Stressed, only one week into term.
January 14, 2008 5:37 PM Subscribe
I burst into tears in front of a professor today. I need to learn how to relax. Please help.
This question was spurred on by two things: my friends agreeing that I never relax, and me bursting into tears in front of a prof today. It's exactly one week into term, and last term I wasn't anything like this.
I have high standards for myself. This is especially true academically, as I'm short on money, high on scholarships, and low on any desire to go into debt before I get to grad school. I've managed to keep the scholarships, even though I'm in the second semester of second year and should have statistically lost it three times over by now. These scholarships have high GPA requirements to keep (A average, or around 90% -- apparently, this is somewhere around a 4.0 in US college terms??). Because of a lot of program switches on my part, and the fact that my scholarships have an 'end date,' after which further renewal isn't possible, I need to take 6 classes a semester, when the normal amount is 5. I work only an average of 10 hours a week for the first month of each term (regularly scheduled university-related temp job; it works out to around 5 days a week for the first two weeks, then a sharp drop in shifts). The job's only for the first month, so it's really fine. Plus, it's fun, and a great environment.
Because of slightly overbearing parents, I have a curfew so tight that it's almost impossible to be with friends after dark--which is usually the only time they are free. Same goes with university clubs/social groups/etc. This usually means that I spend about 1.5 to 3 hours a week with (or talking to) friends, if I see any at all. I'm mostly fine with this, although I wish I could spend more time hanging out, or on my hobbies (mainly photography, but I'm barely allowed to leave the house with the camera for risk of damage/theft/etc).
I also feel that I'm socially awkward, so I have to admit that I DO get really tense in social situations. This means that even if I'm out with friends, unless it's with a group I know well, I don't relax.
Also, my upper back is apparently as tight as a vice. My friends use this as proof that I never relax; I use it as proof that I have big boobs and heavy backpacks and simply don't sit straight (cause, well, it hurts to, and no AskMe is complete without a self-reinforcing behaviour pattern... or, in my case, five). Plus, my job is essentially lifting and carrying textbooks, which doesn't help. Damn you, organic chemistry books with molecule kits.
What I don't get is why this is happening now. Nothing has changed since last term, except that I may get to see friends for an extra hour and a half per week this term because of a lucky scheduling combination, and that my sister is really stressed out about her long list of work.
I just feel all overwhelmed (new!) and lonely (not at all new) and such, which is stressing me out and preventing me from relaxing (maybe new), making me into an emotional wreck (new!).
Do you have any suggestions?
This question was spurred on by two things: my friends agreeing that I never relax, and me bursting into tears in front of a prof today. It's exactly one week into term, and last term I wasn't anything like this.
I have high standards for myself. This is especially true academically, as I'm short on money, high on scholarships, and low on any desire to go into debt before I get to grad school. I've managed to keep the scholarships, even though I'm in the second semester of second year and should have statistically lost it three times over by now. These scholarships have high GPA requirements to keep (A average, or around 90% -- apparently, this is somewhere around a 4.0 in US college terms??). Because of a lot of program switches on my part, and the fact that my scholarships have an 'end date,' after which further renewal isn't possible, I need to take 6 classes a semester, when the normal amount is 5. I work only an average of 10 hours a week for the first month of each term (regularly scheduled university-related temp job; it works out to around 5 days a week for the first two weeks, then a sharp drop in shifts). The job's only for the first month, so it's really fine. Plus, it's fun, and a great environment.
Because of slightly overbearing parents, I have a curfew so tight that it's almost impossible to be with friends after dark--which is usually the only time they are free. Same goes with university clubs/social groups/etc. This usually means that I spend about 1.5 to 3 hours a week with (or talking to) friends, if I see any at all. I'm mostly fine with this, although I wish I could spend more time hanging out, or on my hobbies (mainly photography, but I'm barely allowed to leave the house with the camera for risk of damage/theft/etc).
I also feel that I'm socially awkward, so I have to admit that I DO get really tense in social situations. This means that even if I'm out with friends, unless it's with a group I know well, I don't relax.
Also, my upper back is apparently as tight as a vice. My friends use this as proof that I never relax; I use it as proof that I have big boobs and heavy backpacks and simply don't sit straight (cause, well, it hurts to, and no AskMe is complete without a self-reinforcing behaviour pattern... or, in my case, five). Plus, my job is essentially lifting and carrying textbooks, which doesn't help. Damn you, organic chemistry books with molecule kits.
What I don't get is why this is happening now. Nothing has changed since last term, except that I may get to see friends for an extra hour and a half per week this term because of a lucky scheduling combination, and that my sister is really stressed out about her long list of work.
I just feel all overwhelmed (new!) and lonely (not at all new) and such, which is stressing me out and preventing me from relaxing (maybe new), making me into an emotional wreck (new!).
Do you have any suggestions?
If you must take more than a full load to earn the maximum from your scholarships, why do you have to work at the same time? Perhaps you can arrange something with your parents so you don't have to juggle so many responsibilities. I assume you're living with them, since you have a curfew, and not paying rent, SINCE THEY GIVE YOU A CURFEW (a decent trade off for rent... otherwise I would have to shout about that), could they cover your necessities and give you some small allowance while you're still dependent on them? I know to you that may sound un-grown-up, but if you propose a budget to them that will work for you, develop your money managing ability, and which they can afford, the money matter will be off your plate.
Further, you should at least ask for looser social allowance. Perhaps if they meet your friends before you abscond with them, and you give them assurances of your intent to be safe, they will allow you to come home at a later time.
