It's not me

May 15, 2008 2:31 PM

There is someone with or using my name at one of the Yahoo services to access Asian porn sites.

There is someone with or using my name at one of the Yahoo services to access Asian porn sites. This is about to cost me my marriage. How can I prove to my wife that it is not me? Write me username at gmail for more info if you can help.

posted by mrleec to computers & internet (24 comments total)

Change your password? Get a new account?

What do you mean they're 'using your name'? I'm not entirely clear what the situation is...
posted by rooftop secrets at 2:45 PM on May 15

Dude. I have little advice on the proof front -- someone with more technological expertise than I have may chime in on that. (Though, is this person accessing your user account? Or do they have the same name, as in First/Middle/Last as you? Are they doing it from your computer? How did your wife find out?)

On the non-techy side, I have only this to say: Why does your wife not trust you when you say you are not accessing Asian porn? And if you were, why would she leave you? I mean, over something so ... so ... well, not harmful to others? Maybe you could just try talking it over with her and reiterating that (a) you are not visiting these sites and (b) this issue is much more about trust and communication than it is about your account being hacked.

Good luck.
posted by brina at 2:50 PM on May 15 [1 favorite]

I think it would help to know how your wife knows this person is accessing these porn sites.
posted by Authorized User at 2:50 PM on May 15

Perhaps do a websearch of your name to show all the other people out there with the same name. Just using your Metafilter login name, you are apparently in married in San Francisco as well as a 19 year old single male in Liverpool England,

Ultimately, this isn't a computers & internet question, it's a human relations question. Something is going on in your relationship if your wife doesn't trust your word. I suggest couples counseling because this isn't something technology will fix for you.
posted by jamaro at 2:50 PM on May 15

yeah, you need to clarify. you need to include more details. do you have a totally unique name? could it be someone else with your name? how did your wife find out about this? why would she automatically assume it's you? if it's about to cost you your marriage, then you've got bigger trust issues at play here.
posted by violetk at 2:52 PM on May 15

Oh, and ummmmm.... I may be reading this wrong, but didn't you already admit to looking at porn and get called out BY your wife?
posted by rooftop secrets at 2:55 PM on May 15 [17 favorites]

There are plenty of people here who can give you useful advice, however in order to get that helpful advice you're going to have to explain what "There is someone with or using my name at one of the Yahoo services to access Asian porn sites" even means. That statement doesn't make sense. Describe what the problem is so that people who want to help can do so.
posted by majick at 2:56 PM on May 15 [1 favorite]

If this is really about to cost you your marriage, then you've got bigger issues. Those being

1) Is your wife net-stalking your name? How did this even come up? What is it that she "discovered"?

2) Why doesn't she believe you?

3) Seriously? Looking at nekkid pictures is a divorceable-offense?

You haven't provided us with any information about the "evidence" that she's found. Without knowing what it is, it's going to be difficult to advise you on how to refute it. Obviously you're wanting, if possible, to associate the usage pattern with an IP address that is demonstrably not yours, or the activity taking place at a time that is demonstrably impossible for you ("look honey, remember when we went to see Speed Racer last Saturday? The 7:30 show, right? Lookit: 8:15pm, downloading the Asian porn. The defense rests.")

And on preview, I see that I'm late to the party. Look into couples counseling, because this shouldn't be the problem you make it out to be. This should be a "how funny that there's someone else with your name out there" kind of moment, and that it's not is revealing.
posted by mumkin at 2:57 PM on May 15

Based on rooftop secret's comment, you should consider therapy for your addictions.
posted by spec80 at 3:04 PM on May 15

Oh, and ZING, yeah, hello mrleec. WTF was up with that link from rootop secrets?
posted by mumkin at 3:05 PM on May 15

In addition to the problem of not being able to understand exactly what you need to prove to your wife, there is the additional problem that your wife seems to know your login password to metafilter. Advice that I'd give a man who was trying to prove his pornnocence would be different from the advice I'd give to a woman who is uncertain whether her husband has actually given up his porn-watching.
posted by 23skidoo at 3:18 PM on May 15 [1 favorite]

I think the "fraud" tag is particularly appropriate here. It would appear that you asking us to help you convince your wife that you didn't do something, even though it's very likely you did.

Don't get me wrong, I'm willing to help you. But your wife clearly isn't stupid (not stupid relative to you, at least) and she's probably going to find this thread, since she found your anonymous one already.

