How do I tell a potential employer about problems that may impact my effectiveness?

October 19, 2007 10:06 AM

How do I tell someone that's actively recruiting me I have social anxiety and other problems that may make it hard for me to do my job?

I'm quite embarrassed to admit this but it's time sensitive so I can't wait to post anonymously.

I'm 24, I never attended college, never had a job, have no car, am living with my mother and have bad teeth. I also have rather severe social anxiety.

For the past couple of weeks I've been sending security exploits that I've found and ideas for features to a startup site I frequent. A few days ago I received an email asking me to call them. When I did they explained that they all enjoyed my emails and wanted to talk to me personally to see if I'd be interested in a position they have available. I said I needed a couple days and here I am.

This is my dream job so part of me wants to scream "Hell yes I'll do it!" while the part that's winning just wants to hide.

If I got the job they'd be bringing me on as number seven of a six man team so everything I did would count. They can't really afford to waste any money or time on me if I can't perform.

I should point out that I've been studying and practicing web development since about '99 so it's not the knowledge I'm lacking, just working experience.

I need some advice on how to proceed. Which of my problems should I let them know about and how should I go about doing it? Should I not tell them any of it, work on the problems and apply later? I really just don't know.

posted by anonymous to Work & Money (44 answers total)

Just do it.

Why tell them anything? If it doesn't work out, so be it. Don't put roadblocks in their minds or your way.

Worst case scenario, you are no worse off than you are now. Best case, welcome to a new life.

(I too once had bad social anxiety. It gets better if you can put yourself out there and overcome the hump, so to speak.)
posted by konolia at 10:11 AM on October 19, 2007 [2 favorites]

You should go and do the interview to the very best of your ability, preparing in whatever way you need to.

You should not tell them anything about any form of disability or special need until you have a job offer and decide to take the job.

You aren't required to tell them in the interview, and they are not allowed to ask. You shouldn't say anything that might harm your chances of receiving an offer. Once they have made the offer, they can't rescind it without risking legal action. If and when they make an offer, you say "I'd be delighted to accept, but first I have some questions. A) benefits and policies b) training blah blah blah c) I have a medical condition that may require the following adaptations [one] [two] [three]."
posted by Miko at 10:14 AM on October 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

This question has little to do with what you should tell your interviewer and a lot to do with whether you want the job or not. If you want the job, don't tell them anything, and do your best to succeed. If you don't want the job, don't take it.

I say go for it. You've already proven to them you have something they want, and they probably aren't going to offer you much money in return for it. However for someone like you this would be great for your resume, your career, and most of all your self esteem.

Anxiety is a funny thing - it crops up most when you are just spinning your wheels. When you actually have something to focus on, often it goes away. Clearly you love fiddling with these folks' website so you already have a natural love for the work they're wanting you to do. It sounds like a perfect fit.
posted by ikkyu2 at 10:14 AM on October 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

Yes, talk to them now. Don't wait for a fictional "someday". Don't lie, but don't volunteer a lot of negatives about yourself. I know well the urge to do that. Go and find out for yourself about the job, and decide for yourself if you want it.

They can't really afford to waste any money or time on me if I can't perform.

That's really not for you to worry about. They'll let you know if it's not working out.

If you need quiet and privacy to work. see if they can accommodate that. A startup like this might be more flexible about meeting your needs if you have skills they need.
posted by DarkForest at 10:19 AM on October 19, 2007

I agree with the advice above. There is no reason for you to inform these people about your social anxieties.

In any case, I would also point out that the position is with a tech company, and if you're working on exploits and testing, odds are it's (forgive the term) geeky stuff.
If there's one thing us geeks understand, it's other geeks. Social anxiety is something that we all grapple with to an extent, so I don't think it will adversely affect your interview.
posted by smitt at 10:23 AM on October 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

Do it. Do your best. Until something gets in the way of you and your dream job, don't bother creating roadblocks for yourself by selling yourself short on the first interview.
posted by dead_ at 10:26 AM on October 19, 2007

In my own issues with social anxiety, I have found that closing my eyes and jumping right in has been the best way to keep it from limiting me.