Most of all, you need to ask yourself what you want. There's no reason, as far as I am concerned, to endure this kind of stress. Once you live under too much stress for a while, even when it's alleviated, you may continue to feel anxiety, and it's just not worth it. Taking longer to earn a degree or taking on a manageable amount of debt are, in my opinion, excellent trade-offs for day-to-day contentment and peace of mind,
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 5:51 PM on January 14, 2008
Further, you should at least ask for looser social allowance. Perhaps if they meet your friends before you abscond with them, and you give them assurances of your intent to be safe, they will allow you to come home at a later time.
Most of all, you need to ask yourself what you want. There's no reason, as far as I am concerned, to endure this kind of stress. Once you live under too much stress for a while, even when it's alleviated, you may continue to feel anxiety, and it's just not worth it. Taking longer to earn a degree or taking on a manageable amount of debt are, in my opinion, excellent trade-offs for day-to-day contentment and peace of mind,
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 5:51 PM on January 14, 2008
Meditation is the most wonderful thing. It's like morphine for the mind. A simple 20 minute session has an after-affect that beats most Class A drugs.
Sit in a comfortable, quiet place, I usually sit cross legged on my sofa, close your eyes and focus on your breathing. I usually count 1...2...3...4 on the breath in and again 1...2...3...4 o the breath out. Thoughts and distractions will come and go as your mind quietens down, but let them pass without pursuing them and focus on your breathing again.
Usually after ten minutes or so I find myself deeply peaceful and in a very good mental place. Sometimes there are physical sensations, tingling, small head rushes etc. These can be fun and can be ascribed to chakras opening. But don't worry about that either!
I usually set a timer on my phone to ring quietly after 20 minutes, open my eyes, stretch and enjoy the following hour long walking on air feeling. Generally the relaxation lasts longer though and with daily practice can lead to vastly reduced stress levels for the duration of your waking day. You will also find benefit in quick 2 or 3 minute meditations before potentially stressful events like your tutor meeting or social events.
I used this For Dummies book as an excellent starting point in my practice.
The tough part is simply making time to do it. 20 minutes of doing nothing can often be the hardest thing you can do but make the effort, it's worth it.
posted by brautigan at 5:55 PM on January 14, 2008
Sit in a comfortable, quiet place, I usually sit cross legged on my sofa, close your eyes and focus on your breathing. I usually count 1...2...3...4 on the breath in and again 1...2...3...4 o the breath out. Thoughts and distractions will come and go as your mind quietens down, but let them pass without pursuing them and focus on your breathing again.
Usually after ten minutes or so I find myself deeply peaceful and in a very good mental place. Sometimes there are physical sensations, tingling, small head rushes etc. These can be fun and can be ascribed to chakras opening. But don't worry about that either!
I usually set a timer on my phone to ring quietly after 20 minutes, open my eyes, stretch and enjoy the following hour long walking on air feeling. Generally the relaxation lasts longer though and with daily practice can lead to vastly reduced stress levels for the duration of your waking day. You will also find benefit in quick 2 or 3 minute meditations before potentially stressful events like your tutor meeting or social events.
I used this For Dummies book as an excellent starting point in my practice.
The tough part is simply making time to do it. 20 minutes of doing nothing can often be the hardest thing you can do but make the effort, it's worth it.
posted by brautigan at 5:55 PM on January 14, 2008
i'm not a doctor, but i am a canadian. are you perhaps feeling a touch of the seasonal affect disorder? try sleeping with the curtains open so you get sun in the morning, stare into bright lights when you wake up, go outside a few times when it's sunny, and add some extra workouts, healthy food, and more caffeine to your diet. join the gym, then tell your parents you've joined the gym, and then go there about *half* the time you say you're going there- the other half, go for a photography walk, or go get some social contact with pals. coffee dates are great- short, easy to schedule, and they let you double-team the socializing and the caffeine, so they're perfect.
and wean your parents of this overbearing thing, it's not healthy. you're a grownup, you can go out after school if you want. slowly push at their rules til they see that. (speaking as someone who grew up with REALLY strict parents, it's a pain in the ass to do this, but well worth it in the long run.) next year, consider living on res or in a shared house- it's an important part of growing up!
oh, and allow yourself to accumulate some debt. a few grand a year to live away from home. you're gonna be delightfully overeducated at the end of all this, you'll be able to pay it back.
posted by twistofrhyme at 5:56 PM on January 14, 2008
and wean your parents of this overbearing thing, it's not healthy. you're a grownup, you can go out after school if you want. slowly push at their rules til they see that. (speaking as someone who grew up with REALLY strict parents, it's a pain in the ass to do this, but well worth it in the long run.) next year, consider living on res or in a shared house- it's an important part of growing up!
oh, and allow yourself to accumulate some debt. a few grand a year to live away from home. you're gonna be delightfully overeducated at the end of all this, you'll be able to pay it back.
posted by twistofrhyme at 5:56 PM on January 14, 2008
See an acupuncturist. That's the one thing that really relieves my stress. After I go to acupuncture, my mind is able to operate at a more measured pace.
Many people feel overwhelmed while they're students. There are scores of AskMe threads posted by stressed out, hanging-on-by-a-thread students asking how to relax, get a grip, and deal with anxiety and feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy. Everything will be OK. Being a full time student is weird because it's your whole life and identity. You have tangible proof of your standing amongst your peers (i.e. your grades), and being constantly evaluated can be used to feed your paranoia and insecurity. School is a weird environment...if you allow it to be.
But university can be a wonderful environment, too. You need to take advantage of all the great things your school offers. But there are two things you might consider:
1. Have a conversation with your parents about loosening up on the curfew. You're an adult, you're responsible, you're smart. They're stifling your growth, and it's a parent's job to help their children grow as much as possible. That's the only way you can eventually become independent.
2. If your university offers mental health services, you should take advantage. Talk with a counselor, psychologist, or the like.
