But I still sleep in Superman boxers!

December 10, 2006 2:23 PM

If it was a planned pregnancy, how did you know when you were ready to have your first baby?

I realize that, in the end, this is a question my wife and I can really only answer for ourselves, but I'd like to read stories about how you (and/or your partner) knew when you were ready to have your first child. It's such a simultaneously scary and exciting decision, and I couldn't be happier that it's something we get the chance to think and talk about (as opposed to an "Uhhhh, I think there's something I need to tell you..." conversation). Do you wish you would have waited longer? Started your family earlier? Saved more money first? Adopted a kitten?

A little about us (although I don't want to give the impression that this is a "do YOU think WE'RE ready?" thread) - I'm 28, in grad school, and going on the academic job market next fall (which means taking a position in the fall of 2008, knock on wood). My wife (of 5 years) is 30 and has a management job that allows us to live comfortably (by graduate school standards, anyway). We're guardians for her 17 year-old sister, who lives with us now, but will be leaving for college the same time we're leaving for wherever academia takes me. My university provides grad assistants with excellent, affordable health-care and we have a strong network of friends here. We've talked a lot about having a baby (increasingly so recently) and my wife has the same worries I do, so we're at least in the same boat. The boat of we-can-totally-do-this-but-oh-god-what-if-we're-terrible?

posted by brozek to human relations (13 comments total)

We weren't ready, but we just did it anyway. We had moved just on the untrustable side of 30 and married for four years.

I think, in the end, we realized that the conditions for having a kid would never be "ideal," and our parents had it worse (wife's family was lower class and rural, my mother was a teenager who had to drop out of college).

The question you should be asking is, independent of the current condition of your lives, do you want children? (Sounds like you do.) Then I'd just go for it. It's better to do it now and adjust than later and deal with decreasing fertility and your aging bodies trying to keep up with rugrats.

As for:
The boat of we-can-totally-do-this-but-oh-god-what-if-we're-terrible

I don't know ANY parent who doesn't think that every day. We have friends of ours, a couple, who are great, loving parents... but they're basket cases most of the time. I felt that way when I chased my two year old around the shoe store yesterday -- am I really that bad a dad? And yet, she seems satisfied with my current provision of parenting, despite me not giving her my full attention or not always showing willingness to give her cookies at her request.

Parenthood is a choice. If this is what you want, do it (til you're satisfied). Life as a parent is very different from being a DINK, but it has its own unique rewards.
posted by dw at 2:48 PM on December 10, 2006

my wife and I were married for 6 years before we had our first. We were 28 years old when she became pregnant. It took about 4 tries (months).

How did we know? Well... we had talked about it a lot even before we were married but the conversation was always "Someday we'd like to have a family." At some point we dropped the "someday." We had our fun, we did a lot of traveling, and we had plenty of us time. We both realized that there was more to life than just us and it was a surprisingly easy decision for her to throw away her birth control pills.

I'll tell you, I was TOTALLY excited about this until the first night after my son was born. I couldn't sleep at all (at the hospital) and was more scared than I'd ever been in life. After that night everything got better and better but I never got another good nights sleep.

and MY response to "we-can-totally-do-this-but-oh-god-what-if-we're-terrible" is that before you decide to become parents, the two of you should spent a LOT of time talking about how you'll handle every situation. Both parents should be in total sync with your parenting styles. Never undermine your spouse. Never. If mom said something then dad should agree. If dad disagrees, never discuss it in front of the child. It lets them know that they can play one against the other.

Also, Be prepared that your wife MAY want to take a LOT of time off to raise the baby. She may say she doesn't but when the time comes to hand that baby over to someone else (even you) you may have a fight on your hands. I'm going through that situation right now. With my first son, I was the breadwinner. Now my wife is and she's pregnant. We know this is going to happen and we're bracing our relationship for it.

By the way, Our 1st is 5 years old now and I can't even remember what life was like without him.
posted by Thrillhouse at 3:05 PM on December 10, 2006

We knew we were ready when, a bit like yourselves, we couldn't help talking with glee about what the baby might be like, what we would do with them, who they would take after ... I was startled to find myself thinking about it, on my own, just walking down the street. I think i 'knew' i was ready then.

Another telltale sign was how crazy we were about my sister-in-law's toddler. We wanted *that*.

We didn't have alot of money, but we knew could get by fine (me in grad school, my wife with an ok job). We had some meager savings and could get a couple key hand-me-downs like a good stroller.

When we were ready to go for it, the wife looked at when she wanted to be finishing up the pregnancy and when she wanted to deliver (late spring). Then we took a vacation and had a great time.

Earlier? Maybe a little bit. We definitely don't wish we had waited longer (we're on our second now). Let me just say that you probably won't ever have as much Freedom to spend time with your child as you will while still in grad school. While having our first certainly made it slightly harder for me to get work done on my dissertation, that did not outweigh the utter pleasure of simply being there for our boy, for my wife, together - the forging of our family.
posted by rudster at 3:17 PM on December 10, 2006

Also - ditto what Thrillhouse said on talking over how you're going to handle situations. It helps alot when there's clarity on such issues going in, even if it won't be called for in the first 12-17 months.
posted by rudster at 3:21 PM on December 10, 2006

Yeah, if anyone waited until they were "ready," we'd have a lot fewer kids, I bet. That said, we waited till after we'd bought a house (though I know lots of people who raise kids in dinky NYC apartments). Waiting a few years after you're married is usually good, too, I think, so you build up lots of things in common besides just the kids. And you learn how to fight more graciously before you start going off in front of the little ones.
posted by rikschell at 3:31 PM on December 10, 2006

Thrillhouse writes "Also, Be prepared that your wife MAY want to take a LOT of time off to raise the baby. She may say she doesn't but when the time comes to hand that baby over to someone else (even you) you may have a fight on your hands."


