Problem boss + coping strategies...

May 9, 2007 5:38 PM

How do I deal with a boss who dislikes me personally and says no to all of my ideas unless my direct supervisor is in the room "pleading my case" as well?

Background: I work for the government. The director of my branch is a manager who was once a scientist. As a manager for the scientists, he's good. As a manager for technical people, he's beyond awful.

After I got the job, he showed up in my office and said that there were serious issues with the personality part of the interview and that I needed to see a counselor, a career counselor, etc.

This has never, *ever* happened to me before. I was shattered! I (had) thought that my personality had been one of my strengths (it had been in the past). Admittedly, that part of the interview could have gone better, but I didn't think it was *that* bad!

Essentially, the relationship has gone downhill from there. He refuses to validate my ideas, praises everyone around me (except me), forces me to work on projects that I *know* (due to my technical expertise) are going nowhere and generally is a total jerk to me. He's tried apologizing to me on few occasions but the apologies are insincere and forced, and nothing ever changes.

We now have a second person (call him Bob) in an equal position to mine and he treats Bob like a king. Bob is very enthusiastic and joy to work with. He's brought up several of my old ideas (the ones that were kiboshed earlier) and they go through no problem!

Why do I stay? Because except for this boss, the people I work with are spectacular. And - he's retiring next year.

How can I deal with the jerk until he retires? It's gotten to the point where I dread going to work and I hyperventilate when he enters the room. Any coping strategies would be appreciated. I'm trying to "rise above" it all, but it's pretty tough...

posted by ollyoop to human relations (23 comments total)

What an awful position. I've been there and know so many people who have been/are in that situation.

Before I answer, can you give us some more info: How to cope probably depends on what you've already done to improve the situation. What methods have you tried in the past? Have you sat down to have a calm discussion about the way you feel he treat you? Have you discussed this with HR or his boss? Also, how long have you worked there? Also, by next year, do you mean next january? or Dember 2008?
posted by necessitas at 6:01 PM on May 9, 2007

time for a new job
posted by caddis at 6:05 PM on May 9, 2007

My dad was in line to become the CEO of a company when the CEO retired. They had a timeline, and when it came to the end of it, the bastard refused to leave. Eventually my dad left instead.

Don't count on him retiring when he says he will, unless there's some mechanism by which you can be absolutely sure he'll step down. Imagine if you were counting down the days, gritting your teeth but knowing there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and then the fateful date came and he still showed up at work the next day. Could you handle that?
posted by crinklebat at 6:07 PM on May 9, 2007

What methods have I tried? Logical, face to face talks about my frustrations and his lack of support. Again, he apologizes, we talk about strategy and nothing changes.

I've discussed this with my supervisor and she's very sympathetic to my frustrations. She's spoken to him on occasion as well about his treatment towards me. Again, nada.

I've been here for around 3.5 years so far. I've even gone down to halftime and am working halftime with a private company for the next 6 months (he wouldn't "approve" a 6 month temporary leave!).

As to when he retires - I believe it's in the spring of next year...
posted by ollyoop at 6:14 PM on May 9, 2007

You're dealing with a mad person. Smile and wave.

And if you want to get anything done, run it through Bob.
posted by flabdablet at 6:21 PM on May 9, 2007

The guy sounds insane, but it seems like he has at least tried (lamely, perhaps half-assedly) to reach out to you in the past.

Is there no way you can co-opt this guy? Take him out to dinner or invite him over for a bbq?

Obviously he sounds much older than you and perhaps from an entirely different educational and business cultural background but maybe if there is something you guys can connect on (family life, sports, hobbies outside of work, etc.) then the next year or so will be a lot more bearable for you.

Things sound pretty far gone, but I would at least make a sincere attempt to reach out to the guy if only for your own sanity. Good luck!
posted by wfrgms at 6:33 PM on May 9, 2007

What is the nature of the times you have discussed the situations with him? It seems to me that with this guy, if you try to do the right thing, and calmly and professionally tell him how you feel, then I am afraid nothing is really going to change. Inviting him out for a beer or a BBQ isn't going to work either. I have found jerks only respond to jerk-ish behaviour in return.