Best of luck to you.
posted by HotPatatta at 5:57 PM on January 14, 2008
Many people feel overwhelmed while they're students. There are scores of AskMe threads posted by stressed out, hanging-on-by-a-thread students asking how to relax, get a grip, and deal with anxiety and feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy. Everything will be OK. Being a full time student is weird because it's your whole life and identity. You have tangible proof of your standing amongst your peers (i.e. your grades), and being constantly evaluated can be used to feed your paranoia and insecurity. School is a weird environment...if you allow it to be.
But university can be a wonderful environment, too. You need to take advantage of all the great things your school offers. But there are two things you might consider:
1. Have a conversation with your parents about loosening up on the curfew. You're an adult, you're responsible, you're smart. They're stifling your growth, and it's a parent's job to help their children grow as much as possible. That's the only way you can eventually become independent.
2. If your university offers mental health services, you should take advantage. Talk with a counselor, psychologist, or the like.
Best of luck to you.
posted by HotPatatta at 5:57 PM on January 14, 2008
I'd also throw in getting some exercise in. As little as a 20 minute run to get the endorphins flowing is also a huge stress release.
And get someone to massage that back good and proper once a week!
posted by brautigan at 5:57 PM on January 14, 2008
And get someone to massage that back good and proper once a week!
posted by brautigan at 5:57 PM on January 14, 2008
Scrunch up your face as much as you possibly can. Then consciously relax every muscle in your face, then keep relaxing your entire body. It's like quick self-hypnosis; when I do this it seems like I can actually feel my brain relaxing.
posted by mullingitover at 6:15 PM on January 14, 2008
posted by mullingitover at 6:15 PM on January 14, 2008
exercise is a great release. so is a hot bath, yoga, or even just a long walk. does your college have a gym you can use?
obviously, you know your parents and i don't, but you should tell your parents you're under a huge amount of time pressure, and you might be a bit less stressed if you didn't feel like you had to cram all your shared study time into the hours before sunset. that might help them loosen up a bit.
posted by thinkingwoman at 6:36 PM on January 14, 2008
obviously, you know your parents and i don't, but you should tell your parents you're under a huge amount of time pressure, and you might be a bit less stressed if you didn't feel like you had to cram all your shared study time into the hours before sunset. that might help them loosen up a bit.
posted by thinkingwoman at 6:36 PM on January 14, 2008
What I don't get is why this is happening now. Nothing has changed since last term, except that I may get to see friends for an extra hour and a half per week this term because of a lucky scheduling combination, and that my sister is really stressed out about her long list of work.
The human body can really only keep itself going while stressed for a finite period of time. It sounds like you have reached your limit.
You know this already, but taking 6 courses per semester is way over the limit of what most students can handle. You may be able to handle it, but it sounds like it is affecting your mental health. Whenever I talk to a student who is having trouble and it turns out they're taking too many courses, I recommend that they drop one or two. They usually say that they CAN'T, it's IMPOSSIBLE, but I warn them that if they continue the way they're going, the consequences of taking on too much (failing one or more courses, having a nervous breakdown) will most likely be worse than the consequences of dropping a course. I understand that you have to meet certain requirements for your scholarships, but ask yourself what the real consequence would be if you cut back to five courses per semester. If it means taking slightly longer to do your degree, or having to take a semester off to work full-time to pay for tuition, or borrowing money to pay for that last semester, is that better or worse than continuing to feel the way you're feeling now--and likely, increasingly more anxious and overwhelmed?
And yes, I agree with everyone above who mentioned that your parents are unreasonably strict with you considering your age and your level of responsibility. They are not helping your stress level. Bring this up with them and see if there is anything they are willing to do to reduce your stress, not add to it.
I would highly recommend that you access the free counselling at your university. They can be very helpful and can recommend concrete ways to help you.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 6:39 PM on January 14, 2008
The human body can really only keep itself going while stressed for a finite period of time. It sounds like you have reached your limit.
You know this already, but taking 6 courses per semester is way over the limit of what most students can handle. You may be able to handle it, but it sounds like it is affecting your mental health. Whenever I talk to a student who is having trouble and it turns out they're taking too many courses, I recommend that they drop one or two. They usually say that they CAN'T, it's IMPOSSIBLE, but I warn them that if they continue the way they're going, the consequences of taking on too much (failing one or more courses, having a nervous breakdown) will most likely be worse than the consequences of dropping a course. I understand that you have to meet certain requirements for your scholarships, but ask yourself what the real consequence would be if you cut back to five courses per semester. If it means taking slightly longer to do your degree, or having to take a semester off to work full-time to pay for tuition, or borrowing money to pay for that last semester, is that better or worse than continuing to feel the way you're feeling now--and likely, increasingly more anxious and overwhelmed?
And yes, I agree with everyone above who mentioned that your parents are unreasonably strict with you considering your age and your level of responsibility. They are not helping your stress level. Bring this up with them and see if there is anything they are willing to do to reduce your stress, not add to it.
I would highly recommend that you access the free counselling at your university. They can be very helpful and can recommend concrete ways to help you.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 6:39 PM on January 14, 2008
I'd just like to mention, first of all, - we professors have *all* had students burst into tears. We won't think you're weird, we won't castigate you all term. In my case, it makes me doublecheck that my expectations are reasonable. And goodness knows *I* cried in front of professors when I was a student.
Also, beginning of term is *really*stressful.* You say nothing has changed, but you have new professors, new classmates, a new schedule, new books, and your expectations haven't moderated yet - you still want to have 100% on every exam, and you haven't gotten to the finals triage where you say "Ahh, if I skip review of this chapter, I can still pass with a 92 instead of a 95!"
Your professors wouldn't put you through the schoolwork if they didn't know you could do it. They know you can do it, because they've had hundreds of other students do it.
