Help me be the best aunt ever!

December 29, 2007 5:51 PM

I'm going to be an aunt, but I can't stand my nephew-to-be's parents.

Over the years, I've been subject to a lot of personal (racially-based) attacks and passive-aggressive behavior by my brother-in-law and his wife (no blood relation to either). The family isn't one to confront conflict, despite my attempts to address the situation. It's at the point where I can barely tolerate them and their behavior has not changed even with the help I've provided during her pregnancy.

All that said, this will be my first time being an aunt and I'm excited for the new baby. I've decided to be the best aunt ever for the sake of my new nephew.

I bought a lot of high-priced items for the shower and I'm tempted to buy off all remaining items on their registry when the baby finally comes, but that sounds like I'm trying to buy a good relationship. And I'm not. I really do know that I can't change them, but I can work towards a good aunt-nephew relationship.

I think I know how to build that relationship once he's walking/talking, but what do I do now? How many gifts is too much? How do I be a great aunt particularly in the more immediate future (0-1 years)?

Thanks!

posted by anonymous to human relations (16 comments total)

The baby does not care about the gifts. The parents do. You don't have to buy more than you already have.

For the relationship with the baby, just look for opportunities to hold him and talk with him. Play with him and enjoy him. If the parents ask you to sit and it is a convenient thing for you to do, do it. When you are with him, just love him and play with him. Continue to do this regardless of his parents behavior.

Good luck.
posted by onhazier at 6:00 PM on December 29, 2007 [1 favorite]

Back right off, in order to avoid exposing a pre-language infant to the bad vibes that will accompany your relationship with the parents.
posted by flabdablet at 6:01 PM on December 29, 2007

Easy. Offer to babysit. Later, trips to the library, to the zoo, etc. You don't need to buy crap for the kid. The kid really doesn't appreciate it, and if you go overboard there's a chance the parents may resent it as well.
posted by zennie at 6:03 PM on December 29, 2007 [3 favorites]

Being a great Aunt (or relative, for that matter) is definitely not about gifts. I would seriously reconsider this line of thinking, as it seems to be focusing on an aspect of relationships that can become pretty dysfunctional. Also, you are worried about how many gifts your nephew would appreciate now? He's not going to appreciate any gift for a few years yet.

Enjoy the fact that he's arriving and give him attention and love. That's probably all you need to give him for the rest of his life and it will actually mean the most. The easy way out is to give "things". The hard and best approach is to give of yourself.

Enjoy your nephew and, perhaps, don't try so hard.
posted by qwip at 6:09 PM on December 29, 2007

Spend time with him. Babysit. Go over and play with the baby while the parents run around and get things done -- and you wait for pizza to arrive. Take him to the park, the aquarium, the library, etc. Go shopping with the parents and amuse the baby while the parents get things done. That way, you'll build relationships with all three people. And the baby will be in a lower stress household.
posted by acoutu at 6:29 PM on December 29, 2007

So, you're married to the brother of the father, yes? And so far things haven't been going well. Given that, I think buying lots and lots of expensive things from the registry may have the opposite effect on the relationships -- it may look as though you're, whatever, putting on airs, trying to show others up, showing off money, insert dysfunctional reaction.
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 6:39 PM on December 29, 2007

I agree, just get them something off the registry and then once the baby's here volunteer to babysit and once he's sentient take him out to cool places...I'm the "cool aunt" because I take my nephew to places like the XGames and he and his buds know I'll hang out and not report back to mom when they start a bonfire in the backyard. I also don't get on his case about stuff like being on MySpace when he was 12...I just asked if he made sure he was only chatting with people he knew offline first while his mom was saying OMG MySpace YOU'LL GET KIDNAPPED.

Basically you just get to be a friend and take him to do cool things...when he's old enough if you are in a position to buy HIM neat gadgets, thats cool...but the parents don't sound like they'll appreciate it.

reg
posted by legotech at 7:05 PM on December 29, 2007

As that little boy grows, you'll learn how to be a good aunt and a good influence. You'll have plenty of time to develop a strong bond and gifts won't play any part in that.

Don't worry about buying stuff unless the parents are unable to provide for the child (and that doesn't seem to be the case).
posted by 26.2 at 7:42 PM on December 29, 2007

1. Yep, offer to babysit as often as they want and build a good relationship with the baby.

2. If you do feel the need to buy things to help build your relationship, consider buying some things for your house: a basic playpen/changing table combo, baby blankets, a couple onesies and sleeper jammies and toys, and start building yourself a library of children's books to read to him. While he's less than a few months old, it's OK to read him whatever you're reading, but reading to him will help you create a small shared space, and when he gets a little older, having special "Auntie's house" toys and books will be more special than if you just bought him things.
posted by Cricket at 7:49 PM on December 29, 2007 [1 favorite]

I actually think you should do nothing. Nothing at all. Zero. Zilch. Nada.

I bought a lot of high-priced items for the shower and I'm tempted to buy off all remaining items on their registry when the baby finally comes, but that sounds like I'm trying to buy a good relationship.

You are absolutely right. In addition, you are also reinforcing their cruel behaviour. Although I don't exactly know what they are doing/saying to you, I will assume that it is juvenile and stupid.

Perhaps I see what you are trying to do: Kill them with kindness, Make them feel guilty for being so cruel to you. I have tried that myself, and it rarely works. Maybe in Hollywood, but in general it never works.

