How can I be a good Dad-to-Be?

December 19, 2006 10:45 AM

We've just found out that my wife is pregnant. What can I do to be a properly supportive husband?

It will be our first and we are both out-of-our minds happy about it.

In the coming months, I don't want to overlook anything I should/could be doing to make it easier for her.

Any and all suggestions will be appreciated.

posted by fellion to human relations (34 comments total)

She will have times when she's not too happy about being preggers. Be supportive. Cut her a break when she's bitchy. Those days will come. Other than that, just be yourself.

Congrats!
posted by Doohickie at 10:50 AM on December 19, 2006

I'm a couple months ahead of you but with our second. One important thing is that when the time comes to tell everyone, let HER do it. She'll never get sick of it and there isn't anyone she doesn't want to tell.

Along with that, continue to remind her of how cute/beautiful she is- especially when she's feeling sickly.

Some people will tell you to offer to do more of the housework and all that 'wife' stuff. Really, you should be doing this anyway, but I'm not here to judge. If you're not, don't offer- just do.

Make sure you don't tease her at all about her eating habbits or gaining weight. Even the slightest tease can be SO easily taken out of context by someone who's hormones and chemicals are driving her crazy.

Oh, and relax... you've got plenty of time to worry after the baby's born.
Congratulations!
posted by Thrillhouse at 10:54 AM on December 19, 2006

Sounds unnecessary to say to you considering you're concerned enough to post here, but:

- attend doctor appts. w/her from conception to 1yr old
- find a specialist to give her a maternal massage

Good luck and congratulations!
posted by pallen123 at 10:56 AM on December 19, 2006

If you don't know already, learn to give a really good foot rub. The extra weight can play havoc with a pregnant lady's feet and ankles.
If you have a kitty, start taking over cat box cleaning NOW, as kitty pee can be a dangerous source of toxoplasmosis for baby and mom.
Congratulations!
posted by Sara Anne at 10:57 AM on December 19, 2006

1. Relax. . .the first few months go very slow and there is not much to do, other than clean up her (and your, if you want to fully support her) diet, meaning no alcohol, tobacco, caffiene, etc.

2. As Sara Anne says, get attuned with her body so you can give good massages, different places.

3. Prepare yourself to give more than you thought you were able to, and don't expect much back. By supporting/loving/caring for her, you are giving to the baby, both while it's still in her, and during the year after it is born.

4. Arrive at a FULL understanding of your insurance sitch, if you have insurance, and, if you can, tweak it so that you may be paying more up front for the next year, but any possible hospitalizations are covered more fully.

5. Ask a lot of questions, if there are people in your life who have become parents.

Congratulations! Your life will change in ways both expected and not expected!
posted by Danf at 11:04 AM on December 19, 2006

This thread will come in handy no matter what gender the child is.
posted by chillmost at 11:07 AM on December 19, 2006

I second what's already been said.

Learn as much as you can about pregnancy, fetal development, baby care, and breastfeeding. If she's like I was /am (my firstborn is 3 months old now), she's going to be thinking and reading about this stuff a lot, and having someone to talk to about it all is important.

And congratulations!
posted by jessicak at 11:09 AM on December 19, 2006

And when she needs to rant and rave let her without offering solutions. Sometimes we just need someone to listen.

Congrats!!
posted by Sassyfras at 11:19 AM on December 19, 2006

In the later stages, rubbing some kind of nice lotion on her belly might be something she appreciates. I certainly did-- the skin gets quite itchy and even irritated (at least in my case).

Pregnancy is hard work, so cut her a lot of slack for how she's going to feel, physically.
posted by jokeefe at 11:28 AM on December 19, 2006

During my first trimester, I was really really tired, and I didn't keep up with cleaning and tidying the apartment as much as I usually did and it ended up being kind of a shithole and eventually it made me kind of depressed and I hope my husband feels REALLY BAD about not having picked up the slack. Once I had energy again, I told him off and he apologized, but I don't know if he realizes how awful it was for me to watch my home crumble and I can't do anything because I have to go sleep right away.

