Can't be a bridesmaid, help me be a helpermaid!

May 8, 2007 5:16 AM

Wedding Help - What are the various odd jobs and loose ends that friends could have helped you with when you got married? How can I make myself useful to dear friends getting hitched in another country at the end of the summer?

Two of my very best friends are getting married in six months and very sadly the distance and expense precludes me being in the wedding party. They asked me this weekend to tell them what I'd like to have as my role in the wedding, but as I'm really a terrible singer and they're still figuring out the details of the ceremony, may or may not have readings, etc., I'm not sure how best to be of help from 400 miles away. Plus, I'm not planning my own wedding so I'm not sure of all the little things that might need getting done. I'm very happy just being the most teary guest (well, apart from the parents I suppose) but since they've asked me to be involved I do want to contribute in whatever way I can.

So, HiveMind - When you got married (or if you are in the process of planning right now!) what are the various bits and pieces you would have found helpful to have some one else do? I'm really open to any and all ideas at this point, doesn't have to be directly on the wedding day, if its something with the prep or reception that I can do from this distance.

Things about me that might help: I'm pretty crafty, I can draw and watercolour fairly well and have been told I have a good eye for colour and coordinaton. I'm a great public speaker, can turn a pretty phrase when required, I love people and I really love these two people! That's the best I can do right now, maybe discussion in thread will help me think of other skills I have. Thanks for helping me be a helper!

posted by nelleish to grab bag (9 comments total)

In advance, maybe offer to call people on the list who haven't RSVPed? No one likes doing it, and it's sometimes easier for a stranger (ie not the mom) to take this on.

Offer to spend the night before assembling favors, printing out extra programs, gluing flowers on things, whatever crafty events there may be. I had blast after the rehearsal dinner doing these things with my sister, but it stresses some people out!

Ask if there's one thing you can do on that day to make the couple's day easier (I had a non-bridesmaid friend manage loading everyone onto the busses that took everyone to the reception site - it was heavenly thing not to have to worry about that!).

Ask the bride if there's any guests (far-extended family, perhaps) that she's worried about not having a good time, and offer to seek them out and talk with them, and get them involved in the event. I was so glad I knew my awkward, shy relatives were in good hands with my chatty, kind friends!!

Offer to be the bride's "runner" - if she forgot something in the room, can't find her purse, needs to tell the DJ something, is looking for Uncle Joey for a photo, you're on hand to make it happen.
posted by nkknkk at 5:36 AM on May 8, 2007

um, that's "A" blast... and "A" heavenly thing, and there "ARE" any guests. (eats, shoots personal internal grammar-checker, leaves).
posted by nkknkk at 5:48 AM on May 8, 2007

At my reception, the only thing that wasn't perfect was that the room seemed divided into "friends" (all in their 20s) and "family" (mostly older, many in their 60's and up, since I have older parents and few cousins near my age) and they didn't really mix. It would have been great if someone had made a point of talking to some of the relatives, introducing themselves, asking questions, etcetera, and then introducing some of the younger "friend" crowd to the "relative" crowd and encouraging people to mingle. I tried to do a little bit of that myself, but what with the cake and the presents and the eating the barbecue it was difficult to find the time.
posted by cilantro at 6:05 AM on May 8, 2007

Helping with small tasks the night before/day of could be very helpful, but I suspect you're looking for some projects to take on for the coming six months.

Considering the skills you've mentioned, how about helping the couple choose their invitations? You could do the legwork in looking into companies, pricing, and design, talk with the couple about what they want it to look like and cost, and then come up with like, 5-6 good matches for them. The world of invitations can be overwhelming.

Likewise, maybe you could help the bride figure out how she wants to do her flowers, if she doesn't have something particular in mind already.

Other practical/crafty things:
Make the table placecards for the guests
Address all the invitation envelopes (there's a widespread custom of these being done by hand; some people even hire calligraphers)
Design and make the ceremony programs (often includes threading ribbon, and other crafty endeavors)

Being a 'runner' at the wedding could be helpful, but it might be quite a strain on you and the bride since you won't know your way around where the ceremony/reception are held. While it's a worthy job, it's probably best left to someone who knows their way around.
posted by Sprout the Vulgarian at 7:25 AM on May 8, 2007

How about offering to be a "Ladies Maid" on the morning of the wedding? If the bride and bridesmaids are going to be busy getting their hair done and getting dresses on, be the one who can be a bit more casual about running errands for them. Stock the dressing area with juices (nothing that stains!), water and snacks. Get together a sewing kit with lots of safety pins and white thread. Maybe some spare nylons too. Bring a boombox with some fun music to get everyone loose and laughing.
posted by saffry at 8:02 AM on May 8, 2007

Do you know the maids of honor for either bride? Or whatever sister/cousin/female relative is likely serving as her head lieutenant on the ground? You might reach out to that person, who likely has a whole list of items that need doing that the bride herself mightn't think to delegate to you.

