Shower Planning?

April 20, 2008 8:52 PM

I need to help plan a wedding shower, and I have no idea what I'm doing.

I'm a bridesmaid in a wedding coming up in October. I don't really know where to start or what to do -- I'm one of four bridesmaids, and we're all very busy. The date for the shower has been set, and it's about three months away. I've talked to the bride a bit about it, but I don't want her to feel like she's planning it. She's in her mid-twenties, said a theme might be fun, and wants something laid back. The shower will be at her parent's house in our hometown.

I'm not sure how showers even work -- is there a registry for gifts? How do I figure out the invitations? Are "goody bags" given to the attendees? How much of this am I supposed to discuss with the bride and the bride's mother? What about the other bridesmaids? We're all graduate students who live in different cities, and it's been difficult to communicate as of yet. I'm welcome to experiences with showers as well as hearing from people who have planned them.

Also, if someone has advice about a book that would help guide me -- there are so many of them out there, and I have no idea if I even need one. If I do, which one should I check out from the library?

I'm also looking for tips on being a bridesmaid in general.

posted by k8lin to society & culture (10 comments total)

The maid/matron of honour usually takes on planning (as a formality). You need to talk to the bride's family and the other bridesmaids. A shower really depends on the culture of your bride (and perhaps groom). I mean this in ethnic, regional and socio-economic terms. For example, where I grew up, all showers were kitchen showers and you spent about $15-20 on a gift. You spend a couple of hours playing silly games and eating homemade food. You stuck all the gift wrap bows on a paper plate or hat for the bride to wear.

However, where I live now, people seem to start the shower at around 10 am for brunch. Then they do an activity in the afternoon. Then a light lunch. Then the spa. Then a fancy dinner. Then dancing. And people spend more like $50+ for a gift, which is as much as someone who liked you would spend on your wedding where I grew up.
posted by acoutu at 9:02 PM on April 20, 2008

When in doubt, start at theknot.com:

- Shower Planning Basics
- Invite Etiquette
- Planning Checklist

If you've already checked all that, and want personal pointers, this is based on my one & so far only attempt at organizing a shower:

- Don't fear working with the hostess (the bride's mom, in your case) for input. She may have ideas of her own, might as well let her help you do some of the brainstorming regarding activities, theme, food, etc. No doubt she will also be a huge help on the day of the shower itself, since it's going down in her house.
- Ask the bride if she has a separate registry she's setting up just for the shower.
- Get a general idea of how big your bride wants her shower to be, and get list of invitees from bride, bride's mom, and groom's mom (if she's local to where the shower is being held). Make sure everybody RSVP's to you (to minimize confusion), but share the RSVP list with bride's mom so she knows how many to expect.
- If the other bridesmaids are geographically separate from you, it's gonna be difficult to delegate pre-shower tasks to them that you couldn't handle more easily yourself. However if it comes down to it, it isn't uncouth to ask for a small monetary contribution from them to defray the costs of the party (again, it depends upon your group, and how well this would go over - most maids would be ok with that as long as it wasn't a ton of money).
- Don't forget to factor in some of your own time pre and post party, for setup and cleanup (ESPECIALLY cleanup).
posted by brain cloud at 9:26 PM on April 20, 2008

Ok, the only work that the bride should do for this is set up a wedding registry with gifts for both the wedding and the shower.

Invitations are sent from the bridesmaid or host (neither the bride or her mother should send the invites) to the guests and their design is usually a reflection of the shower theme. Anything can be a theme, ie: kitchen items, lingerie, liquor, pool party, board games - anything that reflects who the bride is and/or what she needs. There are usually games like making a toilet paper dress etc...

Sometimes the bows from the gifts are made up into a bouquet that the bride will use at the wedding rehearsal.

For a book try "The Bridesmaid Handbook" by Sharon Naylor. It covers the basics and should help. Also, consider a wedding planning book (like “The Unofficial Guide to Planning Your Wedding” by Eileen Livers ) then read the chapters on bridesmaids. They usually give the same advice to brides about what they should have their bridesmaids help with. Chances are your friend has one of these books and then you will be prepared in advance.

Have fun!!
posted by saradarlin at 9:38 PM on April 20, 2008

Also here are some general bridesmaid tips. I will assume for the sake of argument that this will be a formal/fancy wedding since generally that makes for a more high maintenance situation.

