Too big for her?

June 16, 2008 1:58 PM

Sex question: what to do about being "too big"?

Could have done this anonymously, I suppose, but I'm asking on the spur of the moment and I can't take the delay.

Anyway, my girlfriend says that sometimes when we have sex I'm "too big", and this is seriously messing things up.

For what it's worth, I am not especially "big". It's the proper size, normal size, average or slightly above average. Some other girls I have slept with have said "that's big" but not one has said that it's the biggest... I mean, occasionally I've asked them about the biggest, and heard about serious freaks, but I am solidly in the average range.

But my girlfriend is quite petite, and I'm too big for her sometimes. To the extent that any position from behind is becoming out of the question - "it's like you're fucking my womb". This has happened before, with other people, it being slightly painful in certain shapes, but never to the extent that those shapes were out of the question.

But even the positions that are not out of the question become painful sometimes for my girlfriend, and it's getting in the way...

So my question is what to do about this? Are some bodies just incompatible? I thought about not going in completely, but that would be hard to maintain & besides would involve missing out on all kinds of extra, useful rubbing etc. Could lube help? I know you Americans are crazy about lube, but I've never used it, no one I know has, & always thought it had something to with circumcision in a way. Can it help with length? Can it stop the "fucking my womb" feeling?

posted by anonymous to human relations (29 answers total)

You need to try other positions, like if straight doggy style doesn't work have her lay down on the belly.

If its depth and not tightness lube isn't going to help you any. Trying other partners should probably be left to the last resort unless you hate each other ;)
posted by shownomercy at 2:07 PM on June 16, 2008

Lube will help. How much it'll help, I don't know, but it's entirely possible that your girlfriend isn't hurting from your size, but from the lack of natural lubrication. I'd say it's worth a try.
posted by the dief at 2:07 PM on June 16, 2008

Lube and foreplay are your friends. The vagina is elastic enough to accommodate a 9lb baby coming the other way - it's designed to stretch. When a woman is aroused, her vagina becomes more elastic and there should be no problem in it accommodating a penis.

So, plenty of foreplay first, maybe get her to come through cunnilingus or manual stimulation, and then use lube.
posted by essexjan at 2:07 PM on June 16, 2008

As someone who has suffered from "it feels like you're fucking my womb" syndrome, I can tell you that in my experience, some people's bodies just don't jive. I've had worse pains from a solidly average (on the bigger side) man, than in the same positions as solidly LARGE man.

These complications, however, did not keep me from having a meaningful relationship and awesome sex life with said womb-fucker. It just took a lot of communication and experimentation to avoid. On the other hand, if we ever got a little too rowdy, I would end up crying on the bathroom tile for the next 20 minutes.

I guess what I'm saying is that, your bodies may not be perfect for one another, and that will never change, but your technique sure can!

P.S. Lube only makes this affliction worse. Do not get lube- you'll slide just that much faster into her aching cervix.
posted by sunshinesky at 2:09 PM on June 16, 2008 [1 favorite]

lube is always a brilliant idea, for starters. if you really are larger than what she's used to, it will make it more comfortable for her and help protect her from tears and such. often when a lady experiences, ahem, more volume than she is accustomed to, it can feel like burning or ripping. lube will help some with that.

certainly if some positions cause problems more often, just avoid them. there's nothing you can do about striking her cervix except holding back or choosing a position that keeps you from going so deep.
posted by thinkingwoman at 2:10 PM on June 16, 2008

Lube will help though, if I misunderstood your question and her pain is from being "too tight".
posted by sunshinesky at 2:10 PM on June 16, 2008

Sounds like depth is your issue, not girth, so as shownomercy said, lube won't help. I can't remember what it's called, but I've seen a product that looks--well, it looks like a doughnut. You fit it around the base of your penis like a cock ring, but it's substantially thicker, and makes penetration shallower. That would work.

Beyond that, there are two options:

1) Avoid positions that call for deeper penetration such as doggy style. Her on top may work if she has strong thighs, as she can completely control depth of penetration.

2) Exert more self-control over how deep/hard you are thrusting. Yes, I know that can be functionally impossible at times.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 2:11 PM on June 16, 2008

Uh.. wow, shoulda hit preview.

