don't call me anymore

February 25, 2008 1:20 AM

My ex has turned violent on me. What recourses can I take?

We’ve had other violent interactions while together, in which the police were called by neighbors. He has had his hands around my throat and pushed me down. We are no longer together.

Last night, my then significant other and I got into a petty disagreement, which escalated into a point of no return. We were arguing and I asked him to leave my place. He did so but then returned (which by the way is scary, since my building has a secured entrance so either for ten or so minutes he waited inside the building or somehow managed to enter without authorization). I opened the door. He looked like he had been crying and asked me if I thought things were really going to work out between us. We talked for a bit while he was still in the hallway. Our conversation escalated and without invitation he came in.

He started yelling at me and demanding to look at my text messages for evidence about what my evening plans were. I told him he was being irrational and he needed to leave. I told him this repeatedly. He refused. I continued to refuse to submit on the grounds that he had absolutely no right to demand such invasions of my privacy. He thought this was evidence of my guilt. He admitted to going through my personal possessions at an earlier time when we were still together, which apparently was the catalyst to his suspicions. I tried to leave (I got to the stairway) but he followed me and continued to argue. I returned to my apartment to get away from him. He demanded that I delete his number. While I was doing so, he manhandled the phone away from me and deliberately smashed my cell phone on the ground. He has acknowledged such action but refuses to pay. He even acknowledged while in the heat of the moment that he knew he was behaving crazily. We were both obviously sober. He is also a diagnosed bipolar if this explains the rash succession of events. I only mention this because he has brought this up to explain past irrational behaviors.

I have no desire to get back together with him so this isn’t some plea to reconcile. I just want to know what recourses I have to take against him in order for him to reimburse me for the phone. I know it’s small potatoes and an unreasonable fight but this situation feels like the last straw in a long line of personal invasions. What can I do? I was told I could file a small claims report for relatively cheap? I was also told to cut my losses and walk away.

We work together as well. I was told to speak to my boss but this happened off site and seems irrelevant to the job. I also don’t want my personal life dredged through work.

I've talked to a few close friends. They've told me to ignore it. If people tell me to swallow it (one more time), I think I might scream. Please tell me that there is something, anything I can do to gain some sort of control of this situation.

What can I do? What should I do?

posted by somersault to human relations (42 comments total)

Cell phone: cut your losses and walk away.

Personal safety: seek a restraining order.
posted by flabdablet at 1:26 AM on February 25

well, it would probably be a good idea to be prepared to defend yourself. If you really think he's dangerous, having mace handy would probably be a good interim safety measure. Talk to your boss. Sharing a workplace with a violent and obsessive ex is bad for you and your employer.
posted by [expletive deleted] at 1:34 AM on February 25

If you want to pursue this in the criminal justice system, you can file a complaint for criminal mischief or criminal damage (depending on what it is in your jursidiction) and assault. I wouldn't hold out hope for some further resolution there, but in your shoes I would probably want to do it just to know I had reported the bastard and that this will be on his record if he ever tries stuff like this again.

I wouldn't consider a civil claim against your ex yet. He may have to pay you compensation because of the criminal charges, so you can avoid a lot of the work by letting that go through. If nothing happens on that side you could always file civil charges later (before some statute of limitations kicks in), although you may not want to because it will mean more contact with the ex.

Definitely seek a restraining order. And definitely tell your boss that one of his other employees assaulted you (bring a copy of the police report). It should be relevant to them and will be even moreso if you get a restraining order that means you cannot work in the same location as your ex anymore.
posted by grouse at 1:38 AM on February 25

Do what you say above, don’t back down from the transcribed events. Start by making a police report about the incident, attach a receipt for the phone to it. The police may be able to steer you from there. Adding, you may have to talk to your boss since this could escualte from your private life to work enverionment. Just don’t back down to all of this by ignoring it like you said above; be the controlling factor here. Good Luck!
posted by thomcatspike at 1:42 AM on February 25

Talk to your boss. Even though it happened off-site, it could blow up again on-site, and he/she needs to know the history and context. Ask to speak to him/her privately, and tell him/her, "I hope this doesn't become an issue at work, but you should know that there's this situation in case it does..." Ask him/her not to share what you've told him/her with others.

Nth getting a police report, and showing a copy to your boss. That way he/she is much more likely to be on your side if things go bad at work and either you or your ex needs to go.
posted by Jacqueline at 2:06 AM on February 25

Get a new cell phone. You may need to call friends or the police. Don't worry about money for the phone right now - your first concern should be for your own safety.

