How to deal with a clingy friend?
September 13, 2011 4:05 PM Subscribe
How to deal with a clingy friend?
I work with friend who IMs me every day, without fail. Every morning to say "good morning" or for a coffee break, lunch, walk break, etc. I now hardly ever do any of these things with this person. So I wonder why I'm still getting the messages to this frequency. They are annoying, but I'm not sure how to tell them that it's annoying. About half the time, I ignore the messages. The other half, I shoot off a short reply like, "nope, busy."
Just this past week, I asked them for a coffee break (I rarely do this). They asked me, could I wait 30 minutes? I said, 'I have a meeting in 30 minutes, so some other time, then' and let it trail off. Then they dropped whatever they were doing and said they could meet me now. I'm. so. sick. of. this.
The person was a good friend of mine. And it's someone I can still count on. But really, I can't hang out with this person 1-on-1 because they are driving me crazy. I hate to throw away a friendship if I don't have to. There aren't really that many people I can rely on in my life. Is this thing over or is there anything I can say to salvage it?
Once, we got into a quasi-fight about this, and I told them they needed other friends. It kind of took, but not all the way, seeing as I'm still getting these daily barrage of messages.
I work with friend who IMs me every day, without fail. Every morning to say "good morning" or for a coffee break, lunch, walk break, etc. I now hardly ever do any of these things with this person. So I wonder why I'm still getting the messages to this frequency. They are annoying, but I'm not sure how to tell them that it's annoying. About half the time, I ignore the messages. The other half, I shoot off a short reply like, "nope, busy."
Just this past week, I asked them for a coffee break (I rarely do this). They asked me, could I wait 30 minutes? I said, 'I have a meeting in 30 minutes, so some other time, then' and let it trail off. Then they dropped whatever they were doing and said they could meet me now. I'm. so. sick. of. this.
The person was a good friend of mine. And it's someone I can still count on. But really, I can't hang out with this person 1-on-1 because they are driving me crazy. I hate to throw away a friendship if I don't have to. There aren't really that many people I can rely on in my life. Is this thing over or is there anything I can say to salvage it?
Once, we got into a quasi-fight about this, and I told them they needed other friends. It kind of took, but not all the way, seeing as I'm still getting these daily barrage of messages.
You don't have to be an asshole to set boundaries. Make a date for coffee for a week away. If your friend knows that they've got a date with you then they might stop anxiously pestering you. Keep making dates for the future. However, if you really don't want to see this person at all, then you'll have to find a way to make this clear, gently and compassionately.
posted by firstdrop at 4:32 PM on September 13, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by firstdrop at 4:32 PM on September 13, 2011 [2 favorites]
I have exactly the same problem, and I deal with it by replying "good morning" to their "good morning" then essentially ignoring them for the rest of the day. i try to do it in a chatty way, like "hi, how's it going?" then leaving the conversation. This person is extremely needful, but has a weird arrogant streak, so as soon as a conversation does start it's invariably wonderful things about themselves. I would like to block them, but that would be weird. Sorry for co opting your post.
posted by the noob at 4:50 PM on September 13, 2011
posted by the noob at 4:50 PM on September 13, 2011
Replying to an IM asking to hang out = "I'd like that, but not right now."
Ignoring an IM = "I don't want to hang out."
You can't change how this person interacts with you, but you can definitely give him/her much clearer signals about your current desire for friendship.
posted by trevyn at 4:51 PM on September 13, 2011
Ignoring an IM = "I don't want to hang out."
You can't change how this person interacts with you, but you can definitely give him/her much clearer signals about your current desire for friendship.
posted by trevyn at 4:51 PM on September 13, 2011
Is it an opposite-sex friend doing the Nice Guy thing? Or just a clingy friend? Either way, sit down and explain it.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 4:54 PM on September 13, 2011
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 4:54 PM on September 13, 2011
I wouldn't throw away a perfectly good work-relationship-friendship because they IM you too much. Make yourself invisible on IM. Or if you have to use it for some other work purpose then I like the idea of making set dates to chat. Don't lie and don't accuse her of being weird or clingy if you want to keep her as a friend.
posted by bleep at 5:00 PM on September 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by bleep at 5:00 PM on September 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
"Just this past week, I asked them for a coffee break (I rarely do this). They asked me, could I wait 30 minutes? I said, 'I have a meeting in 30 minutes, so some other time, then' and let it trail off. Then they dropped whatever they were doing and said they could meet me now. I'm. so. sick. of. this."
