Dear God, I think I broke my weiner somehow.

March 19, 2007 2:59 PM

JohnThomasFilter: Sudden penile-head pain, below the skin, not the urethra, no urinary oddities, shockingly painful to touch. Aargh, pain has outweighed embarrassment. Lads (et al.), help?

Longer version (ahem):

This afternoon I urinated and hopped in the shower; nothing untoward happened while urinating, no blood or other discoloration in the urine. I didn't have an erection at the time, didn't tie it in a knot, and don't remember any 'pop' sound (but of course I wasn't listening). Didn't masturbate today, did so yesterday (sensibly lubricated) - again, nothing odd. Same with sex the day before. In the shower I noticed an awful pain everytime I touched the head of my penis. It's localized (touching the base of the shaft causes no pain) and intermittent, and awful. As in 'it hurts too much to wear briefs' awful, though I'm currently wearing very loose-fitting thin boxers without trouble. When I lightly press the top (not the tip) of the head of the penis I get a pain as if there's something hard underneath that's taking up space - though it doesn't actually feel hard at all, just gives that impression. It's hard to describe; it feels a bit like what I imagine air-in-a-blood-vessel would feel like in the moment before it, y'know, killed you.

Moving the penis doesn't hurt, but anytime the head receives more than a little bit of pressure I get wicked pain. Hurts to press up from the bottom of the head, though perhaps less so.

I looked at a page talking about Peyronie's disease but it didn't seem 100% on (though it did induce nausea and tears, in case you're wondering how tightly-wound I am). WebMD wasn't helpful.

Basically I'm wondering: What's most likely happened? Do I hightail it to the doctor or give it a day or two? The pain's not getting worse though it's not yet going away, and there's no discoloration or deformation of the penis that I can see (I've gotten bruised before but had no pain at that time, and am clean of STD's). I'd try to induce an erection (thinking about a new Macintosh G5, for instance, with two gigabytes of RAM) but am frankly too unnerved by the possibilities. It's been a couple hours since the pain came on - no change in that time.

Anyone dealt with something similar? Any advice, MeFites? I should say, I don't yet have medical insurance, so I'm not anxious to drop a couple hundred dollars to be told I've got a bruised cock.

For the future: what web resources do you consult in such situations? Is WebMD the closest to a quickie-amateur-diagnosis flowchart? Thanks a million for your help.

posted by waxbanks to health & fitness (29 answers total)

Where my cock is concerned, I take no chances. Get thee to a doctor, ASAP.
posted by browse at 3:13 PM on March 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

As far as I know, WhatsWrongWithMyCock.com does not exist.

I'm gonna go with browse here and say get to a doctor.
posted by jjb at 3:58 PM on March 19, 2007 [2 favorites]

Well, you will get an erection while sleeping -- guaranteed -- so if you have an inkling that a stiffy will cause unbearble pain, better to see a doctor now, under controlled circumstances, rather than stumbling into the ER at 2 AM.

That said, I've had the sans-swelling, appears-normal-but-painful-to-touch willy-head syndrome before (I blamed it on athletic nookie the day before). I liken it to the feeling you get in your thumb after pressing in too many thumbtacks -- a very localized sharp pain that's the result of pressing on a nerve or something too many times. Leave it alone for a day, and it goes away.

But this feeling that there's something below the skin is a new one. When in doubt, get it checked out.

(All of a sudden, I'm Nipsy Russell.)
posted by turducken at 3:58 PM on March 19, 2007

if it was your hand, or your lung or something worthless like that I would say rub some dirt on it and see what happens, but dude this is your wang we are talking about, to the doctor you go!
posted by stilgar at 4:01 PM on March 19, 2007 [4 favorites]

Seconding Browse, Stilgar: Go to Doctor, do not pass Internet, do not seek advice from IAmNotADoctors.
posted by Artw at 4:11 PM on March 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

If it wasn't so painful, then it's always a good idea to give it a couple of days and then re-evaluate.. but if it's as violently painful as you say, then something is wrong and you gotta get it checked out.
posted by wackybrit at 4:22 PM on March 19, 2007

I get zits/infections that feel like that. Nothing is wrong till I touch the area, then it feels like a sharp stab. So it could be a local infection. But if you use the internet as your doctor, you're in deep trouble.
posted by chairface at 4:23 PM on March 19, 2007

Sounds somewhat like the pain I associate with getting soap inside my cock. Stings when the head is squeezed and burns a bit. With me it seems to go away quickly. As the others have suggested, go see a doctor. Good luck.
posted by terrapin at 4:27 PM on March 19, 2007

Here's an off-the-wall thought . . . a very small and invisible splinter of some kind? What you're describing reminds me of the way it felt having fiberglass splinters in my hands -- it's kind of how I imagine it would have felt to have them, God forbid, down there.