Telling them you have social anxiety is not something the people interviewing you will want to hear about. That could be interpreted as a medical condition, and that knowing that kind of info about you might put them in a tricky position. If you really feel it will be an issue, I would second Miko's advice about mentioning it after, and asking about any accomodations they could make (or at least asking them for their understanding, until you settle in).

I would try to think about it this way: if I really wanted the job, and this job might help me break into a new life that I want for myself, then letting social anxiety keep you from going for it will likely only fuel your social anxiety. You mentioned living with your mother, having no car, and having bad teeth. Because you mention them, I assume that they are fueling your anxiety. A job, especially if it has dental benefits, will hopefully help you overcome all 3 issues.

Don't worry about whether or no they will be wasting time and money hiring you. That's the risk any employer takes when hiring someone new. Look out for yourself here: this sounds like an opportunity for you to make some positive changes.
posted by DrGirlfriend at 10:29 AM on October 19, 2007

If you have impressed them to the extent of them offering you an interview on the basis of a bunch of emails then you shouldn't have many problems face to face.
posted by fire&wings at 10:30 AM on October 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

Don't say anything in advance. When you sit down to a face-to-face interview, you can say something like: "I'm a bit nervous, I haven't done this before" which can help diffuse the tension.
posted by Manjusri at 10:33 AM on October 19, 2007

Remember that people without social anxiety issues are also very nervous about interviewing and starting new jobs. It's pretty normal to feel stressed right now. The company obviously likes what you do, so as you all learn to work together, they'll probably be willing to make some concessions to your needs as long as you are willing to meet them halfway. I really think you'll be OK- nerdy folks are generally used to idiosyncratic people.
posted by oneirodynia at 10:40 AM on October 19, 2007

You don't "have social anxiety" - it's not an illness like having, say, diabetes or rheumatism. It's a state of mind. Practise slowing yourself down, taking deep breaths - in interviews you can make this look like you're pondering thoughtfully over whatever someone is asking you - and focus past the moment to the possibilities set out for you here and the better life it would mean for you.
posted by zadcat at 10:44 AM on October 19, 2007 [2 favorites]

I agree with all the excellent advice on here telling you go ahead and do it. don't bother telling them about this condition, but definitely do as manjusri said and admit to being nervous. it can be sort of charming.

go talk to these people, let them see how talented you are, and get your dream job. Use it to become acclimated to the working world a and get over any anxiety you might have about getting out there. Use your paycheck to get your own place, use the health insurance to go to see an MD about the anxiety, and a DMD to fix your teeth (..ehh, i guess i'll forgo the British joke). it's doubtful that such a small company has employee tuition reimburstment, but the job after this one might. but this one sounds like it's could be the ideal first job.

but give yourself a break: stop introducing yourself as a guy who a bad teeth who lives with his Mom. you're obviously very smart and talented. start recognizing that.
posted by buka at 10:56 AM on October 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

By telling them, you essentially give yourself an out. Now they will be less likely to hire you, which means you will be less likely to have to be in an uncomfortable situation ( a social setting).

Make not telling them your first step to beating this.
posted by Mark at 10:59 AM on October 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

Don't tell them something like that... if it comes down to you failing at your job they will just fire you! Nothing to lose here, I would try to not take this all so seriously. This is an amazing thing in your life and you seem to be itching for a way to find a downside. There is no downside. Just go nail the interview. The worst thing that could happen is that you come back to the same situation with some more experience.
posted by pwally at 11:03 AM on October 19, 2007

You don't, at least not now. "Hey! How're you? [...] Oh, pretty good. First interview in quite a while, I'm rather nervous." Then, should you get hired, mention that you need a certain amount of space. If it seems you'll be the technical advisor, you may have minimum social contact.

They obviously want you. If it isn't working out, it's their problem. You really shouldn't worry about them 'wasting' money on you. Why?

1) That's a bad way to think, which is probably part of a larger set of beliefs that might make your social anxiety worse. See your description of yourself -- did we really need to know you have 'bad teeth', or do you feel so bad about yourself that you can't imagine that anyone else would be able to avoid seeing all your flaws and judging you on all of them? Do not present yourself this way to the interviewer. You are not a laundry list of flaws. You're a regular human. They probably won't notice or won't care about 90% of the things you thought you did wrong.