I really don't understand why this is a bad thing.
posted by Takeyourtime at 5:05 PM on September 13, 2011 [32 favorites]
I really don't understand why this is a bad thing.
posted by Takeyourtime at 5:05 PM on September 13, 2011 [32 favorites]
"Just this past week, I asked them for a coffee break (I rarely do this). They asked me, could I wait 30 minutes? I said, 'I have a meeting in 30 minutes, so some other time, then' and let it trail off. Then they dropped whatever they were doing and said they could meet me now. I'm. so. sick. of. this."
I really don't understand why this is a bad thing.
Seriously. Did you want to have coffee with them at that time or were you just jerking them around? I'm practically allergic to clingy people, but you are sending some weird mixed messages and that's pretty unfair. You need to decide exactly what it is you want, because being annoyed with them and then asking them out for coffee is lame.
Tell them you can't be distracted by texts at work if that's what's bugging you. This is a perfectly reasonable request. Otherwise, if you still rely on this person as you say, you need to suck it up. Friendship can't be on your terms alone.
posted by oneirodynia at 5:36 PM on September 13, 2011 [14 favorites]
I really don't understand why this is a bad thing.
Seriously. Did you want to have coffee with them at that time or were you just jerking them around? I'm practically allergic to clingy people, but you are sending some weird mixed messages and that's pretty unfair. You need to decide exactly what it is you want, because being annoyed with them and then asking them out for coffee is lame.
Tell them you can't be distracted by texts at work if that's what's bugging you. This is a perfectly reasonable request. Otherwise, if you still rely on this person as you say, you need to suck it up. Friendship can't be on your terms alone.
posted by oneirodynia at 5:36 PM on September 13, 2011 [14 favorites]
Unless your company uses instant messaging for work purposes, it seems a bit conflicting that you are IMing during work hours AND you don't want to chat with people. Instant messaging is often seen as a non-work activity, and she might interpret your online status as you not having any other work obligations at the moment. Having an online status is like having a store with an open/close sign on the door, if you don't want people to come to your store, then don't have the store display the "open" sign, otherwise you will be obligated to serve who ever comes in. Likewise, if you have an online status on your IM account, IMO you shouldn't be complaining that people are IMing you. It seems that you can be online AND you can also dictate when others can and cannot contact you. If you don't want to be contacted, then don't go online.
Also, I also have a hunch that she's probably bored at work and likes to IM people out of boredom, so you can bet that you aren't her only victim.
If I were you, I wouldn't tell her to stop IMing you. This is not going to keep her from logging in to her IM account and seeing your online status. If you're online all the time (and she's likely to see this since she seems to be online all the time too) and you've imposed a rule that she isn't allowed to chat with you, she will probably make the assumption that other people are still chatting with you, but you don't like to chat with her. While that may be true, it's going to come off mean and will probably hurt her feelings.
If it were me, I'd stop giving her conflicting statements and either turn off IM while I'm at work, or, at the very least, make myself invisible to the world so I appear offline. If she comments that you aren't online as much anymore, just say that work caught up with you and you don't have that much time to chat. The justification will seem less targeted at her, and is less likely to hurt feelings.
posted by nikkorizz at 5:42 PM on September 13, 2011 [3 favorites]
Also, I also have a hunch that she's probably bored at work and likes to IM people out of boredom, so you can bet that you aren't her only victim.
If I were you, I wouldn't tell her to stop IMing you. This is not going to keep her from logging in to her IM account and seeing your online status. If you're online all the time (and she's likely to see this since she seems to be online all the time too) and you've imposed a rule that she isn't allowed to chat with you, she will probably make the assumption that other people are still chatting with you, but you don't like to chat with her. While that may be true, it's going to come off mean and will probably hurt her feelings.
If it were me, I'd stop giving her conflicting statements and either turn off IM while I'm at work, or, at the very least, make myself invisible to the world so I appear offline. If she comments that you aren't online as much anymore, just say that work caught up with you and you don't have that much time to chat. The justification will seem less targeted at her, and is less likely to hurt feelings.
posted by nikkorizz at 5:42 PM on September 13, 2011 [3 favorites]
Just this past week, I asked them for a coffee break (I rarely do this). They asked me, could I wait 30 minutes? I said, 'I have a meeting in 30 minutes, so some other time, then' and let it trail off. Then they dropped whatever they were doing and said they could meet me now. I'm. so. sick. of. this.
So you asked them to a coffee break, and they accommodated your schedule? You're part of the problem, because the behavior you just described there is perfectly reasonable and normal, and actually thoughtful, not clingy. It is only clingy because you don't want it, and yet you (at least once worth mentioning) encouraged it.
