You Were Killed by Fluffy Wumpkins

September 25, 2007 11:35 AM

My son is entering that awkward teen stage and wants to put aside childish things. To that end, he would like to change his rather "kiddish" gamertag to something more intimidating (and less likely to be berated by his older sibling). Obviously, he's not looking for something like "Fluffy Wumpkins." He asked me to help him with suggestions for cool, edgy, threatening names. So, Hive mind, any ideas? Bonus points if it sounds particularly impressive or humiliating to the enemy after, "you were killed by..."
posted by misha to sports, hobbies, & recreation (101 answers total)

I'm not sure this qualifies as a real answer, but I don't think anything could be more humiliating to a gamer than getting killed by Fluffy Wumpkins.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 11:37 AM on September 25, 2007 [13 favorites]

You have been defeated in battle by MyLittlePwnie.
posted by headspace at 11:37 AM on September 25, 2007 [40 favorites]

"An_STD"

Seriously. It's the best tag ever, especially if the game uses the system "You were killed by..."

A friend of mine used it on UT2004 years ago, and it was the funniest thing ever. Turn text-to-speech recognition on and it gets even better. (Whether it's intimidating or not, that's another question....)
posted by omnipotentq at 11:38 AM on September 25, 2007 [1 favorite]

What could be more humiliating than, "you were killed by Fluffy Wumpkins"?

Seriously, a less-obviously-evil name could demonstrate the kind of confidence ... not often found in young teens, I guess.
posted by amtho at 11:38 AM on September 25, 2007

Doomchunk.
(headspace..that's just brilliant)
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 11:42 AM on September 25, 2007

Kroll -- the name of the credit monitoring agency I mentioned in another answer -- might be fun.
posted by amtho at 11:43 AM on September 25, 2007

WTFWJD

or maybe..

IDHATE2BU
posted by B(oYo)BIES at 11:44 AM on September 25, 2007

that's awesome, headspace.
posted by juv3nal at 11:46 AM on September 25, 2007

Cat Pie Hurts, I wish I could take credit. I saw it on WoW a couple of months ago and laughed so hard I cried. (Likewise, the guild tag, Pwnie Express.)
posted by headspace at 11:46 AM on September 25, 2007

Your son will come to realise that having a cool, edgy or intimidating name will be no substitute for actual talent and ability.

He could have the most fearsome name known to man but, if he's crap, then people will laugh at how easily they beat him.

However, if he's good then the name won't matter.
posted by Nugget at 11:47 AM on September 25, 2007 [1 favorite]

Only younger teens & single sociopaths go with "threatening" names these days. He needs to think up something funny & ironic, and look down on all the people who don't get it and mock him for not having evildestroyerdoommasterhunterkiller as his handle.
posted by tastybrains at 11:53 AM on September 25, 2007 [2 favorites]

I used to use Cap'n Crybaby for the reasons everyone here mentions. "Tough" nics always come off as laughable.
posted by Terminal Verbosity at 11:55 AM on September 25, 2007

Tell him that there will be a time in the future just like this one when he will be embarrassed about his cool, edgy and intimidating nickname and wish he would have picked something creative, fun and care free.
posted by prostyle at 11:56 AM on September 25, 2007

Some of the best gamers I know have ridiculous names (all the better to humiliate you, my dear...), but if he's tied to the idea try a name generator like http://www.drigon.com/~ta/gamer.htm where he can click through a bunch of them pretty quickly. After seeing a long list, he may realize that a name, by itself, isn't that intimidating.
posted by eralclare at 11:59 AM on September 25, 2007

Here's a list of famous assassins.

Who's his favorite badass? Twist that name around so that, say, Vic Mackey becomes Vic Smacky (okay, that's pretty weak, but you get the drift). And remember, any taken tag can be claimed by adding a jr. to the end of it.

*logs on to Xbox Live to change tag to Vic Smacky, jr.*
posted by Bookhouse at 12:03 PM on September 25, 2007

"Your Mom"
posted by Area Control at 12:04 PM on September 25, 2007 [1 favorite]

A friend of mine was called "A Pointed Stick." Thus, "You were killed by a Pointed Stick." Not terribly badass, but quite amusing.