2) It's not your problem. You problem is getting hired and doing the best you can.
posted by flibbertigibbet at 11:05 AM on October 19, 2007

I agree that you should go for it. You can do it!

Have you talked to a counselor? Someone who is trained in helping people with anxiety can help you come up with ways to handle it.
posted by radioamy at 11:06 AM on October 19, 2007

This is my dream job so part of me wants to scream "Hell yes I'll do it!" while the part that's winning just wants to hide.

Feeling that way when you're facing an exciting challenge is a good thing! It means your adrenalin is kicking in, juices are flowing and your brain is firing up. It's what life is all about.
posted by fshgrl at 11:06 AM on October 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

I would only mention it in the interview if your anxiety started to make the interview go south

Go in and meet the team - I’m sure you’ll do well!
posted by doorsfan at 11:13 AM on October 19, 2007

I'd also encourage you to go to the interview if you can bring yourself to do so. When it comes to challenging anxiety, nothing compares to surviving difficult experiences, so you win no matter what. I also agree that you're better off not labeling yourself. To be frank, chances are your resume (no jobs or higher education) and your demeanor are going to "subtly" communicate that social interaction is not your strongest suit. Here's a hint - this is not an uncommon trait among super-apt computer autodidacts.

But you are going to have to address the fact that you have no college or work experience. Meaning, what are you going to say if you're asked about it (probable). Omission is not necessarily a sin in a job interview, i.e. if you can honestly say that you've been involved in self-educating and self-employment it is okay to do so without adding "and I'm scared of interacting with people." But you've got to be ready to say something because it is not that normal to have no conventional job or higher education experience at 24. And you've got to be ready to promote your self-employment experience as a substitute for conventional job experience. Think out what you're going to say in advance.

I know from close family and personal experience how hard and serious anxiety can be. I hope you'll take a chance (and in the spirit of the value it will have regardless of the outcome) One of the important things I did in my life was taking a job that basically forced me to push my comfort boundaries pretty much every day. It was a tough couple of years but I've never been afraid of a job since then.
posted by nanojath at 11:17 AM on October 19, 2007

For starters, they don't care about your teeth or with whom you live. Seriously.
They won't care about the car, either, if you can get to work and be as valuable as an employee as you've been as a non-employee. And you have been valuable: they've already got 6 people doing what you'd be working on. None of those 6 people noticed what you noticed or thought of what you thought of. It's only reasonable that they would want to check you out and get you on staff.
Job interviewing (if you're doing it right) can feel like lying when you don't have much self-esteem. Someone upthread said something like don't lie, just don't say the negative stuff. That is absolutely the best advice I can give you here.
Go.
Do it.
And don't lie, just don't say the negative stuff that you're thinking about yourself. Say the positive stuff that you're thinking about their site and what you would do to improve it.
Very few people have ever improved their sense of self-worth by not getting a job and not moving out of their mom's house. It's not a path I recommend trying.
Unfortunately, I don't know how to make it feel less daunting. But–on my honor–there is no way it will suck more than spending the rest of your life regretting not doing it.
posted by willpie at 11:21 AM on October 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

Although it's contradictory, I'd say that zadcat's off the mark but yet has a point. There are many factors that can lead to social anxiety, and some can be medical.

If you're anxious because you've never been that social, don't worry about it and just do the interview, and possibly the job, to the best of your abilities. They will hire, and maybe fire, you based on your skills and performance. That's it. You have to make a start somewhere, and this could be it. Don't be disappointed if you don't get the job, just realize that you do have skills that companies are interested in -- if these people recognized that, someone else will too.

If you know that it's a medical issue, then it's illegal for them to ask about it in an interview and is not something to be disclosed.