Do you have any friends who aren't telling you to "ignore it?" Friends are going to be an invaluable resource - my friends were my saviors when I was in a situation somewhat similar to yours. Some of them didn't believe me at first, but as things escalated they really came through for me and I am eternally grateful to them. They advised me, sheltered me - everything.

The fact that you work together complicates matters. You are going to have to talk to your boss at some point. If you don't end up getting a restraining order, at the very least make sure you leave work with other people. At no point should you be alone with him.

Do NOT let him back into your residence, for any reason, no matter what he says. It sounds like there is a historic cycle of abuse and reconciliation. If you have to meet him for any reason, do it in a public place and bring a friend.
posted by louche mustachio at 2:28 AM on February 25

About the phone, think of it this way:
Regaining control = walking away from things like the phone repayment. Things like that can serve as a way to keep you in his life, getting into a tug of war over who will pay for the phone. You regain control of that aspect of the situation by refusing to get into that tug of war.

I would speak to the boss confidentially. Say that you have every intention of not allowing this to intrude into work, but you're giving him/her a heads-up now just in case.
posted by LobsterMitten at 2:29 AM on February 25

That is, take all the other steps people are suggesting:
speak to the police,
see if you can get a restraining order,
document everything that happened,
if you have any injuries take pictures,
buy a new phone -- Target sells Virgin ones for very cheap on month-to-month plans, you can get a new one with service tomorrow for under $50,
get in touch with a couple of friends who will take you seriously and think about arranging an emergency couch-surfing plan in case you decide you don't feel safe at your place some night,
etc.

But also, if you need to just "let go" of getting reimbursed for the phone, consider it a small price to pay to avoid further entanglement with the ex.
posted by LobsterMitten at 2:35 AM on February 25

Jeez. I went through something like this with an ex who turned violent and who owed me money. I held out for it and got it in the end because I was angry in a "How DARE you!" kind of way, but in retrospect it was stupid thing to do.

Although I filed a police report and ended up quitting my job and moving neighbourhoods to get away from him (yes, we lived and worked together too), I should have just made sure to get completely out of his radar as soon as it happened. I stuck around until I could legally leave my contract and to get my money from him. But because I was around and demanding my money on a daily basis he had me on the brain and continued to follow and stalk me. It was the scariest thing I've ever gone through. I was worried for my life.

Forget the phone and stay away from the dude. Go to the police and lay low. Guys like that are easily angered and provoked. It's just a phone. Forget about the principle of it. It's not worth your safety.

And yes, I know that's exactly what you did not want to hear, but I've been through it and know a little something.
posted by heffalump at 3:23 AM on February 25 [1 favorite]

What Grouse said, go to the cops, discuss with your boss if you get a restraining order. Also, if he comes over again, do not open the door, but call the cops. Destruction of property is often the precursor to more violence against you. It is not your concern if he is bipolar, your first concern should be your safety.

I really do understand your rage. When my ex snapped one night and rushed me from another room and shoved me upside down, that did it for me. I called the cops and pressed charges. We were renting from his family so I left while he was under the domestic violence restraining order. I lost my car, my home, my friends (due to having to move away), and a few sentimental personal items as well. That really sucked. I ended up sending him the title to my car because I was out of state, with very little resources and it was sitting in his driveway, busted, due to him not letting me get it fixed (in retrospect, I suspect he was trying to keep me there). I was really upset. I was pissed. It wasn't fair. But I knew that traveling there and trying to get it fixed would be more hassle than it was worth. He sold the car and kept the money.

I don't miss my old car. What I missed were the hopes and dreams I had for a future with someone I really loved. There is a lot of emotion here, it's not just about the cell phone, but about your intimate partner destroying your dreams and betraying you by hurting you, both physically and emotionally. There's no way to get that trust back and by all means you are entitled to file for reimbursement of your destroyed property (although you may find the cost is more than the value of the phone). But please, first take measures to protect yourself by informing the authorities.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 3:54 AM on February 25 [2 favorites]

the violence is escalating. a restraining order is necessary but won't probably be enough, since you admit your ex is not only increasingly violent but also suffers from a mental illness -- hence he may not care much about a piece of paper signed by a judge. next time, instead of the cell phone, he could smash your face against the ground; it happens a lot. get a restraining order and a gun.
posted by matteo at 4:08 AM on February 25

get a restraining order and a gun.

The LAST thing you need is a gun.

Instead of seeking advice here why don't you contact one of the many domestic violence organisations and seek advice on your options from people who are properly trained to handle such situations?

