What do I do now?

June 28, 2007 11:05 AM

I'm not even thirty and the sex is terrible. Am I the only person with this problem and what should I do about it? Apologies, there is...

Three years ago, I was in the best relationship of my life. At 24, I met a beautiful girl at a bar and from the first date started having great and frequent sex for more than two and a half years. She was the first person I really easily connected with sexually, we knew and enjoyed each other's kinks and explored some if not all of them. I found myself carefree and easygoing in the bedroom and open to foreplay, taking our time - and, when the mood was felt, just getting wild. Then came a really bad holiday season with her family that ended our relationship. Since then, my mind has really turned off to sex.

I have since dated two women who were lovely, intellectually and physically stimulating, and physically interested in me. But, my body just didn't want to do the work. For the first time, my body and mind were not cooperating to make sex happen. My penis, very erect, would touch a woman's vagina and whimper in fear of it. I realized that we were not exploring a lot of the kinks I enjoy, but I felt totally out of place not even being able to enjoy the complete act of intercourse.

During the first relationship after my big break-up, my partner suggested and I followed through on seeing a therapist who said I was simply not comfortable yet. I personally was comfortable all the time except during sex, I felt I was blanking out and physically, my body followed. I also saw a doctor who assured me I did not have erectile dysfunction and was dealing with anxiety. I am willing to go see another specialist, but I hate thinking this is something that I have done to myself. I have recently given up both smoking and drinking, but smoked during part of my longest, most sexually satisfying relationship.

I can only think this is psychological, but it's really tearing me up inside and I want my relationships to be as good as the one I had. I'm 27, in moderately good shape, working out, and walking every day but this is freaking me out.

Should I see a doctor or a psychologist or just wait until the right person comes along again. I thought I had found that person six months ago, but this block was too much for the relationship to stand.

I know this is a sensitive issue. People can respond to this question at [e-mail]

posted by anonymous to health & fitness (11 comments total)

See a sex therapist. Life is too short to wait for better sex.
posted by lilithim at 11:10 AM on June 28, 2007

I have recently given up both smoking and drinking, but smoked during part of my longest, most sexually satisfying relationship.

Many people with sexual difficulties originating in anxiety find that consumption of moderate, but not excessive, quantities of alcohol eases anxieties and lessens inhibitions, enabling better sexual performance.
posted by Faint of Butt at 11:19 AM on June 28, 2007

Three years ago, I was in the best relationship of my life.

…but smoked during part of my longest, most sexually satisfying relationship.

… I want my relationships to be as good as the one I had.

you also need to stop idealizing that first relationship because you're just gonna think everything else pales in comparison.

therapy.
posted by violetk at 11:21 AM on June 28, 2007

Sounds to me like you already know the answer........ ( "I can only think this is psychological, but it's really tearing me up inside and I want my relationships to be as good as the one I had." )

As like alot of people,..it sounds like you have some mental block or anxiety but you just dont know how to get past it. Thats what therapists are for --- go find a good one !

Another comment regarding your comment "I want my relationships to be as good as the one I had.".... While that is an admirable goal,.. dont bet on it. Every relationship is as unique as the 2 people involved in it.. and they all have different dynamics. Try to appreciate them for what they are and not compare them to the past.

I (like you) had several awesome relationships in my 20's,..but a dry spell for the past 4 years or so. Dont fixate and worry so much about relationships that you give yourself a complex. In other words... RELAX. :P
posted by jmnugent at 11:23 AM on June 28, 2007

You got thumped by this girl. Your head recovered fully, but your penis has a mind of its own...it's going to take some more time, possibly some therapy (which will very likely be less about talking about sex and pink parts and more about relationships, emotions and intimacy), and a partner who accepts you fully and makes you feel safe and confident.

Try also seeing less lke "the block was too much for the relationship to stand", but that the relationship, as great as it may have been, failed the litmus test of what you needed then. In other words, this problem isn't a big huge block causing your relationships to fail, but rather, a small part of who you are that the relationship (for whatever other reasons as well) was not strong enough to weather. Relationships fail sometimes...you don't have to take all the blame.

It takes two to tango...cliche but very true in this case! Good luck to you and I hope you find some super cool chick who rocks you into her safe little world.
posted by iamkimiam at 11:26 AM on June 28, 2007

I don't know, man. I'm not trying to oversimplify the problem, but some guys can just hit anything that walks and it just seems like you're not like that. Personally, there have been a lot of girls I've been really attracted to where the sex just wasn't working out. I've been at strip clubs where there were incredibly gorgeous girls right on top of me, but I felt nothing. Do not confuse sexual compatibility with attraction--they aren't the same.

It sounds like the first girl you had was a real sexpot and you are looking to get your freak on. Find yourself a girl who's really liberal in the sack and see if you're still having problems before I got too concerned with yourself. You're just in a rut... need to find that magic again.
posted by fusinski at 11:27 AM on June 28, 2007

Wow, bad grammar. Yeesh.
posted by fusinski at 11:30 AM on June 28, 2007

It sounds to me like you really connect sex and emotional intimacy.Here's my guess as to what's going on.

Part of you -- specifically the sexual part of you -- is still hurting from the original breakup, still in a phase of mourning, so to speak. So now whenever sex & intimacy attempt to meet up, the sexual-emotional part of you shuts down in an attempt to avoid the hurt or the fear of it happening again.

You need to somehow get to a point where you're no longer so attached the past relationship on that emotional-sexual level. Not sure how to get there -- therapy might help, or maybe you can find a cathartic outlet for the buried emotions.

In the meantime, perhaps you could explore some kinks or forms of sexual interaction that don't involve intercourse . . .?
posted by treepour at 12:07 PM on June 28, 2007

2nd treepour - explore ways to have satisfying fun without intercourse. If she's satisfied and you had fun, don't worry too much about how your penis performed.
posted by metahawk at 12:56 PM on June 28, 2007

I was your age before I started having really good sex. I don't know if it's my brain or my body that caused it, but I now know that I was not good in my 20s.
posted by rhizome at 1:35 PM on June 28, 2007

I find myself wondering why, after 2 1/2 years, the break-up occurred after a bad family holiday. I'm thinking that you are still kicking yourself over it and have never really had closure.
posted by misha at 4:18 PM on June 28, 2007