Getting it out of your system

April 28, 2007 4:09 AM

Two people love each other very much, are currently living together and are very compatible for a successful long-term relationship (marriage, kids, the lot). However, both are also quite young, and might want/need to have some more "fun" on their own before committing to the other person for life. How to sort this out gracefully?

"Taking a break" is not really an option and a life of secret sex on the side once in a while does not seem like a solution either.

posted by dagny to human relations (28 answers total)

Someone is going to recommend The Ethical Slut, so there you go. You guys may want to look at having an open relationship. I have no idea whether that will work or not--hopefully older, wiser MeFites can contribute their experience.
posted by schroedinger at 4:27 AM on April 28, 2007 [1 favorite]

You can "take a break," you can have an "open relationship" with each party free to pursue sexual relationships with other people, or you can look for short- or long-term people to join the now "polyamorous" relationship. I'm not so sure that there are really any other options, if you want to get sow some wild oats. (There are nuances within these categories, such as "swinging" versus "poly" versus "watching your partner get it on with someone," but I think that really these things are variations on themes, and depend a lot on your demographic and who you are spending time with as much as anything else.)

Personally I think that sowing oats is overrated, and a solid, loving, and so on relationship is not something to casually discard. But it is easy for me to say that, because I am old and boring and sowed my oats long ago. (And, the polyamory people would say that I am misrepresenting the issue as either/or -- that really, you can sow your oats and eat them too.) With the perspective of time, I don't think I got all that much out of it, or even really learned all that much about myself or others, compared to what I've gotten out of and learned from serial monogamy (and now, hopefully, terminal monogamy). But maybe you have to try it to be able to say that (although I kind of doubt it.)

That said, there are people who seem to manage what you are describing fine, and are the happier for it. The biggest question you will face, if you go the "open" route, is that of disclosure. Do you just want to give each other the freedom to roam, or do you want to know the details of the roaming? Think carefully -- this is not a trivial question, and is probably a bigger deal in the end than the initial issue of opening the relationship. There is also the question of emotional versus sexual fidelity -- are you ok with your partner having dirty sloppy sex with someone they will never meet again, or are you more comfortable with the idea of them having a boyfriend/girlfriend with whom they have a real emotional attachment, go on dates, and all those other relationship things that they now do with you?
posted by Forktine at 4:53 AM on April 28, 2007 [1 favorite]

Are you both equally wanting more sexual experiences, or is it one person more than the other? I just have a hard time imagining this working out well. Probably one of you is going to get jelaous, or find someone out there that you want more than your primary partner. Especially if you are currently living together. Is it possible that in the near future you could stop living together? Take a real break?

Because if someone is having doubts now, that is not going to magically transform into a desire for marriage through living together. It's so easy to take the other person for granted when you see them everyday, first thing in the morning, last thing at night. I've seen many relationships fall appart that way. You need that distance to renew a passion and desire for the other person in both of you. Otherwise it is just going to get messy. Do you really want to be home alone and know that s/he is out there having sex with someone else?

I saw an awful situation in college where one of my classmates was living with her boyfriend of 5 years. And then he started sleeping with another girl, who he decided he ultimately wanted to be with. Yet they were forced to live together for another 6 months on account of their lease. She just looked more and more haggard everyday.

I've been ramblely. But my main point is to see if there is any way you could stop living together and take a break, before either of you start fooling around with other people. Anything else is too emotionally difficult and will destroy the relationship. Permanently.
posted by amileighs at 4:58 AM on April 28, 2007

I'm old and boring and have sown no oats at all, and I'm content.

Want/need is a very important distinction, and bears much contemplation.
posted by flabdablet at 5:32 AM on April 28, 2007 [3 favorites]

It seems like the answer to your question is in the question itself.

You suggest they're ready for marriage, but the fact the question is being asked suggests the opposite. If they claim that they want to get married BUT they haven't seen enough of life, then they're not ready for marriage.

Personally, I think what they have is rare, and they should count their blessings. Any desire to have more "fun" indicates external pressures are bearing down on them, and if they follow that road, they won't be true to themselves (I note you put the word "fun" in quotes, which is very revealing).