Have you checked your physical factors - where are your hormones, are you getting enough sleep, are you keeping your blood sugar up?
My advice to you - hold on, make it through this week, and get what sleep you can. You've already done this three times over, right? So you know you can do this.
For minimizing that killer course load - Can you look at summer classes? Can you get some of your nonmajor classes done perhaps at a cheaper college? Quite a lot of four year students come back to the local community colleges to knock off a course or two during the summer. Can you take some courses distance learning or correspondence courses over the summer? Does your school offer intensive winter course or May course terms, where you take one class for a month and get three credits? What about rolling enrollments, that would allow you to be more flexible on *when* the course runs? Even some labs run distance learning now.
Do all six courses have to be top of the line? Say you need to fill a sociology requirement. Do you have to take Sociology 400, or can you get away with Sociology 101? Maybe you just need that many credits. Can you take Psychology instead of Neurobiology? It might be pushing it for add/drop, so look at that sooner than later.
OK, as far the heavy textbooks and the backache go. In my school, almost all of our books are available in an online format if you know where to look. What I've started doing is putting the books on my laptop - only one five pound thing to lug around instead of 5 5 pound things. Is there an online component? Talk to your professors. They might know where the books are online, they might be able to send you powerpoints. Sometimes you can buy an online version instead of a hardback, for future reference. Make flashcards or type up your notes, carry that around instead for reviews. I've heard law students cut the bindings off and put the pages in binders so they only have to bring the relevant chapter to lecture. Do you really, really need your book in lecture? If you're on campus and need to look something up, can you use another library book, borrow a classmate's book, or just look at google?
Can you combine the hobbies with other things? Can you ask your professors if you'd mind if you photographed the glassware and the reactions? School is safe, right, and it's full of interesting shapes and light and colors. You'd be surprised how many science professors have an artistic bent. We might even want your photos for wall art.
As far as being stressed at social events - read up on being an introvert. Could it be that you have some magic number of hours per week that you're think you're supposed to be around your friends, but that what you personally need is much smaller? Could it be that a few hours a week alone would allow you to recharge more than friend time?
Another possibility is to form study groups. Study groups aren't supposed to be truly social if done right, but they still help with the support and stress. Your school may offer facilitated study groups, or you can just start asking the people around you in class. I'll bet most of them are stressed out and overwhelmed, too.
School is stressful. Everyone knows it's stressful, and everyone is rooting for you. You will get done, and you will wind up OK. To some extent, this is overpreparing you for the real world, if only because nothing since has both lasted so long and been so hard. Every time you get stressed out, you'll be able to say to yourself, "Well, it's not as bad as that semester I took six courses!" It will get easier, because you'll learn the strategies and the shortcuts and you'll learn what your body needs. By the time you're a senior, sophomores will be in awe of your savior-faire.
posted by arabelladragon at 6:39 PM on January 14, 2008 [2 favorites]
Also, beginning of term is *really*stressful.* You say nothing has changed, but you have new professors, new classmates, a new schedule, new books, and your expectations haven't moderated yet - you still want to have 100% on every exam, and you haven't gotten to the finals triage where you say "Ahh, if I skip review of this chapter, I can still pass with a 92 instead of a 95!"
Your professors wouldn't put you through the schoolwork if they didn't know you could do it. They know you can do it, because they've had hundreds of other students do it.
Have you checked your physical factors - where are your hormones, are you getting enough sleep, are you keeping your blood sugar up?
My advice to you - hold on, make it through this week, and get what sleep you can. You've already done this three times over, right? So you know you can do this.
For minimizing that killer course load - Can you look at summer classes? Can you get some of your nonmajor classes done perhaps at a cheaper college? Quite a lot of four year students come back to the local community colleges to knock off a course or two during the summer. Can you take some courses distance learning or correspondence courses over the summer? Does your school offer intensive winter course or May course terms, where you take one class for a month and get three credits? What about rolling enrollments, that would allow you to be more flexible on *when* the course runs? Even some labs run distance learning now.
Do all six courses have to be top of the line? Say you need to fill a sociology requirement. Do you have to take Sociology 400, or can you get away with Sociology 101? Maybe you just need that many credits. Can you take Psychology instead of Neurobiology? It might be pushing it for add/drop, so look at that sooner than later.
OK, as far the heavy textbooks and the backache go. In my school, almost all of our books are available in an online format if you know where to look. What I've started doing is putting the books on my laptop - only one five pound thing to lug around instead of 5 5 pound things. Is there an online component? Talk to your professors. They might know where the books are online, they might be able to send you powerpoints. Sometimes you can buy an online version instead of a hardback, for future reference. Make flashcards or type up your notes, carry that around instead for reviews. I've heard law students cut the bindings off and put the pages in binders so they only have to bring the relevant chapter to lecture. Do you really, really need your book in lecture? If you're on campus and need to look something up, can you use another library book, borrow a classmate's book, or just look at google?
Can you combine the hobbies with other things? Can you ask your professors if you'd mind if you photographed the glassware and the reactions? School is safe, right, and it's full of interesting shapes and light and colors. You'd be surprised how many science professors have an artistic bent. We might even want your photos for wall art.
As far as being stressed at social events - read up on being an introvert. Could it be that you have some magic number of hours per week that you're think you're supposed to be around your friends, but that what you personally need is much smaller? Could it be that a few hours a week alone would allow you to recharge more than friend time?
Another possibility is to form study groups. Study groups aren't supposed to be truly social if done right, but they still help with the support and stress. Your school may offer facilitated study groups, or you can just start asking the people around you in class. I'll bet most of them are stressed out and overwhelmed, too.
