ha ha= >1:00.00, <2:30:00

August 24, 2007 3:03 PM

I need jokes that take more than one minute to tell, but no longer than two-and-a-half minutes.

Content shouldn't be too raw-- no "Aristocrats"-type stories. Otherwise, go to town!

posted by exlotuseater to Human Relations (24 answers total)

what about the other joke threads here on the site?
posted by rhizome at 3:19 PM on August 24, 2007

Best answer: A black guy, a white guy, and a Chinaman go to work in a coal mine. The foreman says, "Black guy, you're in charge of picking the coal. White guy, you're responsible for carting the coal through the shaft. Chinese dude, you're in charge of all the supplies."

A week later the foreman comes back to the mine to check up on the three. He sees the black dude, hacking away at the coal. He sees the white dude, carting away the coal loads. But he doesn't see the Chinese guy. He walks around for a while, finally he's about to leave in disgust when the Chinese guy jumps out from the shadows.

"SUPPLIES!"
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 3:48 PM on August 24, 2007 [10 favorites]

The surgeon thread above reminds me of the guy who dies and goes to heaven (you can fill in the details). He spends several weeks meeting various people, but never sees God. He finally asks St. Peter, who says,
"See that guy with the white smock and stethoscope? That's Him."
"Yeah, I talked with him yesterday, but he's a doctor."
"No, that's God. He just thinks he's a doctor."
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 4:03 PM on August 24, 2007 [1 favorite]

Best answer: A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The family's little girl naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door. Eventually the construction crew adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother, who suggested that they take the "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank, the teller asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay at such a young age.

The little girl proudly said, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."

My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

She replied, "I will if those assholes at Lowes ever deliver the fucking sheetrock."
posted by rob511 at 4:16 PM on August 24, 2007 [27 favorites]

You could tell the clown joke. Youtube, e2. It's as long as you want.
posted by philomathoholic at 4:25 PM on August 24, 2007

A joke that takes longer than a minute is a story.

Just about any joke can be stretched out or shortened. Knowing exactly what this is for might help. Meanwhile you might get a minute out of this if you want to stretch it a little:

Bob and George go golfing. George notices that Bob has just one golf ball. "Bob," he says, "you only have one ball?"

"Yep," says Bob. "It's all I need."

"Kinda cocky aren't ya?" asks George.

Bob explains, "No, no, you don't understand. It's a special ball. It's impossible to lose. If you hit it in the water, it floats to the top and swims to shore. Hit it in the rough, and it beeps and jumps up and down. Hit it in the woods, and it lights up and starts bouncing toward the fairway. Can't lose it!"

George says, "Wow, that's some ball! Where did you get it?"

"Oh, I found it."
posted by The Deej at 4:30 PM on August 24, 2007 [1 favorite]

And just to complement the clown joke (which may not be suited for polite company), here's a whole forum of long, clean jokes.
posted by philomathoholic at 4:31 PM on August 24, 2007

Oh, geez -- this had better not be my boss asking this question!
posted by MrFongGoesToLunch at 4:44 PM on August 24, 2007

I got this one from my cousin this morning.

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on
and on
and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he
went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable remarks as he drug himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around and screamed,
'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
posted by BoscosMom at 5:17 PM on August 24, 2007 [2 favorites]

George W. Bush is being debriefed about world events by his advisors. After going through the daily body counts in Afganistan and Iraq and countless other world events the presenter concludes, "and lastly, three Brazilian soldiers were killed last night."

The president starts crying uncontrollably.

Everyone is shocked. After all that's happened-- 911, Afganistan, Iraq, the Tsunami, Katrina-- now he's crying?
After a few minutes with his head in his hands W. finally looks up and says "How many is a brazillion anyway?"
posted by brevator at 5:23 PM on August 24, 2007 [4 favorites]

Joke #1

A newly qualified lawyer is prosecuting his first case in court. After he called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman he approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.

"You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defence attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me.

"He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire city. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge called both solicitors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"

Joke #2

Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle.

One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.

The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and put a thumbtack in it.

When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and put a tack in it.

The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked.

"This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This putting tacks in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
posted by wannalol at 5:43 PM on August 24, 2007 [2 favorites]

I've collected some of my favorite jokes here. Most of them seem to be of an appropriate length.
posted by martinrebas at 5:48 PM on August 24, 2007

An NYC taxi driver has always harbored a secret desire to be an actor. One morning, he picks up a man on Broadway and over the course of the basic small talk learns that he's a producer on a new musical. The cabbie confesses his wish to tread the boards and the producer gets excited.

"What luck!" he says. "My cast has been decimated by mono, so I've had to call up every understudy I have for the big premiere tonight. But there's still one bit part that I've been unable to fill. Would you mind taking it?"

The cabbie eagerly agrees. "Great!" says the producer. "Be at the theater at six tonight for makeup. You'll have one line, the opening words of the show: 'Hark! Are those cannons I hear?'"

As soon as the cabbie drops off the producer, he starts practicing his one line, muttering it under his breath: "'Hark! Are those cannons I hear?'...'Hark! Are those cannons I hear?...'"