Yes, the couple won't have slept around as some others. But that's good or bad depending on your circumstances and personality. What they will have is a fantastic relationship, which few other people have, or that few other people really appreciate the value of.
posted by humblepigeon at 5:32 AM on April 28, 2007 [1 favorite]

Interesting how everybody seems to assume the poster is one of the two people in the question ...

My background is very similar to the one described here - married my first girlfriend at a very young age, never dated anybody else. Been together almost 20 years now, have two children. Perhaps 1-2 percent of the time, I wish I had been a little wilder in my youth. The other 98-99, I realize how fortunate I am to have found someone with whom I am that compatible.

You say that these two people are "very compatible for a successful long-term relationship (marriage, kids, the lot)." I really hope these two people will realize just how amazingly, unfathomably rare that is - most people go their entire life without ever knowing anything like that. Sex, on the other hand, is just sex.
posted by jbickers at 5:46 AM on April 28, 2007 [6 favorites]

I have a hard time not agreeing with jbribkers as I have a similar story.
posted by STHayden at 6:15 AM on April 28, 2007 [1 favorite]

There are two axes to a successful commitment: right time, right place. The situation described is right place, wrong time. The graceful solutions are to break up and go on about your oats-sowing (and finding a compatible partner later on), or sow no oats and talk, talk, talk your way through it. Nobody died of not sleeping around; you will learn things that will serve you well in later, more mature relationships, but there are other ways to learn those lessons. This appears to be one of the life lessons that most people learn the hard way, though.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:24 AM on April 28, 2007

i think there's no way to have both, so the people need to decide which is more important--a long term, committed relationship, or the potential for more and different sex. i think it is unlikely that if these two break up now, they will get back together later.

frankly, i think it sounds like these two have a great thing going, and maybe they just need to spice up their sex life.

although, i find that people who really worry about sowing their oats, etc etc, are really just hoping something better comes along. so perhaps the waverer isn't as in love as he/she thinks?
posted by thinkingwoman at 6:39 AM on April 28, 2007

Another old-timer here - after 25+ years of marriage, old and boring is rather nice. The time to have sown wild oats was before they met. Sorry. It really won't work. If one or both tries it now, it will break the magic spell.
posted by clarkstonian at 6:55 AM on April 28, 2007 [1 favorite]

Is the issue for the members of the couple:

"It's hard to fathom never ever having sex with anyone else, for the rest of my life, without knowing what I missed out on"

or

"I really feel the need to get some strange, now"

If it's the first one, then who says they have to commit to each other for life now? Why don't they continue living with each other, and sharing their lives with each other, and leave that descision to when they are more sure of themselves? I know there's a lot of pressure from society to get married when you've found someone you like being with. But if they are going to spend the rest of their lives together, doesn't the time they are spending now, supposedly uncommitted, count? If they get married in 5 years, I don't really think the 5 years they spent trying to make sure they were really satisfied with this relationship for the long haul was a waste. If they break up, and don't get married, then it's a good thing they didn't rush into marriage in the first place.

I don't mean to be harsh, since the "no life of secret sex" hints that the issue is less about unfamiliar vaginae and penes, and more about their insecurity of sticking with the oh-so-familiar one forever and ever. But if the urge to "sow the wild oats" is really about sex, with other people, then I have to say that the relationship probably doesn't have such good chances in the long haul. Polyamory is awesome-for true polyamorists. If that's just not the way your heart works, then it doesn't matter how many books you read and rules you lay out. Somebody's going to get hurt.

What about just going out more often alone, mingling with the people, perhaps some harmless flirting, without any physical contact? I hate to be rubbing my happy monogamy in people's faces, but while it's nice to talk to other men, and sometimes nice to look at them, I can't really imagine going through with anything. Honestly, I really would rather go home and be with the one who already knows me and loves me. Maybe time spent socializing with other people(at bars and such, not at greased up play parties) can help them define what they feel they are missing out on. Maybe it can reassure then that there is still plenty they can do on their own, even as half of a couple. Or maybe they will realize they do want to bang other people, and plan accordingly.
posted by Juliet Banana at 7:07 AM on April 28, 2007

Unlike the previous posters, I think if you have a nagging need that is unfulfilled, you should not just try to hush it up. Sometimes a relationship can be a great equation on paper but still doesn't give you what you need from it. Or it's great but you wish you could meet the person five years from now.