You need to give us more details, and register a new account.
posted by chudmonkey at 3:19 PM on May 15

Stop blaming other people for your fuck-ups and own your shit. You can always find some outside source to blame your problems on, but that rarely leads to progress.
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 3:23 PM on May 15 [1 favorite]

You see, I may be getting caught by red herrings here, and perhaps I'm no McGruff the Crime Dog, but- methinks that our friend mrleec here is intentionally postings this for his wife to find it.. duhn duhn duuuuhn...

There's no significant evidence, but his lack of details are suspicious.
posted by pedmands at 3:28 PM on May 15 [2 favorites]

Either pedmands or 23skidoo is likely correct. In any case, the question seems to be a ruse of some sort, intended for a purpose other than eliciting answers.
posted by metawabbit at 3:40 PM on May 15

I don't mean this to sound judgmental, but I gotta point out that this stratagem ain't too crafty for an addict. Believe you me, if NASA just rounded up all the junkies on the street and told them Mars was made of the good white powder, they'd build the rocket in about a week on a budget of old TVs and stolen watches. Addiction breeds invention and an amazing level of deception.

Get this problem fixed, man. Therapy or a good hard ass look in the mirror. There's no hiding this anymore.
posted by dosterm at 3:46 PM on May 15 [5 favorites]

the question seems to be a ruse of some sort, intended for a purpose other than eliciting answers.

Oh, now. It's quite conceivable that after his wife's post back in March, mrleec has agreed to take positive steps to change his ways and save his marriage. A marriage which might, indeed, be doomed merely for looking at porn if he's been given The Ultimatum and committed himself to saving his relationship with his wife.

It sure would be helpful if you'd fill us in, mrleec, on the nature of the evidence against you and veracity of her claim. You're innocent, right? You're not trying to get advice on how to pull the wool over your wife's eyes, are you? Hello?
posted by mumkin at 3:49 PM on May 15

[Some comments removed. Whatever ends up happening with this question, there's a Metatalk thread open and you all know the askme guidelines.]
posted by cortex at 3:51 PM on May 15

I think we are going to have to wait till his wife logs in with his account and posts the full story.

However, I'm assuming that the person on the internet who is accessing porn sites is also using either your login/password or your email address. If your wife knows the password you use and she's logging in everywhere with your SN/PW to see if you are a member of that service, or putting in your email address to request a lost password, and she is successful at gaining entry to the site, there isn't really much you can do to prove that it is not you.
posted by necessitas at 3:53 PM on May 15

Short of getting this other person to email, or contact you and your wife in some way and tracing the domains/IPs back to a source other than your own house, a friends house, your work, or any other place you might associate with (i.e. within a one hundred mile radius of your abode), there's not much you can do, really.

Much harder to prove your innocence than admit guilt in a situation like this.
posted by pedmands at 3:56 PM on May 15

If alcohol is interfering with the way you want to live your life, there is a solution. Perhaps it isn't, in that case as you were. In my own past, whenever I found myself wrapped up in trust issues, the root cause was inevitably the booze. I couldn't not drink. No matter the threats I received, the booze was always somehow more important. My past is littered with broken relationships that all could have been prevented.

Eventually, I came to a turning point. I was able to see the tree through the forest. By crying out for help, and receiving it, I was able to begin a process of amends that culminated in returning the trust I had so devastated as a drinker. If you really want help, just ask. There is no shame whatsoever in asking for help. This moment can be your turning point.
posted by netbros at 5:45 PM on May 15 [5 favorites]

Write me username at gmail for more info if you can help.

One of the downsides to posting your email address all over the internet is that people might use it to sign up for stuff.
posted by box at 3:13 PM on May 16

If someone is using your account, and your wife has your password -- could it be your wife who is accessing it, to check up on you? Or mess with your mind...
posted by msalt at 9:54 PM on May 16

OK, I'll bite. I'll repeat what majick said: before we can give a meaningful answer that doesn't assume you're pulling a fast one, we really need to know what "someone with or using my name at one of the Yahoo services to access Asian porn sites" actually means. How are they using your name? How did you (or your wife) find them? What's the nature of the evidence against you? How exactly does one "use one of the Yahoo services to access Asian porn sites"? Without getting these details we can't tell if your story makes any sense or falls apart. If you can explain what you mean, maybe we can give you the kind of help you're asking for. If you can't, we can't.
posted by scalefree at 9:05 PM on May 17