- Be as completely organized as you can about your own stuff, so you can be pressed into service if necessary the night before and/or the day of the wedding. Everything might go swimmingly but if it doesn't, the bride will be eternally grateful knowing you could be counted on in a pinch.
- Be ready to do wierd things such as helping your bride go to the bathroom. Ever had to negotiate a toilet stall in a big froofy dress? No? Neither has your friend. Trust me, that one is at least a two-person effort.
- Make sure your friend gets enough sit-down time at her own reception. The whole thing is going to be a whirl of activity anyway, and she probably won't remember half of it, but keep an eye on her anyway.
- Don't be the drunk bridesmaid who ruins everything, and expect that one of your number will be that person. Make sure to keep your friend, the bride, as separate as possible from drunk-bridesmaid if that should come to pass.
- You may be called upon to make a speech in front of tons of people you don't know, so be ready with some nice words about the bride and the couple and their families if you can't think of anything clever to say.
posted by brain cloud at 9:39 PM on April 20, 2008

Although it doesn't address the shower specifically, I'd like to endorse everything brain cloud says about being a bridesmaid.

Disclaimer: I'm not having a shower this time around. There may be some sort of "married ladies having a nice time" party. Most of my cohort is married or remarried, so that may not apply to your situation at all.
posted by lilywing13 at 12:22 AM on April 21, 2008

I went to a shower recently. There were about 15 people there, ranging from the bride's co-workers and friends, to the bride's mother and a few of her friends, and the bride's sister and a few of her friends. The bride created the guest list, and her sister handled invites. Ladies only. Lunch was served (lasagna, salad, cheese & crudites), we opened the presents, and ate cake. No gift bags. One of the bridesmaids kept track of what gift was from whom, so that the bride could write thank-you cards. Another bridesmaid collected all the bows and stuck them on a paper plate for the bride's "practice bouquet," to be used at her dress rehearsal.

The theme was an "Around the Clock" shower. The invitations had clocks on them, and each invitee was assigned a "time," and encouraged (but not required) to bring a gift that related to it. Times were things like "breakfast time," "beach time," "bath time," "picnic time," "party time," etc. I got a weird time and ended up getting the bride something I knew she'd like that had nothing to do with my time, and it was fine. I spent about $40 on my gift. The invitations had the bride's registry on them, and asked that guests RSVP to her sister, who was organizing the party.

The bride played the "chewing gum game." That was fun to watch, but it requires that you or someone is friends with the groom. One of the bridesmaids (or mother or something) ask the groom a bunch of questions in advance, then you ask the bride what she thinks her groom answered. Questions ranged from silly ("If your groom could be any kitchen utensil, what would he be?") to romantic ("Where is your groom's favorite place to take you on a date?"). Answers were multiple choise or open ended. For every question the bride got wrong, she had to place a piece of gum in her mouth. My friend only ended up with two pieces, but I could see it being pretty funny if she had to stick ten in there!

I hope this helps, or at least gives you some ideas!
posted by kidsleepy at 8:25 AM on April 21, 2008

[advance warning of super-long comment]

This is a great bridesmaid's manual -- v. realistic and practical. Recommend highly A+++

kidsleepy's overview of the general course of events is spot-on. I've been a bridesmaid a dozen times, and consequently have thrown probably a dozen showers/bachelorette/pre-wedding parties. Here are the tips I've accumulated along the way (mostly the hard way).

- Definitely talk to your bride friend, to discover her expectations of the shower. Ask her what she's hoping the party will be like. This isn't the same thing as planning it... but answers like, "Just a laidback afternoon with my BFFs" or "a really traditional girly event" or "collect as much loot as I can!!!!!!" will really help guide you as you plan.

- Formal etiquette dictates that neither the bride nor her immediate family are to be involved with the shower, as it gives the impression that the family is just trying to amass loot. (I never really understood this... I mean, showers are traditional in American culture, the whole point is to "shower the couple with gifts," so why pretend it's anything other than a gift grab? But, still... it's considered tacky if the bride or her mom/sisters host the party. I know, I know.)

That said, I believe the rules have become more relaxed. I really don't think anyone would look askance if the bridesmaids hosted a shower at the bride's mother's house. But I still think you should avoid putting the mother's name on the invitations, for appearance's sake.

But, since it is being hosted at her house, you definitely should discuss the logistics with the bride's mother at length. When you'll be arriving to set up, who will be helping clean up after, who will be getting the food served, who will be providing the serving items, who will be storing the cake and the punch... that sort of thing.

- A registry is not dictated by the shower, necessarily, but by whether the bride and groom have decided to register anywhere. But if your friend is planning to register, you might suggest she do so before the shower, as it will make the gift-giving much simpler for guests. In fact, my general advice to brides vis-a-vis registries is to register three places, and make sure they are distinct in their advantage to the purchaser -- for example, registries at Target, Dillard's and [the local high-end shop in bride's hometown] offer three different price points, a mix of online and brick-and-mortar availability, and one ultra-traditional option for the grandparents' friends. Or maybe she chooses three different price points but insures that they all offer online ordering and shipping. And so on. Most shower hosts choose to include registry information on the invitation.

- "Goodie bags" aka favors are NOT a requirement. Still, it's a nice touch and can be done inexpensively. None of the guests should be expecting Oscar-presenter-style gifts.

