One more slightly dysfunctional family.
July 10, 2008 5:12 AM Subscribe
Help me help the addicts (and possibly the enablers) in my family.
Today my mom called me with some bad news, in a year filled with bad news. My 22-year-old brother is home from college (where he has a football scholarship and is about to begin his senior year) because he's addicted to oxycontin. I was somewhat surprised, but I knew he was a daily pot smoker, and he had called me and my older brother in January because he was worried he was doing to much coke. Back in January my brother and I found him a counselor, and I tried to call him every once in a while to see if he was using. Unfortunately all three of us live in different states and don't have the ability to see each other very often, phone calls are as good as it gets.
The situation, of course, is more complicated than that. My dad struggled for four to five years with a vicodin addiction culminating with him giving himself a seizure. A month after my mom's mom had died. My mom told the doctor about his on and off addiction and the doctor dismissed it. They searched for other causes and my father wouldn't admit what caused it. About a month later my mom found some emails and my dad admitted to using, they separated for about two or three months, my dad promised to get clean, he did get clean, they got back together, and now they seem to be doing well. Although nobody really knows when my dad is using, except maybe me, and I live in a different state. Plus he has admitted in the past that had I confronted him, he would have denied it. My best guess is he's clean right now, and I've never before seen him act like he wants to be clean, so he gets the benefit of the doubt right now. My mom always claims she can't tell when someone is using and she knows how easy it is to hide from her. To make matters worse, they've given my little brother pretty much unlimited supply to their bank account since he began college.
I'm feeling a little overwhelmed right now. I want to help my brother but I don't know how, and I don't want to naively assume he even wants help. I'm afraid that my mom is an enabler, but I don't know how to broach that subject or get her to get her own therapy. Because I live far away, I'm always included on the periphery of these life events (my mom calls and says things like "i'm not sure I should even tell you" but then calls for emotional support a couple of times a week).
On top of that I have had my share of addiction issues, but I got kicked out, moved far away from my parents and figured out how to clean up my act and be an adult. Even they are surprised at how far I've come.
My parents are thinking one or both of them should move back to his college town with him so he can finish playing football. And they seem adverse to sending him to rehab, they want to get him clean themselves. Thank you for reading this long post. Any advice, personal experience, or general insight would be so greatly appreciated. I tried to give a bit too much info so if you see some other patterns forming here you could point those out for me. One last thing, I'm a 24 year old female and yes, I am in therapy.
Today my mom called me with some bad news, in a year filled with bad news. My 22-year-old brother is home from college (where he has a football scholarship and is about to begin his senior year) because he's addicted to oxycontin. I was somewhat surprised, but I knew he was a daily pot smoker, and he had called me and my older brother in January because he was worried he was doing to much coke. Back in January my brother and I found him a counselor, and I tried to call him every once in a while to see if he was using. Unfortunately all three of us live in different states and don't have the ability to see each other very often, phone calls are as good as it gets.
The situation, of course, is more complicated than that. My dad struggled for four to five years with a vicodin addiction culminating with him giving himself a seizure. A month after my mom's mom had died. My mom told the doctor about his on and off addiction and the doctor dismissed it. They searched for other causes and my father wouldn't admit what caused it. About a month later my mom found some emails and my dad admitted to using, they separated for about two or three months, my dad promised to get clean, he did get clean, they got back together, and now they seem to be doing well. Although nobody really knows when my dad is using, except maybe me, and I live in a different state. Plus he has admitted in the past that had I confronted him, he would have denied it. My best guess is he's clean right now, and I've never before seen him act like he wants to be clean, so he gets the benefit of the doubt right now. My mom always claims she can't tell when someone is using and she knows how easy it is to hide from her. To make matters worse, they've given my little brother pretty much unlimited supply to their bank account since he began college.
I'm feeling a little overwhelmed right now. I want to help my brother but I don't know how, and I don't want to naively assume he even wants help. I'm afraid that my mom is an enabler, but I don't know how to broach that subject or get her to get her own therapy. Because I live far away, I'm always included on the periphery of these life events (my mom calls and says things like "i'm not sure I should even tell you" but then calls for emotional support a couple of times a week).
On top of that I have had my share of addiction issues, but I got kicked out, moved far away from my parents and figured out how to clean up my act and be an adult. Even they are surprised at how far I've come.