(Maybe it would work if someone sensitive would be watching your back who would whack these people across the head and say WTF? But it seems that no one is watching your back, so you are out of luck here too.)

Now, by doing nothing, you will come across as being mean, and cold at first: nice people turning mean always look worse than mean people who stay mean. But when dealing with uncivilized folk, you gotta be mean. Repsect is for respectable people only. Lion tamers don't tame lions with tummy rubs, do they? They do it with a chair and a whip. It is time for you to crack out the whip!

What about your husband and your inlaws? Look, they have not defended you throughout all this. They had their chance. It is time for you to defend yourself.

You are worried about the kiddo. Fair enough. I have a few thoughts on this:

- If you are thinking that you are going to try to win the baby's loyalty through your actions, stop thinking that right away! You will be fighting a losing battle regardless of how mean the parents are or how nice you are. In fact, if the parents are as evil as you make them out to be, you might want to prepare yourself for the possibility that they will expose/teach him the same garbage that is currently rotting their brains.

- If you have not been accepted by the parents, then I think you might come across too strong/desparate or as a pushover if you try to get too involved in this kid's life.

- For the first few years, the kiddo will be too young to know who you are and to build any sense of trust with you anyways. So you can technically get away with completely ignoring him for, say, 3 years, and then using that time to earn some respect from his parents. Anything you do "for the kid" in these first years wont make that much of an impression on him anyways, and in fact is actually doing something "for the parents"

- That being said, I would return, if possible anything you bought and tell your inlaws that things will need to change before you continue to interact with them in any way. Do not go to the baptism. Do not offer to babysit. Do not offer to change the diapers. Do not offer to burp the kiddo, put him to bed, take him out. Do not give the parents money for the college fund. Do not offer to help until you get the respect you deserve.

Be a good aunt to yourself. You have a lifetime to foster a wonderful relationship with your nephew. But you need to be a good aunt/mother/sister to yourself right now.

Good Luck.
If you need to talk more feel free to e-mail or MeFi mail me.
posted by bitteroldman at 8:30 PM on December 29, 2007

You can't have a good relationship with a yet unborn infant/child and hate its parents. It borders on evil.
posted by semmi at 9:20 PM on December 29, 2007

The best gift you can give before the 1-year mark is probably babysitting or just coming over to hold the child while the parent gets things done. Trust me, this WILL be appreciated. You could even put together a gift with a gift certificate to a local restaurant or movie theater, and a home-made "good for one night of babysitting certificate."

Once your nephew is about a year old, you can really start to build a relationship with him. It's a FUN age. The child will be full of innocence and curiousity but not yet to the stage where he begans to challenge rules and push boundaries. One of the best things you can do is to READ to him. Kids love books! Take him to the library story time and then check out books afterwards. Kids this age also love animals, so a trip to the zoo would be appreciated.

You CAN build a relationship with him regardless of your feelings about his parents.
posted by Ostara at 10:53 PM on December 29, 2007

AskMeFi is not always sunshine and roses...

No offense, but if you don't like the parents, what makes you think you're gonna like the child? After all, they will be the major determining factor in the child's demeanor and personality.

Also, why do you feel you're entitled to a relationship with your soon-to-be nephew? You're not. Throwing money around will only alienate you further from the parents.

This question seems to be much more about self-affirmation that interpersonal relations. The child is not all about you.

You'll never have a relationship with your nephew (nor SHOULD you) if you can't have a decent relationship with the parents. I suggest you find a way to fix that problem... the rest will work itself out.
posted by matty at 11:04 PM on December 29, 2007

You can have a relationship with your nephew that is removed from the parent's drama and hurtful comments etc and I can tell you, IMHO, the best way to do that is to follow what's already been said and babysit as much as you feel you can. The strongest bonds are formed early. Exhausted parents who need some time to themselves love handing over their little ones to people they trust.

It could even be a healing thing amongst all the grownups too. People can have terrible opinions in general but treat individuals entirely differently. Now might be a good time to see how they feel about you as based on your actions as opposed to ingrained biases based on preconceived notions.

Presents are all about how you want to appear to the parents, or at least that's how they might be perceived if you go all out with the buying everything on the register. Get them really practical things (diaper service, stacks of disposables (whatever their preference is) , bottles, bibs, spitty rags, bunny rugs, balls with bells in them, lovely big comfy rugs or blankets for the baby to loll/roll about on), that kinda thing.

Hope it all works out well for you. It's a long term project.
posted by h00py at 3:30 AM on December 30, 2007

If the parents are jerks, the kid will seriously appreciate an aunt who isn't a jerk, and spends time giving he/she attention. Be fun! But that all comes later, as the kid starts getting old enough to be interesting. Teach the kid cool things. Listen, a lot! Wear a very subtle scent, and always wear the same scent when seeing the baby (I mean, extremely subtle, not something that might bother a sensitive baby nose). If you lavish the baby with attention and warmth, always with the same scent, the child will forever associate that scent with good times.
posted by Goofyy at 5:35 AM on December 30, 2007

Hmmm, I didn't know that about scents. God I hope this kid doesn't turn out to be like his parents, no offence meant, but you sound like you're going to be a great aunt--gifts or no gifts. Just don't forget the hugs, the trips and the talking. Goodluck!
posted by hadjiboy at 7:54 AM on December 30, 2007