Personally, I'd chalk the phone up to a bad experience and forget about it.
posted by mattoxic at 4:51 AM on February 25 [1 favorite]

I'm not sure where you are, but in Georgia (and probably most other states) any two people who have lived together or are married or have a child together would fall under the domestic violence laws. In Georgia he would be charged with criminal trespass to property and simple assault if you feared for your safety. If police can determine the primary aggressor (your ex in this case) and he is present he will be arrested. If he is not present the officer or the detective would seek an arrest warrant from a magistrate. Once he is arrested the judge will order him to not have any violent or threatening contact with you and i'm sure he would also have to pay for damaged property before everything got resolved. If he violates the judges order by having any of the prohibited contact with you he can be charged with aggravated stalking.
I'm sure most states have a similar system. The key is to make a police report as soon as possible. You will not be pressing these charges once the report is made. The state assumes that responsibility.
Make the report to keep yourself from getting hurt the next time he comes around.
posted by prjo at 5:22 AM on February 25

Forget the phone, save the sim chip if you can so that they can transfer the numbers.
posted by furtive at 5:36 AM on February 25

contact one of the many domestic violence organisations and seek advice on your options from people who are properly trained to handle such situations

Yes. Definitely call a domestic violence hotline; here's a list for US states, and the National Domestic Violence Hotline number is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). I agree there's a lot more going on here than just the phone, and you need to take care of yourself more than the phone.

Btw, I think it's a little irresponsible to tell you to discuss this with your boss without knowing more about the work situation, but do think it's relevant that you be safe at work, too. Be sure to ask the domestic violence hotline folks about that.
posted by mediareport at 5:36 AM on February 25 [1 favorite]

Get away from this guy fast. That probably means giving up on the phone as it will only cause more interactions with him to try to get him to pay for it. A restraining order would also be a good thing. It's quite easy to obtain. Call your local women's shelter etc. for assistance or failing that the local court clerk. You don't need a lawyer. The judge will walk you through it and be sympathetic.
posted by caddis at 5:55 AM on February 25

since you admit your ex is not only increasingly violent but also suffers from a mental illness

I'm dubious about the mental illness line. OP said he's diagnosed as bipolar. Not that he's being treated for bipolar. Men use a lot of excuses to justify their violent behaviour. Unless you know personally that he's been diagnosed, or he's taking meds for the condition, I'd suspect him of a bullshit self-diagnosis aimed at getting sympathy and a free pass here.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 6:14 AM on February 25

Be very careful how you handle this at work. Your boss might just decide it is in his best interests to keep both of you away from the workplace.

If a confrontation does occur at work, make sure that you always take the high road, and absolutely refuse to have any discussion of a personal nature with your ex. Let him be the one that's the "problem" employee.
posted by yesster at 6:23 AM on February 25

This book should always be mentioned in threads like this...

The Gift of Fear by Gavin Becker

Get it and read it as it is highly pertinent in your situation.
posted by Nerro at 6:35 AM on February 25 [4 favorites]

Consider the phone the price you are glad to pay to get rid of him forever. You keep after him about the phone? He's not out of your life. He'll understand that, and drag every step of it out a thousand percent to maintain contact with you.
posted by hermitosis at 6:41 AM on February 25

Get a restraining order, tell your boss why, and don't dip your pen in the company ink for precisely this reason.
posted by BobbyDigital at 6:45 AM on February 25

I disagree with those who say you should forget about the phone. If you don't mind getting him into legal trouble, you can go to the police and in theory you can press charges on him simply for breaking the phone. He'll most likely be ordered by the court to pay restitution, if convicted.

But what does make sense is that you should not deal directly with him about the phone. Good luck.
posted by delmoi at 6:47 AM on February 25

Personal safety comes first.

1. Restraining order and whatever criminal charges are available.

2. Change your locks. Show the restraining order to your management company if they give you a hard time, and explain their potential liability if they know you're in danger and do nothing.

3. Don't get a gun unless you are comfortable killing someone in self defense. Only you can make that decision.

4. Explain everything to your bosses (and show them the restraining order), and to no one else at work. Making them aware of it gives you leverage if he becomes aggressive at work.

5. Sever contact with him, as much as is possible. Don't talk to him on the phone. Don't let him in your house. Ever.
posted by DWRoelands at 6:59 AM on February 25

Definitely get a restraining order. If you wait until something (potentially worse) happens later, you don't want to have to answer, "Why did you wait until now?"
posted by Nelsormensch at 7:15 AM on February 25

contact a women's shelter near you. they will have the contacts you need to obtain a temporary restraining order.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:21 AM on February 25

get a restraining order and a gun.

