How does a decent, caring but impotent and shy guy ever find a girlfriend?
March 23, 2008 5:02 PM Subscribe
I am a 38-year-old man who has many good qualities (I hope so at least) but two drawbacks which understandably be dealbreakers for most women - I am impotent and I have a small penis (around 4 inches on the rare occasions it is erect), so even if my impotence got treated I am not sure I could satisfy a women. On the other hand, I have heard that it's possible to have satisfactory sex life with a 3 inch penis, but have no idea how that can be. So basically I am what would be a figure of ridicule for many other men, and not exactly a strong candidate to be a boyfriend for most women either.
However I know some women while still heterosexual may not want a sexual partner e.g. they may be celibate for whatever reason. And there may even be women who will overlook a sex life without penetrative sex for the right person. I have just come out of a four-year relationship which had lots of affection and companionship but not strong feelings of passion and obviously no sex, but I eventually want another relationship again and believe I have a lot of love to give the right person. How can I find her?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (38 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
I have only been in one long-term relationship in my life, which lasted 4 years after we met on a self-help site. It took me a long time to accept that someone could actually fancy me as I felt unloveable because of my previous lack of success with women (she even asked me out, which I thought was great) and even more amazingly she even accepted my impotence. She was a great friend to me and helped me become a more affectionate and open person where I was totally shy before. She made me feel accepted and lovable, like I had something to offer, but I ended the relationship when my romantic feelings went away and we became more like best friends/ roommates since I didn't think it was fair to either of us to live a lie (with me not feeling things as I used to). I wish we could still be friends but she was devasted and didn't want to see me anymore - which I can understand totally.
Because of this one relationship I know I could have another with the right person, if only I could meet them. Since I have mild SA (social anxiety) as well as shyness I visit a lot of SA websites and there are a surprising number of people who have never had a partner, even at my age, and I think I would get along well with another shy person and they might be accepting of my physical problem too. Since shy people by definition are often at home, where do I find such a person? At what point in a relationship with someone do I confess I'm impotent, and if we have mutual friends by then isn't there the potential for some huge public embarrassment on my part as well as feeling rejected if it's a dealbreaker for her? I do think the only way I could find such a needle in a haystack is online dating, but should I advertise for friends first (and see if the "maybe more" happens eventually) or is that being deceptive?
I am in no rush to find a partner as I feel it's time to regroup and work on being someone I can imagine being more dateable (for example I need to lose some weight). However when it's time to start dating again, how can I overcome my handicaps and find someone that I can love and will love me too?
I am * SO * glad Ask Metafilter exists as I could never bring this subject up with my male friends. Thanks in advance for any advice or opinions.