Forever Alone?
September 13, 2011 4:05 PM   Subscribe

Whenever I don't make friends in a situation, I blame myself and feel bad. How should I approach this?

I've been in my job over a year and haven't made any friends. People will say hello and things, but I don't have anyone to eat lunch with.

People work in different position types and levels (I'm purposely being vague) with varying levels of interaction among them. My type is somewhat unique and I don't work as closely with others, plus I've made friends at school and other jobs (who I'm still friends with), so at first I ascribed the lack of friends to the nature of my job and the type of people who work there. But I've observed others making friends just fine across levels and positions, so now I blame myself.

I react in one of two ways: I withdraw -- stop saying hello first, don't go to functions, etc. Then I beat myself up. You need to be friendly to make friends, you need to be outgoing, I tell myself. So then I go to an event, people don't seem interested in talking to me, or barely acknowledge my greeting in the hall, and I just feel bad then too. Or I try too hard and try to make everything I say perfectly witty or smart (which makes me anxious because I feel the need to be perfect) and beat myself up afterward if it's not.

I've been agonizing over this. I've also started comparing myself to other people a lot. Do I have enough friends? Enough dates? Maybe I AM a loser. Maybe I'm NOT as likable as I thought.

I have struggled with self-esteem problems for a long time (yes, I've done therapy but it's not an option now). I also got picked on severely in middle school (and had no friends) and it really traumatized me. It was twenty years ago, but I still feel get those feelings of...almost gratefulness when people are friends with me.

I want to be secure in myself and not feel so blown about by people's reactions to me or what I see happening with others. I want the person that my friends like to shine through all the time, even around people I don't know well and in high-pressure social situations. And how do I deal with this specific work situation? Thanks.
posted by anonymous to Work & Money (16 answers total) 14 users marked this as a favorite
 
My husband works in a field where it's very easy for him to make friends at work (although this wasn't true at the beginning) and I work in a field where it's not so much. (I say this only to point out that there are different types of workplaces with varying degree of ease or difficulty in making friends) When I first graduated, this was really a hard adjustment for me because I assumed that since I'd been making friends at school all my life, when I went to work I would make my friends there. But I ended up working in very small offices with people who were a lot older or who had different values etc., etc.

Eventually, I stopped worrying about it and realized that I would have to make my friends outside of work. So I joined a volunteering group and a community group and made my friends there. Eventually, I met my husband through one of the volunteer groups and I've made a lot of really good friends through him.

And now, I've actually come to appreciate that my work life is completely separate from my personal life.

So take the pressure off yourself and don't worry so much about making friends at work. Focus on doing your job and being courteous and professional at work and don't worry so much about making friends. Then put more effort into making friends outside of work.
posted by bananafish at 4:29 PM on September 13, 2011 [2 favorites]


A failure to find friends doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. Sometimes it just happens that the people you're thrown together with in working hours are not your kind of people. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with any of them either, by the way.

It seems to me that the main thing that's going wrong for you is the pressure you're feeling to conform to some kind of external ideal of how many friends you should have and what those friendships should look like. It further seems to me that if you're not currently spending significant amounts of time actively seeking out people outside the circles you currently move in, then your present self-contained condition is probably in fact quite acceptable to you.

There is also nothing unhealthy, in my opinion, in feeling gratitude when somebody you like appears to want to spend time with you. Being friendly is a good thing, and it's only natural to be grateful to other people who provide us with good things. What would be unhealthy, in my opinion, is pressure to pay for that feeling of gratitude in some way. I don't believe that the good life is primarily transactional - a matter of exchanging value for value; I believe that the good life is mainly about giving for its own sake to the maximum extent we're comfortable with. and that gratitude is pretty much the icing on that cake.

I want the person that my friends like to shine through all the time, even around people I don't know well and in high-pressure social situations.

You cannot, and should not waste your time attempting to, control other people's reactions to you. Never has been done, can't be done, never will be done. You can provoke certain expected reactions (by the way you present yourself, the way you dress, the way you speak and so forth) but control? Never.