Gun? Hell no. The best self-defence is with your feet and hands and elbows and teeth. Those can't be taken away and used against you. A gun can.

Be careful talking to your boss, especially if you're in the USA in an at-will state.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 7:22 AM on February 25

Get away to some place safe, but I would suggest NOT getting a restraining order until you read De Becker's The Gift of Fear (mentioned above). He argues that it could potentially put you in more danger:

A study done for the U.S. Department of Justice found that more than a third of the women had continuing problems after getting restraining orders. That means, favorably, that almost two thirds did not have continuing problems -- but read on. While only 2.6 percent of the respondents were physically abused right after getting the orders, when they were recontacted six months later, that percentage had more than tripled. Reports of continued stalking and psychological abuse also increased dramatically after six months. This indicates that the short-term benefits of restraining orders are greater than the long-term benefits ...

Restraining orders are most effective on the reasonable person who has limited emotional investment. In other words, they work best on the person least likely to be violent anyway. Also, there is a substantial difference between using a restraining order on an abusive husband and using one on a man you dated a couple of times. That difference is the amount of emotional investment and entitlement the man feels. With a date-stalker, a TRO orders him to leave the woman alone and go about his life as it was before he met her. The same court order used on an estranged husband asks him to abandon, at the stroke of a judge's signature, the central features of his life: his intimate relationship, his control and ownership of another human being, his identity as a powerful man, his identity as a husband, and on and on. Thus, a TRO might ask one man to do something he can easily do, while it asks another to do something far more difficult. This distinction has been largely ignored by the criminal justice system.
posted by maudlin at 7:30 AM on February 25 [1 favorite]

Are you confident that he doesn't know you have a MeFi account? It may be better to anonymize this question just in case.
posted by nasreddin at 7:39 AM on February 25

I understand your anger. How dare he. I get that. And you can definitely go the restraining order route if you are afraid he will hurt you. But do not engage him directly anymore. You work at the same place--does that mean you actually have to interact with him or can you avoid him?

My personal opinion would be to forget about the phone--doing anything will only engage him further. Do not answer his calls (even better, change your phone number), or the door, or email or letters. Do not tell friends to tell him anything, and do not let mututal friends give you messages from him.

I know very well how angry you are. But trying to keep him emgaged most likely will not work and will be worse for you in the long run.
posted by Pax at 8:58 AM on February 25

Start taking tae kwon do and a self defense class, if you have the time. Generally, if you prove that you are able to fight back and win should the need occur, that will increase your confidence and decrease his. Remember, any object can be used as a weapon. As someone who is both a neuroscience student AND holds a black belt in tae kwon do, I can tell you that simply making him aware that if he DOES assault you you are able to defend yourself will chip away at his perception of his ability to overpower you. Try to avoid a physical confrontation at all costs, but you need backup.

Otherwise, get a restraining order, tell a frien, get a phone.
posted by kldickson at 9:00 AM on February 25

Trying to get him to pay for the phone will just keep the entanglement going. I've been there, done that, and it was in no way worth it--constantly angry, constantly having to pester him to pay me what he owed me, constantly hearing his excuses, etc. etc.

It's not fair, but it's simplest to walk away. Refuse all contact. Change the locks. Get a new phone and new phone number. If he has left any stuff at your apartment, leave a message with him that you'll be putting it at the curb and do so.

If you can trust your boss to be silent, mention the situation so you're never assigned to work with him. It doesn't matter if you work well together. You need to sever all contact and get on with life.
posted by PatoPata at 9:42 AM on February 25

Depending on how much you like your job, and how hard it would be to get another job, I would consider changing jobs if it's no big deal. This guy sounds like a huge risk to be a stalker and you really need to put distance between you if you can. Short of that, tell your boss and take any means necessary to avoid him at work. Make sure that anything that he has access to at work couldn't be used to track you or find personal info on you (like is there an employee directory? Ask to be taken off and don't give your new phone #.)

Change the locks on your apartment if you can, and of course don't tell him your new phone number.
posted by slow graffiti at 9:53 AM on February 25

Nthing what others have said about the phone; I've seen people in exactly, and I mean exactly, this situation up to and including the cell phone angle. And the cell phone became nothing more than a way to keep interacting with a crazy abusive SO.

Forget the cell phone. If you can't, consider therapy because it likely isn't about the cell phone but rather an ability for you to seperate yourself from an abusive SO.
posted by Justinian at 9:53 AM on February 25

I know it’s small potatoes and an unreasonable fight but this situation feels like the last straw in a long line of personal invasions. What can I do?