My parents are thinking one or both of them should move back to his college town with him so he can finish playing football. And they seem adverse to sending him to rehab, they want to get him clean themselves. Thank you for reading this long post. Any advice, personal experience, or general insight would be so greatly appreciated. I tried to give a bit too much info so if you see some other patterns forming here you could point those out for me. One last thing, I'm a 24 year old female and yes, I am in therapy.
Having been in a relationship with an addict for several years, I know first-hand that there is nothing more frustrating and depressing than the realization that you can do nothing to help the person until they accept they the need help(I also am aware that there is nothing more cliche than this response, but what can you do? It's just the truth). The best thing you can do is get yourself to an al-anon meeting (or the equivalent for drug addiction) and encourage your parents to do the same(you can tell your parents that you want to help them find support rather than saying they need therapy which would likely make them feel very defensive) When I was going through this I saw an addiction therapist who helped me tremendously and he frequently had to remind me that "You are not a treatment center" everytime I would try to "fix" the problem. You can't fix your family. So hard to accept but such a feeling of tremendous relief once you do. Best wishes to you all.
posted by elis at 5:52 AM on July 10, 2008
posted by elis at 5:52 AM on July 10, 2008
My heart goes out to you. Reading your post is like reading something I might have written ten years ago. Boy, does this resonate with me to a painful degree.
You've done exactly what you should have done - you got out of there. I know it's hard to hear this, but you can't do anything to help your brother or your parents more than you've done by removing yourself from the circle of dependence and expectations. Except, were I you, I'd put my head down, focus more on my own therapy, and set some serious limits with your parents - particularly your mom. Were I you, when she called, I'd say something like, "Mom, I love you and dad and my brother. It's painful for me to see what you're all going through. There's nothing I can do but encourage you to talk to a therapist about all of this. I'm seeing my own therapist and it's really helped me get out from under the need to use and to stay clean. Please get some help." Then I'd find a gentle excuse to get off the phone. I don't know if this is the case with you, but after one of these sorts of calls from my mom, I'd be depressed for days, get sidetracked from whatever I was trying to accomplish and basically just watch the storm clouds roll in, no matter how strongly my rational mind fought to tell me I was doing okay. That's the danger in continuing to stay wrapped up in the family drama, even from a distance - it takes a toll you may not be wholly aware of in the moment. Even just quietly listening to the latest laundry list of how your brother is screwing up his life will drain your emotional reserves over time. Don't do it.
If your parents want to enable your brother by funding his life and, in so doing, funding his addiction, that's their choice. And if he's not asking you for your help and he's in the throes of an addiction, insinuating yourself into his life right now is only going to be met with hostility. The hard reality is that, though you are the strongest in your family, you have to remove running to you for unqualified support as an option. Honestly, in my own experience, always being a sounding board or a rescuer only perpetuates a really unhealthy cycle - and it sounds like that's the role you've been cast in in your family. You're supposed to rescue everybody. You're already well on the road to figuring out that that isn't possible and I commend you for working so hard to pull your own life together. That's very brave and hard, I well understand. The danger in the rescuer role is that you feel rather aimless and out of sorts when you're not rescuing. You feel like you're failing or somehow dropping the ball. That's all programming, anon. You're breaking free of the rescuer role and it will feel strange at times not to jump on your white steed when you hear screaming. It will grow more natural to keep your distance over time, I promise.
If your brother calls you to talk about all of this, then I would say (and have said, in a similar conversation), "I love you, Brian. I'd love to see you sober and healthy and living your life to the fullest extent. I want you to get sober and get into therapy to pull your life together. I'm afraid that unless and until you do that, I can't have any contact with you. Your addiction frightens me and makes me not trust you. It scares me and puts my own emotional health at risk. Good luck and I'm pulling for you to make a full recovery." And hang up the phone.
I truly wish you and your family the very best of luck.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 5:56 AM on July 10, 2008 [4 favorites]
You've done exactly what you should have done - you got out of there. I know it's hard to hear this, but you can't do anything to help your brother or your parents more than you've done by removing yourself from the circle of dependence and expectations. Except, were I you, I'd put my head down, focus more on my own therapy, and set some serious limits with your parents - particularly your mom. Were I you, when she called, I'd say something like, "Mom, I love you and dad and my brother. It's painful for me to see what you're all going through. There's nothing I can do but encourage you to talk to a therapist about all of this. I'm seeing my own therapist and it's really helped me get out from under the need to use and to stay clean. Please get some help." Then I'd find a gentle excuse to get off the phone. I don't know if this is the case with you, but after one of these sorts of calls from my mom, I'd be depressed for days, get sidetracked from whatever I was trying to accomplish and basically just watch the storm clouds roll in, no matter how strongly my rational mind fought to tell me I was doing okay. That's the danger in continuing to stay wrapped up in the family drama, even from a distance - it takes a toll you may not be wholly aware of in the moment. Even just quietly listening to the latest laundry list of how your brother is screwing up his life will drain your emotional reserves over time. Don't do it.