Guys, if the issue is cervix contact ("you're fucking my womb"), ain't no lube nowhere that will help the problem.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 2:12 PM on June 16, 2008

some people's bodies just don't fit. doesn't mean you can't have great sex, just means you have to be more creative and accommodating. the guy i'm seeing was never able to thrust completely into his ex without it becoming painful for her—but he still claims to have had great sex with her. he's longer than average but by no means the biggest.
posted by violetk at 2:24 PM on June 16, 2008

dirtynumbangelboy is right -- it's not an issue of size so much as depth. Most women (that I know) have had sex with someone who hits the cervix in an unpleasant way (we call them cervix bumpers), and the solution is really as he says -- avoid deep-penetration positions and don't thrust so deeply.
posted by kate blank at 2:25 PM on June 16, 2008

Maybe introducing a dildo that's smaller than your penis. I've heard of a few guys going as far as strapping it on.
posted by sixcolors at 2:26 PM on June 16, 2008

If you can't help but do it doggy style, try doing it without her butt too high in the air. If you can do it with her completely lying on her stomach, that will help, but I've found the higher the butt, the deeper it will go. I've also found that some times of the month it hurts more than others - so try going slow until you find out if it's one of those times.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 2:32 PM on June 16, 2008

If you google around or pick up one of the many books on sexual positions, you'll see that some have deeper penetration than others. Try the ones with less.
posted by a robot made out of meat at 2:33 PM on June 16, 2008

Invest in some KY or some Astroglide. You don't need to penetrate her all the way.
posted by turgid dahlia at 2:41 PM on June 16, 2008

Pay attention to her. Her face, her noises, her body's movements will tell you what you should be doing.

Foreplay until she's ready to go (either her telling you directly, or from you knowing her cues). When you first penetrate, keep it shallow and slow.

For facing positions, position your body a little lower than you usually do. That'll make control easier. Use your lower abs for the pressure/rubbing you mentioned. Same thing for other positions -- the whole point of variation is stimulating different parts of her in (sometimes subtly) different ways and depth rarely adds anything. Control is necessary, but you can make it easier by positioning your body appropriately for the position itself and to impose some limits on your motion.

If she wants it deep (or fast, or forceful, etc.), she'll let you know.
posted by jma at 2:47 PM on June 16, 2008 [1 favorite]

Skip the Astroglide--can cause yeast infections. KY dries too fast. Check out your favorite sex toy website for something without glycerin.
posted by 6:1 at 2:47 PM on June 16, 2008

Lots of sitting positions are good for shallow penetration-- if she sits on your lap, facing you, legs around your waist, she'll be able to control depth fairly well.

Also, as was suggested earlier, if the issue is you bumping her cervix (and it sounds like it is), then you may have more luck with deep penetration when she's about to ovulate, since the cervix rises quite a bit during that part of the cycle.
posted by Bardolph at 2:48 PM on June 16, 2008

As someone who's been in your position, all I can say is that it'll take some experimentation before you get it right, and it might not work at all, but first things first, you've gotta get back to basics.

You say that the problem is worse when you're behind her, but how much of that is about positioning and how much of that is about not being able to see her expressions and reactions as well? Go back to the basic you-on-top/her-on-top stuff for now, until you learn to read her well enough to try something "more interesting." Once you get the "walking" down, then you can try the tap-dancing.
posted by My Bloody Pony at 3:00 PM on June 16, 2008

your bodies may not be perfect for one another, and that will never change, but your technique sure can!

I think this point bears emphasizing.

There are a lot of variations to a basic position like "from behind" -- if she's "ass up/face down," even a not very large guy is going to bottom out sometimes. On the other hand, if she's laying flat on the bed, legs together, and you come in from behind, she can control the depth by adjusting the angle of her hips and arching towards or away from you.

I also think that it is a basic part of being a good lover, as a man, to get good at controlling your thrusting, and be quick to change your angle or force if she is feeling discomfort. But she needs to get good at making the minor changes in her position that will affect how deep and hard you are going, and to be very good at communicating how things are feeling before things get excruciatingly painful.