School is stressful. Everyone knows it's stressful, and everyone is rooting for you. You will get done, and you will wind up OK. To some extent, this is overpreparing you for the real world, if only because nothing since has both lasted so long and been so hard. Every time you get stressed out, you'll be able to say to yourself, "Well, it's not as bad as that semester I took six courses!" It will get easier, because you'll learn the strategies and the shortcuts and you'll learn what your body needs. By the time you're a senior, sophomores will be in awe of your savior-faire.
posted by arabelladragon at 6:39 PM on January 14, 2008 [2 favorites]
Spend thirty seconds every morning pulling absolutely grotesque faces in the bathroom mirror - the kind of faces your parents undoubtedly gave you the wind change warning about.
If this makes you laugh, so much the better. But it will at least help you take the day less seriously.
posted by flabdablet at 6:47 PM on January 14, 2008
If this makes you laugh, so much the better. But it will at least help you take the day less seriously.
posted by flabdablet at 6:47 PM on January 14, 2008
Are you a writing-oriented person? Even if you're not, writing stuff down (even if it's free-form rubbish, it really only needs to be coherent to you) gets it out of your head and onto the page.
There's been some research into this sort of thing (which unfortunately I can't get my hands on right at the moment) that suggests that people who spend 15 mins a day writing (and I know you already have a busy schedule!) generally find it easier to navigate stressful or difficult periods.
posted by prettypretty at 6:49 PM on January 14, 2008
There's been some research into this sort of thing (which unfortunately I can't get my hands on right at the moment) that suggests that people who spend 15 mins a day writing (and I know you already have a busy schedule!) generally find it easier to navigate stressful or difficult periods.
posted by prettypretty at 6:49 PM on January 14, 2008
Why do you have a curfew at all when you are in college? Are you under 18? If not, you might consider asking a counselor or psychologist at your school to assure your parents that legal adults do not need curfews and that if you are able to carry the load you are carrying in school, plus working, you have surely proven yourself to be a responsible person anyway.
People don't have curfews in college-- maybe if they are 16 year olds going early, but other than that, I have to say, even in this age of helicopter parents, I've never heard of it.
posted by Maias at 6:50 PM on January 14, 2008 [3 favorites]
Oh honey. I feel for you. I absolutely exploded last year due to university stress, and compared to you I have it easy.
re: parents - my parents are overbearing too, though not to the point of curfew (they are overbearing in other ways though). The only way to cope with this is to place your sanity first, even if it means disobeying them. Parents don't always know best. Often the consequences aren't as bad as we imagined. If you absolutely need a night out, take a night out.
I also suggest talking with your course coordinator (or whoever fills that role) in university to sort out your situation. Sometimes it's not as bad as you think. I have a scholarship that is dependent on high grades; I absolutely BOMBED (nearly failed EVERYTHING) last semester but since my overall GPA was still reasonably high, I still have it. I hope. Surely if you keep is reasonably high (and i don't think that's necessarily an A) you should be OK.
Oh, if you find any sort of relaxing mechanism that works, let me know. I can't relax either.
posted by divabat at 7:07 PM on January 14, 2008
re: parents - my parents are overbearing too, though not to the point of curfew (they are overbearing in other ways though). The only way to cope with this is to place your sanity first, even if it means disobeying them. Parents don't always know best. Often the consequences aren't as bad as we imagined. If you absolutely need a night out, take a night out.
I also suggest talking with your course coordinator (or whoever fills that role) in university to sort out your situation. Sometimes it's not as bad as you think. I have a scholarship that is dependent on high grades; I absolutely BOMBED (nearly failed EVERYTHING) last semester but since my overall GPA was still reasonably high, I still have it. I hope. Surely if you keep is reasonably high (and i don't think that's necessarily an A) you should be OK.
Oh, if you find any sort of relaxing mechanism that works, let me know. I can't relax either.
posted by divabat at 7:07 PM on January 14, 2008
For the heavy backpack, I suggest replacing it with a rolling backpack. It's worked wonders for her with all the heavy textbooks she has to carry.
posted by ShooBoo at 7:41 PM on January 14, 2008
posted by ShooBoo at 7:41 PM on January 14, 2008
I think the one thing I've learned after my undergrad is that you have to make time for yourself, no matter how busy you are. Otherwise, you'll get burned out really fast. Those things for yourself do not have to be very time consuming. For me, it's watching anime/tv for 20-40 minutes while eating meals, reading things online, reading a book while waiting in line or on the bus, or listening to music. Even if it's something small, it gives you something to look forward to. Take pleasure in the little things, and the stressful things will not seem quite so bad.
The way I think of it is that those 20 minutes a day make me much more productive (in terms of studying or doing homework) than I would be otherwise, so it's well worth the time spent.
Why is it happening now? Maybe you haven't recovered fully from last term. Think of your energy as a gas tank that's was empty after last term, and you've only filled it up to the one-quarter mark since then.
As for your back, my mom taught me an exercise to relax my back: hold your hands in front of you and clasp them together, then turn them so that your palms are facing away from you. Lift your arms above your head and behind your back as far as you can while keeping your hands together. Let go when it gets uncomfortable, and bring your hands back to the front in an arc. It always makes a few joints pop, but my back feels better afterwards.
With respect to friends, I find that social support is very important. When I feel lonely, I can't get the motivation to work. If you can't hang out with your friends, can you maybe call them or chat online?
Also, are you getting enough sleep? I find that I'm much more prone to being depressed/moody/stressed when I'm sleep deprived. It might not be possible for you to get more sleep than you are now, but it's worth throwing out there as a possible cause.
Good luck!
posted by jasminerain at 8:14 PM on January 14, 2008
The way I think of it is that those 20 minutes a day make me much more productive (in terms of studying or doing homework) than I would be otherwise, so it's well worth the time spent.
Why is it happening now? Maybe you haven't recovered fully from last term. Think of your energy as a gas tank that's was empty after last term, and you've only filled it up to the one-quarter mark since then.
