You Can Pick Your Nose...

August 13, 2007 8:26 AM

A friend has a next door neighbor who he really connected with when they first met - just a chance meeting when they were both outside. The problem is the next time they'll meet is uncertain. Help me plot MetaFilter...

I guess there is always the going over and asking for a various recipe ingredient, but something more innovative would probably be better and less embarrasing.

Here's the best game plan I've thought of (I'm hoping for something along these lines, except moral):

1. Call in a pizza delivery for yourself, but "mistakenly give" the neighbors address.
2. Watch the front door to see who answers.
3. When the pizza arrives, go over, apologize and collect it - leading to potential conversation.

posted by matkline to human relations (21 comments total)

That's just creepy. Don't do it. People don't misorder pizza.

If one wants to engineer a chance meeting i's suggest syncing laundry times or gym workouts.

The simplest is probably just the "I accidentally baked this huge cake will you help me eat it?"-trick. That one makes you come out as a bit weird and maybe a bit desperate but not creepy.

Personally I would just knock on door and ask for date.
posted by uandt at 8:40 AM on August 13, 2007 [1 favorite]

Do I understand you correctly? You have a friend who wants to be friends with his neighbour.

Is there a sense that the friend's neighbour shares this 'connection' or is it a one-way thing and the other person needs 'persuading'?

Assuming there is no romantic interest complicating matters, could your friend not simply throw a neighbourhood party / barbecue / watch the game on my big TV / other miscellaneous event and invite his 'target' along?
posted by mooders at 8:40 AM on August 13, 2007

Err, not big on the whole sneaky plot thing, it rings of immaturity. Why not just knock on his or her door, say you enjoyed chatting with them outside, and would like to invite him / her over for dinner.

Honesty is surprisingly effective ;)

Quick, simple, and if he or she is not interested you'll know immediately and can move on.
posted by COD at 8:41 AM on August 13, 2007

I don't really see the problem. Why not go over, ring the bell, and say "Hi, I really enjoyed our conversation the other day and was wondering if you'd like to see a movie/go out for dinner/whatever Friday?"
posted by languagehat at 8:41 AM on August 13, 2007 [1 favorite]

1. Knock on neighor's door.
2. When neighbor answers, say "hey, I was wondering if you'd like to get a cup of coffee sometime?"
3. Go out for coffee.

Why do you does your friend need a pretext?
posted by adamrice at 8:41 AM on August 13, 2007 [1 favorite]

Cup of Sugar. Classic. Timeless. Foolproof.

The best part is, you can go back with a teatowel full of cookies!

Then the teatowel needs to be returned.

Pretty soon after that the red lights go on and the mosquito guitar starts going "chicka chicka wow wow".

YMMV.
posted by Aquaman at 8:41 AM on August 13, 2007 [5 favorites]

On non-preview: great minds think alike.
posted by languagehat at 8:42 AM on August 13, 2007

Post-posting, if you see what I mean, I agree with uandt above - there are some approaches that are downright creepy. Don't do any of these, whatever the motive.

Interestingly uandt read the situation as romantic whilst I read it as a guy wants to be just buddies... Perhaps some clarification from the OP is warranted.
posted by mooders at 8:42 AM on August 13, 2007

Romantically interested in? Or has he just moved into the neighborhood and is looking to be friends with someone he had a cool conversation with?

The latter happens to me all of the time, I really don't know how to pursue trying to be someone's new friend as an adult. Man, being a kid was so easy most of the time, you were just friends with whoever you sat next to on the bus or in class.

I'd probably do a lot of yard projects and try to be visible (without looking stalkerish) I think most friendships spring forth organically, if you have to keep placing yourself into their view, they may not be finding you as cool to hang out with as you find them.

OTOH, my best friend of almost 30 years became my friend because I walked past her house, back and forth for hours, because I heard another girl lived there. I had just moved to an island in the boonies and was desperate for anyone to play with. It was my absolute good luck that she and I hit it off so completely.
posted by Jazz Hands at 8:51 AM on August 13, 2007

I'd just let it happen again by chance, rather than try to set something up.

Furthermore, if this is, indeed, a romantic interest, the best thing you can do is advise your friend not to date his neighbors. This has the potential to end in disaster, believe me.
posted by M.C. Lo-Carb! at 8:52 AM on August 13, 2007 [1 favorite]

Just to clarify - he just wants to be buddies and doesn't know how best to follow up on the first meeting.
posted by matkline at 8:55 AM on August 13, 2007

okay, so something was discussed that got your friend interested in hanging out with this guy... sports, current events... whatever it was, find something to follow up on.
posted by Jazz Hands at 8:59 AM on August 13, 2007

Find excuses to be outside. (Garden, wash your car, change your oil)
Next time there is a chance encounter, invite target along to the bar with other, pre-established friends.
posted by The Esteemed Doctor Bunsen Honeydew at 9:06 AM on August 13, 2007

The standard approach is to go over and invite the person over for dinner later that week. For guys awkward about this, it might be easier to make this gesture via more socially experienced proxies, such as wifes/girlfriend inviting their wife/girlfriend. My people will talk to your people.