Most of all, this talk of them wasting any money or time is completely bullshit. Really. I helped interview five people earlier this year and we hired two. Were the other three interviews a waste of time? No, because one of the other candidates I'd consider if we had another position open, and the other two people gained experience from being interviewed and gave me a good sample of the skills available out there. If they hire you based on an interview, then they're getting what they wanted. If you don't perform, they can always let you go. That's how employment works.
posted by mikeh at 11:29 AM on October 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

Uh, zadcat, social anxiety disorder is a recognized medical condition.
posted by cmgonzalez at 11:40 AM on October 19, 2007

Social Anxiety is not a disorder or a disability, it is just called that so that drug companies can try and sell you medicine. Social Anxiety is simply lack of interpersonal skills, and like all skills it is something that you can cultivate if you take opportunities to do so.

That being said, I realize how difficult it can be to overcome, but trust me when I say that you will never do that if you just stay at home, this job is an amazing opportunity and companies actually seeking you for your skills are uncommon and you should feel really good about yourself for this.

You have no obligation to disclose this, just say that you take a while to get comfortable with people but that you are really excited about the opportunity to join their team.

This is a rare chance to turn your life around, seize it, like today!
posted by BobbyDigital at 11:41 AM on October 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

Good luck with your interview. Getting an interview is an accomplishment in and of itself and will be good experience for the next one. Keep going and apply to more jobs if this particular interview doesn't get you a job. You now know that your skills and contributions are interesting to people who hire, so take advantage of you talents.
posted by PY at 11:47 AM on October 19, 2007

I wouldn't worry about it - go meet them and take the job if they offer.

Six computer guys? The odds are pretty good a few of them having social anxiety as well. (Speaking as something of a computer geek myself.)
posted by citron at 11:50 AM on October 19, 2007

I mean IT is not like sales and marketing, they don't expect you to be super sociable! It's probably fine and normal to just sit at your computer and do your work without much social interaction. Maybe you could even arrange to do some work from home.

They expect you to be able to do what you've been doing because they saw you had good skills, that's the important thing, and again, don't worry - they wouldn't hire you if they didn't think you could do the job.
posted by citron at 11:59 AM on October 19, 2007

all the answers here are good except this:

You don't "have social anxiety" - it's not an illness like having, say, diabetes or rheumatism

which is insensitive and flat-out wrong.

Many IT jobs allow and even encourage people to work from home! if you're more comfortable with that, go ahead and ask- the worst they can do is say "no," and if they like you as much as it seems they do, they'll say "yes."

It seems like they think you're really talented, and companies will do a lot to accommodate talent. You might be pleasantly surprised.
posted by drjimmy11 at 12:15 PM on October 19, 2007

You know how rare it is for people to take initiative and send in ideas that are actually worth something?

If you find yourself scared of them during your interview, just remember that they're probably thinking "This is the guy who both knows his stuff _and_ cares? What were the odds of finding someone like that?? Hopefully he won't think we're idiots." The emails you sent them must have been an unexpected and highly pleasant surprise.

Don't worry about not having been to college, programming is an area where there's actually much respect for having taught yourself. Also, seconding citron. Either they're a lot like you or they've met enough people like you that you'll just remind them of the smart coders they went to school with who were at first incredibly shy.
posted by lullabyofbirdland at 12:16 PM on October 19, 2007

Bonus tip: if you find yourself unable to not tell them something supposedly bad about yourself, at least tell them with a smile.

"Haha! No, I have no car." :-)
posted by lullabyofbirdland at 12:21 PM on October 19, 2007

Go for it. Go for it now rather than waiting and "working on the problems" - if anything, taking a job with other people (or even just going on interviews) is one of the best ways of working on the problem. It's okay to be nervous or "not perfect" in some way.

Ditto on the advice above not to tell them specifically that you have social anxiety issues (though "I'm a little nervous" seems ok) and that worrying about them "wasting" money on you is not your responsibility. They are adults.
posted by needs more cowbell at 12:21 PM on October 19, 2007

My therapist always suggests I have an event, reward, or something planned for after a stressful event. It can be really simple like renting a movie or going out to eat but it stops the "this is all there is in the world" feelings.
posted by kristymcj at 12:38 PM on October 19, 2007

I agree with those above who say not to bring it up until after you've accepted the job.

