Help me help my friend

April 28, 2007 5:30 AM

I know someone who has, in the last six months, lost a husband, had a house go into forclosure, mother had a stroke, and is close to the breaking point.

I want to know how I can help. She is elderly and works for my company at a small wage. We are in Austin, TX. I'm looking for resources as I am emotionally, although professionally, involved in this situation, which no older person should endure. Any ideas would be super helpful, as I have no idea where to look.

posted by theperfectcrime to Human Relations (10 answers total)

Send her on a paid vacation... as in an all expenses paid vacation.

Tell your employees you're a 'family' and that you all look out for each other, talk them all into donating $5 each to throw in to the hat, and then kick in a couple of grand to send her somewhere very relaxing for a week or two.

If someone calls you out for playing favorites, then let them know when the same sequence of events happens to them you'll be right there for them.

As her boss, I'm not sure how much more you should get involved.
posted by matty at 6:10 AM on April 28, 2007

You're the boss? Give her a raise from her "small wage."
posted by Carol Anne at 6:15 AM on April 28, 2007

I'm assuming you're not the boss otherwise you would not disclose that the wage was small. I use the terminology "my company" all the time to refer to the company I work for and I guess you're doing the same.

If you can convince your boss to give her this kind of paid vacation I'm sure it would be wonderful, but I doubt that it will happen.

You might want to give her a vacation from the other hard things in her life, though. Maybe you can find out what she finds difficult and volunteer (or get volunteers) to lighten her load. Such as having people come and help clean her house, cook her food, etc.

If I were in a similar situation the main thing is I would still want to feel strong and alive. So rather than doing these things for her, you should do them with her so that she feels involved. I imagine she must feel a bit lonely.
posted by Deathalicious at 6:26 AM on April 28, 2007

well, first you have to assess if she's really in distress (who knows, work might actually be a good distraction for her). if you have the authority to change her work schedule, give her a raise, authorize time off, ask her if there's anything you can both do to help her regroup. assure her that her job will be there when she gets back.

if you don't have that authority, talk to your boss about your concerns and ask what can be done, if anything.

if you're not close to this woman, there's not a lot else you can do without seeming presumptuous.
posted by thinkingwoman at 6:34 AM on April 28, 2007

The vacation idea strikes me as a bit trite, in my opinion: if it were my house going into foreclosure, I'd probably be thinking gee, I wonder if the money that went into this could have saved my house. (Although some paid time off might be nice -- she probably has a lot to do right now.) If you're in a position to offer her a raise or an opportunity to make more money, then of course now would be a good time to do so. But in either case, though, how about helping on the support end of things? See if she has a place to go if/when she loses her house, a place to put all her possessions, a therapist/social worker/clergyperson to help her through all of this. Spend a little time looking into what she's facing with each of her losses and try to gauge where she might need help, then offer to do what you can. (There are often community organizations that serve the elderly that might be a good place to start if you need resources.)

You can't make it all go away, but if you and any other sympathetic parties make it known that you are genuinely concerned and would like to help, that will make it much easier on her. My heart goes out to this woman -- I wish you all good luck.
posted by AV at 6:58 AM on April 28, 2007

I don't think people need to escape at these sorts of moments in their lives, but more be reminded of the community around them and the people who care for them. You said her house was foreclosed - presumably she is trying to get it back? If so, help her find a financial counselor to get it back. If she has to move, offer to help and get other to help. Then organize a house warming for her and bring lots of food. The reminder of a community of people who care for her and look after her will be worth a thousand vacations, given what she has lost.

Also - you might want to invite her for dinner, stop by her house on weekends, invite her to concerts, etc. and ACTIVELY encourage the rest of the office to do so. Remind her that life is good and people care.
posted by zia at 9:55 AM on April 28, 2007

Is she open to seeing a counselor? The Austin Community Mental Health Center might be a good place to start (even just if you wanted to call to see if they had recommendations).

There's possibly more of a stigma among the elderly about seeking mental health than among the population at large, though; if you think she's depressed or anxious enough that medication may help, then she might be more comfortable talking to her doctor about a prescription? Maybe you could help arrange the appointment, or even go with her?

Support groups may be another way to go, possibly less threatening than a counselor and slightly more social. Googling "austin support groups grieving" turned up these Bereavement & Support Groups at Hospice Austin; I'm sure there are others. You could help by researching them, maybe compiling a list for her? Or even just choosing which one looks good? This article, Reaching out for help when you are grieving, looks helpful in evaluating groups and has a link on the right for further support groups in Austin.

A technique I learned when training to do phone crisis counseling was to ask, "What makes you feel better? Can you do that tonight or right now?" The answer was usually having tea, or taking a bath, or calling a relative, or reading, or something reasonably mundane and very achievable. Rather than insisting that the person do X, however, it's really important to make them go through the process of thinking "What resources do I have, and what usually works for me?" and then encouraging them to actually do it. If you're working together, maybe just a friendly, "So, is there anything you can do tonight to feel better? Any way I can help?" If you find out that sitting down with tea helps, for example, maybe you can buy a few boxes of her favorite type. (You'll have to judge whether your doing this will be supportive, or just add to her pressure, however.)

Good luck. I hope she finds a way to get some relief, and it's wonderful that you're willing to help her figure out what resources she has. Just, again, try to help her figure out what she wants to do, rather than imposing your ideas on her.
posted by occhiblu at 10:02 AM on April 28, 2007

Heh. That should have been "There's possibly more of a stigma among the elderly about seeking mental health care..." I'm quite positive we're all equally interested in seeking mental health!"
posted by occhiblu at 10:03 AM on April 28, 2007

I was in financial difficulty once and my employer made a no-interest loan to me, spread out over a year and paid back by withholding it from my check. If something like this would help save the house, maybe it's worth considering. It's not a handout, which some people are not comfortable with, but it may take some pressure off.
posted by The Deej at 10:27 AM on April 28, 2007

I'm guessing that she does not have any health benefits through work, but if she does she should take advantage of them and try to qualify for stress leave and psychological help.
posted by randomstriker at 4:04 PM on April 28, 2007