Anyway, please pay attention not only to how your wife is feeling, but also to how it might be affecting her surroundings. Make a serious effort to do more around the house.

Also, if you don't usually keep dill pickles around, maybe pick up a jar to keep in the fridge. Yum.
posted by Sprout the Vulgarian at 11:34 AM on December 19, 2006

We're in the final countdown (early Feb or late Jan), and I have figured this one idea out:

It's the little things you do or are asked to do that make it work and keep everyone happy.

Case in point, I now have sock and shoe duties for my wife, who can't bend over. In the mornings, I put her socks on and scramble for her shoes for the day. When she gets home, I take them off.

I have two "soon to be dad" books, which have helped, but I think the answer is "be flexible." I never imagined when we dated, got married, or started thinking about a child of our own that I thought, "You know, some day, I want to put my wife's socks and shoes on for her, because she'll appreciate that gesture of kindness." But I started doing this because she told me one night how much trouble it is for her to do. (And yes, she adores this.)
posted by fijiwriter at 11:38 AM on December 19, 2006

I'm going into my third trimester right now. I sure do appreaciate it when my husband helps around the house or gives our 20-month-old the evening bath so I can relax.

And when I had a late night craving for a root beer float, he ran to the store to get it for me. I was one happy camper! And he was my hero.
posted by Gooney at 11:42 AM on December 19, 2006

Take a birthing/parenting class. Talk to other parents, both new parents and experienced ones, about their experiences. Be supportive of your wife when she's dealing with the pregnancy, offer to do as many things as possible.

Ask around regarding "gear" needed for when baby arrives.

Get "The Happiest Baby on the Block", a book by Harvey Karp, MD. Available at Amazon, it describes "the 5 S's", soothing methods to help put your child to sleep. Very highly recommended.
posted by cahlers at 11:48 AM on December 19, 2006

The Expectant Father is a good book on this topic.

Look into prospective parent classes. A childbirth class is very-much worth it, and you should definitely attend. Look into a lactation class too; this is a very good investment of time. I'd also recommend going to a car seat safety class, which will save you a lot of trouble. Your hospital or birthing center will probably offer all of these, and if not your midwife's or doctor's office will be able to suggest places to take them.

The nesting instinct is likely to kick in big-time for your wife, and she will want to prepare the baby's room and a place to feed the baby well ahead of her earliest conceivable delivery date. This may require some upheaval of your home arrangement. Get cracking on this.

And congratulations! I was where you are three years ago, and it's been a great experience!
posted by Songdog at 11:49 AM on December 19, 2006

Strongly seconding Thrillhouse. Also, take out extra life insurance and make sure you have a will. Congratulations!
posted by crazycanuck at 11:59 AM on December 19, 2006

I just had my first child 3 months ago and I couldn't get enough of my partner (who has already had 2 children) touching my belly, rubbing my feet and legs, and telling me how much he loved how my body was changing.

Ask her often if you can make her anything to eat, and if so, exactly what she's hungry for. I'm sure that every woman is different but during my first trimester I ate a lot of starches and junk like ramen noodles, toast, crackers, and cheap Chinese food. Conversely, try not to cook or eat near her when she's feeling averse to food.

If you're into getting her gifts, a body pillow would probably be very beneficial for her. Also I've heard that many women appreciate shaved ice while pregnant (I didn't), so maybe an ice shaver would be good?

Hold her, talk about your dreams for the baby, and offer her comfort should she need it. And don't let other mamas tell her scary stories about long and painful deliveries, failed attempts at breastfeeding, sleepless nights, or post-natal "baby weight" that just won't come off. I personally didn't experience any of the above and I've come to realize that few women actually do.

If she's interested in learning more about breastfeeding, my favorite book was "So That's What They're For!" by Janet Tamaro. Please avoid the books "What to Expect When You're Expecting" and "What They Don't Tell the Mom" like the plague. Those books are negative and fear-provoking.