If you just want her to go away and not bother you, you'll have to just ignore her completely. If you want her to be a friend you can "still count on", then it is going to require maintenance. And if you're not willing to put in that maintenance, then ignore her completely beyond in-the-hall hellos, always turn down her requests politely, and don't expect her to be able to be counted on.
I might also notice that you told her she "needs other friends", not "you need to stop being my friend." Why don't you just set the boundaries that make you comfortable, enforce them when you need to, and let her decide if that makes her happy or not? If that means typing "too busy to be social" three times a day every day in IM, well, that's just three sentences. If you want it to stop, you'll have to grow a pair and tell her, and suffer the fallout.
posted by davejay at 6:08 PM on September 13, 2011 [2 favorites]
So you asked them to a coffee break, and they accommodated your schedule? You're part of the problem, because the behavior you just described there is perfectly reasonable and normal, and actually thoughtful, not clingy. It is only clingy because you don't want it, and yet you (at least once worth mentioning) encouraged it.
If you just want her to go away and not bother you, you'll have to just ignore her completely. If you want her to be a friend you can "still count on", then it is going to require maintenance. And if you're not willing to put in that maintenance, then ignore her completely beyond in-the-hall hellos, always turn down her requests politely, and don't expect her to be able to be counted on.
I might also notice that you told her she "needs other friends", not "you need to stop being my friend." Why don't you just set the boundaries that make you comfortable, enforce them when you need to, and let her decide if that makes her happy or not? If that means typing "too busy to be social" three times a day every day in IM, well, that's just three sentences. If you want it to stop, you'll have to grow a pair and tell her, and suffer the fallout.
posted by davejay at 6:08 PM on September 13, 2011 [2 favorites]
Let's say you keep the friendship. You get somebody you can 'count on' if, on some rare occasion, you need them, but who is otherwise absent and silent; they get...what, exactly? Just end it.
posted by obiwanwasabi at 8:23 PM on September 13, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by obiwanwasabi at 8:23 PM on September 13, 2011 [4 favorites]
Christ, stop with the mixed signals and friend dump this person already.
posted by J. Wilson at 9:12 PM on September 13, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by J. Wilson at 9:12 PM on September 13, 2011 [3 favorites]
Turn off IM, make yourself invisible, or block your friend.
Then, make dates ahead of time to get together with your friend for coffee or whatever. If they ask you why you are not online anymore, just say that it's too distracting while you are at work. If they call you during work hours, you can say the same thing. This way you have more control, and can maintain the friendship since you do care about this person.
posted by bearette at 9:21 PM on September 13, 2011 [3 favorites]
Then, make dates ahead of time to get together with your friend for coffee or whatever. If they ask you why you are not online anymore, just say that it's too distracting while you are at work. If they call you during work hours, you can say the same thing. This way you have more control, and can maintain the friendship since you do care about this person.
posted by bearette at 9:21 PM on September 13, 2011 [3 favorites]
Just this past week, I asked them for a coffee break (I rarely do this). They asked me, could I wait 30 minutes? I said, 'I have a meeting in 30 minutes, so some other time, then' and let it trail off. Then they dropped whatever they were doing and said they could meet me now. I'm. so. sick. of. this.
I'm also really confused (and a little bothered) by this. Were you annoyed because this person shuffled their schedule to meet you right then? or did you really not want to get coffee with them at all? How is it clinginess on their part if you were the one who asked them to get coffee?
Honestly, I'm not seeing what the issue is with the IMs -- that doesn't sound like an excessive amount of contact, unless the person is sending them every two minutes or something. If you don't want to chat with people at work, either turn off IM or make yourself invisible.
posted by sarcasticah at 12:46 AM on September 14, 2011 [3 favorites]
I'm also really confused (and a little bothered) by this. Were you annoyed because this person shuffled their schedule to meet you right then? or did you really not want to get coffee with them at all? How is it clinginess on their part if you were the one who asked them to get coffee?
Honestly, I'm not seeing what the issue is with the IMs -- that doesn't sound like an excessive amount of contact, unless the person is sending them every two minutes or something. If you don't want to chat with people at work, either turn off IM or make yourself invisible.
posted by sarcasticah at 12:46 AM on September 14, 2011 [3 favorites]
email:
Dear Workfriend, I've decided that I'm going to try to improve my focus and use IM only for work-related stuff, so I probably won't be replying to mostly chatty messages. Wanted to let you know since you IM me a lot. Wanna do a lunchtime walk on [day after tomorrow]day?
then change your IM status to "working, focused".