Ditto, but from the point of view of the mom. My only real regret is that we were NOT in a situation where I even had a choice to stay home. I would like to have had the option to stay home, even though I thought I would never want to.

I thought 12 weeks of maternity leave was an eternity, and by the time it was over, I would be stir-crazy and dying to go back to work full-time. HAHAHA. What a dumbass I was. And I LOVE my job, it's very flexible, non-stressful, pay is great, benefits are OK, etc. I cannot imagine how I would feel if I had a less-than ideal job.
posted by peep at 3:57 PM on December 10, 2006

I haven't had kids, but just as a consideration: Your first year teaching in an academic job will be hugely busy. You will not be able to be the primary caregiver during that year.
posted by LobsterMitten at 3:58 PM on December 10, 2006

If you're talking about it a lot, I'd guess you are probably ready. From the framing of this post I'd suspect it would be a welcome development, even though it means a lot of work.
The bottom line for us was that we agreed we wanted to have kids, had done most of the important "couples" things we wanted to do, and had some degree of security, then it was time.
Waiting until you check off every single destination or experience, have paid off your house, have built up retirement savings etc. tends to show to me people who aren't ready, or perhaps aren't sure.
Good luck.
posted by bystander at 5:26 PM on December 10, 2006

We were always planning on a family - we knew when the refrain of "in a couple of years we'll start" became an inside joke for us (given the multiple 2-year periods it ended up covering) coupled with the purchase of a condo. Our rental place had no laundry, and after I became an uncle and started to see slices of parenting, I'd often utter (only half-jokingly) that I'd never have a child before I had a washer and dryer.

I was 35, my wife 33 (my daughter turns 3 in March, and she's got a baby brother due to arrive the first week in April). Considering this alone, I might wish we'd started a bit sooner, but the extra time helped solidify finances and seniority at jobs that give us tremendous flexibility and support, so I think ultimately it happened when it was "supposed" to.

When the question of having kids comes up and you don't feel your stomach drop to the floor or look for the nearest window or door to dive through, you're basically ready - the rest is just (a lot) of details.
posted by jalexei at 6:30 PM on December 10, 2006 [1 favorite]

You will know you are ready when you can honestly say that someone else will be considered first in every decision. The baby is responsibility 24/7 for at least 18 years. Having had 4 with no regrets, but a lot of sleepless nights.
posted by JayRwv at 7:46 PM on December 10, 2006

We were a couple who kept waiting for the right moment. Get a house, get health insurance, get a decent job. Our seven year anniversary rolled around and we got tired of waiting. We'd just talked about it so much, we were tired of talking and wanted to get doing. Then, we had three years of fertility issues and got a little crazy.

My one bit of advice would be that you hash out any issues that you may fight over before having a baby. After five years, you've hopefully worked out who does the laundry and who pays the bills. If not, make sure that's done prior to bringing a baby home. Every little nitpick and nag and pet peeve gets magnified ten times when you're busy with a child and lacking in sleep.

If you still have any major clashes over money, religion or family, then you should wait a little longer.
posted by saffry at 9:30 PM on December 10, 2006

By the way!
Be prepared for disappointment (usually temporary).
Most people that I know planned their pregnancies and failed.
Just because you're ready doesn't mean your body is.
My brother went through the whole struggle that you're going through. When they finally decided to go for it, it took them 3 years an a bunch of treatments.

It can happen. We don't like to think about it but it can. My wife and I, like I said, took 4 months the first time. The second time took 3 years and several miscarriages.
Just be prepared.
:)
posted by Thrillhouse at 4:51 AM on December 11, 2006

I thought a long while about posting this, but I've finally decided to. This isn't my experience, but the experience of a very good friend of ours, and while it's not all happy-shiny, it may be relevant.

Our friend was in grad school and left ABD (from a really good school). His wife was in law school; they had their first child pretty much right before she graduated, and the second one three years later. She's got a really great job at a really serious firm here in our city, and he's been ABD for approximately one million years. Because of the time demands of the high-powered legal job, our friend found himself as the primary care giver to his kids. Between the family and his wife's job and just being realistic about life, he's decided to forgo the PhD.

Don't get me wrong, he loves his kids, and his kids are super-crazy-awesome. I don't even like kids and I like his kids. But he did have to make this choice, and I felt like someone should illuminate that possibility for you. I'm not saying don't have kids if you want them -- but I am saying that if you have professional goals, you need to really think about how they will fit in with the rest of your life going forward, and plan accordingly. That being said, most people I know want to start with the babying <32 years old. So, it's all a juggling act. Good luck. You sound like you will be great parents. Most people who care enough to ask questions like this are. And superman boxers can only be a plus in this game.
posted by Medieval Maven at 6:29 AM on December 11, 2006