And yes, please try to take over the tasks around the house that she's normally responsible for. Make it a goal to keep her in bed and comfortable for as long and as often as possible.

Congratulations and best wishes.
posted by mezzanayne at 12:09 PM on December 19, 2006

It's early for this, but later in the pregnancy, get her a pedicure.
posted by Alt F4 at 1:08 PM on December 19, 2006

Don't stop having sex with her.
posted by SBMike at 1:21 PM on December 19, 2006

Just think, Fijiwater, in 50 years or so, that baby inside the wife who's socks and shoes you're putting on will be doing just that for you.

Its a cosmic 'circle of life' sorta thing....
posted by Thrillhouse at 1:28 PM on December 19, 2006

Great Answers! You gals/guys never cease to amaze me!
posted by fellion at 1:35 PM on December 19, 2006

Congratulations!

When she's upset (and she will be) let her vent. Do not walk away, even for a few minutes, if she becomes too emotional for your comfort. One mistake a lot of young guys do is to go for a walk when their pregnant wives/girlfriends are being overly emotional. Trust me, she won't see this as you trying to regain equilibrium; she'll see this as you not giving a damn about her, or you caring more about your precious "equilibrium" than you do about her pain. Be there for her, but don't try to fix everything. She just wants to ventilate. She needs you to accept her emotions.

Also, when the two of you are at home and she wants something, volunteer to bring it to her. Answer the door, get her a cup of tea (if she drinks it), get her a footstool, things like that.
posted by watsondog at 3:41 PM on December 19, 2006

Congrats! Having just had my baby 7 weeks ago, being pregnant is fresh in my mind...here are a few things I still remember being sweet from my hubby.

1. Putting up with my mood swings.
2. Remember to get me apple cider instead of coffee.
3. Not drinking at all.
4. Doing the dishes (sometimes) so I wouldn't have to stand in front of the sink.
5. Helped me put up my feet at the end of the day (I worked until my water broke.)
6. Letting me make movie choices.
7. Bringing me chocolate on occasion.
8. Telling me that I'm prettier than ever. :)

But #1 was the most important one of all.
posted by Sallysings at 3:50 PM on December 19, 2006

3 kids, youngest is 1yro. A couple of things:
1) Congratulations! If you are a little apprehensive, fear not, you will do great.
2) I reckon there is a divide in thinking between blokes and women about pregnancy/birth. For our first kids, I saw the pregnancy as a journey to a baby. My wife saw it and the birth as stand alone experiences. Things go much more smoothly if I take the "experience" view.
3) I am horrified at how little I knew as a first time parent. We took classes and read books, I had been around for friends when they had kids, but there is heaps I was ignorant of. A big thing here was that the hospital is focused on safety and efficiency, and only some healthcare workers care about the mother's feelings etc. For example, many obstetricians are quick to recommend interventions in natural birthing for little real reason (but it happens to be very efficient for the hospital).
Since then my wife has become a Doula (consider one, they are great for first time births) and I have found a great book for new Dad's: THE BIRTH PARTNER - PENNY SIMKIN. It is really written for men (it has checklists, and summary pages).
4) Take some pics of mum's tummy, even if she is a bit dubious. The kids love seeing where they came from.
5) Make cups of tea, and somewhat related, learn where all the restrooms are on the routes you regularly drive, places you shop etc!
posted by bystander at 4:29 PM on December 19, 2006

(Can I suggest that you add a 'pregnancy' tag to this thread, poster? Thanks...)
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 4:43 PM on December 19, 2006

I found lots of useful advice in The Expectant Father by Armin Brott.
posted by mbrubeck at 5:04 PM on December 19, 2006

I'm heading into my 3rd trimester of our first.

Some women feel sexier when they are pregnant. Some don't.

My views toward my body and it's parts are changing. Before my boobs and girly bits were all for sexy-sexy. Now I'm starting to see them as tools and for babies. It's hard to switch from baby to sexy for me. So please respect and listen to her possibly changing views of her body and how it might affect sex.

