No longer want to have kids?
December 14, 2010 8:21 AM Subscribe
Did you always want kids and then at some point change your mind?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (28 answers total) 14 users marked this as a favorite
As long as I can remember, I have wanted to have kids. I'm now almost 34, and for lots of good reasons haven't had them yet. But the older I get, the less I want them. And since I've wanted them so passionately for so long, I'm wondering if I'm just getting cold feet, or if I really am changing my mind. We had planned to start trying in a couple of months, but now are having second thoughts.
For one thing, I'm getting increasingly nervous about the exhaustion factor. For another thing, the closer I get to taking the plunge, I am starting to get terrified about pregnancy (mine would be high risk for a couple reasons) and the possibility of all the problems that can happen to a fetus or a child, or even a teenager. We've had a bunch of horror stories in our friends' lives lately. The chance of having our hearts broken or our lives ruined by something terrible happening to this hypothetical kid is overshadowing my feelings about the topic. (I know this is really selfish.) I also don't want to ruin my husband's life by insisting on a pregancy and then dying or having a horrible kid. He's happy with his life right now.
On the other hand, I do still feel like I would really regret not having kids, and that I would feel like my life was unfulfilled if I never had kids. I think I could talk myself out of that feeling, and substitute kids for something rewarding like volunteering, but it would be hard.
Also, my husband is TERRIFIED of something happening to me, so he wants to adopt, but my dream would be to have one biological kid and then also adopt. Also, my husband is very concerned about the exhaustion factor. And there's a big part of him that doesn't want to have kids, but he has agreed to have them because he thinks I would go insane in 10 years if I didn't. And because he is excited about having kids too.
I can't tell if his pretty strong fears about having children are just wearing me down, or whether I am actually waking up and shaking off this unnecessary biological urge.
We're trying to make the right choice for us as a family, and that may just be that his apprehensions about having kids outweighs my hopes to have them. But I'd like to figure out where I stand these days, and I have been struggling with this question for at least a year.
It seems unlikely to me that I would go from so many years of really wanting kids to not wanting them, so I think this is fear talking, but I thought I'd ask whether other people really have just changed their minds eventually and no longer want kids. (I know it happens the other way around, which makes more sense to me as the biological clocks starts ticking louder and louder.)
Throwaway email: amazingly "firstname.lastname@example.org" was still an available email address.