it was all your fault! Your "okay" annoyed me, and I didn't win because I was annoyed. It's always the same fucking thing.
At which point she went into another room, not because she's a wimp but because they fight all the time and another go at it seemed pointless. I also think she didn't realize how seriously deluded his speach was.
[Another 20 minutes later]
J.: Babe! Where are you? I won! I knew it! I knew I was going to win, so I bet some more money, and I won! Give us a smooch!
M.: (rolling her eyes): Yeah. Great.
M. knows the relationship is going south, she really does. She's in love with him, and has invested a lot into it. She doesn't want to loose, and I totally understand. We've all been in a sinking ship, giving it just one more minute to see if it keeps afloat before it actually goes under. Thing is, I think he's starting to mess her up way too much with his shitty psycho attitude. I'm no shrink, but I really think he needs serious help, which he completely refuses. She seems to believe him, she still believes she can help him out. I'm sure they have good moments, otherwise there would be no doubt in her mind, but she's a different person now, not for the better, and she has realized this. She knows he's bringing her down - but not quite just how down, I don't think.
So, here's the question part: MeFi, I want to provide her with a bunch of articles (online would be most helpful, but if there's a perfect book out there I'll go for it) that help her understand how serious his situation is. Like I said, I'm not a therapist, so I have no idea if his behaviour adds up to anything text-booky or not (does it?), but I do know the delusions of gradeur and the warped externalization cannot be good. Articles about how you can't help someone who doesn't want you to would also be good, and if they delved a bit into why it is people deny what's so obvious to others (fear of failure, etc) it'd be even better. She's asked me for help with this, so it's not like I'm going to drop these in an e-mail with a DTMFA note attached. I'm not going to tell her to dump him at all (although I'm pretty sure she knows that's where I stand), I just want her to fully open her eyes to the whole situation. There's obviously much more going on, but if you've read this far, I wish I could give you a cookie. It's more of the same crap, really, in different scenarios. Or worse.
Thank you. I do apologize for the length.
posted by neblina_matinal to human relations (44 comments total)
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In short, I would like to offer some advice, but would feel far more comfortable doing so after hearing both M and J's side of the story. From what neblina_matinal tells us here, yeah, it sounds like the guy needs to be cut loose, but I think both M and J would feel a rebuttal could explain away some things here.
posted by Effigy2000 at 3:45 PM on July 9, 2008