As for your back, my mom taught me an exercise to relax my back: hold your hands in front of you and clasp them together, then turn them so that your palms are facing away from you. Lift your arms above your head and behind your back as far as you can while keeping your hands together. Let go when it gets uncomfortable, and bring your hands back to the front in an arc. It always makes a few joints pop, but my back feels better afterwards.
With respect to friends, I find that social support is very important. When I feel lonely, I can't get the motivation to work. If you can't hang out with your friends, can you maybe call them or chat online?
Also, are you getting enough sleep? I find that I'm much more prone to being depressed/moody/stressed when I'm sleep deprived. It might not be possible for you to get more sleep than you are now, but it's worth throwing out there as a possible cause.
Good luck!
posted by jasminerain at 8:14 PM on January 14, 2008
If you can't be out after dark, then your parents aren't slightly overbearing. They're entirely unreasonable. If you're in college, then you're an adult. I think it's fair for parents to have some rules as to when adult children who live at home *come* home so they aren't up all night worrying, but it's not fair or healthy to disallow any kind of nighttime social life. Maybe you know this, and maybe this is part of why you're starting to tense up in a way you didn't before.
posted by moxiedoll at 9:10 PM on January 14, 2008
posted by moxiedoll at 9:10 PM on January 14, 2008
Do you have any General Education credits left in your academic plan? I took yoga for 2 semesters as an undergrad and I found it incredibly valuable to release stress. You need 6 classes, can one of them be a physical or mental safety valve?
Also, do you have any group work? Perhaps you can schedule that for after your normal curfew which would extend your day a bit. Your parents might not object to classwork that's done after curfew.
posted by 26.2 at 9:19 PM on January 14, 2008
Also, do you have any group work? Perhaps you can schedule that for after your normal curfew which would extend your day a bit. Your parents might not object to classwork that's done after curfew.
posted by 26.2 at 9:19 PM on January 14, 2008
I wish I could spend more time hanging out, or on my hobbies (mainly photography, but I'm barely allowed to leave the house with the camera for risk of damage/theft/etc).
First question: Why are you not allowed to leave the house with the camera? Is it your parents that say this? Whose camera is it? If it belongs to them, that's one thing. If it belongs to you that's another thing entirely. Either way, get your own camera and use it, despite worries of disappearances.
I'll tell you what I'm hearing, it's that your parents are more than slightly overbearing. If you would like to spend more time hanging out, then that is precisely what you should do. If you love photography, then you should get out and take some pictures. An education is very important, but not at the risk of your mental state. Everyone needs relaxing moments and it's very clear that you need it especially.
I don't know your present medical condition, but St. John's Wort is a great alternative to anti-depressants. It's not a chemical by any means, but something you might be interested in checking into.
Also, get a physical. Sometimes there might just be an underlying cause for stress, though most of the time it's just stress plain and simple. You should still get a physical to rule out any other issues that might be there. Have some blood work done, and so forth just to be sure.
If all of that checks out, then it's time to sit down and have a talk with your parents. It sounds like they're very involved with your education (a good thing), but you're old enough to make your own decisions about things too. If the talk doesn't work, then perhaps they might listen to a counselor. Either way, you need to make it clear to them that you need this time and you need to set limits with them too. Yep, even parents need limits sometimes.
We parents have a rough time accepting when our kids grow up. I have an 18-year-old daughter and while she's living in my house and not paying rent, I still leave a lot up to her. I set rules, but time with her friends is something I let her decide on provided it's not unreasonable - like 2:00 a.m. or whatever. I'm no push over, but my job as a parent is to prepare her to live on her own in a responsible manner. Making her come home at an early hour is not really teaching her that at all. If nothing else, it would only pressure her in other ways, such as what you're going through.
I really wish you luck, but I think communicating, and perhaps putting your foot down, with your parents is probably a good idea.
posted by magnoliasouth at 10:21 PM on January 14, 2008 [1 favorite]
First question: Why are you not allowed to leave the house with the camera? Is it your parents that say this? Whose camera is it? If it belongs to them, that's one thing. If it belongs to you that's another thing entirely. Either way, get your own camera and use it, despite worries of disappearances.
I'll tell you what I'm hearing, it's that your parents are more than slightly overbearing. If you would like to spend more time hanging out, then that is precisely what you should do. If you love photography, then you should get out and take some pictures. An education is very important, but not at the risk of your mental state. Everyone needs relaxing moments and it's very clear that you need it especially.
I don't know your present medical condition, but St. John's Wort is a great alternative to anti-depressants. It's not a chemical by any means, but something you might be interested in checking into.
Also, get a physical. Sometimes there might just be an underlying cause for stress, though most of the time it's just stress plain and simple. You should still get a physical to rule out any other issues that might be there. Have some blood work done, and so forth just to be sure.
If all of that checks out, then it's time to sit down and have a talk with your parents. It sounds like they're very involved with your education (a good thing), but you're old enough to make your own decisions about things too. If the talk doesn't work, then perhaps they might listen to a counselor. Either way, you need to make it clear to them that you need this time and you need to set limits with them too. Yep, even parents need limits sometimes.
We parents have a rough time accepting when our kids grow up. I have an 18-year-old daughter and while she's living in my house and not paying rent, I still leave a lot up to her. I set rules, but time with her friends is something I let her decide on provided it's not unreasonable - like 2:00 a.m. or whatever. I'm no push over, but my job as a parent is to prepare her to live on her own in a responsible manner. Making her come home at an early hour is not really teaching her that at all. If nothing else, it would only pressure her in other ways, such as what you're going through.
