Help me to suck it up and stop feeling so sorry for myself.

April 21, 2008 7:04 AM

Help me get some perspective so I can stop being a constant state of panic and depression.

So I'm about to graduate from grad school and I'm in my mid 20's. Despite doing decently, I have no job prospects and without going into too many details, given the nature of my profession it is far, far too late in the hiring cycle for me to get anything. I've had one interview in six months and the economy is horrible. I have six figure debt in school loans and will more or less have to depend on my parents for quite a while to survive.

I've been killing myself to get this degree and to get lots of work experience in my field for the last few years, all for nothing. I feel like an idiot for deciding to go back to school in the first place and for just being not quite good enough to get a job. 85% of my class has a job and I don't. On top of that, I've had a lot of bad luck. My employer at my current job heavily implied for 9 months that I would receive a full time offer when I graduated. They've now told me that business isn't doing well and oh, they forgot to mention, the higher ups don't like to higher anyone without a year of experience first. (I'm particularly bitter about this as many people I know got jobs through paid internships like this one and it's likely I could have gotten a job somewhere that might have given me an offer had I known.) My life has revolved around trying to find a job for the past 8 months (despite the prospect of an offer I wanted to have options if it fell through). It's constantly on my mind that in a short few months my loans will be coming out of deferment and there won't be a job with the kind of salary I need to pay them.

I'm also single, so I feel very alone going through all this and my family is generally a disaster, so I can't depend on them for emotional support.

Despite all this however, I will survive one way or another. I can probably get a glorified secretary position that pays in the 60's which I am insanely overqualified for, but if my parents help me out a little I will be able to pay my rent and make my loan payments, and not have to live on ramen. However, doing this will destroy any chance I had at a career in my field and there will only be minimal advancement opportunity (if any).

I realize I'm depressed and that in the grand scheme of things I'm not that bad off, but I really have defined myself by my job and my career and it's hard for me to accept that I'm not going to be the person who has the big successful career. My confidence it totally shot, to the point of it affecting my performance in school and at work. I also find it impossible to concentrate and am always procrastinating.

How do I let the dream of having a career in my field go? How do I accept that I'm just going to be a secretary for the rest of my life? Basically, how do I just get into the mindset I need to be in to get over this, get a grip, and get started on my new life?

posted by anonymous to human relations (26 comments total)

How do I let the dream of having a career in my field go? How do I accept that I'm just going to be a secretary for the rest of my life?

You don't. Not unless you seriously, genuinely want to give up your career because your heart is not in it.

If you still WANT a job in the industry you've worked so hard in, keep trying. There's absolutely no reason you can't keep trying, keep studying on your own, keep pushing yourself until you make it.

Just because you've had 8 months with little prospects does not mean that you were not meant to be in this industry. It just means you have to wait a little longer and try a little harder. You might have to take a job that you're overqualified for or which is not related to your field, but that doesn't mean you stop looking for what you want.

Don't give up. Not if you still want it. The only people who don't make it are the ones who give up.
posted by Squee at 7:21 AM on April 21 [2 favorites]

First of all, I'm not sure it's as dire as you say. You'll never get a job in your field? Really? What do your advisors say about that? Have you spoken with them about this? Have they confirmed for you that you're unlikely to get a job? When you say it's "too late in the hiring cycle," do you mean this YEAR or for your career? Does your school have a career center? Have you visited them?

Second, RE: the loans, you can go into economic hardship forbearance while you figure things out. Yes, they will accrue interest, but it will also buy you some time. Contact your lender.

Third, IF you're right about all of this, you don't let the dream go overnight. It's going to feel bad. It's going to be hard and sad and you will grieve it. Give yourself time for that before you consign yourself to snapping out of it.

Hang in there. I hope the mindset you can get into is not letting go or getting over, but seeking creative solutions.
posted by liketitanic at 7:23 AM on April 21

I can probably get a glorified secretary position that pays in the 60's which I am insanely overqualified for, but if my parents help me out a little I will be able to pay my rent and make my loan payments, and not have to live on ramen. However, doing this will destroy any chance I had at a career in my field and there will only be minimal advancement opportunity (if any).