Pull no punches when you tell him how you feel. Don't ask him if he can change his attitude, tell him. If your ideas are passed over in a group meeting, bring it up in the meeting in front of the group. If you are getting on well with your co-workers then I am surprised they aren't sticking up for you.

Obviously you don't want to antagonise the situation, don't be a dick about it. But as a manager he has to have the confidence of the people under him, if you make it clear that he doesn't have your confidence then he may very well change.

FWIW, I am also a scientist, and I have seen how many scientists just don't consider the existence of non-scientists.

Good luck!
posted by TheOtherGuy at 6:40 PM on May 9, 2007

One option, and I've used it, is to walk into his office and have it out with him.

In my case, a boss ripped into me in front of a group of people I was boss of. She walked away, and I followed her into her office, closed the door, and said "Never do that to me again."

She was REALLY shocked at being confronted, apologised, admitted it was wrong and we left on good terms. She never did anything like it to me again and in fact we went on to have an excellent working relationship, and enjoyed working together after that.
posted by unSane at 6:53 PM on May 9, 2007

Sounds like you've tried lots of methods of resolving the problem, which makes coping much more difficult. I don't think talking to him or inviting him out for a beer is going to help. He probably becomes less invested in improving the relationship as the days by because why bother? He's out of there in a year anyway.

Hopefully your 6 month half-time gig will give you some temporary relief. If you've already been dealing with this for 3.5 years, I don't think there are any real ways to cope other than just focusing on the light at the end of the tunnel, but that'll be tough when it is a year away.
posted by necessitas at 6:54 PM on May 9, 2007

Pretty strange that anyone would hire someone that they thought had "personality issues." If you can, talk to HR. Also, is there the possibility that he's trying to get rid of you? If you've gone down to half-time and asked for a six-month leave, he probably thinks you're not too serious about the job. By the sound of your relationship and his praising Bob (for your ideas even) it' sounds like he doesn't value you as an employee and perhaps is hoping you'll just leave on your own (I'm guessing it's pretty hard to fire you at this point, but I don't know).
posted by ml98tu at 7:06 PM on May 9, 2007

Sometimes, like with a bully, you need to punch back (metaphorically speaking of course). They don't expect it and it can change the game.

So when he does something worthy of an angry reaction, go ahead and react with quiet anger but (1) make sure the anger is an act and under control; (2) state why what he just did/said was unfair/stupid; (3) only do this when others are present. The idea is to let him know that when he abuses you there is a cost; the cost is that others know he is a jerk. I have seen this approach back fire and I've seen it work brilliantly. Best executed if you don't need the job! Good luck.
posted by Kevin S at 7:27 PM on May 9, 2007

Best executed if you don't need the job!

This is very important.

Also, I have found it useful (in these sorts of situations) to propose an artificial dichotomy as the solution -- people are surprisingly willing to let it slide past, and then you've just defined the only two possible outcomes. It's not flawless, but it works far more often than I would have expected (with people that should know better too).
posted by aramaic at 8:10 PM on May 9, 2007

I had a similar situation, though the other guy only had seniority over me, and not actual rank. He was a pain in the ass to work with, he exploded into screaming fits of rage at the slightest provocation, etc. He even broke his foot once when he kicked a wall due to some minor piece of news that wasn't to his liking. One day he was going through his routine because I was not doing a task he gave me quickly enough, so I just gave him a little of his own medicine, including a loud STFU. I never had a problem with him again. So I guess what I'm saying here is, I agree with Kevin_S, unSane, etc.

BTW this happened while I was in the navy, so it was a 'government job', but I don't know if it will work in your situation.
posted by ArgentCorvid at 8:19 PM on May 9, 2007

Um, is there a human resources department?
posted by filmgeek at 9:23 PM on May 9, 2007

This may not totally apply because it doesn't sound like you're dealing with a yeller...but for the record...