Does he watch any anime or anything? I'm a woman, so my gamertags usually aren't along the lines of "NinjaKilla6000" or anything, but I usually use names of anime characters I like -- that was it's different, it's "exotic", but it's something I actually like.
posted by olinerd at 12:09 PM on September 25, 2007

i always liked JWBooth for shooters.
posted by phil at 12:11 PM on September 25, 2007

Croak-a-Kola
Assassin Xpress
Popa Kap
posted by Hugh2d2 at 12:13 PM on September 25, 2007 [1 favorite]

can't go wrong with T-bagger!
posted by spacefire at 12:14 PM on September 25, 2007

In the "You were killed by" theme...

A Nasty Rash
posted by Hugh2d2 at 12:16 PM on September 25, 2007

You were killed by ...

the inevitable ravages of old age
your overweening hubris
a malformed valve in your heart
the American health-care system
fate, man, fate
someone who loves you
a guy eating Cheetos with his other hand

I can also recommend the book Bloodletters and Badmen for an unending list of evil folks to name yourself after.
posted by Bookhouse at 12:22 PM on September 25, 2007 [8 favorites]

The Bush Administration
posted by The World Famous at 12:22 PM on September 25, 2007 [5 favorites]

You could try the names Mike & the 'Bots came up with for the beefy guy in Space Mutiny.
posted by stevis23 at 12:23 PM on September 25, 2007

Up until about 2 weeks ago, my son's gamertag was 'a damsel so lovely' (I forget exactly how it was spelled). Yeah, he lost a bet. With me. But he says it was the best tag he ever had, and oh so humiliating to the people he whomped up on. He stealthily played a few games online with his bff and got a huge kick out of the nightly phone calls from the friend, who would exclaim things to the effect of "DUDE you have to play with this chick, she will totally kick your ass!!!"

"You have been sniped by a damsel so lovely".

Now it's something only slightly less goofy. He's 17 and scoffs at all the Xx DaRkAsSaSiN xX and AnnihilatorMAXimus and HALOGOD69 type names. You have to be able to live up to the name you pick, or you will be tormented for it forever and ever until the end of time. Or until you pick another tag.
posted by iconomy at 12:24 PM on September 25, 2007 [1 favorite]

You should play him "A boy named Sue" by Johnny Cash. But I'm voting for Fluffy Wumpkins
posted by history is a weapon at 12:26 PM on September 25, 2007

Blackwater
posted by whimwit at 12:27 PM on September 25, 2007

Back in the Unreal Tournament early days, one of my roomates used to play as VerizonWireless.

"You've been killed by VerizonWireless"

"VerizonWireless is on a rampage"

Mega corps are pretty scary.

Another friend had a good one with 80rabidpuppies. Some # of deadly cute cuddly things sounds like a pretty good formula to me.
posted by zackola at 12:30 PM on September 25, 2007 [2 favorites]

LawrenceWelk


What could be scarier?
posted by fidelity at 12:31 PM on September 25, 2007 [1 favorite]

Mistake
Kindness
Random Chance
Accident
Curiousity
Sundown
Morning
Friendly Fire
The Radio Star
posted by 23skidoo at 12:31 PM on September 25, 2007 [1 favorite]

You were killed by Helen Keller.

I don't know if a teenaged boy would like it, but it sounds pretty awesome to me.

Mr. Rogers works pretty well, too.
posted by dinty_moore at 12:32 PM on September 25, 2007 [1 favorite]

Adding "Doctor" or "Reverend" to the beginning of a nick is a common thing for semibadassery.... or, was when I was that age.