There are thousands of people older and better educated than you in a variety of industries who don't make salaries in the $60s. There are career teachers who haven't cracked the $60k mark yet. A year as a secretary will not doom your career. Have a little perspective here, please.
posted by Sweetie Darling at 7:28 AM on April 21 [8 favorites]

Perhaps look outside the box. Many employers don't require a degree in that field to hire unless you are in a very technical or medical type field, they just want you to HAVE a degree. My friend is a very successful executive at a top 100 company. He started off in sales there, his degree is in engineering. I tease him that he should be able to fix things being an engineer and all. He laughs because he hasn't even looked at an engineering book or project since graduating college. I am 34 and just now starting college again for that reason. I have plenty of management experience, even responsible for running a $3M+ biz, but for me to get into the professional field I need a degree of some sort. Check out IBM or similar sized companies, they usually always have entry level jobs opening. Congratulations on finishing grad school. That alone will get you far if you give it a chance. Stop selling yourself so short.
posted by meeshell at 7:28 AM on April 21

there's no reason to give up a career in your field. get a secretary job (but don't expect $60K. that's extremely high for anything but the most senior executive level admin). work your 45 hours a week, then go home at night and keep applying for jobs in your field. stay current on trends and big events in your field so that when you go on an interview you'll know what's still happening.

there's no reason to have to depend on your family. put your loans into forebearance, or if you don't want to do that, negotiate the minimum monthly payment down to something you can afford.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 7:31 AM on April 21 [1 favorite]

I can probably get a glorified secretary position that pays in the 60's... However, doing this will destroy any chance I had at a career in my field

I just find it impossible to believe that taking a money job temporarily will destroy your career.

How do I let the dream of having a career in my field go? How do I accept that I'm just going to be a secretary for the rest of my life?

There's no need to do either. I think this is panic talking. I know it's easy for me to say when I'm not in your position. But I've been just out of school and jobless and I remember well how frightening it was to not know how I was going to pay the rent, and to think I was never going to get a decent job — and I didn't have any debt, let alone a six figure debt, hanging over my head. And I remember someone telling me not to panic, because panic, besides being no fun, is counterproductive, and inwardly thinking, yeah right.

But don't panic. Okay, you're going to be a secretary for awhile. There's nothing wrong with that. It will be only temporary. And lots of people make WAY less than 60K, so there's nothing wrong with that either. Meanwhile, you can keep looking for a job and volunteer in your field, if you have time. I recommend you seek some counselling to help you deal with your depression and panic. Live as simply as you comfortably can. Otherwise... breath deep, and keep breathing. Yes, it sucks to not have a job, and to have huge debt, and I feel for you, but try not to let your entire life revolve around those things. See your friends. Go to pay-what-you-can theatre productions and read books and watch movies from the library. Walk in the park and listen to the life around you. Remember that life is long and that you don't have to acquire a career and a good financial stituation overnight, and moreover that it's not even possible for anyone to do so. Stop comparing yourself to others and keep your mind on what you need and want to do.
posted by orange swan at 7:33 AM on April 21

"The only people who don't make it are the ones who give up."

With all due respect, this is an oft repeated lie. It's fair to say that you won't succeed if you do give up, but claiming that success is inevitable as long as you don't give up is just empty booster talk, and really kind of cruel.

I do agree though that your attitude seems prematurely negative, and it sounds very familiar to me as I am in an almost identical situation, without the massive debt fortunately (6 months from finishing a PhD, no job prospects whatsoever). All I can suggest, although it isn't easy for many people, is to try not to define yourself by your career. If you can land a gig at $60k a year... well, I'm 44 and that's twice as much as I've ever made in a year. Make some money, focus on making friends and enjoying life, see what you feel like in a year. Many industries and grad schools stress just the opposite approach (emphasis on STRESS): GET JOB NOW! TIME PASSING! YOU ARE BEING LEFT BEHIND! CAREER! MONEY!

This is probably one of the causes of hugely successful 60 year olds suddenly realizing that their lives are empty and meaningless. I'm not saying that career and financial success are incompatible with happiness, but I do think they are largely irrelevant. Provided you're not starving; that would put a damper on anyone's day.

Short summation of my blather: Step back. Relax. Breathe. You don't exist for your career, it exists for you. So use it like a tool and always let it know who is boss.
posted by arcadia at 7:43 AM on April 21 [2 favorites]

85% of my class has a job and I don't.

Shouldn't you take that as a good sign? You've not even graduated, yet most of your class has found work in your sector, which would seem to indicate it's in fairly high demand.

So you've missed the hiring cycle-- that gives you a good year to make all the contacts you need, get a huge list of all the potential companies in your sector and be utterly prepared for the next cycle, when it comes around, carpet bomb the sector with your resume and sit back and relax knowing that you're ahead of the curve.

Until then, who cares-- if you can get a 60kilobuck job doing secretarial work, do it-- it's only for a year, or perhaps for experience sake, stay with your current employer until the next cycle and get 18 months experience in the right line of work.