I had a boss that I worked for a couple years ago, who I had a decent relationship with overall...he was actually a pretty good guy, but he had a temper and would throw tantrums like a 5 year old when he was in one of his moods. One day he lost it with me over something trivial, his anger was all out of proportion to the offense. After he had finished yelling, I very calmly told him, "Don't ever talk to me at that volume again. The only person in the world allowed to talk to me at that volume is my father". His jaw could have hit the floor. He spent the next fifteen minutes apologizing to me profusely, and for the rest of my tenure there, he never again raised his voice to any employee.
posted by vito90 at 9:33 PM on May 9, 2007

HR is not your friend, do not goto HR. You can confront, go around, or accept your position. (Not sure if I missed any)...
Personal choice.
posted by IronWolve at 9:36 PM on May 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

After I got the job, he showed up in my office and said that there were serious issues with the personality part of the interview and that I needed to see a counselor, a career counselor, etc.

This has never, *ever* happened to me before. I was shattered!

Based on your reaction to this initial taught, he's a probably a bully, who's found a new chew toy he can fuck with whenever he wants.

Do.not.let.him.

He's clearly being an asshole to you, so why should his opinion matter?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:28 AM on May 10, 2007

Don't discount the bully thing just because you're not in the playground any more.

It's always a bit of a shock to find adults behaving like vicious little eleven year olds. Disbelief tends to set in. I think that's probably how the pricks keep getting away with it
posted by flabdablet at 7:23 AM on May 10, 2007

I've recommended this book on AskMeFi before: Dealing with People You Can't Stand: How to Bring Out the Best in People at Their Worst. It identifies different types of difficult people you may have to deal with (at work, mostly), gives you some insight into why they're behaving badly, and how to cope with them so you can get your job done. Since you love your job otherwise and this guy is probably leaving in a year, it might help you get by until then! Good luck.
posted by Melinika at 7:55 AM on May 10, 2007

If you work where it sounds like you might, I'd say things should improve around, say, Nov. 4 of next year.
posted by Mr. Gunn at 8:00 AM on May 10, 2007

These are all really good comments and likely I'll use a mash-up of them all.

I'm thinking that I have two main options:
1) stick it out and suck it up (and funnel ideas through Bob)
2) once this 6-month half-time gig is up, go full-time with the non-government work until the jerk retires. And make sure he knows that I'm taking the leave *directly* because of him.

I don't think he's necessarily a bully. I just think that he is completely oblivious to other opinions other to his own, and in technical matters, he's particularly far off. Okay, maybe with a bit of power tripping on the side...

And nicely said Mr. Gunn, I think you're right ;)
posted by ollyoop at 3:41 PM on May 10, 2007

I've been in your position, and it SUCKED! My boss had a habit of finding one person at a time to make his b!tch-boy, and just attacked them mercilessly until they finally broke down and quit. I handled it by going right back at him the entire time. If he said something that was uncalled for, I told him. If he put down my idea, then later thought it was brilliant, I called him out on it. It made things worse in the fact that I didn't win him over, but I knew I had no chance of making him like me again, so I focused on keeping my self-respect.

I worked my butt off, so he had no reason to dislike me, and everyone in my office became quickly aware that he was the problem, and not me. While they weren't willing to risk their own position to stand up for me, they supported me when he wasn't around.

In the end, it was most important that I respected myself, worked very hard to give him no truth in his allegations, then when it got too bad, quit, knowing he was the jerk. It was a bad situation, but I don't regret how it ended at all.
posted by adrock31 at 11:59 AM on May 11, 2007

Lots of great advice here. I am in a similar situation but I kind of created it by complaining about my manager to her boss; her boss just told her to deal with me and didn't take my complaint seriously or guard my anonymity, so my manager basically takes it out on me. I deal with it by proposing important ideas through others whom she (the manager) likes; it works like a charm, but you have to be willing to give up credit for your ideas. If I really need the credit I ask one of her favorites to bring up my idea and say that it was mine; helps the idea go over better. I also make jokes with my colleagues about how this manager doesn't like me, especially since it is obvious to everyone. This helps me keep my sanity.

If your boss IS a bully I can vouch for standing your ground and even having a controlled (on your part) confrontation. I work with a pedantic, arrogant, alcoholic person who terrifies everyone. I try to put him in his place and stand up to him when I can, and he turns into a pussycat. Apply as needed as symptoms often recur.
posted by kenzi23 at 9:58 AM on May 13, 2007