In my opinion there's something really stunting and frankly quite sad about settling into a lifetime relationship at a really young age without having experienced the ups and downs of self-sufficiency that help you grow into a multidimensional person and experience the world in different ways. People may dismissively or even spitefully call this phase of life "sowing your oats" as if it's entirely about sharing your genitals with everyone you can, but negotiating relationships with different people changes and teaches you in ways you can't imagine. I wouldn't trade my life of living in different cities and knowing and loving different kinds of people for a life trying to ignore the voice inside that led me to experience those things.

A relationship is not something you should grit your teeth, buck up, pull by bootstraps, put nose to grindstone, stick out, tarry, persevere, or any other cliché for. If you have unfinished business there's no time better to find your answers than now. You only get one turn at life.

Whatever you do, don't stay coupled out of any sense of obligation, external or internal.
posted by loiseau at 7:28 AM on April 28, 2007 [6 favorites]

How to sort this out gracefully?

You can't really sort out "I wanna have sex with other people" gracefully. If they have sex with other people, that's bound to hurt and wants the point of being in a relationship if they knowingly hurt one another?

If they're going to do this, they have to acknowledge and accept that whatever rules they make may get broken, that their relationship may be destroyed. At the very least it will be changed.

And frankly if one or both of them is thinking "You're great, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, but I need to fuck some other people first" then maybe they DO need to take a break.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:37 AM on April 28, 2007

Put this on a scale.

Freedom vs. Commitment.

The defintion of commitment negates the opportunities of freedom.

'Cause most of the 'open' relationships blow up in some way (over jealousy.)

Instead of feeling a loss of experience, try experiencing life together. Jump out of a plane. See the Mountains. Bond, but don't get married for several years. See how close two people can become without marriage.
posted by filmgeek at 7:51 AM on April 28, 2007

My background is very similar to the one described here - married my first girlfriend at a very young age, never dated anybody else. Been together almost 20 years now, have two children. Perhaps 1-2 percent of the time, I wish I had been a little wilder in my youth. The other 98-99, I realize how fortunate I am to have found someone with whom I am that compatible.

This is so close to my experience that jbickers might be my sockpuppet (or my wife!).
posted by Rock Steady at 8:16 AM on April 28, 2007

I think if you have a nagging need that is unfulfilled, you should not just try to hush it up.

I agree, and I say this as someone who was herself similarly situated: I met my now-husband quite young, and didn't do nearly as much oat-sowing that I thought I would before settling down. The difference, though, is that I don't feel like I missed anything. Sure, every once in awhile a thought pops into my head like "I wonder what would have happened if I had hooked up with that guy..." -- everyone has those moments. But it's never gotten to the level of an urge or a longing.

If you're feeling like you're missing out or you're not ready to settle down for whatever reason, you should pay attention to that. Many people have loving, functional, long-term relationships that just simply do not work out for all kinds of little nuanced reasons. I'm not necessarily saying you should break it off, but do try to examine where these feelings are coming from. Do you feel as though you're growing apart or that your personal development is stagnating? Does your sex life just need a little shaking up? Are your expectations of singledom realistic, or have you conjured an idealized vision of hooking up with random hotties every night?

A good mental exercise might be to pretend (just to yourself) for a day that you've broken up with your partner. How do you feel? Free? Missing your partner? Missing your partner but enjoying the freedom more?

No matter what, make sure these feelings are resolved (resolved, not buried) before you bring marriage and/or kids into the picture. Breaking off a long-term relationship is very hard, but it living in one that should have been broken off is much worse.
posted by AV at 8:30 AM on April 28, 2007 [1 favorite]

Oh, and as a postscript: In my answer I assumed that the doubts were coming from within the relationship. If the couple are themselves confident, and it's just random strangers saying 'tsk tsk, you're too young" or projecting their own unhappy relationships onto yours, that is a different story entirely. In that case, you just need to politely thank people for their opinion and continue living happily.

(Post-postscript: if external doubts are causing internal doubts, then my first answer sill applies.)
posted by AV at 8:50 AM on April 28, 2007

Most people that i know who have "open relationships" are about the worst people, temperment-wise, to handle this arrangement. Looking into this will show you how NOT to do it.