Hard to comment on your student loan problem without details, but for some perspective, a great number people earning less than your potential 60k job deal with six-figure debt (mortgages) with relative ease. Throw into the mix helpful parents and I really can't see why you're overly depressed about your situation.
posted by Static Vagabond at 7:55 AM on April 21

You've had a string of bad luck. However, it's far too soon for you to just give up and resign yourself to a lifetime of secretarial work.

When you say it's "too late in the hiring cycle" for you to find a job in your field - I'm assuming you mean this year (if your industry hires only at certain times of the year). This is a temporary setback, not a permanent bar. Can you find temporary work that might give you a foot in the door? Many times, companies will hire temps on as permanent workers, because the temp agency has done the screening and reference checking already for them, and the temp worker has proven her- or himself.

Your school must have a career center. Make an appointment with a counselor there now. Find out what they have to say. A good career counseling session might suggest alternate paths for you.

I know it's tough and scary, staring at a six-figure debt with no job prospects. (On that note, Dave Ramsey absolutely RULES when it comes to financial advice. Don't be put off by his God-talk. Leaving the religious accretions aside, his actual financial advice is extremely sound and well worth taking.) But it's not the end of the world, and it's not going to be this way for the rest of your life. Think of this as a temporary setback rather than OMG I AM DOOMED.

Good luck, Anon. Believe me, there are more people in your shoes than you might think.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 8:01 AM on April 21

OP, Please don't worry. I graduated into the 1992/3 recession and it took me a year to get the right job, in the meantime I did other work to pay the bills. It would be helpful if you could post an update (through one of the moderators, perhaps) with the industry you are in and the degree that you got so we could offer more tailored and constructive advice relevant to your field.
posted by zia at 8:21 AM on April 21

It would be really helpful to know what your degree is in.

I'm guessing that you got an MA in something. If this is the case, I hate to break it to you, but MAs aren't exactly the most useful degree around. IMHO, an MA helps an established career person break into the next salary/ responsibility range, but not much else. (MBAs, MPHs, and
the like excluded obviously.) This is especially true, IMHO, for MAs in English, Communication, Journalism, etc. etc. (In less competitive markets an MA qualifies you to teach community college, by the way. It isn't a great life, but may be better than a "glorified secretary.")

What's the problem with being a glorified secretary anyway? Make some money to pay the bills, keep on living like a student and you'll be fine.

If you don't want to do that, go do another internship and live on credit cards. If you really want to be in your industry, I don't really see what the problem is.
posted by k8t at 8:23 AM on April 21 [1 favorite]

I don't know what your field is, so my advice can only be general, but I can't imagine how you could destroy your prospects by taking a job. Like - any job. Working is better than not working.

Put yourself in the shoes of someone who will be looking at you in the future. Would they want someone who sat waiting around for the perfect job, or someone who went and did the best they could in tough times?

And keep repeating to yourself that you're in your mid-20s. You're not supposed to have taken over the world yet. Hell, Obama just paid off his student loans. It's not a unique situation you're in. It'll be alright.
posted by dosterm at 8:37 AM on April 21

Human beings are built with something which allows them to move through these tough times and find something better. You have it in you and you have to learn to trust that you have it.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:40 AM on April 21

How do I let the dream of having a career in my field go?

Oh for heaven's sake, don't do that. Unless you're an actor or a model, your mid-twenties means you're far too young for that. Seriously. Also, this happens to pretty much everyone in their twenties. I don't know anyone who's hit thirty and has never had a scary life-defining period of illness, unemployment, lack of direction, or all three. Whether it makes you feel better or not, you are not a unique snowflake.

If you insist on viewing your lack of current job prospects as a failure - and welcome to the real world, sadly this happens to pretty much everyone at some point in their twenties - take that failure and work with it. Everyone loves a comeback story. Make a plan, something like:

(1) Take job that pays bills for now
(2) Go on informational interviews instead of wallowing around
(3) Do some awesome volunteer work as well so I'm not boring and have interesting experiences to talk about responsibilities that make me feel important
(4) Seek job in chosen field a year from now
(5) Knock 'em dead in new position

Give yourself a path to work on so you can distract yourself from your pity, and then execute. Know that if you do execute, then coming back from an epic failure makes you stronger and saner in the future (you're building character!). If you can't execute your own plan, then maybe you aren't cut out for industry anyway - and THEN you can feel sorry for yourself.
posted by universal_qlc at 9:15 AM on April 21 [1 favorite]

Whoops, that should read: Do awesome volunteer work for interesting experiences AND responsibilities that make me (read: you) feel important
posted by universal_qlc at 9:18 AM on April 21 [1 favorite]

What sweet darling said.

