Help me win a mustache contest

October 10, 2007 5:16 PM

I've entered a mustache competition at work, which will last three weeks from shaving this morning. My coworkers will be voting throughout these three weeks, but I expect mostly at the end. There are no defined criteria for winning, but I'm guessing fullness will be a major factor. Is there anything I can do to cause my mustache to grow more fully in the next three weeks and/or anything else I might do (styling, accessories, etc.) to make my mustache the sort of mustache likely to be judged "best" by whatever criteria people judge mustaches?
posted by scottreynen to Clothing, Beauty, & Fashion (24 answers total)

I don't have scientific proof here but I'm going to suggest a protein-rich diet and plenty of sleep.
posted by zek at 5:22 PM on October 10, 2007

Grow out the rest of your facial hair simultaneously with the mustache. At the end of the three weeks, shave everything but the mustache. This will make it really stick out.
posted by billysumday at 5:25 PM on October 10, 2007 [2 favorites]

Handlebars provoke a very clear, strong reaction: Guys usually love them, girls universally hate them.

I'd grow the full under the chin stache like the one I have.

Trust me on this one - this is what I look like right now.

It's getting shaved tomorrow. It's been a long six months.
posted by davey_darling at 5:26 PM on October 10, 2007

My soul patch (and, unfortunately, my former five-hair back patch) started coming in a little thicker when I started running five miles a day. I think the increased metabolism makes *everything* bump up.
posted by notsnot at 5:30 PM on October 10, 2007

3 weeks isn't too long a time for a mustache contest, as davey_darling suggests. In that short a span of time, I don't think there is a lot you can do that's going to vastly accelerate the average growth rate of facial hair. But I do find that my beard grows somewhat faster in hot weather, when I'm working hard outdoors, and getting really sweaty every day. Conversely, in winter, if my face gets numbingly cold for a couple hours, sometimes I can get away with not shaving for one day.

So, keep your face warm and flushed with exertion, I guess.
posted by paulsc at 5:34 PM on October 10, 2007

Consult this handy chart, pick a couple of likely candidates, and trim to suit. Since it's only three weeks, if it looks like you've overreached, you can fall back to a simpler style. Also, moustache wax never hurt anyone.
posted by zamboni at 5:41 PM on October 10, 2007

Be sure to exfoliate and moisturize. Make sure you shave everything else right before. Good luck, brother-in-stache.
posted by ludwig_van at 5:50 PM on October 10, 2007

Maybe you can brush women's eye lash makeup stuff on it. There are lots of shampoos that claim to make each strand of hair get more girth because of a chemical that is in the shampoo. It's for people with thin hair. It usually says "enhancer" or something like that on the bottle. Go to any salon to get some.

I just remembered--that stuff is called "mascara."
posted by HotPatatta at 5:53 PM on October 10, 2007

Watch 30% more episodes of magnum P.I. than any of your competitors. Growing the 'stache is one thing, but learning how to rock the 'stache is a whole other thing.

Oh, and the wife says there is some such thing as "hair and nail vitamins" that promote growth.
posted by jlowen at 6:13 PM on October 10, 2007 [8 favorites]

Hair and nail vitamins usually contain large amounts of Biotin. It really does promote facial hair growth, even on women. Search on nail forums and you will see women hoping for longer nails complaining about becoming more hirsute. You can only absorb about 1000 mg of biotin at a time, so if you want to really dose up on it, take 1000 mg tablets several times a day. I don't know if you can overdose. Probably not? You should start to see a difference within 3 weeks.
posted by emyd at 6:25 PM on October 10, 2007

mane n tail shampoo and conditioner. if you're really serious, buy the horse version instead of the human version...

seconding the whole thomas magnum experience... watch the 'stache, become the 'stache. if you could pull up in a ferrari and wearing shorty-short-shorts and the right sunglasses, that'd probably clinch it.
posted by dorian at 6:40 PM on October 10, 2007 [2 favorites]

How hilarious!

I'm sorry to say you are a few weeks too early, Movember hasn't started yet. I sponsored one of my clients last year, and he had heaps of fun with it. Could you consider postponing your competition til next month and become a Mo Bro? Have your own competition amongst the larger Mo growing extravaganza, get your co-workers to fork over some cash, and impress chicks with your humour and awareness. Hell, I'll sponsor you if you do it!
posted by goshling at 7:02 PM on October 10, 2007

I organized a mustache March last year. I’m actually wearing handlebars right now, but before the contest I usually had a full beard. I won a “dirtlip” prize by doing the unexpected: after a month of growth, I trimmed it down to a small, neat line, similar to the Guy Fawkes mask from V for Vendetta.
posted by ijoshua at 7:17 PM on October 10, 2007

I'd go for the full beard, see what the others are doing, and then use your increased range of options at the end when you shave all but the 'stache.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:52 PM on October 10, 2007

I have heard that massage stimulates hair growth, so I think you should give yourself a gentle facial massage whenever you can. It can't hurt, anyway.
posted by waywardgirl at 8:03 PM on October 10, 2007

I'd go with zamboni's suggestion and consult that beard catalogue. Pick one that looks particularly exotic and the style points might push you over the edge. Granted a lot of them look pretty nasty...
posted by picea at 8:08 PM on October 10, 2007

Response by poster: Unfortunately I don't have any control over the dates. Maybe next year. Movember looks like fun. For the minority apparently confused that my mustache contest is some sort of serious machismo competition, it's actually a charity fundraiser.

I think I have the perfect sunglasses, now that you mention it. I'm not sure I'll actually buy Biotin, but my wife said she'd use the rest of the Mane n Tail if I buy some, so I may do that. Moisture will be difficult as I'm in Denver, which has almost zero humidity. But I'll try to remember to wash my face with hot water whenever I wash my hands.

It sounds like the consensus is to wait until the end and then shave down to handlebars. Thanks for the tips so far.
posted by scottreynen at 8:09 PM on October 10, 2007

Pray to Tom Seleck and Burt Reynolds for the next 30 days. Throw in some Hasselhoff for good measure.
posted by thankyoumuchly at 8:10 PM on October 10, 2007

Seconding Biotin supplements. I've taken it to make my hair get longer faster, and the stuff works. Presumably it works all over, though I didn't really notice.
posted by Andrhia at 8:11 PM on October 10, 2007

No beard. Handlebars, if you like. I think growing a beard or goatee as part of a moustache competition says you are ashamed or embarrassed by your 'stache. I realize others may not have such strong opinions about competitive moustache growing etiquette.

I grew mine last year for this fund-raiser.
posted by O9scar at 10:15 PM on October 10, 2007

Supposedly, hair grows about an inch every two months, so in three weeks your mustache should be .375 inches long, according to my crude calculations, FWIW.
posted by wsg at 11:40 PM on October 10, 2007

A friend of mine from college was stationed in a remote area doing biological research. She reported that another scientist there coped with the boredom by shaving daily with an electric razor and collecting the detritus and measuring it on a precision scale. He noted that the mass of whiskers increased in the days preceding visits from his girlfriend.
posted by plinth at 8:07 AM on October 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

I've been sporting a neatly trimmed goattee for about 10 years now, and the best thing I ever found was a beard trimmer like this one. That and a nice pair of small scissors to catch the strays.
posted by Big_B at 9:45 AM on October 11, 2007

I think that if you are successful in achieving handlebars on your stache, you absolutely must go to the judging with 2 toothpick paper flags, with something written on them (or maybe just checkered), each one attached to a curl at the end of the handlebar. You could do faces and make them wave. It really doesn't get more ridiculous (and in my opinion, endearing) than that.
posted by iamkimiam at 11:29 AM on October 11, 2007