posted by aimedwander at 5:26 AM on September 14, 2011 [3 favorites]
Dear Workfriend, I've decided that I'm going to try to improve my focus and use IM only for work-related stuff, so I probably won't be replying to mostly chatty messages. Wanted to let you know since you IM me a lot. Wanna do a lunchtime walk on [day after tomorrow]day?
then change your IM status to "working, focused".
posted by aimedwander at 5:26 AM on September 14, 2011 [3 favorites]
You invited this friend to go for coffee, and then were annoyed that they accommodated you and went? Are you annoyed because you perceive them as spineless and overeager, and would like them to be more independent? [in other words, you want to change the person they are] ... or, were you making a half-hearted attempt to be friendly while silently hoping they'd be too busy to accept your invitation? Neither of these sounds healthy to me.
You mention you used to be good friends, and now you seem to be blowing off their attempts to re-connect with you, 99% of the time. If this was a stranger, I'd agree that they should take the hint, and advise you to turn off the IM or block them and leave it at that.
With a friend, even if you do not want to be friends any more, I think it shows respect to be more explicit, as in "Hey, sorry, I really cannot hang out during lunch breaks any more". Define your boundaries, and stick to them. Decide how much time you want to spend together, if at all, and communicate that to your co-worker. But also, respect theirs. Telling someone they need other friends is controlling and disrespectful. While there is nothing wrong with saying "I feel bad when you expect me to fulfil all your needs", it's none of your business how many other friends this person has.
But really, I can't hang out with this person 1-on-1 because they are driving me crazy.
If you can't, then don't. You are not making them any favors by being a martyr about it. Tell them you'll be unavailable for hanging out, and then block them on IM.
Good friends may be hard to come by, but it's not fair to keep somebody on the back-burner in case you need them in the future. If you truly want to salvage this friendship because it's important to you *now*, be open with them. Listen, I like hanging out with you, but I do not want to spend all day IMing - how about planning a weekly lunchdate on Thursdays/meeting for drinks first Sunday of the month?
On preview, aimedwander's email sounds perfect to me.
posted by M. at 5:36 AM on September 14, 2011 [7 favorites]
You mention you used to be good friends, and now you seem to be blowing off their attempts to re-connect with you, 99% of the time. If this was a stranger, I'd agree that they should take the hint, and advise you to turn off the IM or block them and leave it at that.
With a friend, even if you do not want to be friends any more, I think it shows respect to be more explicit, as in "Hey, sorry, I really cannot hang out during lunch breaks any more". Define your boundaries, and stick to them. Decide how much time you want to spend together, if at all, and communicate that to your co-worker. But also, respect theirs. Telling someone they need other friends is controlling and disrespectful. While there is nothing wrong with saying "I feel bad when you expect me to fulfil all your needs", it's none of your business how many other friends this person has.
But really, I can't hang out with this person 1-on-1 because they are driving me crazy.
If you can't, then don't. You are not making them any favors by being a martyr about it. Tell them you'll be unavailable for hanging out, and then block them on IM.
Good friends may be hard to come by, but it's not fair to keep somebody on the back-burner in case you need them in the future. If you truly want to salvage this friendship because it's important to you *now*, be open with them. Listen, I like hanging out with you, but I do not want to spend all day IMing - how about planning a weekly lunchdate on Thursdays/meeting for drinks first Sunday of the month?
On preview, aimedwander's email sounds perfect to me.
posted by M. at 5:36 AM on September 14, 2011 [7 favorites]
Normally I'd say set your status to Busy, or go Invisible, or have a separate IM account for work and friends, or just don't respond to all of her messages.
But TBH it sounds like you have a low opinion of this friend, don't like her, and are only keeping her around in case you need her in the future. If you had written this about me and I ever saw it, the friendship would be over anyway. I think the nicest thing you can do, considering the situation, is fade.
posted by tel3path at 1:42 AM on September 15, 2011
But TBH it sounds like you have a low opinion of this friend, don't like her, and are only keeping her around in case you need her in the future. If you had written this about me and I ever saw it, the friendship would be over anyway. I think the nicest thing you can do, considering the situation, is fade.
posted by tel3path at 1:42 AM on September 15, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
It sounds like you need to sit down with this person and explain that you really value their friendship but that you also need to be able to concentrate on your job. I've got a co-worker who is like this, he'll call and blather on and on about his boss's idiotic tendencies. After a little bit, I say I've got work to do and maybe we can talk about it over a beer.
Set your boundaries, let them know you have set boundaries and then stick by those boundaries.
Sometimes we have to be a little jerky to avoid being assholes.
posted by fenriq at 4:13 PM on September 13, 2011 [2 favorites]