You might find that a year as secretary gives you the luxury of a decent salary and time to continue searching for jobs in your field. Just because it hasn't happened in the way that you would like it to doesn't mean that it won't happen. There are no direct paths to success.
posted by notjustfoxybrown at 9:19 AM on April 21

I dropped out of my PhD program after taking all the classes and exams and writing two dissertation chapters. I was discouraged by the job market and figured that I would never get hired a place that I or my husband would be willing to move. To this day, I keep thinking back on this decision, and I tend to blame all dissatisfaction about my life (probably irrationally) on it. I wish I'd at least tried and failed instead of just giving up - especially since when I look at my department's track record for placing its grads in tenure-track jobs. Almost everyone in my program who stuck with the job search succeeded. It might have taken a few years of 1-year positions and fellowships, but they kept their focus, worked through the failures, and ended up with what they came to grad school for in the first place.

Who knows – maybe my failure would have been a glaring example. But I'll never know. And I think about that every day. I'm not standing on the edge of a bridge with "ABD" pinned to my shirt or anything, but I regret that I gave up on my career aspirations, and I feel like it's too late to do anything about it now.

Just offering a cautionary tale about how it might be easier to walk away from your career than it will be to get over it.
posted by bibliowench at 9:35 AM on April 21 [1 favorite]

Additional full disclosure prompted by bibliowench:

I went to law school and proceeded to lose every iota of confidence in my intellectual abilities that I'd ever had. It sucked my spirit dry and I told myself that I didn't want to be a lawyer if it meant dealing with the type of people who taught me in law school and the type of students I went to law school with.

Four years later, my mojo's back (thanks to therapy and dozens of askmefi questions) and I'm preparing to sit for my state's bar. Many of my classmates are on their third or fourth firm and I will be at a distinct disadvantage when I begin my job search. But I'm not giving up...and I've got more than a decade on you.
posted by notjustfoxybrown at 9:53 AM on April 21

I’m detecting a fair amount of self-recrimination in your post. ‘Suck it up’ , ‘stop feeling sorry for myself’; it sounds like you are not only getting down on yourself for not finding a job, but getting down on yourself for being upset about it. It’s okay to be depressed or fearful about the future, even if those feelings are logically unwarranted. Feelings are not rational.
The first step to getting out of your current state might be to accept yourself. It’s okay to be down in the dumps at the prospect of not finding a job, even though your position is relatively fine. You were expecting that your current gig would work out, or that you would find another job. Having those hopes dashed is a pretty big deal! Take the time to mourn the blow to your expectations. It will be easier to ‘get over it’ if you aren’t beating yourself up for not ‘getting over it’.

I think you realize on some level that you are being a little bit dramatic about your future in your chosen career. 15% of your class has not found a job yet. Chances are, most of those people will find a job in the field within the next couple of years. Five years down the line, it will be hard to tell which graduates missed the current hiring cycle. My bet is that the only people who are not in the field will be those who either wilfully changed careers due to unsuitability or those that give up on the hunt.

Finally, consider that your perception of the ‘hiring cycle’ might be more rigid than it actually is. Several of your classmates who currently have a job will quit or be let go from their positions. Employers will be looking to fill those spots with another graduate ASAP, and if you don’t give up on networking and looking, you will be in the perfect position to be their guy/girl!
posted by sid at 10:07 AM on April 21

Follow-up from the OP

Thank you all for your advice, but I'm really not looking for career/job hunting advice. I really don't want to get into what my field is because it's distinct enough that I could probably be identified and I really would prefer to stay anonymous. I can assure you all that I know my field and the career path is incredibly rigid. I've done the informational interviews, I've talked to my career services, I’ve looked into alternate careers, there is literally nothing I haven't tried to do to get a job. I've seen other people in similar positions to me who have graduated in the past few years and it isn't pretty. Most have either gone back to whatever their jobs were before they went back to school or have gotten married. While there is always the chance that something amazing will come my way out of the blue, the chance of that happening grows more unlikely by the day. I realize it isn't like this for most fields/careers (explaining this to anyone outside my field is nearly impossible and they never believe me), but I can assure you this is in fact how it is. It’s a very cut throat make it or break it kind of a field. I promise you I am very creative and resourceful, I have tried everything, but it’s all over.

Also, I wouldn't actually be getting a job as a "secretary" exactly, hence the higher pay, but it would still be very menial work, with no possibility of advancement. However, to get the higher pay I would have to live in NYC, with sky high living prices and $1500 monthly loan payments, will make it just barely livable. I realize I could defer, but with no prospects of my salary increasing greatly anytime in the next 5 to 10 years, I don't really see the point of putting off the inevitable. I realize this is a lot better than most people have it, which is why the question was about trying to gain some perspective, this is much easier said than done.