- In fact, everything can be done inexpensively, especially if you or one of the girls is very crafty. You've got the benefit of time, too. Six months is a long time to plan a shower and it allows you to opt for the "good and cheap" of "good, cheap or fast: pick any two" rule of business. CostCo or your local price club is invaluable for this sort of thing, as you can get affordable wine, flowers, produce, baked goods, little appetizers that can pop in the oven for 10 minutes. I've done invitations with hand-drawn art photocopied onto colored paper from the sale bin at Kinko's, complete with matching #10 envelopes, for $5 per pack; you don't have to use Crane.

- I like to have ladies-only showers in the afternoon from 2 - 4 pm -- so that I do not have to serve a full luncheon meal and can go with a light "tea menu" and desserts instead (finger sandwiches, crudité, petits fours, that sort of thing). It's easier on the planning, easier on the party flow (you can just set out everything buffet-style and let people nosh and graze), and easier on the wallet.

And, because I drink, I like to serve drinks -- a champagne punch or white sangria or daiquiri (whatever works with the theme), along with some regular wine and lots of non-alcoholic beverages like tea, sodas, water. But alcohol is certainly not expected or traditional at a wedding shower! Plus, if you skip it you can keep costs down.

- Shower games are a mixed bag. Some people love them, some hate them. I used to be rabidly anti-game, with the argument that if 15 grown women can't find some topic on which to entertain themselves with polite conversation for one hour, we've got other problems. But, I've come around. There are some games that I think are cute and entertaining; plus it can be a nice icebreaker if the attendees don't all know each other. In my culture (Texas, Anglo, FWIW), the hostesses get a small wrapped gift to give the game winner(s).

- The order of operations I follow for shower-planning with co-hosts is this:
-- Figure out close to simultaneously "what the bride wants + what kind of party the other bridesmaids and I can afford to throw." The finances simply have to be considered. When I was still in school, I just could not afford to throw lavish parties, and so planning a caviar/signature martini/orchid favors-sort of event with 100 guests just wasn't realistic.
-- Decide who is going to take the lead on the planning. There has to be a project manager. Usually the honor attendant takes this role... but it's not set in stone so do whatever works for you all.
-- Agree on the budget. The rule of thumb in my culture is that she who is listed on the invitation, chips in cash -- so if all four bridesmaids are the official hostesses, the bill will get split four ways. So, let's say you all agree you can each chip in $100. Times four gives you a total party budget of $400. That is firm. Also at this point, before anything gets spent, decide who is going to front the expenses and who is going to repay and how -- maybe the bridesmaid that is farthest away and will be able to contribute the least labor volunteers to send a check to someone. Or whoever does the food shopping agrees to share her receipts from that, and then contribute $100 - X. Or someone has to wait till her student loans come in in August.
-- While weighing the budget and bride's desires, choose the theme and consider how it will be executed. Does it require lots of expensive decorations? Expensive menu? Or custom invitations? How much of the budget does that eat?
-- Figure out how much per person at minimum it will cost you to host the shower. Then, divide your budget by that number. (so, if $15 per person, and $400, then you can afford about 25 people. Add 20-25% for declined invitations, then tell the bride that you'd like to have a guest list of 35-40 people) This insures that you don't get more people attending than you can afford. You can also ask her to indicate on her list who she thinks is very likely/moderately likely/unlikely to attend.
-- Make a list of who is responsible for what, and the timeline of who does what when -- starting from now and going all the way through the day after the shower. Get very granular on this if you need to, so that the other 'maids are clear on their responsibilities and no one feels overburdened.

Some THEMES that I have used, or seen at other showers, which were cute and practical to execute:

- "Happy Hour Shower", where people brought gifts for the couple to use for entertaining. The invites had a margarita on them. The favors were margarita-flavored jellybeans in a cello bag with a little drink umbrella stuck in, and a little card shaped like a lime wedge that read, "Thanks for sharing this special day with BRIDE. Many 'happy hours' to you! ~ the hostesses". This was ladies only.

- "Honey-Do Shower", couples event where the groom gets to participate. Gifts were all for DIY-around the house. Registered at Home Depot.

- "Around the Clock", general home gifts. Each guest is given a certain hour of the day on their invitation (5 pm, 9 am, 11 pm, 3 am, etc), and is asked to bring a gift that corresponds to that time of day. The gift-opening is quite entertaining on this one. I've seen this done as ladies-only or couples.

- "Honeymoon Shower," gifts for the couple's post-wedding travel. Themed with the destination of their trip, with postcards from the destination, photos, etc.

- "Spa Shower," with gifts for the bathroom and general relaxing. The favors were a little soap and some chocolates, with a note, "Thanks for helping pamper BRIDE, now take some time to pamper yourself!" This was ladies only. But we actually did this one in the evening with just the bride's girlfriends, and it was a lot of fun and very casual.

