Or I Could Just Tie a Sash Around a Hefty Bag and Call It a Day
April 1, 2014 10:15 AM Subscribe
The focus should be on the bride, NOT on the taffeta-covered hobo skulking around the cheese trays: please, PLEASE help me (a non-fancy-dressing lady) dress myself for the four weddings I'll be attending this year. (Sequins shaped like) snowflakes inside!
posted by julthumbscrew to Clothing, Beauty, & Fashion (36 answers total) 16 users marked this as a favorite
After years of miraculously dodging weddings, I'm somehow attending four of 'em this year (one spring, one summer, two fall). In addition to Pottery Barn gift cards, I'd ALSO like to give these couples the gift of "not showing up looking like a freaking bag lady". However, there are a few complications:
- I'm In Physical Flux: I'm 5'8" and a U.S. size 14/16. I'm shaped like a really fast hourglass. HOWEVER, after adopting healthier eating habits, I'm steadily paring down. I'd like to stay positive and assume I'll stick with it and continue losing 4 - 8 lbs. a month.
- If My Rack Were a Deer, It'd Be a 12-Pointer: I'm a 36F.
- My Legs MUST Remain Covered (Lest They Melt Nearby Nazis' Faces Off): they're awful. Big ol' beefy calves, super-sexy cankles, corpse-white skin.
- And For That Matter, So Must My Upper Arms: sleeveless garments make me uncomfortable. Strapless garments make OTHER people uncomfortable (because they're forced to watch a large, awkward woman frantically wrestle her boobs into position every few minutes).
- I'm Neither Femmey Nor Fashionable: my usual style could be described as "Manic Pixie Dream Frump" (quirky/casual/modest, with lots of chunky shoes, blacks/greys, Fugazi t-shirts, bright sweaters, etc).
Cost isn't a huge concern; I'm willing to shell out for a lovely, well-made, flattering garment... I just have no idea what or where that garment may be. HELP ME, stylish people!