If your parents want to enable your brother by funding his life and, in so doing, funding his addiction, that's their choice. And if he's not asking you for your help and he's in the throes of an addiction, insinuating yourself into his life right now is only going to be met with hostility. The hard reality is that, though you are the strongest in your family, you have to remove running to you for unqualified support as an option. Honestly, in my own experience, always being a sounding board or a rescuer only perpetuates a really unhealthy cycle - and it sounds like that's the role you've been cast in in your family. You're supposed to rescue everybody. You're already well on the road to figuring out that that isn't possible and I commend you for working so hard to pull your own life together. That's very brave and hard, I well understand. The danger in the rescuer role is that you feel rather aimless and out of sorts when you're not rescuing. You feel like you're failing or somehow dropping the ball. That's all programming, anon. You're breaking free of the rescuer role and it will feel strange at times not to jump on your white steed when you hear screaming. It will grow more natural to keep your distance over time, I promise.
If your brother calls you to talk about all of this, then I would say (and have said, in a similar conversation), "I love you, Brian. I'd love to see you sober and healthy and living your life to the fullest extent. I want you to get sober and get into therapy to pull your life together. I'm afraid that unless and until you do that, I can't have any contact with you. Your addiction frightens me and makes me not trust you. It scares me and puts my own emotional health at risk. Good luck and I'm pulling for you to make a full recovery." And hang up the phone.
I truly wish you and your family the very best of luck.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 5:56 AM on July 10, 2008 [4 favorites]
Lead by example. Show your siblings what a strong, independent life you have. As a former user yourself, you know your brother will get clean when he is ready. Your maturity and experience can be his path when he wants it. Be there for him when he needs you, and remember to always take care of yourself first.
Your parents are the ones who sound like basket cases. They are the ones needing counseling. Perhaps send them a book or two about the dangers of enabling. I'm sorry you're having to go through this, and seemingly finding yourself in the middle. Just continue to be the person you aspire to be and the rest will follow.
posted by netbros at 6:03 AM on July 10, 2008
Your parents are the ones who sound like basket cases. They are the ones needing counseling. Perhaps send them a book or two about the dangers of enabling. I'm sorry you're having to go through this, and seemingly finding yourself in the middle. Just continue to be the person you aspire to be and the rest will follow.
posted by netbros at 6:03 AM on July 10, 2008
Try to think of it this way: If your brother had a near term, life threatening illness- would your parents move to his college town so he could finish playing football?
Addiction to oxycontin is on par with heroin addiction. The sooner your brother feels the painful consequences of trying to maintain his addiction- the better. Your parents sound as though they don't really understand and admit addiction to themselves- so I don't think their approach to your brother is going to be productive. He will continue to use. The best thing they could do for him is ADMIT to him that opiate dependence is a disease that affects your entire FAMILY and, as a family, you will face it. (I don't expect they will do this.)
I strongly suspect that your brother, if he is ready to admit to his problems and ask for help, needs a year off from school and at least a 30 day in patient rehab program- and, of course, these programs vary in quality, so it will take some research.
I am taking a strong stand on this because I have been through opiate addiction and it is the extremely rare individual who can beat this on their own. And those that do, often have to change their lives completely anyway. Take care of yourself and maintain healthy boundaries- as others are advising.
I hope that your brother can reach the understanding that he is not a "fuck-up" if he chooses to responsibly admit to and address his addiction- even though it likely means taking time off from school and putting off some things. Opiate dependence is a disorder which should not be surrounded by shame. It is a change in brain chemistry that requires treatment and monitoring and behavioral modification like many other non-stigmatized disorders.