My biggest issue is dealing long term with the fact that I'm not going to have a job that is interesting or challenging or have any sort of career. I realize there are interesting jobs I could get, but I could barely make my loan payments on the salary, let alone rent, so it just isn't realistic.

posted by jessamyn at 11:40 AM on April 21

According to your follow-up, your position now is akin to that of athletes that can't compete anymore, models that are too old, creative people dealing with "you won't work in this town again" backlash --

So, what do they do? I think they develop careers out of their other interests. If the most highly-paid alternative employment you can think of has no advancement, then probably you need to think of something else for the long term. For the short term, yeah, take it, get 3 roommates, and live in Queens. Pay your loans and shovel as much extra as you can aside for developing that next career path. Incidentally, that's what everyone does who changes careers. As someone above mentioned, your debt is not that unlike a mortgage.

$1500 a month debt plus $800 a month rent (again: Queens, roommates) is about $24K a year. If you can really make $60K, it seems you have more than a little wiggle-room.
posted by xo at 12:44 PM on April 21

Your followup comes across as melodramatic and self-pitying. I cry "bullshit!". There is ALWAYS an alternative career path, and the fact that you state unequivocally that there is not just tells me you are not thinking out of the box. No matter how hard the field you can always find opportunity:

- Take another internship, pay your dues and build your work experience
- Take temporary contracts in your field or do consulting
- Do consulting in your field to some other part of the value chain in your industry
- Start your own business
- Start a not-for-profit in your field
- Write grants for research your field
- Go lateral - work for a financial services firm or consulting firm, and try to build (eventually) a practice in your field

You have several times mentioned you have to give up the dream. I think that's ridiculous. There is always a lateral approach that can work.
posted by zia at 1:54 PM on April 21 [1 favorite]

$1500 a month debt plus $800 a month rent (again: Queens, roommates) is about $24K a year. If you can really make $60K, it seems you have more than a little wiggle-room.

This is true. Astoria is a nice neighborhood that is not far from midtown.

It seems that you are very sad about the turn your life has taken. Maybe a therapist would help you feel better. You might also like to try moodgym. It's helpful for the kind of patterns of thinking that you're expressing here.

People here are offering you career advice, but only because they're trying to offer you a little hope--you deserve to be hopeful about your future.

Good luck, and hang in there.
posted by sondrialiac at 3:37 PM on April 21

I think you're being offered perspective, but not the one you want to hear. There are other ways to make your life work--you just don't seem particularly interested in them.
posted by liketitanic at 7:20 PM on April 21

additional follow-up from the op.

I realize everyone is just trying to be nice and hopeful, but you all have no idea what I even do. How could you possibly know what my career prospects are? 75% of the career advice being suggested is totally irrelevant, the other 25% I've already been trying for a very long time and will continue to do so for probably at least another year or two. I am not simply going to give up, but I see the writing on the wall. I really, really don't want career advice. I get career advice all day long from everyone asking me if I have a job yet. At this point none of the advice is new, or something that I am not doing or attempting to do at this moment. I'm tired of living in suspended animation, I'm tired of coming home to a mailbox full of rejection letters everyday, and I mean everyday.

I really just need to find a way to be ok with it, not all problems can be fixed, some things you simply must accept.

zia: yes there are alternate career paths I could go into, however they don't pay enough. I have over 100k in debt, way over 100k in debt (If I got a great short term opportunity I could defer but there would have to be a high paying job at some point down the road, at this point there is no such opportunity, and yes I am trying). Starting a non profit or working for free or next to nothing just isn't an option nor given my field can I even imagine who said non profit would serve (nor would it be respected and/or valued in my field). I don't do anything even vaguely to do with research of which I would need to get grant funding. And you can't lateral into a job, unless you have a job to lateral from. I have no experience relevant to the financial sector, I have actually randomly looked into it as I have a relative fairly high up at a major bank, and their response was they couldn't imagine in what capacity I could do anything in the field.

sondrialiac: Thank you so much for actually answering the question, I'm going to look into moodgym it looks interesting.

posted by jessamyn at 5:12 AM on April 22

Then I think one easy way to do this is to focus on your physical well-being. If you're physically healthy--eating well, sleeping enough, exercising regularly--mental stresses are easier to bear and, I think, can be diminished.

Think about what it would mean to have a rich, rewarding life not doing your work. Would you have a hobby? What would it be? Would you live elsewhere? Can you? I think part of moving forward is having a vision of the future. (And that can be kind of fun, too.)
posted by liketitanic at 7:14 PM on April 23