Well, you break up with him. This guy had his hands around your throat, the neighbors called the police, and you are worried about the phone? Worry about staying safe, and buy a new phone. Continued involvement with him is not worth the price of the phone.

I've talked to a few close friends. They've told me to ignore it.
Ignore what, the cost of the phone or that your ex violently attacked you? Yeah, ignore the cost of the phone, your life is worth a lot more.

Please tell me that there is something, anything I can do to gain some sort of control of this situation.
Controlling whether he pays for the phone won't do anything for controlling his violence. Don't let him in again. Don't open the door when you don't know who is there. Buy a new phone so you can call the police if you need to.
posted by yohko at 10:29 AM on February 25

Move. Have your mail forwarded to a p.o. box.

Use a different name for awhile.

Change jobs asap.

If you are really scared, then don't take half measures. Men in this situation can be very violent.
posted by ewkpates at 10:41 AM on February 25

I would advise against taking either a definite yes or no position on owning a gun.

The notion that a gun is always a bad option because it can be taken away is absurd. We'd have to start taking them away from the police and military as well. In fact, police officers, due to the unique nature of their jobs, are in quite a bit of danger from their own sidearms. Far more than civilians. But they still carry because the benefit still outweighs the risk. Statistically, this is a very, VERY rare outcome when civilians defend themselves with firearms.

But having the gun taken away IS a danger if you're not 100% willing to use it in self-defense, and that's where the danger lies. If you're not willing to actually kill your boyfriend, then it's not a good option. Buying a gun in the hopes that it will simply scare off an aggressor is irresponsible, even though that's how the vast majority of defensive gun uses play out.

So this is where your own personal soul-searching is required. If you're not willing to kill the moment it becomes necessary, don't introduce a lethal weapon. Focus on fighting as viciously and as dirty as you can with your natural bodily weapons, and invest in something less-than-lethal. But be prepared for pepper spray or tasers to fail. They're not magic wands.
posted by Doctor Suarez at 10:41 AM on February 25

Please do not try to rely on tae kwon do. It's an enjoyable activity, but its lack of live sparring against fully resisting opponents and lack of ground techniques and clinch range (anything inside kicking distance) techniques will get you killed in a real no-rules fight.

Common sense precautions like staying away from him and keeping some easily accessible mace or pepper spray will go much further in keeping you safe.
posted by ignignokt at 10:52 AM on February 25 [1 favorite]

Change your phone NUMBER.
Make sure friends and co-workers know not to give it out to anyone without your permission.
posted by meeshell at 11:59 AM on February 25

Call the police and then do what they recommend. Period.
posted by konolia at 3:15 PM on February 25

"We’ve had other violent interactions while together, in which the police were called by neighbors. He has had his hands around my throat and pushed me down. We are no longer together.

Last night, my then significant other and I got into a petty disagreement, which escalated into a point of no return. ..."

So, if I read this correctly, the guy you've just broken up with has been violent with you in the past, and the police have been called? Or is this another guy?

Regardless: first off - get yourself some counseling. No one leaves a violent relationship unscathed.

I also recommend that you cease ANY contact with the guy. I'm going to side with the folks that tell you to forget the phone. It's not worth having continued contact with the guy. I would also contact your work, explain the situation, and request that you NOT work with your ex under an circumstances. You are going to have to accept the fact that you will likely need to leave your job.

Your life is worth more than a few items.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 5:56 PM on February 25

I wish I could favorite ignignokt's comment 10 more times. It takes a long time to really learn to fight. I've trained jiu-jitsu for 7 years, and have some experience in other martial arts; I'm certainly better able to defend myself than before I started, but the most important thing I've learned is that there is still a ton of stuff I don't know. Fighting is a last resort.

Look, talk to an expert, or at least read what one wrote. I always recommend Gavin DeBecker's The Gift of Fear, which has been mentioned above. Learn some self defense if you really want to, but understand that it is the last and I mean THE LAST resort. Gavin DeBecker's book has concrete things to do that should be millions of times more effective than Tae Kwon Do.
posted by HighTechUnderpants at 6:52 PM on February 25

Don't get a gun unless you're also going to get training on how to use it, when to use it, and how to keep others from taking it and using it against you (retention).

Gun ownership and training should also be part of a larger self defense training program that includes awareness, avoidance, deescalation, pepper spray (less risky than mace), and unarmed self defense (the focus of the latter being on something useful like how to break out of a hold and run away really fast, not fancy martial arts moves).
posted by Jacqueline at 11:44 PM on February 25