- "Recipe Shower," gifts for the kitchen, plus each guest was given a blank recipe card to complete before arriving, with one of the favorites from her own kitchen. Then the hosts collected and compiled those in a special recipe box to present the bride. Favors were wooden kitchen spoons tied with color-coordinated ribbon and a little note. This was ladies only.

- "Stock the Bar," gifts for entertaining and the bar. I think this one is more appropriate for evening, and seems to work best with co-ed attendees. Caveat: people will expect alcohol to be offered at this shower. If men are invited, they will all bring handles of liquor or liquor gift packs on the display at the package store.

- "Tailgate Shower," where the bride was joining the groom's VERY FANATIC college football family. They got lots of mascot themed stuff, tailgating supplies (which are basically the same as picnic/camping supplies). The food was all tailgate-style food, which was very cute. This was couples.

- "Lingerie or Boudoir Shower," where the bride gets undies, lingerie, pajamas, and so on. People who don't want to give clothes can give bath products or non-clothing lingerie items like sachets, laundry bags, sleeping masks, pillow covers. I usually see these bolted onto the bachelorette party, and inevitably someone gives a "personal massager" or gift certificate to Toys in Babeland.

- "Gift Card Shower," for a traveling bride who is attending a shower away from home. These tend to be more party than shower, and there's nothing to open, of course. But you can decorate a nice box or receptacle (google "Wishing Well Shower" for loads of ideas on this) for people to drop their envelopes in, and then everyone just eats and visits.

For other ideas, I recommend going to the local party invitation store for inspiration. Or, go to an online stationery website and peruse the bridal shower invitation samples -- you will get good ideas for wording, formatting, and themes. But you don't have to have a theme. If you don't, the bride will just get things she registered for, and that's fine too.

I could seriously go on and on, but this is getting ridiculous in length. Feel free to MefiMail me if you want more thoughts on any of this stuff.
posted by pineapple at 9:28 AM on April 21, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

However, where I live now, people seem to start the shower at around 10 am for brunch. Then they do an activity in the afternoon. Then a light lunch. Then the spa. Then a fancy dinner. Then dancing. And people spend more like $50+ for a gift, which is as much as someone who liked you would spend on your wedding where I grew up.
I'm just curious, acoutu - where are you located? I've never been to a bridal shower that lasted all day and ended up with dinner and dancing.

A bridal shower can include anywhere from a handful to a hundred guests, depending upon how many people the bride wants to invite. Usually it's either at a restaurant or someone's home, and either lunch or a buffert is served. The guests play a few rounds of silly games (bridal bingo, make a wedding dress out of toilet paper, etc) and then the bride opens all her gifts, while bridesmaids take notes and keep gift cards in order, etc, so that the bride can later write her thank-you cards.

Usually the bridesmaids get a whole passel of little things at the Dollar Store - decorative kitchen towels, candles, knick-knacks, things like that - enough so that every attendee goes home with a "prize" by the end of the party.
posted by Oriole Adams at 9:41 AM on April 21, 2008

This depends a lot on region, social class, etc. You want to get this clear with bride if you don't have a clear sense of her tastes.

I've been to one (thrown by a well-off family from NYC) that was a formal brunch at a restaurant, the kind of place ladies wear summer hats to. There were a couple of little around-the-table slip-of-paper games (bride has to guess who made which funny predictions about where the happy couple would be in five years; bride has to guess how groom answered some questions etc), we had lunch, she opened presents and we all cooed and passed the presents around, and that was it. Someone kept track of who gave which gift; bridesmaids helped to collect all the stuff and wrapping after it was over and transport to designated location.

Another was at a friend's house with many generations all together, and all the married ladies told stories about marriage and gave funny advice; that was a great one. Some of her relatives had brought pictures of her as a kid, which was nice for a few members of his family who were there. The hostess was great about getting the different constituencies talking to each other. Low-key food (finger sandwiches, veggie plate, etc), some music and some planned games in case things fell flat - but the mix of people made it a very nice time without anything feeling forced.

Someone should take pictures, if the bride isn't adamantly opposed.

No goodie bags in either case.
Beware looking on "The Knot" or in bridal magazines, if your friend isn't already telling you that's the kind of thing she wants, because it can pretty quickly start to seem like a LOT of things are required, when really they aren't. indiebride.com is another useful place to look, but beware because it can quickly escalate to "I must make handmade invitations and handmade plates and personally select every song that will play during the event or else I don't care enough to give it that personal touch".
Give people clear directions; don't make it look like mom is hosting; have food that everyone can reasonably eat some of; bring a few games or conversation starters and you will be fine. Happy chatter will prevail.
posted by LobsterMitten at 11:52 AM on April 21, 2008

Oriole -- I'm in Vancouver, Canada and I grew up not too far away.
posted by acoutu at 9:13 PM on April 22, 2008