I strongly disagree with those who dismiss social anxiety as "not a real disease." Those I know who suffer from it have difficulties in social interactions that seem very strongly analogous to the challenges of a disability. Saying it's "just a state of mind" is dismissive and insensitive to the real blockages and challenges you experience.

The person I know who seems to deal with it the best is cheerful, upfront, and matter-of-fact about it. I worked with her on the board of a non-profit, and sometimes she would say things like this: "Sorry I couldn't make that event, but my social anxiety was really up." Or: "I'd love to say yes, but I need to see how I'll be doing with my anxiety disorder."

Identifying social anxiety as a disorder is not about using illness to claim a victim role or demand accommodation.

It's about being honest with people you work with, and not getting stuck in shame and self-blame over a problem that may eventually be overcome with patience, compassion, and determination, but not on demand by a simple act of will.
posted by ottereroticist at 12:50 PM on October 19, 2007 [2 favorites]

Social Anxiety is a condition, not a state of mind. I have this pretty bad. To the point of where I will have a panic attack, literally be unable to speak to people - go mute. For me, it can range from being afraid of public speaking to literally not being able to go to a movie theater with my friends (too many people around me) or even be able to talk to someone on the phone. I go through phases where it really bothers me. I have used medications effectively to "break the cycle" and that has worked pretty well for me. I took Zoloft and used Xanax to help during the 30 or so days it took Zoloft to kick in. The good news is the meds keep it in check for me, and I can usually go back off of them after about 6 months and I get my confidence back up (here is where I will agree that much of it is mental - but I believe it to be a condition as it can be helped with medication).

Anyway, if this makes you feel any better - I am a computer programmer by trade. I eventually worked up to becoming the CEO of the 60 person company I work for - something that terrified me as I knew it would include a lot of interaction with people.

I'm going to go against the advice of most of the people here, and recommend you say something to the people who you are going to talk to. I wouldn't say social anxiety. I would say something like, "I should tell you, I'm a terribly shy person, I don't think it will effect my work long term in anyway - but I'm very nervous about the interview and meeting new people." I think you will find if you say this, they will be fine with it. In fact, any bunch of people who are not accepting of someone that is a little shy are probably people you don't want to work with anyway. Secondly, you have already warned them that you are nervous - so you don't have to worry about whether or not you will look nervous - if that makes any sense. Today I'm in pretty good shape, but I still have my bouts. I had to speak in front of about 60 people this week. I joked with a bunch of the people about how nervous I am in front of a group - that my voice would probably crack, etc, they laughed and admitted they don't like public speaking either - and I did fine.
posted by ill3 at 12:54 PM on October 19, 2007 [2 favorites]

Social Anxiety is simply lack of interpersonal skills

Uh, no it isn't. It's a real disorder. It has nothing to do with a lack of interpersonal skills. You can be the loveliest, most socially-inclined person, and even an extrovert, but if you develop the illness, it can be relatively crippling, as in the OP's case.

One of my big pet peeves is people who decide that mental illnesses are somehow second-class, imaginary disorders when they clearly affect MANY people's REAL lives every single day.
posted by cmgonzalez at 1:50 PM on October 19, 2007 [2 favorites]

Why arent you in treatment? Your state/county has some kind of low price/free therapy service. Contrary to the above comments, chronic anxiety is a real condition just like diabetes . You absolutely need to get started on addressing it. Start with this workbook if you cant see a therapist.

Ideally, you should take the job and try to remain as calm as possible. Start doing calming techniques NOW. Start addressing your issue. This job probably offers health insurance. Use it. Do not be afraid of medications.

If you have SA so badly you are failing to function then you must absolutely do something about it. Its time to address this. Putting this off just means more missed opportunities in the future. Do you want to be 36 and in the same position?
posted by damn dirty ape at 1:54 PM on October 19, 2007

Also tell yourself that if you fail at this opportunity then its not the end of the world. Keep up the good work. Keep your freelance gigs if you are more comfortable with them, but do seek treatment.