Honestly, you people saying he shouldn't pick a tough-sounding name -- can't you remember being that age? Come on. We weren't all born joyless ironists.
posted by LobsterMitten at 12:32 PM on September 25, 2007 [2 favorites]

Serpentor
Destro
Mötörhead
Ming_The_Merciless
Dr. Nuh-Uh.
The Monocle
Flamebait
Peter Falk's Good Eye
Baby Ninja
Insane Pwn Posse
Papercuts
Your Mom's Love
Gangster of Love
The Empire Brain Building
your_stupidity
A_light_spanking
Dengue Fever
Klaxons
A Rogue Wave
An_8-year-old's_Gun
The_Smell
Nth_Man
Die_Toten_Hosen
Armpit_Noises
Chim Chim
Racer X
The_Unbearable_Lightness_of_Being_Pwned
Fart Huffer
Hap Hazard
Dirk Gently
Bop Gun
The Majesticons
Blue's Crews
Darkwing Duck
Gerald McBoingboing
Wet Trousers
Barely Legal
The Foot
Power Pack
The Hellion
Chk Chk Chk

(Well, that's enough for now. Just warn him that if he picks a name, make sure it's one he doesn't mind being stuck with, like Klang.)
posted by klangklangston at 12:34 PM on September 25, 2007 [2 favorites]

Just saying -- my roommate's handle is "BunBun". Getting killed by "BunBun" is the most humiliating thing ever. You might suggest to him that being 'cool' doesn't have so much to do with what your handle is, but how good you are at playing.
posted by SpecialK at 12:35 PM on September 25, 2007

If he wants to go severely old school (and possibly make himself look older than he is, which has its pros and cons in games like that), "a grue" would work. Or "dysentery."

Area Control: For the record, I once belonged to a guild called "Your Mom". Good times...
posted by gnomeloaf at 12:38 PM on September 25, 2007

This thread has lots of suggestions, although they're mostly of the ironic and amusing variety.

I still think my contribution there is pretty good:

Pretty_Pretty_Princess.
Barbie
My_Little_Pony

(Nothing's worse than getting wasted by a 6-year old girl.)
posted by chrisamiller at 12:38 PM on September 25, 2007

It's probably be tough to get him to change his mind, but count me in with those who think being killed by "Fluffy Wumpkins" would be infinitely more embarrassing than being killed by someone named "xtremedth" or any random so-called "edgy" name.
posted by mjgrady at 12:39 PM on September 25, 2007

teh n00b
Overconfidence
Slapdancer
unit#6294-b
Mercy
Jack Boots
the Replacement
Hu-nam Bean
Fragometer

(plus combinations eg. n00b-unit#6294-b)

As previously mentioned, as he grows older, he's going to realise that a "killa" name is embarrassingly juvenile.
posted by -harlequin- at 12:40 PM on September 25, 2007

The International Brotherhood of Teamsters
posted by The World Famous at 12:41 PM on September 25, 2007

Anthrax Envelope (the name of my imaginary heavy metal band)
posted by JaredSeth at 12:41 PM on September 25, 2007

Bob Probert
posted by The World Famous at 12:42 PM on September 25, 2007 [1 favorite]

The Eradicator.
posted by cardboard at 12:43 PM on September 25, 2007

Michael Vick's dog.
posted by inigo2 at 12:45 PM on September 25, 2007

Testicules
posted by zackola at 12:50 PM on September 25, 2007

You were killed by... an uncaring universe.
posted by Soliloquy at 12:50 PM on September 25, 2007

Yeah, I know a guy who's ridiculously kickass at Halo 2 (as in he'll go in alone against ... how many was it? 5 people with varying degrees of moderate experience and come out something like 50 to 22 against all of us). His nickname is ridiculously silly. But no one ever thinks to mock him for it when they're being headshot.

If he's set on something cool and dangerous, think in terms of predator animals. There's something about the idea of hunting for victims, or the lone-wolf-independent-survivor quality of predators that seem to appeal to gamers.
posted by Phire at 12:52 PM on September 25, 2007

My favorite kind of names are those which are conspicuously banal, because in the online world of super badass names, they stand out as memorable and creative.