Best wishes to your family.
posted by mistsandrain at 6:21 AM on July 10, 2008 [1 favorite]
Addiction to oxycontin is on par with heroin addiction. The sooner your brother feels the painful consequences of trying to maintain his addiction- the better. Your parents sound as though they don't really understand and admit addiction to themselves- so I don't think their approach to your brother is going to be productive. He will continue to use. The best thing they could do for him is ADMIT to him that opiate dependence is a disease that affects your entire FAMILY and, as a family, you will face it. (I don't expect they will do this.)
I strongly suspect that your brother, if he is ready to admit to his problems and ask for help, needs a year off from school and at least a 30 day in patient rehab program- and, of course, these programs vary in quality, so it will take some research.
I am taking a strong stand on this because I have been through opiate addiction and it is the extremely rare individual who can beat this on their own. And those that do, often have to change their lives completely anyway. Take care of yourself and maintain healthy boundaries- as others are advising.
I hope that your brother can reach the understanding that he is not a "fuck-up" if he chooses to responsibly admit to and address his addiction- even though it likely means taking time off from school and putting off some things. Opiate dependence is a disorder which should not be surrounded by shame. It is a change in brain chemistry that requires treatment and monitoring and behavioral modification like many other non-stigmatized disorders.
Best wishes to your family.
posted by mistsandrain at 6:21 AM on July 10, 2008 [1 favorite]
Speaking from someone who had an active addiction for 12 years, and was intervened upon after Thanksgiving '07, I can only imagine your pain. The suffering I caused my family and friends during those 12 years are immeasurable. Recovery is a long and arduous road, and unfortunately, due to the bio-psycho-social aspects of addiction, the best course of action is often unclear. I gave up a promising career with a major company to enter treatment (I was there less than a year, and not covered by FMLA), and was in a 30 day, immediately followed by a 90 day long term facility. The thing that all addiction therapists agree upon is the need to let the addict feel the full brunt of consequences, and not enable them. Hopefully this will not result in long term incarceration, or death, but I'm sure your brother would rather look back 20 years from now, and say "wow, I really fucked up that college scholarship, but life is awesome anyway now, and had I not entered treatment, I might be dead or worse." Treatment doesn't work for everyone, and it's harder the younger you are, but if the physical addiction has progressed far enough, an institution may be your only option. (I've never taken an Oxy, but from what I head, the withdrawals are absolutlely killer, and it only takes 3-6 months (depending on use) for the physical addiction to kick in, once amounts exceed prescribed dosages.)
Al-anon is highly recommended, and if your parents can afford it, treatment is the better option over outpatient. Inpatient centers usually have a heavy focus on getting to the pathology behind why the person started using in the first place. Unless that is fixed, they are generally doomed to relapse again. Of course, working the steps in a NA or AA program with a sponsor can also help the person work through this, it's just my experience has generally shown that doing an intensive 90 day inpatient is tantamount to months more of AA. The longer you are in treatment the more chances of success you have, solely because you get more tools to put in your toolbox.
You also have to realize that rehabs and AA/NA have about a 6% success rate. (success= sober for 1 yr or longer continuously) Unfortunately I'm part of the larger 94%, cocky narcissist that is me, but my time in treatment definitely gave me the tools to do what I was unable to before, and on the 4th day of my slip, to reach out, put myself in a facility to detox, and start over from scratch... Last time I was unable to do this for myself and required a intervention. Re-broke my family's heart, but I'm moving on.
I certainly wish you and your family the best. I hope that you are able to help your brother without resorting to further emotional damage to yourself. You should check out some Al-anon meetings, the support found there can be invaluable, and I hope that you can get your brother the help he desperately needs.
posted by Debaser626 at 6:38 AM on July 10, 2008
Al-anon is highly recommended, and if your parents can afford it, treatment is the better option over outpatient. Inpatient centers usually have a heavy focus on getting to the pathology behind why the person started using in the first place. Unless that is fixed, they are generally doomed to relapse again. Of course, working the steps in a NA or AA program with a sponsor can also help the person work through this, it's just my experience has generally shown that doing an intensive 90 day inpatient is tantamount to months more of AA. The longer you are in treatment the more chances of success you have, solely because you get more tools to put in your toolbox.
You also have to realize that rehabs and AA/NA have about a 6% success rate. (success= sober for 1 yr or longer continuously) Unfortunately I'm part of the larger 94%, cocky narcissist that is me, but my time in treatment definitely gave me the tools to do what I was unable to before, and on the 4th day of my slip, to reach out, put myself in a facility to detox, and start over from scratch... Last time I was unable to do this for myself and required a intervention. Re-broke my family's heart, but I'm moving on.