Good luck!
posted by damn dirty ape at 1:56 PM on October 19, 2007

I started a new job 2 weeks ago. On the second day, I broke down bawling when I did something wrong and the big boss chastised me. (I can't help it, I can't control it, I'm one of those who cries when I get yelled at. I've read good threads about it here on AskMe, though.) My manager was very understanding and I still have the job. I also used to have social anxiety but it helps that I'm working at a small employer with 10 people, total. You might find that few employees is nice. (I'm just guessing that the startup is small... I suppose if it's run by a big company, it could be lots of employees.) Also, what kristymcj said... plan a reward for yourself after work or on the weekends, especially for the first few weeks.
posted by IndigoRain at 2:57 PM on October 19, 2007

take it, definately. what i used to do was mention that i was "pretty shy" and if any further explanation seemed necessary i might say i was "nervous around people" or so on. definately get out there and do the interview though. it's pretty cool of them to offer you a position for this - they could be a very good employer.
posted by Dillonlikescookies at 4:07 PM on October 19, 2007

I have social anxiety, and have problems with interviews. I got an interview with a company I really wanted to work for. Their fairly incompetent manager set me up with a flight that left at 6am in the morning from the east coast, which lead me to get no sleep at all the night before. I yawned throughout the entire interview, and made a bunch of stupid statements, including one part where I called one of my interviewers an idiot.

They hired me anyway, based on skills I showed between yawns, and prior contact (they had me take a programming test). I've been here 2 1/2 year, and it's been great.

Go for it.
posted by JZig at 5:46 PM on October 19, 2007

Since others have answered your main question, I'll add an observation that I hope might also help. I notice that, having had one phone call, you wrote that this is your dream job. I wonder if, at least during the interview, your anxiety could be reduced a bit if you remember that you're assessing them and the position just as much as they're assessing you. My guess is that you can't possibly know yet if it's your dream job. Think about what you want in the job, and what you want to know about it, and go to the interview with 50% of your attention on investigating whether they match your needs, instead of 100% on worrying whether you match theirs. (Maybe this idea has more general application to anxiety-provoking social situations, too?)
posted by daisyace at 5:57 PM on October 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

FWIW, the folks at the company is probably pretty nervous / excited to meet you too- you've obviously impressed them, and they clearly need your skills and appreciate your interest in what they do.

It's hard for companies - especially small ones - to hire great people. They could probably care less about where you live and what accommodations they'll need to make to keep you happy and productive.

Good luck!
posted by jenkinsEar at 6:05 PM on October 19, 2007

I agree you shouldn't tell them unless things are bombing quite badly and you are explaining yourself briefly. That's when you mention you're nervous. Minimize the negatives, generally. It's good to be a person with the spine to admit weak points, but we shouldn't go on and on about them. Admitting them at the appropriate moment can save the day or get you some credibility and trust, I know from experience.

Is your anxiety intense, or is it a diagnosed disorder? If the latter, you could be getting some professional help with it. If the former, you can likely gradually conquer it. I bet there are lots of askmefi questions about social anxiety issues, and I find this place to be a great repository of advice by thoughtful people far more socially savvy than I will ever be.

I'm not clear how you think it is going to be a problem for you? Do you have specific situations you expect to be in that you are concerned about? I guess we have the image of a tech startup being five guys living all on top of each other in a crowded apartment, and I think it makes a lot of sense to ask about the working conditions without tipping your hand about any fears you have. It's a good skill to be able to ask neutrally but in a friendly manner and then decide later, after you consult your gut or sleep on the matter, whether this is something you want to live with. It's your choice, so try to put your fears aside while you gather the info to allow you to assess the situation. As others have said, a task can be a distraction, and this is a way of making the interviews etc just another task, ultimately even a fun one.
posted by Listener at 7:41 PM on October 19, 2007

Dude, virtually every young tech guy on the planet has some sort of social issues. Trust me; I have mother hen-ed at plenty of startups. You will not be the biggest freak in the bunch, and even if you are, remember that they are hiring you to perform a technical job, not a social one.

Absolutely go for it. Be confident in your skills, which is what they want from you, after all!
posted by DarlingBri at 1:59 AM on October 20, 2007

To echo many of the above. Do not voluteer information to potential employers about medical concerns including mental health issues until you are given a job offer.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 6:28 AM on October 20, 2007