Lesbians in hiding! Where do I find them?

February 28, 2008 9:57 AM

Where are all the lesbian yuppies in NY hiding?

I've lived in New York my entire life, save for the four-year hiatus called "college." Considering these are the prime years to go out and explore, I found myself being disconnected from the city that I grew up in when I finally moved back here.

So here's my dilemma - I've gone to some bars and clubs (Hens, Catty, what have you) and 20-Something (unfortunately mostly gay men), and found that the lesbians I've met are particularly scene-y; bois, grrls, AGs, homothugs, hipsters, and everything under the sun except:

The "normal" ones. The illustrious lesbian that is comfortable enough in her own skin that she does not need to identify herself by the way she dresses. The lesbian who is striving to establish a career and a life for herself. The overwhelming majority of lesbians I've met have no real direction, and this is slightly unsettling (they talk big, but talk is cheap). I realize that I have only met a small sample of the purportedly large lesbian contingent in New York, but there is such a lack of resources to find like-minded lesbos.

Are there networking events geared towards lesbians in their early-mid 20s in New York that I'm missing out on? Most of the ones I've seen seem to target the older lesbian subset.

posted by chan.caro to human relations (14 comments total)

I can't answer your specific question. But it's worth noting that it is relatively rare for most people in their early to mid-twenties to be confident and comfortable in their identity and direction. It would follow it would be even more rare among young gay women and men, who in American culture have even more identity crises/pressures to deal with their straight counterparts. Don't give up on finding that grounded lesbian (believe me, I feel your pain about the scenesters), but it may not be that you're looking in the wrong places, but that they just aren't all that prevalent at our age.
posted by schroedinger at 10:10 AM on February 28

total wine bar may be what you are looking for.

my friend who fits your exact description had the following to say. "it's not officially lesbian but everytime i go, i see girls like me."
posted by phil at 10:24 AM on February 28

I hope I'm not stepping on any toes or insinuating something I don't mean to, but:

Wouldn't the lesbians you're looking for just be scattered all over? Like, if you're looking to find a woman who is a lesbian, but doesn't make "lesbian" her dominant character feature, then you'll just have to attend social events to meet people like she who you seek.

Is there any sort of Lesbian Businesswoman's Society of New York? Even if populated by predominantly older ladies, it's probably a good networking resource anyway, but they may know ladies closer to your age, and at the same time may be impressed by your interest in business over the frippery that the other youths enjoy.
posted by explosion at 10:25 AM on February 28 [2 favorites]

I'd hate to stereotype but I notice a higher percentage of lesbians...

-On sports teams.
-As female rap/rock musicians.
-In feminist/womens' activist groups, and at their events.
-In the more liberal parts of my city.
-In the restaurant service industry (especially bartenders). These girls tend to be bi though, I don't know if you're also seeking bi women.

But, you'll find gays, lesbians, and bisexuals everywhere. And I mean everywhere. I even knew a LGBT folks at church. Keep your eyes and heart open. :) Strike up a conversation with a chick, if you catch her checking you out. My opinion, the eyes are the biggest gaydar. No straight woman has any business undressing you with their eyes.

If you feel confortable doing this, try wearing something rainbow (a ring, wristband, earrings, or whatever) to show that you're lesbian, single, and ready to mingle.
posted by sixcolors at 10:48 AM on February 28

IANAL, also IANAW but did you ever try the ol' internets for this? Apparently people meet each other on this thing all the time.

Is maybe the problem that a lesbian who is comfortable with herself and who's self worth is not 100% involved with the scene is just as likely to be hanging around with straight people? Maybe even men? I think maybe so, because I end up falling in love with these kind of lesbians somewhat regularly.
posted by sully75 at 10:49 AM on February 28

As explosion says, it may be worthwhile to focus on meeting people with similar interests, in situations that will likely include some single lesbian women.

If your circumstances permit it, you might want to look into joining a young patrons' group at one of the non-profit performing arts organisations. These groups tend to attract "yuppie" types who are interested in the arts, and in my experience, such types definitely include women of the type that you'd like to meet.
posted by sueinnyc at 10:50 AM on February 28

Park Slope.
posted by dame at 10:56 AM on February 28

Park Slope.

Dammit, dame!
posted by expialidocious at 10:58 AM on February 28

Park Slope.
posted by Greg Nog at 11:12 AM on February 28

Apologies for sounding acerbic, but Park Slope is pointing out the obvious. Places and events in Park Slope, or even, the rest of the city would be a more helpful response.

I'll have to check out phil's suggestion of Total Wine Bar. It looks like a cool place.

Thank you for your responses. I'll be taking them to heart =)
posted by chan.caro at 11:26 AM on February 28

A lot of them play rugby, if you go for the athletic type.
posted by electroboy at 11:30 AM on February 28

Go to New York Liberty games. Lots of "luppies" among WNBA fans (and players).
posted by Carol Anne at 12:06 PM on February 28

A few of my friends swear by The Cubby Hole and Rubyfruit, though I haven't been myself. The Cubby Hole is supposed to be a little more lively and slightly more of a pick-up joint, while Rubyfruit caters to a slightly older/more mature clientele.
posted by widdershins at 1:04 PM on February 28

Nancy Polikoff is discussing and signing her book "Beyond Straight and Gay Marriage" at the Center on March 11. Your question doesn't go into enough specifics for me to determine if this is the kind of event that you'd enjoy, but it might be worth checking out. You're sure to find some young, radical, serious-minded lesbians at it. You might also want to generally keep an eye on events at the Center.

If you're athletic, consider trying to join the Prospect Park Softball League. Even if you're not, you should try to go watch their games and then perhaps join the teams later on at the bars they frequent (Excelsior and Ginger's, mainly). Also, check out Gotham Girls Roller Derby. Large number of straight women there, but they have a huge gay girl following, and they also have great parties after their bouts (which are now taking place uptown). If your tastes and talents run to the more artistic, you could consider signing up for Circus Amok!'s newsletter and attending their benefits. There are large numbers of professional lesbians associated with these three groups. Also, pay attention to the happenings listed in Go magazine.

I sympathize with your plight. I spent a good deal of time in the bars when I was establishing myself in this city both professionally and socially. I know what you mean when you say it's hard to find like minded people sometimes. Keep an open mind, strike up a conversation with the woman sitting next to you, and be adventurous. I found that the secret to success in this city's lesbian scene was to be attentive to opportunity -- all it takes is one person you connect with. If you keep at it, you'll wind up with a circle of friends and acquaintances (and perhaps even girlfriends) before you know it. Good luck.
posted by lassie at 9:37 PM on February 28 [1 favorite]