The person your friends like is you, and you already shine through all the time. If your colleagues don't react to that person the same way your friends do, that will be because they're colleagues and not friends.

And how do I deal with this specific work situation?

Do your work as best you can, and pay as much attention as you have to spare to the lives of the people around you in case any of them do turn out to have more in common with you than you thought. And if they don't: let that be. Most people don't find their best friends at work.
posted by flabdablet at 4:33 PM on September 13, 2011 [2 favorites]


As far as work goes, you're only failing friend-wise if it's your job to make friends.

As far as finding someone to eat lunch with, you just have to pick the person you like the best and say, "hey, want to grab lunch?" It might be a little weird since you've been there a year and you're just asking, but roll with it. Then, ask them again. Maybe make a little calendar reminder to ask periodically since it's not natural for you. Of course, I assume that one of your goals is to eat lunch with a co-worker and you are not wanting to eat with co-workers for some vague "cool kids do it" reason.
posted by michaelh at 4:34 PM on September 13, 2011 [1 favorite]


Can you ask someone that you think you might like if they want to have lunch? If that's too scary, can you strike up an intentional conversation with someone you think you might like, hoping that it will eventually lead to lunch?

If other people are making friends, can you observe what they are doing and try those things, too?

Saying "don't blame yourself," is not that helpful because you probably wouldn't be doing it if you could stop. But it helps me to frame self-blame as a form of selfishness, which turns me off to it. Nothing in the world is about me alone. There are lots of factors at play, and I can give myself and others a pass when I realize all the different components in a situation. You've listed a couple here that I see: being unique and not working so closely with others. Those are valid, so remind yourself of those things and other factors when you start to self-blame. Because, honestly, that isn't helping your situation.

It might help you to make a list of thoughts that you're having that cause you to withdraw or beat yourself up. Do you see how the thought of "They didn't acknowledge me" leading to the thought of, "I suck," don't add up? There are thousand reasons why someone wouldn't acknowledge you to a sufficient level, and most of them are not even about who you are as a person. And, if they don't know you, how could it possibly be about you as a person?

It's normal to want to be perfectly witty and smart. I often get bummed over things I wish I'd said or done. But, in the end, I wave my hand. Whatever. I did my best with the material I had at the time. Also worth noting, if I am around the right people, I don't worry so much about being perfect.

And, honestly, you probably don't truly WANT to be friends with most of these people. Not that they are bad or you are bad, but think about how many people you truly click with. For me, I can think of about five right off the bat. I'd guess there is about ten or fifteen in my entire life. I think it's normal to not jibe with everyone. And that's cool, 'cause it means you're an individual.

It also helps me to define what I want in friendships. When I can articulate that I mostly click with people who have dark senses of humor, it helps me see that I am not destined to be friends with everyone and also helps me appreciate my own personality.

I hope this helps. Good luck!
posted by amodelcitizen at 4:35 PM on September 13, 2011 [1 favorite]


If you want to make friends, make them! It really isn't so hard to do, unless you are truly, painfully shy. Shy in/so/far/as you hesitate to ask questions of others. People, by and large, want to talk about themselves and their lives.

As opposed to "How's it going?" ask a specific question, such as "Where did you find those earrings/that wallet/those boots/?" Questions are everything, and I am not being fake about this.

Nothing tells another person that you actually are interested in his/her situation than asking a simple question.

And no, I am not in marketing. I am a mom.
posted by emhutchinson at 4:39 PM on September 13, 2011 [2 favorites]


Whenever I don't make friends in a situation

That's setting the bar pretty high. Nobody makes friends in every conversation. Making one real friend over the course of a few months would be an accomplishment. (an accomplishment for me at least)

I've also started comparing myself to other people a lot. Do I have enough friends?

There's no way of comparing. Extroverts need lots of friends, introverts might need only a few. Judging yourself is creating the illusion that there is an objective standard that you're falling short of (fact: you need 8.6 friends) but it just ain't so. Feeling depressed and self-judgmental will make any degree of friendliness on your part seem inadequate.

It might be untrue that they find you uninteresting. You may be projecting, assuming that other people see you the way you see yourself.