Luckily, some people are mentally built for someting in the continuum that includes threesomes, swinging, open marriages, and polyamory. A major question, though, is whether you just want sexual variety or whether you will want some sort of relationship with the other sexual partners. This may evolve.

You do have to be really honest in a different way than a monogamous couple. No need for the white lie of "no, I wasn't looking at anyone else," but white lies about fleeting insecurity or the shifts in opinion that occur as we get older are poison.

Unlike most of the commenters above, I don't think that wanting more sexual experience yet wanting to spend the rest of your life with a certain someone are mutually exclusive or doomed to end in hurt. But I'll repeat the caveat of my first paragraph -- most people who want this seem to be really bad at it.
posted by desuetude at 8:53 AM on April 28, 2007

The dilemma you have described does not have a graceful solution. This is about as solvable in the real world as wanting to work as a corporate executive and be a convention-defying, radical revolutionary at the same time.

The two ideals (being with each other for the rest of their lives yet wanting to have sex with other people) are inherently opposed, at least as you have described their situation. (The limited exceptions are for that vanishingly rare breed of person who does not feel filthy when engaging in open/swinging relationships.)

When you consider that human relationships are time-bound (i.e., a relationship-opportunity that exists today, if not promptly seized or at least nurtured, cannot be expected to exist five or ten years from now) there is a conflict in the desire to exercise the relationship-opportunity and take time to get laid by other people.

Think about it in a less emotionally-charged context: the job opportunity. A great corporation in a rapidly changing industry offers you a kick-ass job opportunity. You would love to work for this corporation and you think it's a perfect fit for you. But you haven't trekked around the world with a backpack yet. So you're looking for a way to have both things --- a secure hold on this job opportunity and a few years of trekking around the world. You can't have both. When you get done trekking around the world, it is likely this company won't even exist, or the job itself might not exist. At best, after your trekking, you can look for a similar job, but you can't expect the company to hold the job open for you.
posted by jayder at 9:27 AM on April 28, 2007

I'm strongly disagreeing with most of the posters here. I do not believe that sexual freedom and emotional/spiritual commitment are inherently mutually exclusive. And it seems to me that most relationships in general end in explosions of jealousy or resentment, so I'm not sure open/poly relationships are exceptions here.

The success of an open/poly relationship depends, IMO, on honest communication and a willingness to take responsibility for one's own jealousy and insecurity. That's not easy, but it can be done -- I've been doing it for about 8 years now and I've known others who have done it for much longer.
posted by treepour at 10:02 AM on April 28, 2007

"I want the assurance of a commitment, when it's convenient, but I want to have sex with other people without taking a break from the current relationship, but I also don't want to have secret side affairs."

There is no way to "gracefully" sort out such a graceless situation.

This is not an "answer," because I don't think there is an answer. There are just choices. What is each person willing to live with, and what do they want from the relationship? If one person wants to engage in open sexual relationships with others (that way it's not secret) and the other person can live with that, then they can certainly do that. If it's not ok, then either party can leave whenever they want.

It's certainly not a relationship I would stay in, nor would I recommend it to anyone I cared about.
posted by The Deej at 10:48 AM on April 28, 2007

both are also quite young, and might want/need to have some more "fun" on their own before committing to the other person for life

Having been in a committed lifetime relationship in the past, and now being able to have all the "fun" I want, I have to say that being in a committed lifetime relationship will contribute far, far more to your overall happiness, well-being, contentment, and sense of accomplishment than being able to go out and have "fun".
posted by yohko at 10:52 AM on April 28, 2007

This is about as solvable in the real world as wanting to work as a corporate executive and be a convention-defying, radical revolutionary at the same time.

[shrug] Relationships involve a lot of compromises. Messing with notions of fidelity is just more taboo. Most of us are a lot of things at once, all on an ever-evolving schedule. Changing ideals can overlap.

Dagny, remember that you don't have to set down The Terms of your Relationship For Forever in stone right now. Maybe having a few threesomes will get your itches scratched. Maybe you just need to be able to indulge in thinking/fantasizing about it, and actually seeking to do it will turn out to be a big "meh." Maybe exhibitionism will get you your fun without requiring sex with other people. Maybe one or both of you needs to get a lapdance.