Take a picture of her once a week in the same clothes with the same background. Nothing will happen then, all of a sudden, pop! It's a fun project and makes for fun album pictures.

My husband tells me that I'm the cutest pregnant lady ever and is fascinated with my belly. I quite enjoy that. And every once in a while apologizes for the fact that he can't share the "load".
posted by Formiga at 5:43 PM on December 19, 2006

Here's the answers I got earlier from a similar question.

I got a lot of great advice in that one. Some of the best for my wife have been the flowers and romance. She really needs to be told she is great, a lot. She also likes a ton of pampering, massages, mani/pedicures etc. Luckily for us, in China those things can be had for cheap.
posted by Pollomacho at 6:39 PM on December 19, 2006

Oh, and yeah, the bitchiness is coming. Don't be shocked even if she is the most sweet and gentle woman in the universe, she is going to get hot, tired, sore, chilly, uncomfortable, swolen, pinched, bloated, pushed, kicked, squeezed, hormonal and fat so give her a break when it does arrive. Just let her rant, do what she says and just keep being supportive.

Congrats and good luck! You can make it!
posted by Pollomacho at 6:43 PM on December 19, 2006

With our baby, we went to lots of classes about pregnancy and birth and learned huge amounts about everything up until the baby was born.

And then, when we got him home from the hospital and were alone and not surrounded by medical staff for the first time, we kind of panicked. We hadn't learned much about that stage, when you shut the door on the world and it's just the three of you and you go "Crap! What do babies do? When do they eat? When do they sleep?".

So, you've probably got enough advice about from here to maternity, but it might help to do some reading and research for that post-birth, alone-with-a-baby-for-the-first-time shock to help you over that moment.
posted by AmbroseChapel at 7:30 PM on December 19, 2006

1st time mom with a 5 month old baby boy here:

Man, there are so many things that I either appriciated my partner for doing or wished desperately that he had done, but I'll try to keep my advice to just eight things, plus a "bonus" at the end:

+ nth the suggestion for taking over the duties of keeping the house really clean - esp. the bathroom and kitchen, where cleaning products she used formerly may not be either a) chemicals she wants to be close to just now or b) a scent she can stand. Floors, tub/shower, toilet. Keep the sink free of dishes. Make sure the trash isn't stinky.

+ At least twice, I ended up throwing up on myself while in the car. Not fun. Both times I came home stinky and miserable. He ran the shower for me, got me into my robe, got me into the shower, then took my stinky clothes downstairs and washed them. Nothing is worse than dealing with your own vomit when you're already feeling sick.

+ Carry heavy things. Cart the laundry around. Carry the groceries. Don't make a big deal about it, but do pay attention to it. She may not want to ask.

+ Around month 4 I started to get itchy all over - dry skin, plus expanding skin in my middle. My partner would take a shower with me and loofah scrub the parts I couldn't reach. Having that itchy feeling go away was such a relief, plus the showers were fun.

+ Talk with her a lot about what she wants her birth experience to be. Take notes. At some point during the birth process, you're going to have to be the level headed one making sure the medical people do what she wants and don't do things she doesn't want. You have lots of choices in a birth process - encourage her to explore them all -- talk with midwives, doulas, OB/GYNs, tour birth centers -- and help her pick providers that will give her the birth experience that she is most comfortable with.

+ Encourage her to exercise, even near the end. My partner and I would just go for a walk around the block every night during my last month and a half or so -- and it was only because he would go with me, at my pace, that I was willing to haul myself up on my tired swollen feet and go out the door. He was never pushy about it, but that was our time .. romantic time, time to dream, but also necessary healthy exercise.

+ Can you cook? If not, start learning how. Feed her when she's too tired to eat early in the pregnancy. Its good practice for keeping her (and you) fed in those awful, crazy, tired, euphoric days right after the baby comes.