Seconding all the recommendations to go to a doctor. Good luck -- I hope it turns out to be nothing to worry about.
posted by treepour at 4:28 PM on March 19, 2007

and of course you'll update us all . . .
posted by Sassyfras at 4:53 PM on March 19, 2007

turducken: Your description is close to what I feel. I don't mean to overstress the 'something beneath the surface' angle (even if that phrase has a cool John Carpenter vibe to it). I just mean that the pain seems to radiate from a region rather than manifest as a broad soreness.
posted by waxbanks at 5:11 PM on March 19, 2007

To the cock-doc, stat.
posted by i_am_a_Jedi at 5:13 PM on March 19, 2007

terrapin:

My worst-ever handjob experience produced the feeling you're describing (gosh, it's just Speak From The Heart Day here at AskMeFi), but this is different.

I'll certainly update this page when I know the status. Maybe a first-thing-in-the-morning doctor trip? Nothing's changed in five or six hours, I'm irrationally unworried about the next twelve. But keep the advice coming, sirs - it's much appreciated.

(This thread is the closest I've come to replicating the feeling of living at a fraternity in college, by the way.)
posted by waxbanks at 5:15 PM on March 19, 2007

Sounds like a kidney stone stuck in the works to me.
posted by DU at 5:17 PM on March 19, 2007

DU:

That was my initial fear, but there's no urinary problem, no discoloration, etc. But the weight of the comments is swaying me a bit; if someone with a sharp (um) insight comes in and says 'It's this, go get shots' or whatnot, I'll head over to the hospital and just not pay rent this month.

[Not to take away from the severity of this episode - I mean my goddamn dick hurts a whole lot - but I'm finding this chat strangely pleasant.]

[Wouldn't wish this on y'all for all the world though.]
posted by waxbanks at 5:26 PM on March 19, 2007

Is WebMD the closest to a quickie-amateur-diagnosis flowchart?

FamilyDoctor.org has flowcharts for practically any occasion.
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 5:55 PM on March 19, 2007 [2 favorites]

Nakedcodemonkey said: FamilyDoctor.org has flowcharts for practically any occasion.

Eponysterical. Also, couldn't the vast majority of that be replaced with a big box with red letters reading: "IT'S MR. HAPPY, DUMBASS, GET THEE TO A DOCTOR PRONTO!"?
posted by spaceman_spiff at 7:04 PM on March 19, 2007

You are hilarious. Especially the G5 with 2 GB of RAM part. Seriously, bro, go to a doctor. I'm a girl and I know you should do that.
posted by sneakin at 4:10 AM on March 20, 2007

Update!

The morning comes and the pain remains, so I'm off to the doc. Meanwhile I did wake up last night with a painless triumphant erection, or else dreamed it - but either way am glad to share with the helpful sprites of AskMe. A quote from David Mamet's 'True Stories of Bitches' springs to mind:

Laugh if you will, cry if you must, but I like to think, like bitches everywhere, that my quick and elegant rejoinder raised that woman from the morass of her legitimate personal problems, and enmired her in mine.

If they give me a catheter or anything like it at the hospital, I'm ninja-killing not only the doctors and nurses but everyone who recommended medical care, except of course sneakin, fellow Mac lover.
posted by waxbanks at 6:27 AM on March 20, 2007

I forgot to mention that the tag "absoluteterror" was fantastic, too. Please do update us. As long as it's not too personal, that is. Or, perhaps, especially if it's too personal. Good luck!
posted by sneakin at 7:38 AM on March 20, 2007

Update!

The nice doctor poked my Tiny Toon a couple of times and said 'Call a urologist.' He then prescribed Motrin and said to elevate my penis and wear a jock strap. (Last time I was asked to do those things I was auditioning for a part in...) For this I waited two hours in the waiting room and will likely be billed approximately $400.