I certainly wish you and your family the best. I hope that you are able to help your brother without resorting to further emotional damage to yourself. You should check out some Al-anon meetings, the support found there can be invaluable, and I hope that you can get your brother the help he desperately needs.
posted by Debaser626 at 6:38 AM on July 10, 2008
I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through and I honestly don't have the knowledge to give you advice, but your brother needs to understand that it is only a matter of time before his drug habit comes out as part of the normal drug testing programs that occur in college football.
I find it hard to believe that 'daily pot smoker' and someone that 'was worried he was doing to much coke' has not yet been discovered. Drug tests are a normal part of a football program and depending on the school he attends, a three time failed test results in suspension from the program... and of course loss of scholarship. If he has managed to escape detection so far then his odds are decreasing all the time. Maybe he needs to realize what he is about to lose in terms of doing something that he probably loves.
posted by 543DoublePlay at 6:42 AM on July 10, 2008
I find it hard to believe that 'daily pot smoker' and someone that 'was worried he was doing to much coke' has not yet been discovered. Drug tests are a normal part of a football program and depending on the school he attends, a three time failed test results in suspension from the program... and of course loss of scholarship. If he has managed to escape detection so far then his odds are decreasing all the time. Maybe he needs to realize what he is about to lose in terms of doing something that he probably loves.
posted by 543DoublePlay at 6:42 AM on July 10, 2008
My parents are thinking one or both of them should move back to his college town with him so he can finish playing football.
Your parents have their priorities out of order. They have demonstrated an inability to deal with addiction issues. You need to stop using your mom as the filter between you and your brother. She is not up to the task. Your parents are providing an easy environment to continue your brother's addiction - money, food, shelter, family care, football and no-rehab. Very few addicts will do the work of kicking their addiction when it's cushy and comfortable.
Establish a direct link to your brother and have your other sibling do the same - daily or weekly calls, visits if possible. If your brother wants help, then you're there for him. If he's not ready to kick his addiction, then there's nothing that you can do.
I'm sorry that you're going through this. Good luck to you and your family.
posted by 26.2 at 8:20 AM on July 10, 2008
Your parents have their priorities out of order. They have demonstrated an inability to deal with addiction issues. You need to stop using your mom as the filter between you and your brother. She is not up to the task. Your parents are providing an easy environment to continue your brother's addiction - money, food, shelter, family care, football and no-rehab. Very few addicts will do the work of kicking their addiction when it's cushy and comfortable.
Establish a direct link to your brother and have your other sibling do the same - daily or weekly calls, visits if possible. If your brother wants help, then you're there for him. If he's not ready to kick his addiction, then there's nothing that you can do.
I'm sorry that you're going through this. Good luck to you and your family.
posted by 26.2 at 8:20 AM on July 10, 2008
And they seem adverse to sending him to rehab, they want to get him clean themselves.
That line screams, screams, SCREAMS enabling parents! Especially in the context of their past histories and them wanting to move to their son's town so that they can provide him with all the happy comforts and enabling lifestyle he's been familiar with his whole life. I mean really, it'd be crazy to expect him to change under those conditions!
Or everything 26.2 said.
But also like others have said, the best thing you can do is be strong, continue therapy, live well, and try to learn more and see the situation as clearly as possible. Focus on that, and the answers to the rest of the questions about how to deal with this will reveal themselves.
posted by iamkimiam at 4:56 PM on July 10, 2008
That line screams, screams, SCREAMS enabling parents! Especially in the context of their past histories and them wanting to move to their son's town so that they can provide him with all the happy comforts and enabling lifestyle he's been familiar with his whole life. I mean really, it'd be crazy to expect him to change under those conditions!
Or everything 26.2 said.
But also like others have said, the best thing you can do is be strong, continue therapy, live well, and try to learn more and see the situation as clearly as possible. Focus on that, and the answers to the rest of the questions about how to deal with this will reveal themselves.
posted by iamkimiam at 4:56 PM on July 10, 2008
Nar-Anon was helpful for me in a similar circumstance. Best of luck to you - this is tough.
posted by lunit at 10:55 AM on July 11, 2008
posted by lunit at 10:55 AM on July 11, 2008
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posted by notsnot at 5:46 AM on July 10, 2008