If you're at an utter loss, I suggest you mad lib it. Almost every name ever is adjective-noun, and you can get some decent results by taking a list of 5 adjectives, a list of 5 nouns, and looking at the 25 combinations and seeing if anything strikes your fancy.
posted by TypographicalError at 12:53 PM on September 25, 2007

Sensible Slacks
posted by probablysteve at 1:02 PM on September 25, 2007 [2 favorites]

"SERVER ERROR PLEASE LOG OUT" or something to that effect might be fun for confusing people.
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 1:07 PM on September 25, 2007

I've always been partial to a military title followed by nonsense words, i.e.,:

Commodore Night-Flight
Admiral Salami-Nipples
etc.
posted by saladin at 1:11 PM on September 25, 2007

Go with the classics: Grendel.
posted by Banky_Edwards at 1:14 PM on September 25, 2007

When I played America's Army, I was killed by a player named "Sparkle Tits" over and over again. Humiliating.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 1:25 PM on September 25, 2007 [1 favorite]

Curiosity
posted by amtho at 1:28 PM on September 25, 2007

"The Devil Himself"

As in, you were killed by The Devil Himself

Also, "by by by by...", "the way", "your rock'n'roll lifestyle"

you get the idea
posted by Danaid at 1:34 PM on September 25, 2007

Just for the record, BunBun is a homicidal, switchblade wielding rabbit.
posted by Jacen at 1:35 PM on September 25, 2007 [1 favorite]

My suggestions:

A_cold_indifferent_universe
The_ravages_of_time
A_small_fluffy_kitten
Entropy
A_nice_cup_of_tea
Buddy_holly
Your_own_arrogance
Pacifist

I think they are funny, but I'm not an awkward teen, and haven't been one for several years
posted by baggers at 1:36 PM on September 25, 2007

Gandhi

as in, "lolpwner13 was slaughtered by Gandhi"
posted by Avenger at 1:42 PM on September 25, 2007

I've always been partial to a military title followed by nonsense words

How about Major Asshander?
posted by Enron Hubbard at 1:43 PM on September 25, 2007

Randomness is good. For someone to think being good in video games makes them a big tough man and need to have a big tough name to pretend to be good at the game is weak.

For the same reason, if I'm in a game with some little asshole who has to call me a faggot I just talk, in detail, about how much I enjoy faggotry and want to make gay love to him. (Not gay in real life, but it's hilarious.)

I use this same account name for games - came about because I at first I just put "Tim" when I started playing Half Life / TFC / CS online and eventually found myself in a server with 2 other "Tims" and we all started changing our names to rag on each other.
posted by TheOnlyCoolTim at 1:44 PM on September 25, 2007

Iain M Banks does a nice line in names (for his spaceships).
posted by EndsOfInvention at 1:49 PM on September 25, 2007 [1 favorite]

I usually play as David Bowie, that way even if you get fragged by me, you can at least marvel at the breadth of his talents.
posted by Large Marge at 1:51 PM on September 25, 2007 [2 favorites]

These are great so far! For the record, my sons actually postulated "Fluffy Wumpkins", though my youngest is unsure because his name now is "Fuzzy Truffle" and his oldest brother gives him a hard time.

The thing is, he AND his older brother are Uber good at online play, so he really shouldn't be embarrassed at all.

Keep the names coming, we are really enjoying them! (My_Little_ Pwny is my favorite so far!)
posted by misha at 1:58 PM on September 25, 2007

You have been killed by Your_Own_Hubris?
posted by davejay at 2:05 PM on September 25, 2007

Why not "HiveMind"? That's badass.
posted by phaded at 2:20 PM on September 25, 2007 [1 favorite]

Fuzzy Truffle ftw. I'm with the folks in favor of a more humble-seeming name. The great ones don't need to impress with their names. It's all about countersignaling.

And The_Unbearable_Lightness_of_Being_Pwned is awesome.
posted by chinston at 2:24 PM on September 25, 2007

How about 404 Page Not Found?
posted by slavlin at 2:27 PM on September 25, 2007

Fuzzy Truffle is a great name...

I usually pick Gentle for my Quake handle.