Maybe you come to an understanding and it turns out to be a pretty short-lived phase. Maybe you explore your nonmonogamous options and decide to be full-on polyamory. You two should talk about what you're fantasizing about at this point, and figure out how you want to deal with it for at this point in your relationship.

P.S. I'm not justifying a personal situation. My SO, with whom I intend to celebrate my 100th birthday in 67 years, is not open. Because I like him better than everyone else.
posted by desuetude at 11:09 AM on April 28, 2007

There is no way to "gracefully" sort out such a graceless situation.

Sure there is; you simply cultivate a strict aversion to jealousy and possessiveness and treat yourselves as individual human beings instead of some big lumbering 4-armed, 4-legged kid-spewing polyform.

"The Ethical Slut" referenced above may or may not be a handy guidebook for people looking to broaden their monogamous horizons, but it is a manifesto against insecurity, jealousy, and spite in all relationships, monogamous and otherwise.

And of course a bunch of old marrieds are going to tell you not to do it. Whatever they've done has worked out for them, and that's great. But for every one of those couples, there are others whose smiles are just stapled on out of habit, or who broke up because they couldn't reconcile their love for each other with their physical needs (and wants/needs is pretty prickly territory when it comes to sex and marriage), or who wound up breaking up and not even knowing that it was about all of this stuff.

Because sexual dissatisfaction manifests in lots of ways, not all of them sexual. And if you and your S.O. don't get used to talking thoroughly about ALL options now-- even if talk is as far as it goes-- then when? After the wedding?

Spoken by someone in an open LTR, I think that if you aren't able to talk hurtlessly about these things together, then you should go to a few counseling sessions together, merely to have someone there to witness and guide these talks. This is just something grownups do when life-changing issues stretch beyond their abilities to grasp all options.
posted by hermitosis at 11:48 AM on April 28, 2007 [2 favorites]

You need two things in order to be content in a relationship. (Yes, only two! Right. Anyway. Just pretend.)

You need to know yourself. We all have dreams. Some of those dreams are real, and attainable, and we do ourselves a disservice by not pursuing them; and others are fantasies, wistful wishing that we would be foolhardy to throw away real opportunities for.

These two people need to know if their wish for some more "fun" before settling down reflects the first kind of dream, or the second. The sowing your oats thing is the second -- just a romanticized notion. On the other hand, sometimes wanting to check other things out reflects a deeper need for something you're missing. And -- and this has the most potential for tragedy, of a sort -- sometimes what you need is exactly to know yourself better, itself, and sometimes the only way to get that is to be in more relationships, with different people. It might be impossible to know yourself well enough to realize that's what you need, though, and it's sometimes only learned the hard way -- after losing the relationship that would have worked.

The second thing you need, once you know yourself well enough, is some maturity. That is, you have to let go of those dreams that are fantasies. You won't forget them, of course, but you'll have to make peace with them, like old curmudgeonly friends who are part of your life and who you love for what they are, even if you sometimes wish they would go away and you have to make sure don't disrupt the more important things in your life.
posted by mattpfeff at 12:43 PM on April 28, 2007 [1 favorite]

How to sort this out gracefully?+
both are also quite young =

One of them travels oversea for a year.
posted by bru at 12:46 PM on April 28, 2007

Welcome to the real world. If you (they) split up it won't be a function of their "youth". People throw in relationships in search of something more exciting ("fun") at 30, 40, 50, 60 - maybe 70 or 80 for all I know. It will be an existential choice: "The other life, the free life, and all the possibilities it contains, is more important to me than this person I am with." The decision is a matter of character, a matter of who and what you are; it's not to do with how old you are. And whatever you decide, there's probably a price to pay.
posted by londongeezer at 5:27 PM on April 28, 2007 [2 favorites]

I'm another one of those married-young-more-than-25-years-ago responders. One thing I didn't know when I got married was how much better sex could get over time - you can have new "fun" with your old partner. Check out David Schnarch's book called Passionate Marriage. It's not about the nuts and bolts of what to do but about how to build a relationship that lets you talk about what you want/need/like/dislike and gives you space to experiment with each other.
posted by metahawk at 9:02 PM on April 28, 2007