This is the greatest country on earth, and my cock is the evidence for that.
posted by waxbanks at 7:35 PM on March 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

Ah, yes, the ol' being-charged-hundreds-of-dollars-to-just-be-referred-to-a-specialst trick. Seen it many times. Good luck.
posted by sneakin at 5:06 AM on March 21, 2007

In Canada, they get their cocks doctored for free.
posted by bicyclefish at 8:42 AM on March 21, 2007

Update:

Urologist appointment in early April. The WWW says emphatically, 'early Peyronie's disease.' Which is allegedly mostly harmless, though temporarily painful and totally goddamn nervewracking and (if left untreated) potentially debilitating sexually. However the window to get things treated seems to be huge. Never before have I needed a huge window for my cock. Obviously I'm a real grownup now.

Dunno what the trauma was that set this off; perhaps none is necessary (the origins of Peyronie's are shrouded in mystery!). Anyhow that's my amateur diagnosis, but the symptoms line up pretty squarely now, I think.

Next week as part of my sharing-of-innermost-self tour I will be posting about ass-hairstyling; I'm thinking fauxhawk in honor of the local DIY postpunk music scene in Boston/Allston. The words 'bald spot' may be uttered. Thanks for the encouragement folks.
posted by waxbanks at 8:33 PM on March 22, 2007

Oh - pain has partly subsided but curvature of the thang has altered. Y'know, for the sake of completeness.
posted by waxbanks at 8:34 PM on March 22, 2007

Well, we are all pulling for your cock. Hahahahahahahahaha.....Sorry, but that was totally unavoidable.

Seriously though, good luck and I hope all is ship shape very soon.
posted by sneakin at 3:31 PM on March 24, 2007

Glad you're gnna be okay, and thanks for sharing. Please don't whip it out at any future meetups. We'll take your word for it.
posted by mds35 at 5:50 AM on March 26, 2007

Additional information!

My reading about Peyronie's - I am a font of knob knowledge - has led me to a little bit of casual self-medication while I wait for the urologist to poke and prod me a little. The scholarly literature on acetyl-L-carnitine's applicability to this problem is thin (though it's been shown to be helpful for Alzheimer's patients, and induces a mild euphoria that lemme tell you yeah!) but suggests that it's one of the more effective treatments for limiting Peyronie's-related plaque formation in the early stages of the disease's (up to years long) progress.

There's anecdotal evidence, apparently, that vitamin E is also helpful, though the numbers aren't definitive there either. Vitamin E is recently implicated in increased stroke/heart disease risk, so I'm keeping the dosage to standard supplement level (400 I.U. daily, which is like 100x the normal human intake, 10x the recommended intake, and well below what's recently been considered unsafe).

I'm reading that Peyronie's pain will pretty much always vanish, even on its own, but that a couple of simple supplements like the above can hasten its departure. And the curve (deformation, however mild) can sometimes work itself out, though generally not without some kind of treatment.

Meanwhile, an odd thing happened: a concerted effort to get an erection revealed that my terrifying new 'leftist' curvature was actually straightened out by a full blossoming lingam: while there's still localized very mild pain (feels like skin irritation, just under the skin) on the left side, the inside of the curve, the most crippling thing - anxiety over turning into an old man - has for the most part subsided. The very serious curvature I noticed last week is only present during engorgement, but when the little soldier is standing at full attention everything (save the very mild pain) is status pretty much quo.

There's still anxiety, but my sense is that a grab-bag of not terribly invasive therapies can make a difference, and since the goal of Peyronie's treatment is restoration of sexual function anyhow, I'm not too worried.

Anyhow, that's a big For The Record. I'm Wax Banks, speed racers, waving my dick around on the Internet so you don't have to.
posted by waxbanks at 6:53 AM on March 27, 2007

Final update!!

The urologist says 'Peyronie's,' and so charges a couple hundred bucks to tell me what the Internet has already tatooed on my forehead. Could've been worse: apparently a swollen prostate can also cause nerve endings in the glans to tingle. He recommended Vitamin E, said the acetyl-L-carnitine wouldn't hurt (but seemed skeptical), and that's that.

I appear to have lucked out: no plaques at this point. Just so y'all know, preventative measures are allegedly more effective w/Peyronie's than treatments; there's no definitive treatment plan, just a combination of stuff leading (hopefully not) to surgergy.

Moral: If you have the cock pains, immediately go get 'em checked out! I'll be, um, pulling for you.
posted by waxbanks at 2:26 PM on April 5, 2007