When in doubt, ask questions and listen. No one finds a good listener uninteresting.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 4:39 PM on September 13, 2011 [1 favorite]


Meant to say "more than," sorry.
posted by emhutchinson at 4:42 PM on September 13, 2011


MetaFilter: No one finds a good listener uninteresting.
posted by emhutchinson at 4:43 PM on September 13, 2011 [1 favorite]


I'm pretty friendly I think and I know a lot of people at my work but having 'work friends' is kind of a bonus, not a requirement. Is it the british office or extras where they say the only thing you really have in common is that you're treading on the same piece of carpet together all day?

You have to rely on real life friends who, like someone above mentioned, you probably met at school or through some other previous hobby or activity. DO NOT read so much into casual work encounters, people are busy, stressed and often in a bad mood at work. (or is that just me?).

Just be friendly enough 'hey, what's up?', 'did you get those reports in?', 'can you believe it's raining again?' etc.

The one for sure good thing about getting older is that you are NOT in high school or middle school anymore, no one is spending (no one you want to be friends with!) their time judging you, and you definitely should not waste one more evening worrying about whether work people like you or not, take up bowling or something else instead. They have to like you enough so that you are not having issues or at risk of being fired but anything else is just gravy. (You need to get your social needs met outside of work I guess is what I'm trying to say.)
posted by bquarters at 4:59 PM on September 13, 2011


A failure to find friends doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. Sometimes it just happens that the people you're thrown together with in working hours are not your kind of people. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with any of them either, by the way.

Seconding this. I always felt uneasy about going to any of the dinners or parties my office held, because I didn't really relate to any of them and once we got out of the office there was really nothing for me to talk about with them. But I felt like I should, and got uneasy about not wanting to.

Then I noticed one of the other secretaries never went to the parties. One day I asked her in passing, "so you're not going to the Christmas party?" She just raised an eyebrow and stared at me a second and said, "No. I have a life."

It was one of the best work-life balance lessons I ever got. Sometimes it's okay for your work people to just be people you see at work, and not be "buddy-buddy" friends with them. Friend-LY, yes, but not necessary "friends." Becuase you've GOT friends, and you've GOT a life outside the office.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:16 PM on September 13, 2011


I don't know what the turnover rate is at your workplace, but one thing that really helped for me was simply not being the newest person anymore. For the first few months of work I had a situation similar to what you describe--people were friendly but definitely not my friends. I now believe that this is because they had established relationships from before I showed up and were also entrenched in their routines (including eating lunch at their desks). About 8 months into my job, I got a new coworker and lo and behold, he wanted to go out for lunch too and now we hang out all the time.

So if there are new people you might like, I'd ask them to lunch; and also bear in mind that it may be them being lame and set in their ways, not you.

(Another more concrete suggestion is just to get to talking about food generally; the first real friendly conversation I remember having with a coworker centered around how we wanted to get breakfast for lunch one day (pancakes, etc). Though we never did it, it did make us friendlier to each other afterwards.)
posted by mlle valentine at 5:44 PM on September 13, 2011


Mmm...I know what you mean. See if you can take it all less personally and keep reminding yourself that you have friends and a life outside of work. Maybe they're not your people. Do you have a few really good friends that you talk to on a regular basis (non-work friends?) As my therapist would say, you're doing better than most. You can be the friendly person who says "hi how are ya" as you pass in the halls and isn't everyone's BFF. I can also be a bit isolated and feel shunned sometimes, but I just make it a point to say hi to people I know as I pass because I don't like pretending I don't see them and, plus, I like it when people say hi to me. My husband is a pretty friendly guy but never wants to eat lunch or really make friends with work people because he doesn't want to talk about work on his breaks, and that's what ends up happening at his office. He loves to take a book or puzzle and go sit somewhere. Would that work for you? Is there a good book, funny podcast, knitting project or something else you can do during lunch that will remind you of your interests, what you find fun and interesting? Or if you feel lonely, how about grabbing a cup of coffee with someone? Less pressure.
posted by hellochula at 7:33 PM on September 13, 2011


how do I deal with this specific work situation?