I really wish you luck, but I think communicating, and perhaps putting your foot down, with your parents is probably a good idea.
posted by magnoliasouth at 10:21 PM on January 14, 2008 [1 favorite]
I have a curfew so tight that it's almost impossible to be with friends after dark... I'm barely allowed to leave the house with the camera for risk of damage/theft/etc... my sister is really stressed out about her long list of work
Not for nothing, but it seems like a lot of your stress is coming from your family. That's more than "slightly overbearing," it sounds overprotective to the point of nuttiness.
You've got every right to be stressed out -- heavy courseload, heavy workload, new term, high pressure for financial reasons -- I'd be bursting into tears, too, most likely. Only advice I can offer there is to remind you that it's temporary, it'll get easier, and you can get through it.
Maybe there's some way you can talk to your family and possibly get them to chill out a bit, though -- or at least not let their anxieties (about camera theft or your sister's "long list of work") bleed over into your life. If you're old enough to be in college, you're old enough to not have a strict curfew, and definitely old enough to take your own camera outside if you want to. Sorting that out with them may cause more stress and problems than it's worth, so you may want to set it aside and put up with the restrictions for now, which would be a perfectly valid choice -- but do realize those are their anxieties, not yours; the more you can keep that from infecting your own attitude, the better.
posted by ook at 11:14 PM on January 14, 2008
Not for nothing, but it seems like a lot of your stress is coming from your family. That's more than "slightly overbearing," it sounds overprotective to the point of nuttiness.
You've got every right to be stressed out -- heavy courseload, heavy workload, new term, high pressure for financial reasons -- I'd be bursting into tears, too, most likely. Only advice I can offer there is to remind you that it's temporary, it'll get easier, and you can get through it.
Maybe there's some way you can talk to your family and possibly get them to chill out a bit, though -- or at least not let their anxieties (about camera theft or your sister's "long list of work") bleed over into your life. If you're old enough to be in college, you're old enough to not have a strict curfew, and definitely old enough to take your own camera outside if you want to. Sorting that out with them may cause more stress and problems than it's worth, so you may want to set it aside and put up with the restrictions for now, which would be a perfectly valid choice -- but do realize those are their anxieties, not yours; the more you can keep that from infecting your own attitude, the better.
posted by ook at 11:14 PM on January 14, 2008
If it were too much pressure as in work load I find it interesting that you like your job so very much :) And seem dare I say wistful of it when the hours drop...
Sounds like there's not enough joy in your life. Some people are cool with that but you don't appear to be one of them. I also think your problem with the classes is because it's cutting into the time you are actually allowed out of the house, which has become increasingly precious to you...
If your sister is older and similarly restricted this would be showing you it just doesn't fucking let up. Maybe it's just me but I start to loose it in hopeless situations. But otherwise what are her problems and how do they relate to you? This is part of what's changed
I know you like photography but for now - let them keep their camera, whatever. Get some pencils or a pound of clay if someone actually stole them from you it would just be kinda strange rather than some hectic life threatening or expensive situation.
I think you should get another job or volunteer or join a hobby group. All the fun of human interaction with none of the stress of 'social situations'. And tell your friends putting more pressure on you isn't helping, but start getting your parents used to the idea that they can back-off now. The longer you let them think they can do this the harder it will be for them when suddenly it's beyond their control. It's kinder in the long run.
Oh and the scrunching thing - yes! Absolutely! Cats do this with their entire bodies and they are definitely on to something...
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 11:15 PM on January 14, 2008
Sounds like there's not enough joy in your life. Some people are cool with that but you don't appear to be one of them. I also think your problem with the classes is because it's cutting into the time you are actually allowed out of the house, which has become increasingly precious to you...
If your sister is older and similarly restricted this would be showing you it just doesn't fucking let up. Maybe it's just me but I start to loose it in hopeless situations. But otherwise what are her problems and how do they relate to you? This is part of what's changed
I know you like photography but for now - let them keep their camera, whatever. Get some pencils or a pound of clay if someone actually stole them from you it would just be kinda strange rather than some hectic life threatening or expensive situation.
I think you should get another job or volunteer or join a hobby group. All the fun of human interaction with none of the stress of 'social situations'. And tell your friends putting more pressure on you isn't helping, but start getting your parents used to the idea that they can back-off now. The longer you let them think they can do this the harder it will be for them when suddenly it's beyond their control. It's kinder in the long run.
Oh and the scrunching thing - yes! Absolutely! Cats do this with their entire bodies and they are definitely on to something...
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 11:15 PM on January 14, 2008
Everyone here has great suggestions. I just thought I'd thrown in one more.
Parents like yours are exactly the reason I demanded to move three hours from home to go to college. Like you, I had scholarships to maintain, and I was the first person in my family to attend college (and to graduate, thank you very much). Add to the mix my natural type-A high-strung-everything-must-be-perfect-or-else-catastrophic-disaster-personality, and well, you get the picture.
I tried pulling the 18-credit-hour semester once. For the precise reasons you are. It. didn't. happen. I got a D on my first botany test, a D on my first latin american civ test, and nearly had a nervous breakdown. (Plus that was the same semester as I watched as two planes flew into my World Trade Center, so...).
It's not worth it to take 6 classes if you can't finish the semester because you've lost your mind.
I dropped the five-hour botany class and took only 12 or 13 hour semesters (4 classes) each term including summers until I graduated. I graduated a semester later, but I graduated. With 2 majors and a minor. Better yet, I used my extra time to study abroad. Now I can kick ass in two languages.
As far as debt is concerned, this is not meant callously, but take advantage of student loans if they are available to you. They are mostly considered "good debt," not a liabilty, plus they can help alleviate the momentary financial hardships you are struggling with. You can even use them to help pay for rent in your own (shared) apartment/flat. They are an investment in your future, and you have the rest of your life to pay them, so if it helps, then do so.