All the rest of the day he's practicing this line. Delivering fares, driving to the theater, in the makeup chair, all the way he's trying out different intonations, different emphases. "Hark! Are those cannons I hear?" "HARK! Are those cannons I hear?'"

Finally, the costume department kits him out in a Continental Army uniform, the prop people shove a musket in his hands, and the stage manager pushes him out through the curtain and onto the center of the stage. And for a few seconds he just stands there, blinking a little nervously into the spotlight. Suddenly, an enormous BOOM rocks the theater, and he shouts,

"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?"
posted by Iridic at 6:10 PM on August 24, 2007 [2 favorites]

A man is looking for a new pet, so he goes to the pet store and asks the owner if he has a dog. The owner shows him a few dogs, but the man isn't interested. Suddenly the pet store owner has a thought.

"I know just the dog for you," he says, and he goes to the last kennel in the row. "Isn't that the shaggiest dog you ever saw?"

"Why, yes, that is the shaggiest dog I ever saw!" says the man. "I should take him to show my wife! I'll buy him."

The man buys the dog and takes him home to his wife.

"I bought a dog today," he says. "Isn't that the shaggiest dog you ever saw?"

"Why, yes, that is the shaggiest dog I ever saw!" says his wife. "You should take it to show the minister!"

"You're right," says the man, and he takes the dog to see the minister.

"I bought a dog today," he says. "Isn't that the shaggiest dog you ever saw?"

"Why, yes, that is the shaggiest dog I ever saw!" says the minister. "You should take it to show the mayor!"

"You're right," says the man, and he takes the dog to see the mayor.

"I bought a dog today," he says. "Isn't that the shaggiest dog you ever saw?"

"Why, yes, that is the shaggiest dog I ever saw!" says the mayor. "You should take it to show the governor-general!"

"You're right," says the man, and he takes the dog to see the governor-general.

"I bought a dog today," he says. "Isn't that the shaggiest dog you ever saw?"

"Why, yes, that is the shaggiest dog I ever saw!" says the governor-general. "You should take it to show the queen!"

"You're right," says the man, and he takes the dog to see the queen.

"I bought a dog today," he says. "Isn't that the shaggiest dog you ever saw?"

The queen says, "No."
posted by futility closet at 6:13 PM on August 24, 2007 [1 favorite]

Jesus, St. Peter and St. Paul are playing golf, up in heaven. St. Peter hits a slice that goes into the rough. St Paul hits a hook that goes into the woods. Jesus steps up, holding his driver in one hand, gives the ball a whack. It goes beautifully down the middle of the fairway, but then bounces into a sand trap, straight down a rabbit hole. The rabbit comes out with the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down and picks up the rabbit in his talons. Just as they're flying over the green, the rabbit lets go of the ball. It bounces a couple of times on the green and rolls into the hole. "Hole in one, gents!" says Jesus. "OK Jesus," says St. Paul. "Are we going to play golf, or are we just going to fuck around?"
posted by beagle at 6:22 PM on August 24, 2007 [5 favorites]

Nice, Beagle! Much, much better than the usual "I hate when we play with your dad" version.

. . .

A man's sued by his neighbor for defamation of character, and a tedious court battle begins. Eventually, the judge rules for the neighbor, awarding her a few thousand dollars.

After the decision, the man approaches the bench. "So, now that I've lost..." he says. "Does that mean that I can no longer call Mrs. Barlow a pig?"

The judge affirms that this is in fact the case.

"Ah..." The man thinks. "But do you think it would be okay if I called a pig 'Mrs. Barlow?'"

"I don't see why not," says the judge.

"Fantastic."

And he walks up to the neighbor and extends his hand. Looking her straight in the eye, he smiles and says:

"Good afternoon, Mrs. Barlow."
posted by Iridic at 6:40 PM on August 24, 2007

Researchers in France dig down one thousand feet and discover wire. This stunning discovery proves that they were the first to invent the telephone.

Not to be outdone, researchers in the UK dig down two thousand feet and discover wire. This proves that they were the ones to invent the phone first.

Finally, researchers in America dig three thousand feet and don't discover anything. This proves that they were the first ones to invent wireless phones.
posted by icebourg at 7:21 PM on August 24, 2007

First, a general tip: the best jokes are going to be the ones that use some form of repetition, because you can elaborate or truncate as needed to pad the time. Here's one of my favorites that hits home every time:

Farmer Jim would like to start a pig farm. To get going, he buys ten pigs, only to realize that they're all female. So he calls his friend Farmer Bob, who also has pigs. "Bob, could you round up some male pigs? I'm bringing my sows over." Jim loads up the car, drives to Bob's, lets his pigs loose in the pen, they do their thing. As the pigs are going at it, Jim asks Bob, "How will I know if my pigs are pregnant?"
"You'll know," says Bob, "because they act real strange: they eat grass, for instance, which pigs never do."
Jim thanks Bob, gathers his pigs, hops back in the truck, drives back home, and goes to sleep. The next morning he wakes up and elbows his wife. "Wife," he says, "please look out the window and check on the pigs." His wife obliges. "Are they acting funny?"
"Nope," says the wife. "Perfectly normal."
Jim calls Bob, loads his pigs in the truck, drives them to the pen, and lets them loose. "You're sure, Bob, that they'll change behavior?"
"Oh yes, mighty sure, they'll act quite strange alright." Home the pigs go, and Jim goes back to bed. Again, the next morning, he elbows his wife. Again, the pigs are doing nothing out of the ordinary. Again, he rings Bob, loads up the pigs, lets them loose, brings them home. Again nothing, and he tries a fourth time.
Finally, on the fifth day, his wife looks out the window and says, "Well sure enough they are acting strange."
Jim sits bold upright, excited that his plan has finally worked. "They're eating grass?" he asks.
"Well, no," says his wife, "but they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the horn."
posted by Help, I can't stop talking! at 7:34 PM on August 24, 2007

Since this is a joke thread I hope I can be forgiven for noting that the Deej's joke has a smaller joke hidden within it.

"Bob," [George] says, "you only have one ball?"
"Yep," says Bob. "It's all I need."
"Kinda cocky aren't ya?" asks George.
posted by No-sword at 10:30 PM on August 24, 2007

This is one I submitted to rec.humor.funny, lo these many years ago. You could probably stretch it to a full minute if you speak a bit slowly and maybe draw out the fight scenes a little:

Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port. About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze!

"Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate.

"First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea chest, and bring me my red shirt." The first mate did so.

Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to fight. So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled without casualties.

A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two pirate sloops!

"Captain, captain, what should we do?"

"First mate, bring me my red shirt!"

The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration. The first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt.

"It's simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not show, and the crew continues to fight without fear."

A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy's armada were approaching!

"Captain, captain, we're in terrible trouble, what do we do?" The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker.

Pale with fear, the captain commanded, "First mate.... bring me my brown pants!"
posted by Malor at 4:40 AM on August 25, 2007

(oh, and that last one isn't original with me, I was just passing it along. Omitted that paragraph as unimportant to the joke.)
posted by Malor at 4:44 AM on August 25, 2007

Best one I know: Penguin, car breaks down, ice cream, "looks like you blew a seal." Google it, you'll find it.
posted by brownpau at 2:17 PM on August 25, 2007

Since this is a joke thread I hope I can be forgiven for noting that the Deej's joke has a smaller joke hidden within it.

Thanks for noticing!

The :: ahem :: hard thing about telling this joke, is that guys turn into first graders as soon as I mention only having one ball. The guffawing and snorting indicates they think that's the end of the joke.

Guys are dumb.
posted by The Deej at 8:46 PM on August 25, 2007

I like to tell conversational jokes as if they were real experiences. You can lengthen them, at will, with material from your real life -- plus, it's a great way to make a joke your own. They key is you gotta sucker them into believing it's a real anecdote, then the punch line hits 'em like a sledgehammer.

For example, here's one I told on a first date:

Look... Before we go any further, I'm a little embarrased by this, but I feel I should tell you because it may come up at some point: I have an orange penis. Bright freekin orange. Weird, huh? [pause to let her react, show concern, etc. -- just setting the hook, but it's fun to watch the reaction to this bombshell, hehe...]

Yeah, I got a little worried and went to see my family doctor a few months ago. She ran all sorts of tests, blood-work and the like, but couldn't find anything that might explain this bright orange penis of mine. (Add stuff here if you like: "I've been seeing her for years; she's real good." "She's located over on 1st and 5th..." or whatever. Builds credibility and pads for time.) She finally gave up, determined there was no medical cause for it, and on a hunch referred me to a psychologist. [let her respond, but not so long that the joke derails...]

So two weeks ago I went to the shrink, cuz I want to get this taken care of, you know? (Add in some material here: "Never been to a shrink before..." "Nice guy, apparently he works with business executives a lot..." or whatever.) He says it could be stress-related -- yes, apparently, stress can turn a guy's penis orange. Who knew? Anyhow, he starts asking me all these questions, trying to determine the source of the stress, so we can work on the root of the problem. [her, ideally: "well like what?"]

The shrink asks me, "What about work? Any major changes there?"

I reply, "Sure, I just started a new job three months ago."

He proclaims, "That's it! A new job can be very stressful..."

"No, no," I say, "It's really going great. I love the people I'm working with, and I'm having a lot of fun. My commute is even cut in half! It can't be that."

So he continues probing, "Hmmm... What about your personal life? Have you had any relationship issues lately?"

I reply, "Well, actually, I just broke up with somebody..."

He responds, "That's it! A breakup can be a very stressful thing."

I reply, "No, no -- it was a mutual thing, no drama, we're both much better for it, and we're still friends. Can't be that."

Frustrated, he exclaims, "Well, I'm at a loss as to what could be causing this orange penis of yours. Why don't you walk me through a typical day in your life?"

"Well, doc, it's not too unusual. I get up around 7, go to work at 8, come home at 5, eat supper, and then just I just sit around, watchin porn and eatin cheetos..."

posted by LordSludge at 10:22 AM on August 27, 2007 [1 favorite]