In absence of socially adroit proxies, man up. If your friend is considering going hiking/whatever in a few weeks, head over and say "Some friends and I are are going [whatever] next week, I enjoyed talking to you the other day, so I thought I'd let you know in case you felt like coming too".
It doesn't matter if they can't make it or don't feel like committing when they barely know him, an offer of friendship has been made, which lets them know where things stand. From time to time, keep them in the loop with stuff like that (preferably things with a lower bar of entry than the hiking example, which involves needing gear, all day, fitness, preperation, etc etc). The lower the bar to participation, the better.
posted by -harlequin- at 9:13 AM on August 13, 2007

When I lived in a four flat full of strangers (Chicago), I started to invite a friend or two over on nice Sunday evenings, hang out on the front steps with some beers or wine, sometimes a guitar, and offer a drink to neighbors who happened by within the couple of hours we were out there. Soon, it became a regular Sunday thing and we'd get up to 20 people out there on the stoop every Sunday. This eventually progressed to progressive dinner parties, poker nights and kegs in the backyard. Good times.

Having a casual party is good. Or even just a get together around watching a movie or sports. Asking to borrow a tool is good (especially if you bring it back in a few hours with a 6-pack or a bottle of wine as thanks).

The sneaky pizza thing? Not so good, actually.
posted by jeanmari at 9:51 AM on August 13, 2007 [1 favorite]

I agree with M.C. Lo Carb, to an extent. This is dangerous territory, although I'm the hopeless romantic who doesn't like to shoot down anything with potential simply on the notion that things could be bad in the end. Well, they always can.

Anyway, there are still numerous ways to go about this, most of which have already been mentioned. I still think the best thing to do is to be the friendly neighbor and if there's a mutual interest things could go from there. While it's hard to create chance encounters, she's always gonna be there until she moves, right? Start hanging out in common areas (front stoop) more. Actually, jeanmari's idea is good as well.

And while the guy could just waltz over and ask her out, I'd say that he should tread a little more carefully because of the neighbor issue. But that doesn't mean he can't go over and knock just to see how her day was.
posted by jetskiaccidents at 10:12 AM on August 13, 2007

Block party! We threw one pretty much just to set up a couple who are now married. Plus, who really needs an excuse for a block party...
posted by true at 10:17 AM on August 13, 2007

Beer. Walk over, ring the doorbell, and say, "hey dude, could you come take a look at this thing in my yard?" Ask him some question about the landscaping or the property lines or whatever, hand the guy a bottle of decent beer, and conversation will follow. Standing around outside is a lot more comfortable for an initial chat than a sit-down dinner (he could be a weirdo or have bad hygiene or whatever, you don't know that yet), and a bottle of beer (or non-alcoholic equivalent if you don't drink) gives you something to do with your hands and is great for conversation on a hot afternoon. Yard machinery, property lines, storm windows, and automobiles are all totally stereotypical things that, like sports and so on, provide excuses for pleasant homosocial interactions without the discomfort of having to take any interpersonal risks. If the first chat goes well, then suggest he (and his partner/kids/dog/whatever) come over for dinner next Saturday, or that he takes you out to show you the (bar? fishing hole? flower shop?) that he was telling you about, or whatever sounds like fun.
posted by Forktine at 10:19 AM on August 13, 2007

I really want to know why he thinks that a one time conversation means they had a 'connection'. That you two are plotting a mistaken pizza delivery reminds me of all those desperate tools on Craigslist who believe that just because a woman smiled at them at QuikTrip means they had some profound meaningful moment.

I guess there is always the going over and asking for a various recipe ingredient, but something more innovative would probably be better

No, no, no. Normal is better. Walking over to her house and asking if she'd like to have a beer and some ribs in the backyard is totally ideal if he wants to hang out. If he does this and she shoots him down, she probably won't think anything of it after that. If you misdirect a pizza to her place and she finds out it was a plot to get to know her, not only will she shoot you down, but you will be a part of her personal folklore forever known as that creepy weirdo next door.

If you are going to be an adult and invite her over for beers, make sure it's something decent. Not your college case of Natty.
posted by pieoverdone at 10:51 AM on August 13, 2007

My neighbors and I have exchanged email addresses and phone numbers just in case we notice anything out of the ordinary going on at the other's house. I've also asked them for recommendations for local vendors (tree services, restaurants). They've come by to tell me about hornet nests they've noticed in my yard. I've also always given neighbors a heads-up about potentially noisy parties I'm hosting, and extend an invitation to them too.
posted by xo at 12:03 PM on August 13, 2007 [1 favorite]

Combine block party + beer ideas, then add fire. Get a fire pit and have a bonfire in your driveway. Invite all the neighbors. That's how I know all my neighbors.

Your friend, I mean.
posted by ctmf at 4:27 PM on August 13, 2007