+ These are your last few months together as just you two. Baby makes three is wonderful, but very different. Enjoy the simple pleasures of just being together, just you two. Sleep late on Saturday mornings, then cuddle in bed and talk abou tnothing. Spend time doing things she enjoys or visiting places you both love. Make it like a honeymoon for a few months. Focus on the coming baby, of course, but also try to make sure that this time is time for you and her together, just you two.

Here's the bonus: The first few days after the baby comes home will be the most challenging of your life. The baby will seem fragile and alien. Neither of you will have had any real rest in days. People will come over, wanting to hang out, see the baby, etc. You will need to be the gatekeeper. She may feel as though she needs to stay up and "hostess" these guests. Don't let her. Use this time for her to rest. Also, make sure that if people come over, they bring something useful - like food. Or they do something useful - like run errands or help cook or clean up. Organize someone to make sure she comes home to a clean, clean bed when she comes home. Organize other people to make sure there is food in the house. If you have to go back to work fairly soon after the birth, organize people to come be with her during the day, just so she can get a break - a mental break from thinking about the baby constantly, and a physical break where she can nap and take a shower and read her email or do whatever she wants. Getting enough sleep is the crucial thing in those first few weeks. Its easy for people to say "sleep when the baby sleeps" but in practice its so tempting to use that time to do things like eat, or wash dishes, or do laundry. Every afternoon for two weeks a different friend came to our house and would either a) hang out with the baby while I either napped or did stuff, or b) did stuff while I napped or hung out with the baby. At first it was hard to have someone else in my house doing "things" but the fact that it was friends and not (for example) his mom doing those things made it easier.

Enjoy the baby. Congratulations.
posted by anastasiav at 8:14 PM on December 19, 2006 [2 favorites]

All great advice above, but there's something that expecting parents don't really discuss much - how the father feels.

As much as the whole pregnancy thing messes with the mothers body and mind, the whole thing can be hard on the male side too.

I'm not saying the dudes need to be coddled or anything, but people don't seem to realize that the other manly half, while not doing anything bodily during the process, is still probably going through many emotional stages as well (I sure as hell did). Give the guys a break sometimes too.


And, guys that refuse to help with the housework and cooking duties, because thats not 'man stuff', they just plain suck.
posted by ducktape at 11:28 AM on December 20, 2006

Mother of a 4-month old here.

Keep in mind that the experience of pregnancy is not one of gossamer ribbons and being tranported around on a cloud surrounded by disney-esque birds of happiness. It is often a very unsettling experience. Suddenly your body is no longer just your own; you have to share it with someone else and that other person takes priority over you. You can no longer simply take an aspirin for a headache or a couple of sudafed for a stuffy nose without asking your doctor for permission. It can feel pretty infantilizing - the level of scutiny and cautiousness is understandable given that you are trying to bring a healthy person into the world, but it still feels pretty oppressive. The early part of pregnancy is often the toughest - imagine having the flu non-stop for 2-3 months, but still having to go to work every day. This can get very frustrating and depressing. I could barely leave the house because my sense of smell was so acute that being in crowds of people was excruciating. Rent lots of funny movies, have lots of sparkling water on hand, and try to be understanding if she wants to go to bed at 7:30 PM for the 4 night in a row.
posted by echolalia67 at 4:36 PM on December 20, 2006

Have opinions about decorating, parenting styles, purchases of baby gear, prenatal care, birthing styles, but ONLY when asked for them, and then make sure they are the RIGHT opinions.
posted by mds35 at 9:20 AM on December 27, 2006

One quick suggestion, from my own experience: don't give her a hard time if she's craving junkfood. I went through a phase during the mid trimester of eating canned ravioli to excess, to the point that I'd walk to the 7-11 at midnight to buy some. I haven't even looked at the stuff since, but at the time it was all I wanted (go figure-- pregnancy's a wierd thing). Don't scrutinize her eating, or nag her about eating health food, should you be so inclined. To this day I have no idea what there was in that stuff that I was dying for, but it was certainly powerful at the time.
posted by jokeefe at 3:08 PM on January 3, 2007