That, or The Red Blur.
posted by bshort at 2:33 PM on September 25, 2007

I'm surprised "Nobody" hasn't come up, I love the "Pimped_Out_Deacon has killed Nobody" type lines.
posted by TheDukeofLancaster at 2:39 PM on September 25, 2007

see if you can grab Brute Force-(your last name here).
posted by bkeene12 at 2:40 PM on September 25, 2007

names that I recall from my team fortress days years ago:
- 10000 ninjas
- mr. blue-resdog (and mr. pink-resdog, etc... a whole clan of them)
- sporty-spice, scary-spice (yes, a whole clan of them too)
- elmo (bastard was a good sniper)
- the blue plague (he was a blue medic who got himself infected and then team-killed his entire team, thus ruining the game. 'I need a red medic to infect me!' 'why?' 'so i can become THE BLUE PLAGUE!')

nothing else sticks out. endless demons, hunters, predators, all faded into the mists of time.
posted by PercussivePaul at 2:44 PM on September 25, 2007

I used to run around as Angry Hornets. That was fun.
posted by yomimono at 2:46 PM on September 25, 2007

You have been killed by Tribbles.

You have been killed by malaria.

You have been killed by Jar Jar Binks.

You have been killed by a hot-dog-wielding Cubs fan.

You have been killed by your garage door.

You have been killed by a rust monster.

You have been killed by Fanny and Alexander.

You have been killed by boeurgois imperialism.

You have been killed by a beautiful mime.

You have been killed by His Greasy Eminence Harlan Colonel Sanders.

You have been killed by the Imagi nation.

You have been killed by Sir Eel.

You have been killed by the United States Meringue Corps.

See also: Ten Thousand Statistically Grammar-Average Fake Band Names
posted by eritain at 2:55 PM on September 25, 2007

Don't miss the Iain M. Banks list. 'You were killed by youthful indiscretion' may be the best ever.
posted by eritain at 2:59 PM on September 25, 2007

You have been killed by inclement weather.

You have been killed by pride and prejudice.
posted by eritain at 3:02 PM on September 25, 2007

Riffing on some of the ideas already out there, some of the following may be deemed entertaining or suitable:

You have been killed by...

a woeful lack of talent
not practising enough
being crap
someone who is better than you
evil freedom-hating terrorists
Halo_Bot_test_0.13-build-3a
your own fair hand
a combination of politics and religion
a grue. Play again?
posted by Chunder at 3:17 PM on September 25, 2007

My favourites from the Iain M Banks ship name list:

You were killed by... (an) Unfortunate Conflict Of Evidence
You were killed by... (a) Frank Exchange Of Views
You were killed by... Unacceptable Behaviour
You were killed by... The Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival
You were killed by... Death And Gravity
You were killed by... A Series Of Unlikely Explanations
You were killed by... Someone Else's Problem
You were killed by... Another Fine Product From The Nonsense Factory
You were killed by... A Momentary Lapse Of Sanity
posted by EndsOfInvention at 3:27 PM on September 25, 2007

'Timmy' is the worst one. It's the kind of tag that really makes you wonder if there really is some ridiculously bad ass eight year old out there who never misses.
posted by nixerman at 4:11 PM on September 25, 2007

The problem is that "edginess" is kinda subjective. If he's not too keen on irony* he's going to have to draw from his own frame of reference.

*You were killed by the skipping guy.
posted by lekvar at 4:44 PM on September 25, 2007

Testicules

Or TesticulesTheInesminator
posted by Kwantsar at 5:29 PM on September 25, 2007

For actual teenage badassery, I say go with the formula [Military/Professional Title] + [Hevvy Metull Mizpelld Ajektiv]. Gives you the classic Judge Dredd, plus things like Captain Mizeri, Doctor Payne, Major Malfunkshun, etc.