I have this friend who makes friends everywhere she goes, and it's been really interesting for me to watch her.

Three things I've noticed about her:

1. She is a total bon vivant, super friendly, outgoing, talkative, etc. And sometimes she is really annoying. And sometimes she yak's away to people at times where it seems to me that they clearly are zoning out or want to be left alone, or they're working and talking to her to be polite (like a bartender), or they think she is vapid. She seems oblivious to this.

Not that I think you should swing to this extreme, because there are people who take this way too far and they also end up without friends. But I think getting a little to closer to this, being a little more oblivious to whether or not people are hanging with great interest onto your every word, is something a lot of these making-friends-everywhere people do.

2. She's willing to be friends with almost anyone. She kind of has the Paris Hilton look going on so I would have expected her to be kind of... "exclusive" about who she makes friends with. No. She talks to everyone, and hangs out with everyone who wants to hang out with her, even if they're twice her age, or severely dorky like me, or whatever. She does avoid creepy dudes though (mostly).

3. Even though she has lots of friends, she doesn't have lots of good friends. Her contacts list in her phone is huge, her birthday party is small. I have noticed this so many times with friends-everywhere people (specifically the small birthday party thing); I think it's a cliche for a reason that people often have many friendships of varying depth or few deep friendships. I can only think of one friends-everywhere person in my whole life who was actually really good friends with many of those people. So, don't feel too bad.
posted by Ashley801 at 11:10 PM on September 13, 2011


Seconding what mlle valentine said. Sometimes these things take time. I moved to a new state where I knew no one, and it took me about a year to really make friends at my new job. That was a long, rough year. My suggestion is to really let your ego go. You do not have to say anything interesting. Just say something. At one point, I decided I was determined to make friends and move up in the company, so I bought some new clothes (to make me feel more confident) and made a conscious effort to smile and talk to everyone as I went through the halls, in the breakroom, in the parking lot, wherever. Pretend you're a little drunk and you don't care about anyone's reactions. You're just having such a great time, and you have to talk to somebody about it.

When I first started doing this, it was really out of character for me, but after a while, I actually felt as positive as I was pretending to feel, and I found myself chatting with tons of people. Once people realize they get a good, positive feeling out of talking to you, they'll come back for more. So I guess my suggestions is to fake it 'til you make it. If you believe you are hopelessly charming and everyone loves you, it will probably come true sooner than you think.
posted by alittlecloser at 6:15 AM on September 14, 2011


I'm going to answer before I read the other responces- You're self talk is so harsh! You sound wonderful-I'd love to have you as a friend. It sound to me like you need to become friends with YOURSELF. Take up some solitary hobbies- photography, gardening, reading etc that way you don't need other people to be 'doing something', and 'by yourself' does not mean 'alone'. I wish I knew some majic answer, but even as secure with myself as I am (NOW! 30 something years on!) I still feel like this sometimes. And I still relive the painful moments I was bullied (bullied is too nice a word- I was BROKEN in middle school!) from time to time. That really does not go away completly either.

It *is* hard to make friends at work vs school. At school everyone is about the same age, around the same income level (most of the time), and you all have shared expierences to discuss. Flash to the work world- people from all walks of life, ages, family situitations, health problems, and temprements all converge in one place. Right now, in my office is a 40 year old single mother whose child has a critical illness; a happily childless 67 year old; one fitness fanatic; one MEGA religious person; and one rich and bitter grouchy loves-to-be-miserable old witch. And me. Not one of us has anything in common. At. All. But we've become 'work friends'

OP-I can't tell if you are male or female, but you can make yourself a list of topics that everybody responds to. Here we talk recipies, news, and the silly things our dogs do. Its an automatic conversation that anybody can join in. It has helped all of us be friendly without getting into our personal lives.

Please be much kinder to yourself.
posted by Frosted Cactus at 8:54 AM on September 14, 2011 [1 favorite]


How would you judge someone else for not making friends in every situation?
posted by callmejay at 10:29 AM on September 14, 2011


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