One last piece of advice that has not been given here: if you find that, after psychotherapy, medical exams, and resolving the current situational factors causing you stress,that you are still having trouble with your tension level, consider seeing a psychiatrist. S/he may be able to recommend a medical treatment plan to be used in conjunction with therapy.
In addition to reducing my life stressors, I began seeing a therapist who diagnosed me with an anxiety disorder (makes sense, huh?) and a psychiatrist who put me on a low dose SSRI. My treatment plan, along with TLC from my sweetie and self-care have literally saved me.
Best of luck to you.
posted by mynameismandab at 11:25 PM on January 14, 2008
Parents like yours are exactly the reason I demanded to move three hours from home to go to college. Like you, I had scholarships to maintain, and I was the first person in my family to attend college (and to graduate, thank you very much). Add to the mix my natural type-A high-strung-everything-must-be-perfect-or-else-catastrophic-disaster-personality, and well, you get the picture.
I tried pulling the 18-credit-hour semester once. For the precise reasons you are. It. didn't. happen. I got a D on my first botany test, a D on my first latin american civ test, and nearly had a nervous breakdown. (Plus that was the same semester as I watched as two planes flew into my World Trade Center, so...).
It's not worth it to take 6 classes if you can't finish the semester because you've lost your mind.
I dropped the five-hour botany class and took only 12 or 13 hour semesters (4 classes) each term including summers until I graduated. I graduated a semester later, but I graduated. With 2 majors and a minor. Better yet, I used my extra time to study abroad. Now I can kick ass in two languages.
As far as debt is concerned, this is not meant callously, but take advantage of student loans if they are available to you. They are mostly considered "good debt," not a liabilty, plus they can help alleviate the momentary financial hardships you are struggling with. You can even use them to help pay for rent in your own (shared) apartment/flat. They are an investment in your future, and you have the rest of your life to pay them, so if it helps, then do so.
One last piece of advice that has not been given here: if you find that, after psychotherapy, medical exams, and resolving the current situational factors causing you stress,that you are still having trouble with your tension level, consider seeing a psychiatrist. S/he may be able to recommend a medical treatment plan to be used in conjunction with therapy.
In addition to reducing my life stressors, I began seeing a therapist who diagnosed me with an anxiety disorder (makes sense, huh?) and a psychiatrist who put me on a low dose SSRI. My treatment plan, along with TLC from my sweetie and self-care have literally saved me.
Best of luck to you.
posted by mynameismandab at 11:25 PM on January 14, 2008
Some of the best advice I have ever been given:
"Just because someone can do it, or because they have been able to do it, doesn't necessarily mean it's OK to keep asking them to do it." And then apply it to yourself.
You must acknowledge that the number of stressors in your life is far higher than what might be considered normal. Just because you can do it, and because you have been doing it, doesn't mean it's fair to keep asking so much of yourself.
Good luck this term!
posted by samthemander at 4:21 AM on January 15, 2008
"Just because someone can do it, or because they have been able to do it, doesn't necessarily mean it's OK to keep asking them to do it." And then apply it to yourself.
You must acknowledge that the number of stressors in your life is far higher than what might be considered normal. Just because you can do it, and because you have been doing it, doesn't mean it's fair to keep asking so much of yourself.
Good luck this term!
posted by samthemander at 4:21 AM on January 15, 2008
1) get a low cost camera <>
2) Ask your friends to put themselves out a little bit - maybe - gasp! even re-schedule a work shift or a meeting or something - so they can meet with you during the day. Explain to them how much this will help you.
3) Are there alternate activities that you might like that your family would allow after dark? Religious groups, extended family, groups of approved friends, etc.
4) Practice a discipline. I recommend photo manipulation via Photoshop and the like.
posted by By The Grace of God at 6:08 AM on January 15, 2008
3) Are there alternate activities that you might like that your family would allow after dark? Religious groups, extended family, groups of approved friends, etc.
4) Practice a discipline. I recommend photo manipulation via Photoshop and the like.
posted by By The Grace of God at 6:08 AM on January 15, 2008
hm - that was supposed to read "less than $50 - maybe a Holga!" Odd bug with the less than sign.
posted by By The Grace of God at 6:09 AM on January 15, 2008
posted by By The Grace of God at 6:09 AM on January 15, 2008
Response by poster: Thanks, everyone, for the replies.
The only things that needed clarification were the camera thing (it's mine, DSLR grad present, but I doubt the cost is the only issue: dad wasn't too happy with my use of his nigh-indestructible 30-year-old Pentax K-1000 -- of which he has two -- either) and the scholarship thing (it's by annual, not cumulative, GPA, so I just cannot have an off year, or even a particularly off semester).
Otherwise, my deepest thanks. I think I'm dropping a course.
posted by flibbertigibbet at 1:01 PM on January 15, 2008 [1 favorite]
The only things that needed clarification were the camera thing (it's mine, DSLR grad present, but I doubt the cost is the only issue: dad wasn't too happy with my use of his nigh-indestructible 30-year-old Pentax K-1000 -- of which he has two -- either) and the scholarship thing (it's by annual, not cumulative, GPA, so I just cannot have an off year, or even a particularly off semester).
Otherwise, my deepest thanks. I think I'm dropping a course.
posted by flibbertigibbet at 1:01 PM on January 15, 2008 [1 favorite]
Good for you for taking care of yourself and best of luck with the new semester!
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 1:16 PM on January 15, 2008
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 1:16 PM on January 15, 2008
This thread is closed to new comments.
Find a way to get a mental release - get your parents involved (so they cut you some slack) to help you figure out that you're completely overloaded and over stressed. Go into some debt. Get the class load back to 5 classes. What happens when you struggle with a class one day? Where will you find the time?
posted by filmgeek at 5:45 PM on January 14, 2008