I think you should try experimenting with lube, because it is cheap and the only consequence to it not working is that you both end up giggling and agree to never try it again. If you are using condoms, make sure it is an oil-free lube; if you are not using condoms than you can use those same lubes, or olive oil, or other things that are (in moderation!!!) ok for contact with sensitive skin -- there are better and worse lubes, but anything slippery and skin-safe will at least let you know if this is a helpful solution to explore.

But all that said, some bodies don't fit together as well as others, and if at some point this becomes more work and less fun for the two of you, then maybe it is time to explore other options. Before you get to the point of throwing in the towel, though, I think there is a lot you could be doing to make things good for both of you. This is a really common issue, and I think a lot of couples have had to deal with it. For all that in theory every woman's body can pass a baby the size of a small watermelon, the cervix is still usually pretty close to the entrance and if she's not thoroughly turned on, even a pretty small guy can cause some real pain. And if you are a bit bigger than average, and she is a bit smaller than average, well, this becomes something to deal with routinely.

Are there any non-obvious other ways to get it on that don't involve deep penetration?

Yes, like face to face on your sides, or sitting, or many others. The real problem here is treating "no sex from behind" as cutting out 80% of what you can do -- even if you were limited to old-style missionary man-on-top sex, there are still countless subtle variations that make it not boring at all. She can have her legs more or less together; your legs outside, on hers, or inside; hips angled more or less up; pillow under her or not; toys involved or not; and so on. Is the real issue here a depth problem or a lack of imagination and experimentation problem?
posted by Forktine at 3:04 PM on June 16, 2008 [3 favorites]

You're hitting her cervix. This has happened to me, well, I mean, it's happened to my girlfriends. I mean, I've done this, to girlfriends. Arrgh.

Solution is to try different positions. Less missionary or doggy, more cowgirl or from the side. And maybe slow down, focus less on shoving the whole thing in.
posted by orthogonality at 4:01 PM on June 16, 2008

When you're doing it doggy style, your girlfriend should try scrunching up a pillow and putting it under her tummy. It helps to stop the "fucking the womb" feeling.
posted by suzeQ at 6:24 PM on June 16, 2008

As has been said above, if her legs are straight and together (whether she's face up or face down), I think that's really supposed to help.

Also, let her do all the moving as a temporary, permanent, or intermittent quick-fix.
posted by zeek321 at 6:34 PM on June 16, 2008

Dude, if you think face-to-face is limited to missionary and her on top, you need a copy of the Kama Sutra or something similar, stat. Or watch more porn. I mean, jeez, you won't get much realism there, but you should get a lot of ideas to try.
posted by schroedinger at 7:00 PM on June 16, 2008

Um.. everyone? That is, everyone who is suggesting lube and not paying attention to the question?

Girth--which is an issue often helped by lube--is not the problem. Length and cervix-hitting--which is exacerbated by more lubrication--is the problem.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 8:11 PM on June 16, 2008

You could try something like this:

NSFW - designed by Seymore Butts himself!
posted by vonliebig at 8:26 PM on June 16, 2008

What point your girlfriend is at in her cycle can affect what positions are painful/not painful. Everyone's different, but there are times of the month when anything goes and there are times of the month when shallow penetration, or penetration only from certain angles, is the only way to have comfortable sex.

As I understand it, and according to this book the cervix moves around during the month and so different positions works better at different times.

Personally, I found cycle-charting shed a lot of light on this stuff (and, bonus points, allows you to have no-condom sex every coupla weeks). Oh and you might want to check out the (poss nsfw) link from this deleted thread.
posted by tiny crocodile at 5:18 AM on June 17, 2008

(and, bonus points, allows you to have no-condom sex every coupla weeks)

You know what they call people who use the Rhythm Method?

Parents.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 5:50 AM on June 17, 2008

You know what they call people who use the Rhythm Method?

Parents.

I am so incredibly sick of seeing this tired old joke come up every time someone mentions fertility charting. IT IS NOT THE RHYTHM METHOD. See here.
posted by purplemonkie at 8:56 AM on June 17, 2008

some people's bodies just don't jive..

Oops, I just learned the word jibe today, after so many years of using "jive"! I wish someone had corrected me along the way.

"jive" just alwas made sense to me because I picture people dancing, which seems like a kind of jibing to me. Oh well. I'm only sorry I learned it from an episode of American Justice.
posted by sunshinesky at 6:56 PM on June 17, 2008