I'll reprint my suggestions from the "ironically badass" thread here, too, cause I really liked them:

ILuvTimberlake
PonyGurl
Ballerina42
FieldHockeyPlayer
posted by Rock Steady at 5:36 PM on September 25, 2007

I might actually read that Iain Banks series based solely on the ship names!
posted by Rock Steady at 5:38 PM on September 25, 2007

Actually, "You were killed by Justin_Timberlake" is also hilarious.
posted by Rock Steady at 5:39 PM on September 25, 2007 [1 favorite]

You were killed by Dick Cheney's shotgun.
posted by The World Famous at 6:09 PM on September 25, 2007

You were killed by:

two guys on the grassy knoll
killing killer killer, killer!
an angel
Han, who shot first
irony
the scientific method
Occam's Razor Scooter
a cute fuzzy bunny
the holiest of handgrenades
an unarmed man
Laura Palmer's dad
George Lazenby
Mr. Rourke
Horatio Caine's sunglasses
killed by killed by killed by
a rolling O
your own evil twin
The Marshall Tucker Band
Polonium 210
posted by The World Famous at 6:21 PM on September 25, 2007

My Mom Picked This Name
My Mom Helped Me Pick this Name
My Mom Got This Name From Ask Metafilter
posted by George_Spiggott at 6:56 PM on September 25, 2007 [3 favorites]

The Deej

The Deej

The DEEJ


posted by humannaire at 7:00 PM on September 25, 2007

autoerotic asphyxiation
your secret shame
your own subconscious deathwish
your unacknowledged homosexuality
posted by George_Spiggott at 7:34 PM on September 25, 2007

Reconsider the cutesie names. I know that in my WoW guild we had quite a number of people who enjoyed PvPing with embarrassing cute names. Your allies will respect your humor if you're a committed gamer and your enemies will be ever more frustrated by their downfall at your hands. If they want to tease the name, just make sure the youngin' is adept at gamer trash talk.

Just don't use "cowbellemoo." I have a reputation to maintain...

Ooh, and here's a tip on how to train yourself to beat anyone in a FPS:

Older FPS games used to have a speed slider that would control the movement and aiming speed for the characters. Training against competent bots at high speeds will be frustrating, but eventually aiming and avoidance will improve. Once you get back to a game with normal speed, you're instantly better. One friend (who was being an ass) was pwnt by another friend using this method.

Real suggestion: Killy McGilacutty
posted by cowbellemoo at 7:47 PM on September 25, 2007

Ooh, also: There was a scene in Battlestar Galactica where they were picking a callsign for a new pilot and someone yelled out "RaptorAdapter" which I thought was wonderful.
posted by cowbellemoo at 7:52 PM on September 25, 2007

True Love
posted by hydrophonic at 7:53 PM on September 25, 2007

My brother's friend, who is insanely good at Halo, uses the name "kill." It's oddly appropriate, inasmuch as he once won a Halo team tournament as a one-man team.
posted by DoctorFedora at 8:45 PM on September 25, 2007

Incontinence. (or, Incontinentia Buttocks)
posted by ctmf at 8:55 PM on September 25, 2007

Ted.
posted by middleclasstool at 9:08 PM on September 25, 2007

Halliburton

KBR

Monsanto

MicroSoft

NewsCorp

Wallmart

ManPower
posted by Joseph Gurl at 9:16 PM on September 25, 2007

Or, combining several themes here at once, Kimberly Clark.
posted by ctmf at 9:43 PM on September 25, 2007 [1 favorite]

you were killed by a kitten
posted by craven_morhead at 7:00 AM on September 26, 2007

"The_cost_of_living."

i.e. "The_cost_of_living bottomed out," "The_cost_of_living was fragged," "You're connected directly to The_cost_of_living," etc.
posted by waxbanks at 10:55 AM on September 26, 2007

Kitty Dukakis

Because nobody wants to hear "You've been killed by Kitty Dukakis."
posted by The World Famous at 11:53 AM on September 26, 2007

Inept amateur first aid.
posted by eritain at 7:41 AM on September 27, 2007

The early Wittgenstein.

Existential angst.

Zombies of the Vienna Circle.

B. F. Skinner.
posted by eritain at 8:11 PM on September 28, 2007

The blues and the abstract truth.

OK, I'm done. I promise.
posted by eritain at 8:14 PM on September 28, 2007