I don't know how much you can do in advance from afar. Even it were my very best friend in the whole world, I likely would not have sent away my invitation envelopes to be addressed, for fear that the postal system in question lost them and I wouldn't have time to replace them.

The one time I was a remote bridesmaid and was able to actually do something in advance, I made and brought the bathroom baskets (a decorated basket of gender-appropriate toiletries to go in the restrooms at the reception). With the benefit of hindsight, and post 9/11, I would ship them and not fly with them.

One area that would be likely be a huge help on the ground is if you can arrive at the church early, when the wedding party arrives. There will be pew bows to put out, dresses that need pinning, hair spray forgot out in the car, someone to entertain the fidgety flower girl while the ladies get ready, someone needs to make sure the pianist arrived, can you please take this over to the grooms/ushers' dressing room. That sort of thing. (on preview, as saffry suggested)

You might volunteer to go straight ahead to the reception after the ceremony -- a time when bridesmaids and family members are usually required to stay behind to take group photos. You can make contact with the event manager at the reception site, and serve as liaison in case of last minute problems. (Though, as Sprout mentioned, might be tricky if you aren't familiar with the locale.)

The sort of tasks where a helper would be handy prior to the wedding (some or all of which might not be applicable to your friends' event, ymmv):

- assembling programs; delivering them to church
- assembling table cards, seating chart; delivering them to reception site
- assembling favors; delivering them to reception site
- making sure the various vendors are confirmed
- serving as point of contact for guests who need directions or help
- errand-running for last-minute emergencies
- picking up flowers
- getting bride's gift to groom / groom's gift to bride to the event
- delivering the welcome gifts for out-of-town guests to the hotel
- assisting with seating chart at rehearsal dinner
- possibly giving a toast at rehearsal dinner
- taking lots of pictures throughout the weekend that can be sent to the bride and groom later (inevitably, there's a candid shot that the pro photog will miss, that a guest will snap -- be that guest)

The sort of tasks where a helper would be handy on wedding day (again, ymmv):

- bringing a bridal emergency kit to the ceremony, with safety pins, spare hosiery, clear nail polish, sewing items, Shout wipes, breath mints, Advil, band-aids for blisters, etc.
- distributing boutonnieres and corsages to the groom's party
- handing out programs at the ceremony
- attending the guest book, either at the ceremony or reception
- directing people to the receiving line if there will be one
- general reception of guests at reception, since wedding party is still en route, including helping people find their tables if there is a seating chart
- during the reception, making sure the bride and groom have a glass of champagne when they need one (or, more often, a bottle of water), as they go around visiting guests
- collecting then arranging the bridesmaids' bouquets on the wedding party table
- giving the bride a hand in the restroom, if she's in a huge gown with skirts
- helping wrangle children if there are lots of them
- keeping an eye on the gift table at the reception and helping get the gifts to the right person after
- collecting the disposable table cameras after the reception and getting them to the right person
- helping distribute the favors/confetti/rice/whatever will be thrown at the end
- making sure the caterer packaged a to-go box for the newlyweds, and making sure it gets back to their hotel or into their car

I know a lot of this depends on the type of event your friends are planning -- but whatever the event, there will be something forgotten somewhere by someone at some point, at which time an extra body will be greatly appreciated. Have a charged cell phone, a camera, a packet of tissues and some local currency at the ready, so you can be Girl Friday and Johnny-on-the-spot.

There might be nothing for you to actually do, but just knowing you are there will provide peace of mind to your friends.

And, don't underestimate your ability to be the ideal listener. When wedding prep is making your friends crazy, you are someone they can vent to that isn't directly involved. That is worth its weight in gold.
posted by pineapple at 8:29 AM on May 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

re "maids of honor" plural, I started the comment thinking you had two girlfriends in two weddings, and then re-read to understand that you have two friends marrying each other.
posted by pineapple at 8:31 AM on May 8, 2007

What about doing something that's more local to where you are right now? When my wife and I married/eloped very far away from NYC, the nicest thing our close friends in NYC did was to throw a party in Manhattan where we could celebrate with all the folks who couldn't make it out to the wedding itself. (Even though some of those close friends came out.)

It was _awesome_, and it let us celebrate with a lot of people who couldn't be at the ceremony itself.
posted by LairBob at 11:29 PM on May 8, 2007

The nicest thing anyone did for me at my wedding was to make sure some of the food from the reception got packed into a huge picnic basket for the honeymoon. (Which pineapple mentioned already, just seconding it.) I also could have used someone to stay nearby from the time I arrived at the church until the time I left for the honeymoon (except during the actual ceremony, of course) and run interference so no one could ask me stupid questions or make me start crying.

Before the wedding, the biggest help was a cousin who figured out how to create the favors and throws, made them, and boxed them up for transport.
posted by Jaie at 4:00 PM on May 9, 2007